I am just a Wife
Today is a bad day. One in which I feel has been postponed for quite some time, but is ever lingering. --It is a rare day that I allow the worst of what Mr. Boots says about me to resurface and resonate within me. But today is that day. And today, I realize, I am not an attorney, I am not any one special, I do nothing extraordinary for anyone, including myself. I am just a wife.
I have wrapped up my entire existence into holding this one title- "Wife." My pride is no longer in myself, but in what I can help my husband achieve in his career. Not in how I look, but in the appearance of who people see on his arm. I have become an ambassador of my husbands household and goodwill, and at the very least must maintain appearances. If I can not be a good wife, I should at least appear like one.
This is no ones fault but my own. My husband never asked me to give up my entire life, my self worth, or my security to follow him....but I have, and so it is....My friends are his co-workers wives. My family is our unborn child. My financial security, dependent on his kindness. And, my self esteem dependent on his and others approval....When I fail at "my job" I feel absolutely worthless. I do not cook, I hate cleaning, and I can't get a job to contribute to our income...So, in sum, I am just a wife...a title granted to me, and held by so many others that do it so much better than I.
It could be worse. He could leave me. Then I'd be nothing. So today, I am just a wife...but at least I am that.
Thus, today will be a recoup day of picking my face up off the floor and going on. I will not cry. I will tell myself I am happy. I will clean the house I am trying so desperately to make a home. I will attempt to repair the plumbing that is consistently failing. I will discipline the unruly dog. I will do the laundry. I will get the bills paid. I will volunteer as a good wife is expected to do. And, I will go assist the supervisor's wife install her deck because our husbands are away on duty.
I will attempt to do all this while trying to keep from crumbling inside.
I will do this without complaining to, or about, my husband.
I will remind myself, that it will not get better, it will only get worse.
He will always be gone, and even when he returns, he returns to duty.
It will only get worse. I will always be alone.
If I can accept it, I can work with it.
This is the life I chose, so be it.
Another Trip Planned and Canceled...
Well, for those of you lucky enough to follow my life...a blog is not needed to share that I have been without running water for the past four days. While this is not the end of the world as "crying wife" would have someone believe....It is certainly not an experience I had cared to repeat (yet again) in my lifetime.
Fortunately for me I have very good friends, and one in fact that is out of town (Loud wife), who is allowing me to utilize her shower and water resources to my delight...."Crying wife" --who I shall rename momentarily--is also an angel, and has supplied me with bottled water from her own water delivery schedule. Aww, thank goodness for friends...
Speaking of friends...Lets re-organize the deck shall we...Pregnant wife is still pregnant, and emotional as all hell. Like Bi-polar emotional. She calls me at 11pm wanting me to come over. And, I in fact am over it...I now no longer pick up my phone after 10pm because I refuse to be sucked in. I shall be VERY thankful when her husband comes back from deployment.
Loud wife...has left down to the lower 48 for the furation of her husbands deployment. But even from a far she is low maintnence, and checks on me periodically. Albeit that she is to herself, she is never a direct bitch to me...So, I am still in her good graces and she is in mine.
Crying Wife--well, she is a dramatic 180...Once her husband left, she geared up, and became the "veteran wife" of a man in for a careers time. So tears are gone, and she is one of my best sources of companionship, in the sense that her children are grown, she treats me as an equal, though her husbands rank could denote me as below her, and she is constant in her social attitude towards me...We can hang out, or not, she's an adult, I'm an adult, we can have other friends, and she's not emotionally draining on me..as the pregnant wife is. Thus, I really like her. and we bowl often and visit our neighborhood stores together when bored.
Finally, two men are re-emerging...others floating silently. The "best friend" --has decided to re-emerge. He is okay with me calling him, and texting, and emailing him once more...and we even discussed the possibility of me visiting him. So, all in all, I'm super happy to have him back in my life.
The other is Mr. Boots...never gone for long, and on business now, he offered to fly me to his hotel in the middle of the mountains...I was very very tempted. While I didn't pack a bag, I certainly flirted with the idea of how much a rental car would cost...But due to cost, he opted to save his pennies for a down payment on a house...Wise choice...and one that I wonder was arrived at due to the fact that I told him my boundaries and I were impenetrable....despite the wife's okay. Now, that....that was intriguing to say the least...But alas, like most trips with Mr. Boots....they end in a reality check, that leaves fantasies and awkward silence...until we fall into our routine of intellectual sparring. I'm wondering now how long it will endure...this friendship based on fantasy but survived by our deep need for an intellectual other...we shall see...
Me...now I am exhausted. xoxoxo water filled world. Tomorrow I hope I shall see you for myself.
Fortunately for me I have very good friends, and one in fact that is out of town (Loud wife), who is allowing me to utilize her shower and water resources to my delight...."Crying wife" --who I shall rename momentarily--is also an angel, and has supplied me with bottled water from her own water delivery schedule. Aww, thank goodness for friends...
Speaking of friends...Lets re-organize the deck shall we...Pregnant wife is still pregnant, and emotional as all hell. Like Bi-polar emotional. She calls me at 11pm wanting me to come over. And, I in fact am over it...I now no longer pick up my phone after 10pm because I refuse to be sucked in. I shall be VERY thankful when her husband comes back from deployment.
Loud wife...has left down to the lower 48 for the furation of her husbands deployment. But even from a far she is low maintnence, and checks on me periodically. Albeit that she is to herself, she is never a direct bitch to me...So, I am still in her good graces and she is in mine.
Crying Wife--well, she is a dramatic 180...Once her husband left, she geared up, and became the "veteran wife" of a man in for a careers time. So tears are gone, and she is one of my best sources of companionship, in the sense that her children are grown, she treats me as an equal, though her husbands rank could denote me as below her, and she is constant in her social attitude towards me...We can hang out, or not, she's an adult, I'm an adult, we can have other friends, and she's not emotionally draining on me..as the pregnant wife is. Thus, I really like her. and we bowl often and visit our neighborhood stores together when bored.
Finally, two men are re-emerging...others floating silently. The "best friend" --has decided to re-emerge. He is okay with me calling him, and texting, and emailing him once more...and we even discussed the possibility of me visiting him. So, all in all, I'm super happy to have him back in my life.
The other is Mr. Boots...never gone for long, and on business now, he offered to fly me to his hotel in the middle of the mountains...I was very very tempted. While I didn't pack a bag, I certainly flirted with the idea of how much a rental car would cost...But due to cost, he opted to save his pennies for a down payment on a house...Wise choice...and one that I wonder was arrived at due to the fact that I told him my boundaries and I were impenetrable....despite the wife's okay. Now, that....that was intriguing to say the least...But alas, like most trips with Mr. Boots....they end in a reality check, that leaves fantasies and awkward silence...until we fall into our routine of intellectual sparring. I'm wondering now how long it will endure...this friendship based on fantasy but survived by our deep need for an intellectual other...we shall see...
Me...now I am exhausted. xoxoxo water filled world. Tomorrow I hope I shall see you for myself.
Letter to husband on Mom's visit...
Hey Honey,
With only 3 more days to spend with her, here is the scoop on my mother... she is a bad cleaner, and a worse cook....I would not hire her as a servant any time soon. Fortunately she is my mother, so I am disregarding it all together.
She wakes up late, watches a movie, and takes a nap. she then wakes up, does a load of dishes and watches something else then goes to bed by nine. It is slightly funny that she thinks she's doing me the favor by being here. I suppose for moral support it is nice, but as far as "helping" she is kinda useless. Not one box has been emptied or moved for that matter. We did get the entertainment center together though, so thats a plus...On the other hand, I think she broke the guest bed all together. (weight) She is everything I fear I may become. But again, she is my mother.
For the most part, i guess I had hoped she'd come and be my support and be right beside me organizing the office, or preparing a nursery, but like you said she just wants quiet bonding time. I'm not used to it, so to me it seems like a waste of time, but I'm trying hard to appease her.
I guess I need friends to help in the house aspect. I'd ask [Preganat Friend], but she comes with Kids, and shes useless, Bitchy Friend is gone, and Crying Friend only has so many days off that she spends them tanning and shopping. So back to doing it alone. At that, I won't be doing it much longer I'm determined to find a job. Anything.
Kinda depressing, and I hope its done by the time you get back. I don't want to be one of "those wives" where you wonder what the hell I did for 6 months.
Anyways, just bitching. Contrary to popular belief, sitting on my ass is not at all my style.
Okaay, so hows your day?.
I love you. Your Wifey
Ever Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart?
Truth be told I didn't...couldn't even sleep in "my"/"our" bed tonight.
So, I'm laying on the couch, thinking about drinking, knowing I probably won't...because it wouldn't make me feel any better. --I'd cry, but I'm so used to this, there aren't even any tears.
In regards to the video: well, the video sucks in my opinion, I just liked the title and Alicia Keys has a phenomenal voice in it...and I like her hair....but I'm not sure it expresses any emotion I can pin down.
Tonight that is all I have, commentary on poorly made music video's and utter emotional refrain. Yup. if I drank, tonight would be a good night to indulge.
Let's pretend I think
Some people, like Mr. Boots, care about my political opinion. I don't know why. I don't watch the news...because, well, I can't (no TV where I live, remember)... So the news I get is via web, and mostly slanted, but on that note, here's a recap of another sexy intellectual convo I had with "my Texas Sweetheart"...
Letter to my Husband...What i want to do in Alaska
Things I'd like to do while in Alaska...
So, as I lay in insomnia...I watch a DVD I unearthed...Project Runway...I'm sure you're thrilled I'm watching it alone. One of the challenges (making ice skating outfits) made me think, I've never ice skated...and I should...
So I thought I should make a list of all the things I'd like to do while we are here....so, without further ado
My LIST OF THINGS TO DO WHILE IN ALASKA
(In no particular order, and of course with YOU!!!)
1. Ice skate
2. Go sledding (with you!!!)
3. Mush (like lead a team?)
4. Learn how to shoot my bow and arrow
5. Talk to Elders here
6. Pet/Feed the reindeers
7. Ride "the polar bear" ? (apparently its a ride or something off of peridot?)
8. Go to the hot springs.
9. Paint something mushy on those Rocks we always pass that are spray painted.
10. Try Anchorage again, without being BLEH--maybe see Bekah in Nome
11. Get on a HOP to HAWAII. Even if we only stay a weekend!
12. Go ice Fishing (for a moment, until I freeze, or catch a fish.
13. Fish in our backyard.
14. Ride a sled machine
15. Attempt snow boarding? Maybe?
16. Go to a Roller Derby
17. Go to the Rubber Ducky Race thing
18. Have a kid
19. Buy our kid "Made in Alaska" Hoodie (blue) --its an amanda V. thing.
20. Make every moment we're here count...okay...this is the only one that is a number one priority.
I hope you're sleeping. I took benadryl, so hopefully its all bueno soon. >.<
I Love YOU! You are my EVERYTHING. Be safe!!!
LOVE YOU!!!!! Your WIFEY"
So I thought I should make a list of all the things I'd like to do while we are here....so, without further ado
My LIST OF THINGS TO DO WHILE IN ALASKA
(In no particular order, and of course with YOU!!!)
1. Ice skate
2. Go sledding (with you!!!)
3. Mush (like lead a team?)
4. Learn how to shoot my bow and arrow
5. Talk to Elders here
6. Pet/Feed the reindeers
7. Ride "the polar bear" ? (apparently its a ride or something off of peridot?)
8. Go to the hot springs.
9. Paint something mushy on those Rocks we always pass that are spray painted.
10. Try Anchorage again, without being BLEH--maybe see Bekah in Nome
11. Get on a HOP to HAWAII. Even if we only stay a weekend!
12. Go ice Fishing (for a moment, until I freeze, or catch a fish.
13. Fish in our backyard.
14. Ride a sled machine
15. Attempt snow boarding? Maybe?
16. Go to a Roller Derby
17. Go to the Rubber Ducky Race thing
18. Have a kid
19. Buy our kid "Made in Alaska" Hoodie (blue) --its an amanda V. thing.
20. Make every moment we're here count...okay...this is the only one that is a number one priority.
I hope you're sleeping. I took benadryl, so hopefully its all bueno soon. >.<
I Love YOU! You are my EVERYTHING. Be safe!!!
LOVE YOU!!!!! Your WIFEY"
Perfectly acceptable Alaskan "BOOTS"....Well, for inside wear
So sue me, I bought them, they are cute damn it. No one here has style anyways. I'll walk in my living room looking cute!
Pushing Daises and Another Pooh Reference.
Minus the need to get-unfatter Pooh. You were always the right size ;)
Real Housewives of the Arctic Tundra
So Rumor has it there were auditions for "Real Housewives of Alaska" around my neck of the woods...I know one of the girls who auditioned, she was my real estate agent...also a Miss Something of Somewhere pageant queen. It could happen, and I would laugh....
ME...Let me introduce you to the "REAL" Housewives of Alaska...We are bored. We complain. We complain lot. We have a Wal-mart and a Fred Meyers, and that is it...the nearest Bed Bath and Beyond is an 8 hour trip away, and thats if you're flying. I -personally-have gotten into confrontations at a supermarket for "cutting in line" on a "SALE" day...It's drama. The ratings would go through the roof....
But let me share what Pooh Bear asked..."what do spouses do all day?" Well, we shovel snow. Then, 4 hours later, we shovel again. :) No lie....When one is left to depend on one's self, when there man is away (lets just be gender biased for the moment), we do EVERYTHING.
We run the household, pay the bills, and basically run our mans life with a piece of paper called Power of Attorney. Mundane you may think, but Try closing a house and signing half your mans credit away into a mortgage because YOU can...Its nerve wracking. Especially when you know, it could be the biggest mistake of your lives....
But that's the "accepted" part of our lives. What most of society comprehends. To order a pizza, using my husbands credit card, I need a piece of paper granting me permission to do so...Okay, boring.
The fun is when you develop "groups" and "friends" of spouses together. For some reason, -called BOREDOM-, everyone is "crafty." Some people knit, others "sew purses," some make bracelets, and then they all sell them to each other. Its bizarre, but it all happens at the "bazaar." No lie. Biggest freaking even of the year, the bazaar. SMH.
But genuinely its good hearted women, who are just trying to fill up there time. I am not such a woman. I am a woman on a mission. I want employment, and I don't want to run a "home business" (which isn't licenced 99.9% of the time) to do so.
I instead end up filling my time "do good-ing." Like volunteering at the community thrift store. OR watching another deployed mom's kids for a bit...OR--Shoveling a driveway for my Pregnant friend!
--But here's the thing with Friends "up here"...You are limited. The place I live is SMALL...Like very small...like 3000 small....and the friends you make can REALLY impact your lives.
For example, My three friends, Pregnant Wife, Loud Wife, and Seasoned Wife...Let me tell you how these personalities play into my life, as they are my ONLY "friends" here.
Pregnant Wife, I met through my husband. His best friends' brother is stationed up here, and they met at the firing range, SO naturally, the wives meet, and naturally the "men" go on deployment within a week of one another. Almost by natural force, we became a "support" for one another. And by one another, I mean, She calls crying, I go over. She's scared someone may break into the house, I go over. The kids need watching, I go over. She is crying again, I go over. NOW...mind you she is the SWEETEST most up beat person I have met up here. She is all about, being "chipper" and "loves the snow" and "isn't Alaska great" and is so in love with her husband and sends him a letter EVERY DAY! and wow...a lot to live up to...and she lent me her trailer for the move, so yeah...Pycho happy, unless she's pregnant crying. But she's a doll, and I have decided to just not answer my phone after 10 pm anymore. Because, despite her sweetness, she has no recollection at moments that I am alone too! I am scared someone breaks into my house, I grab a 40. If my driveway is full of snow, I am out there with a shovel myself. And, albeit that I have no job at the moment, I do have a life....but she is a freeking Ray of Sunshine in the cloudiness, so I Like her, and she inspires me to be a "better wife," and love where I am, because "happiness is a choice..." --Psycho happy that one.
Loud Wife, I met through my husband. The husband's worked in the office for about two weeks together. They liked one another, and naturally the wives should meet. She's loud and says exactly whats on her mind to complete strangers. HATES ALASKA, and tells anyone who's in her way where to put it. She scares me sometimes, but she's a bad ass. I've offered to take care of her kid, but she's the independent type that needs no help from no one. Her husbands leaving in a few days, and she's like, "fuck it, I'm taking the kid and the dog, and I'm leaving until he gets back." --End of story...Crazy independant, that one.
Seasoned Wife, I met through my husband (get the theme). She is the wife of my husbands boss. And at first, I am sure "mandated by her husband to "check on me" when my husband left...Except, her husband leaves in a few days also (ironically with Loud wifes husband)...She is the one crying all the time. Like in the Super Market. Crying. and she's done this for YEARS....15++++ years....She hates Alaska, but I think its because she'll be alone, with her 3 kids....She WANTS to go down to the Lower 48, but as it hasn't been announced, I think she's being forced to hack it up here....After all the kids are in school. So...until summer, she should stay,...and by that time husband should be home...She Hates it and Cries A LOT that one....
And that's it...there is my support group. Mind you, I could go and say "hello" to the women at my husbands office (which I do), or go to spouse meetings (which I do), but to say, come help me pick out some wall color to paint my kitchen, there are the three....
So I've got crying and mega happy to be here bi-polar pregnant chick that I love, but she is a handful, independant to a state of bitchy wife who's leaving, and Cries a-lot wife who HATEs it here.
No balance. At all. Its either, "Isn't Alaska the best thing on earth," or "I hate this place." --Me I'm in the middle. I'm like, eh, I hate shoveling. I hate not being near my family. Fearing for your life while driving on ice is a scary thing- but the house I have is great, and my husband love's it out here, and I like shopping on Ebay and Amazon anyways, so yeah, it sucks, but I'm not going to make it worse by dwelling on it kinda gal.
Maybe I'm the one out of wak. Maybe I need to just need to "LOVE IT!!!" FAKE SMILE!!! ==which is what I do btw, when my husband ask...He's on deployment, he doesn't need to worry.
Le Sigh. So thats my social group, and the real cast members of "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ALASKA"
xoxoxo,
DCGG
ME...Let me introduce you to the "REAL" Housewives of Alaska...We are bored. We complain. We complain lot. We have a Wal-mart and a Fred Meyers, and that is it...the nearest Bed Bath and Beyond is an 8 hour trip away, and thats if you're flying. I -personally-have gotten into confrontations at a supermarket for "cutting in line" on a "SALE" day...It's drama. The ratings would go through the roof....
But let me share what Pooh Bear asked..."what do spouses do all day?" Well, we shovel snow. Then, 4 hours later, we shovel again. :) No lie....When one is left to depend on one's self, when there man is away (lets just be gender biased for the moment), we do EVERYTHING.
We run the household, pay the bills, and basically run our mans life with a piece of paper called Power of Attorney. Mundane you may think, but Try closing a house and signing half your mans credit away into a mortgage because YOU can...Its nerve wracking. Especially when you know, it could be the biggest mistake of your lives....
But that's the "accepted" part of our lives. What most of society comprehends. To order a pizza, using my husbands credit card, I need a piece of paper granting me permission to do so...Okay, boring.
The fun is when you develop "groups" and "friends" of spouses together. For some reason, -called BOREDOM-, everyone is "crafty." Some people knit, others "sew purses," some make bracelets, and then they all sell them to each other. Its bizarre, but it all happens at the "bazaar." No lie. Biggest freaking even of the year, the bazaar. SMH.
But genuinely its good hearted women, who are just trying to fill up there time. I am not such a woman. I am a woman on a mission. I want employment, and I don't want to run a "home business" (which isn't licenced 99.9% of the time) to do so.
I instead end up filling my time "do good-ing." Like volunteering at the community thrift store. OR watching another deployed mom's kids for a bit...OR--Shoveling a driveway for my Pregnant friend!
--But here's the thing with Friends "up here"...You are limited. The place I live is SMALL...Like very small...like 3000 small....and the friends you make can REALLY impact your lives.
For example, My three friends, Pregnant Wife, Loud Wife, and Seasoned Wife...Let me tell you how these personalities play into my life, as they are my ONLY "friends" here.
Pregnant Wife, I met through my husband. His best friends' brother is stationed up here, and they met at the firing range, SO naturally, the wives meet, and naturally the "men" go on deployment within a week of one another. Almost by natural force, we became a "support" for one another. And by one another, I mean, She calls crying, I go over. She's scared someone may break into the house, I go over. The kids need watching, I go over. She is crying again, I go over. NOW...mind you she is the SWEETEST most up beat person I have met up here. She is all about, being "chipper" and "loves the snow" and "isn't Alaska great" and is so in love with her husband and sends him a letter EVERY DAY! and wow...a lot to live up to...and she lent me her trailer for the move, so yeah...Pycho happy, unless she's pregnant crying. But she's a doll, and I have decided to just not answer my phone after 10 pm anymore. Because, despite her sweetness, she has no recollection at moments that I am alone too! I am scared someone breaks into my house, I grab a 40. If my driveway is full of snow, I am out there with a shovel myself. And, albeit that I have no job at the moment, I do have a life....but she is a freeking Ray of Sunshine in the cloudiness, so I Like her, and she inspires me to be a "better wife," and love where I am, because "happiness is a choice..." --Psycho happy that one.
Loud Wife, I met through my husband. The husband's worked in the office for about two weeks together. They liked one another, and naturally the wives should meet. She's loud and says exactly whats on her mind to complete strangers. HATES ALASKA, and tells anyone who's in her way where to put it. She scares me sometimes, but she's a bad ass. I've offered to take care of her kid, but she's the independent type that needs no help from no one. Her husbands leaving in a few days, and she's like, "fuck it, I'm taking the kid and the dog, and I'm leaving until he gets back." --End of story...Crazy independant, that one.
Seasoned Wife, I met through my husband (get the theme). She is the wife of my husbands boss. And at first, I am sure "mandated by her husband to "check on me" when my husband left...Except, her husband leaves in a few days also (ironically with Loud wifes husband)...She is the one crying all the time. Like in the Super Market. Crying. and she's done this for YEARS....15++++ years....She hates Alaska, but I think its because she'll be alone, with her 3 kids....She WANTS to go down to the Lower 48, but as it hasn't been announced, I think she's being forced to hack it up here....After all the kids are in school. So...until summer, she should stay,...and by that time husband should be home...She Hates it and Cries A LOT that one....
And that's it...there is my support group. Mind you, I could go and say "hello" to the women at my husbands office (which I do), or go to spouse meetings (which I do), but to say, come help me pick out some wall color to paint my kitchen, there are the three....
So I've got crying and mega happy to be here bi-polar pregnant chick that I love, but she is a handful, independant to a state of bitchy wife who's leaving, and Cries a-lot wife who HATEs it here.
No balance. At all. Its either, "Isn't Alaska the best thing on earth," or "I hate this place." --Me I'm in the middle. I'm like, eh, I hate shoveling. I hate not being near my family. Fearing for your life while driving on ice is a scary thing- but the house I have is great, and my husband love's it out here, and I like shopping on Ebay and Amazon anyways, so yeah, it sucks, but I'm not going to make it worse by dwelling on it kinda gal.
Maybe I'm the one out of wak. Maybe I need to just need to "LOVE IT!!!" FAKE SMILE!!! ==which is what I do btw, when my husband ask...He's on deployment, he doesn't need to worry.
Le Sigh. So thats my social group, and the real cast members of "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ALASKA"
xoxoxo,
DCGG
a "Real Time" update
Dear Reader,
If you're completely confused, I understand and apologize, yet again. Hopefully the post below sorts out the time line and the newly emerged (previously unpublished) posts...that apparently have and have not posted on this blog.
But let's talk about today....or at least this past month.
If you haven't figured it out, I got married a while ago. Assuming you knew that, my husband moved me to the Arctic Tundra known as Alaska--It's a big state, so I doubt the stalkers will find me.
Still with me? Okay, so my husband got deployed...This is kinda recent. Happened at the beginning of the year. In the middle of winter, and right before buying a brand new 3story, 5 bedroom house. (For Valentines) Which I got to move into, by myself!
--Why did we buy a house in a place I hate??? As I explained it to one friend today, because my husband fell in love with it, and I was crazy enough to allow it.
So, yes, I have a deployed husband, a new house, and a dog and a cat in the frozen tundra...Do I hate it? Honestly, most days, yes. Why wouldn't I? I can't get to family in a life or death emergency. Really. I have heard of one birth and one death, and I was here, frozen in Alaska-- without any means to congratulate or console.
BUT!!! As Luck, God, Karma, the Creator, the Universe, etc would have it....I had an epiphany. A come to Jesus moment, a let me fly down the highway, on ice, and OFF the highway into a ditch full of snow moment....Thankfully, I, my dog (riding shot gun), and the truck, were not injured in this drama I call my life. But, like any good made-for-TV-drama, I had a new insight on life: I was in Alaska, I could die at any moment, and well, shit, do I want to die miserable or happy. --I chose happy.
So, ever since, yes, I put on my snow boots and smile at the world as I dig my truck out of the driveway.
And things have gotten better. Really. I got a "story book" Alaskan home...complete with cedar siding to make it look like a freaking log cabin. (My husband loves this look). My dog, who pretty much terrorized me, has his own backyard to run in. Additionally, while my husband is deployed, no joke, the dog has become the guard dog of me. Where I go, he goes. If a leaf blows to close to our yard, I know about it, because my dog is growling. Soooo yeah, he's a mutt, a terror, and a complete pain in the ass...but he loves me, and I promise someone will get hurt if they try to come in this house and hurt me.
As an aside, the house is huge! There's plenty of room to breathe, and with unpacking everything (that managed to land in the garage as opposed to their designated bedrooms) I stay fairly busy.
I joined the "spouses club," and have met my neighbors. I've been here in the "new house" for almost three weeks, and I am managing, albeit alone.
Day in and day out, being a spouse of a deployed soldier SUCKS. No two ways about it, it sucks. BUT, "positive me" takes it as a learning experience. For instance, today I learned I can shovel a driveway full of a foot and a half of snow all by myself....and then 4 hours later, I learned, if I look really pathetic trying to do it again, the nice neighbor men are very willing to help little 'ole me with their big machines....
--Ala Scarlet, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." (Bats eyes)
But lets talk about my favorite topic, My Men....from November to NOW there has been a big change in that department, yet again.
FOR instance. Mr. Boots scared the hell out of me, by calling my phone---While my Husband was home--What's the big deal? -- Well, I gave myself the "light of day test"...If you don't feel comfortable doing what you're doing out in the light of day where your mama, or in this case my husband, can see you doing it, you probably shouldn't be doing it....SO, I kinda put the breaks on that....Now mind you I have ALWAYS been faithful, but maybe my flirting got out of hand. I did the faithful wife thing, I ended it before it went anywhere it could have, shouldn't have gone. But did I end it? I didn't mean to end it, I just freaked, and we are yet again in a silence? Loose end....
On the other hand, in the past MONTH...(which please don't read into this, as this is the month my husband has been deployed) I have caught up with A LOT of friends...many of them being men...The first encounter (you see in the below blog) with My Mr. Someone. But as you see, the conversation was cordial-- as we are both in goood good places in life, and in very committed relationships. But the rest of the month, well, here's how it started...with a girl...or girls???
So, my good college girl friend, from another part of Alaska, came to visit me about a week ago. We talked, reminisced, etc. It reminded me, "Huh, I should check on our friend Niles"....and I did, and that was swell. Well, not a night goes by, but then my ex fiance--The Dentist-- who was in the SAME crowd of friends as Niles and my aforementioned girl friend, updates his Facebook with the status,"I can't sleep."....Well, guess what? This deployed spouse couldn't sleep either, so we chatted. But yay, friends!
The next day, as I unpack my many boxes in my new home, I unearth some of the CD's that "HE" burnt for me..."HIM" the ex boyfriend, who I had my innocent "buttons" relationship with. The one who was referred to as "HIM" was my recovery, my fall back guy, and in essence my best friend. Many, many a friend swore he was gay, and at times I myself questioned, but yeah, I loved HIM. I found his CD's, and being sentimental, I emailed him at last known e-address, and to my surprise he responded. One line, that he was okay, and that we'd talk soon, but it was a lot after 3 years of silence. I was happy.
Yay. All this good college fun....In addition, a sorority event brought back more nostalgia this weekend, and an emergence of photos on Facebook brought a good Kappa Sig to put his Hello into my world via Facebook comment. SO of course I write back. We were oh so close....
Finally, today, of all days, I remember it is the "other fiance's" birthday. Mind you. We don't talk. Haven't talked for 3+ years either, because well, as his girlfriend, I got a girlfriend, and well, yeah, I bailed. --Admittedly, I was the heel the second time around, but when its over its over, and it was over...and besides he's married now and happy....So, I thought the hell with it, and messaged him, happy birthday and a belated congratualtions on the marriage. Hell, karma makes the world go round, so forgive and forget....
Now cyber universe, I put this question out to you....There's a lot of men in this short time span...My Someone, Niles, The Dentist, HIM, Kappa Sig, and the "other fiance"....Plus the Mr. Boots loose end, that I'm not sure how to tie up.... Seven. Basically...all of my Loves in my college life.. My highschool loves for the record are --my Marine, and My First Boyfriend, The Freshman, and his best Friend...yeah, classy, I know. But its a story, Like them all...
OKAY...and of only three other men -in my entire life--I "heart" that could possibly read this...is the Football player, who was a fling, but we remain friends via his sister--awkward because He's married too...My BFF's in texas, J and My Texas Boyfriend (married and about to be married, accordingly), and Pooh Bear from law school? Who keeps changing faster than a chameleon. So he's a catch up...but yeah. Friend boxes completely. Right? LOL
TRUTH...I say...Not bad since I'm 30, and in essence I am honest to goodness "friends" with 12 out of the 14. And this was all friendships established as "friends" before my husband. And for the record, I did not sleep with all of them...SO...is that okay? I'm pulling the light of day test on myself and saying as long as they are "just friends" okay....
Am I just open to keeping relationships friendships? Am I clinging on to a past, because my future isn't sitting beside me? Was it just weird timing?
If anything, it was worth a blog post. I'll try to be more frequent and current on the updates, as maybe the reflection would do me good. *Shrug* at least I'll look back on the years and smile.
xoxoxo,
DCGG
If you're completely confused, I understand and apologize, yet again. Hopefully the post below sorts out the time line and the newly emerged (previously unpublished) posts...that apparently have and have not posted on this blog.
But let's talk about today....or at least this past month.
If you haven't figured it out, I got married a while ago. Assuming you knew that, my husband moved me to the Arctic Tundra known as Alaska--It's a big state, so I doubt the stalkers will find me.
Still with me? Okay, so my husband got deployed...This is kinda recent. Happened at the beginning of the year. In the middle of winter, and right before buying a brand new 3story, 5 bedroom house. (For Valentines) Which I got to move into, by myself!
--Why did we buy a house in a place I hate??? As I explained it to one friend today, because my husband fell in love with it, and I was crazy enough to allow it.
So, yes, I have a deployed husband, a new house, and a dog and a cat in the frozen tundra...Do I hate it? Honestly, most days, yes. Why wouldn't I? I can't get to family in a life or death emergency. Really. I have heard of one birth and one death, and I was here, frozen in Alaska-- without any means to congratulate or console.
BUT!!! As Luck, God, Karma, the Creator, the Universe, etc would have it....I had an epiphany. A come to Jesus moment, a let me fly down the highway, on ice, and OFF the highway into a ditch full of snow moment....Thankfully, I, my dog (riding shot gun), and the truck, were not injured in this drama I call my life. But, like any good made-for-TV-drama, I had a new insight on life: I was in Alaska, I could die at any moment, and well, shit, do I want to die miserable or happy. --I chose happy.
So, ever since, yes, I put on my snow boots and smile at the world as I dig my truck out of the driveway.
And things have gotten better. Really. I got a "story book" Alaskan home...complete with cedar siding to make it look like a freaking log cabin. (My husband loves this look). My dog, who pretty much terrorized me, has his own backyard to run in. Additionally, while my husband is deployed, no joke, the dog has become the guard dog of me. Where I go, he goes. If a leaf blows to close to our yard, I know about it, because my dog is growling. Soooo yeah, he's a mutt, a terror, and a complete pain in the ass...but he loves me, and I promise someone will get hurt if they try to come in this house and hurt me.
As an aside, the house is huge! There's plenty of room to breathe, and with unpacking everything (that managed to land in the garage as opposed to their designated bedrooms) I stay fairly busy.
I joined the "spouses club," and have met my neighbors. I've been here in the "new house" for almost three weeks, and I am managing, albeit alone.
Day in and day out, being a spouse of a deployed soldier SUCKS. No two ways about it, it sucks. BUT, "positive me" takes it as a learning experience. For instance, today I learned I can shovel a driveway full of a foot and a half of snow all by myself....and then 4 hours later, I learned, if I look really pathetic trying to do it again, the nice neighbor men are very willing to help little 'ole me with their big machines....
--Ala Scarlet, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." (Bats eyes)
But lets talk about my favorite topic, My Men....from November to NOW there has been a big change in that department, yet again.
FOR instance. Mr. Boots scared the hell out of me, by calling my phone---While my Husband was home--What's the big deal? -- Well, I gave myself the "light of day test"...If you don't feel comfortable doing what you're doing out in the light of day where your mama, or in this case my husband, can see you doing it, you probably shouldn't be doing it....SO, I kinda put the breaks on that....Now mind you I have ALWAYS been faithful, but maybe my flirting got out of hand. I did the faithful wife thing, I ended it before it went anywhere it could have, shouldn't have gone. But did I end it? I didn't mean to end it, I just freaked, and we are yet again in a silence? Loose end....
On the other hand, in the past MONTH...(which please don't read into this, as this is the month my husband has been deployed) I have caught up with A LOT of friends...many of them being men...The first encounter (you see in the below blog) with My Mr. Someone. But as you see, the conversation was cordial-- as we are both in goood good places in life, and in very committed relationships. But the rest of the month, well, here's how it started...with a girl...or girls???
So, my good college girl friend, from another part of Alaska, came to visit me about a week ago. We talked, reminisced, etc. It reminded me, "Huh, I should check on our friend Niles"....and I did, and that was swell. Well, not a night goes by, but then my ex fiance--The Dentist-- who was in the SAME crowd of friends as Niles and my aforementioned girl friend, updates his Facebook with the status,"I can't sleep."....Well, guess what? This deployed spouse couldn't sleep either, so we chatted. But yay, friends!
The next day, as I unpack my many boxes in my new home, I unearth some of the CD's that "HE" burnt for me..."HIM" the ex boyfriend, who I had my innocent "buttons" relationship with. The one who was referred to as "HIM" was my recovery, my fall back guy, and in essence my best friend. Many, many a friend swore he was gay, and at times I myself questioned, but yeah, I loved HIM. I found his CD's, and being sentimental, I emailed him at last known e-address, and to my surprise he responded. One line, that he was okay, and that we'd talk soon, but it was a lot after 3 years of silence. I was happy.
Yay. All this good college fun....In addition, a sorority event brought back more nostalgia this weekend, and an emergence of photos on Facebook brought a good Kappa Sig to put his Hello into my world via Facebook comment. SO of course I write back. We were oh so close....
Finally, today, of all days, I remember it is the "other fiance's" birthday. Mind you. We don't talk. Haven't talked for 3+ years either, because well, as his girlfriend, I got a girlfriend, and well, yeah, I bailed. --Admittedly, I was the heel the second time around, but when its over its over, and it was over...and besides he's married now and happy....So, I thought the hell with it, and messaged him, happy birthday and a belated congratualtions on the marriage. Hell, karma makes the world go round, so forgive and forget....
Now cyber universe, I put this question out to you....There's a lot of men in this short time span...My Someone, Niles, The Dentist, HIM, Kappa Sig, and the "other fiance"....Plus the Mr. Boots loose end, that I'm not sure how to tie up.... Seven. Basically...all of my Loves in my college life.. My highschool loves for the record are --my Marine, and My First Boyfriend, The Freshman, and his best Friend...yeah, classy, I know. But its a story, Like them all...
OKAY...and of only three other men -in my entire life--I "heart" that could possibly read this...is the Football player, who was a fling, but we remain friends via his sister--awkward because He's married too...My BFF's in texas, J and My Texas Boyfriend (married and about to be married, accordingly), and Pooh Bear from law school? Who keeps changing faster than a chameleon. So he's a catch up...but yeah. Friend boxes completely. Right? LOL
TRUTH...I say...Not bad since I'm 30, and in essence I am honest to goodness "friends" with 12 out of the 14. And this was all friendships established as "friends" before my husband. And for the record, I did not sleep with all of them...SO...is that okay? I'm pulling the light of day test on myself and saying as long as they are "just friends" okay....
Am I just open to keeping relationships friendships? Am I clinging on to a past, because my future isn't sitting beside me? Was it just weird timing?
If anything, it was worth a blog post. I'll try to be more frequent and current on the updates, as maybe the reflection would do me good. *Shrug* at least I'll look back on the years and smile.
xoxoxo,
DCGG
Another from there to here...
Dear Reader,
I apologize. This blog has turned into a timeline mess. --Below are three post that I didn't know published to "this" blog...as I now have a second blog that I use to track my current "my husbands deployed," scenario. --Below them are are three post that were in "draft form" that apparently never got published.
I have time lined them as closely as possible to how they may have occurred...So, if you want to see the previously "short" rants, of a miserable chick, by all means, see below...
But bear with me, the letter below should give some rhyme and reason to how I got from there..."Miserable married chick hating everything," to here..."Still Miserable, but FAKING IT and being grateful for all I have." (Smiley Face)
After this, I swear I'll give an, "In real time" update....
Notice: Mr. SOMEONE...Please excuse my printing of my letter to you, but I think you'll agree its pertinent...
Mr. Someone Asks: How are things these days?
(I respond via Facebook)
January 23
"....As to things now a days, it's a slightly complicated response.
I still am not in Love w.Alaska...Haven't been since August primarily because I was supposed to be working, and then couldn't (hiring freeze at DOD)...Plus, I can't even get TV where we are renting right now, which is a small uncomfortable environment with no yard, that makes owning a dog extremely stressful......And you might have read that frustration...but it is only frustration and boredom.
...BUT we are buying a home, which is beautiful, and in a good neighborhood, and has a yard, LOL --which as a spouse of a deployed soldier means, I no longer have to Freak out when the dog runs away in -50.
But, (((HUSBAND)) JUST deployed. -Like two days ago deployed, and well, that sucks. I'm not at all used to it, but Since December I did a check on my attitude that basically is, "I could Hate it here, or I could make the best of it, and bottom line is, I'm married, so I'm here regardless so I am going to do my damnedest to support my husband." And that's where I am now, a positive frame of mind. My mom and husband noticed the change. Even my husband's supervisor, is like, Your wife is always so positive
...So I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness regardless of circumstance... The Moving Helps immensely. It keeps me busy and gives me a light at the end of a bad renters tunnel. I just keep telling myself, I only need to make it until Feb 16th. Also, as of THIS morning, I finally got the paperwork cleared so that I could be hired/working. Which will also keep me busy...
Finally, I plowed the truck into snow last month-- off the highway-- which will give anyone a quick "come to Jesus" moment...I realized very quickly, all I had to loose, and make it a point to be very grateful. I try to tell everyone I love how important they are...because yeah, I could have lost so much...
Anywhoo, thats me.1 yr summed up. How are you?"
I apologize. This blog has turned into a timeline mess. --Below are three post that I didn't know published to "this" blog...as I now have a second blog that I use to track my current "my husbands deployed," scenario. --Below them are are three post that were in "draft form" that apparently never got published.
I have time lined them as closely as possible to how they may have occurred...So, if you want to see the previously "short" rants, of a miserable chick, by all means, see below...
But bear with me, the letter below should give some rhyme and reason to how I got from there..."Miserable married chick hating everything," to here..."Still Miserable, but FAKING IT and being grateful for all I have." (Smiley Face)
After this, I swear I'll give an, "In real time" update....
Notice: Mr. SOMEONE...Please excuse my printing of my letter to you, but I think you'll agree its pertinent...
Mr. Someone Asks: How are things these days?
(I respond via Facebook)
January 23
"....As to things now a days, it's a slightly complicated response.
I still am not in Love w.Alaska...Haven't been since August primarily because I was supposed to be working, and then couldn't (hiring freeze at DOD)...Plus, I can't even get TV where we are renting right now, which is a small uncomfortable environment with no yard, that makes owning a dog extremely stressful......And you might have read that frustration...but it is only frustration and boredom.
...BUT we are buying a home, which is beautiful, and in a good neighborhood, and has a yard, LOL --which as a spouse of a deployed soldier means, I no longer have to Freak out when the dog runs away in -50.
But, (((HUSBAND)) JUST deployed. -Like two days ago deployed, and well, that sucks. I'm not at all used to it, but Since December I did a check on my attitude that basically is, "I could Hate it here, or I could make the best of it, and bottom line is, I'm married, so I'm here regardless so I am going to do my damnedest to support my husband." And that's where I am now, a positive frame of mind. My mom and husband noticed the change. Even my husband's supervisor, is like, Your wife is always so positive
...So I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness regardless of circumstance... The Moving Helps immensely. It keeps me busy and gives me a light at the end of a bad renters tunnel. I just keep telling myself, I only need to make it until Feb 16th. Also, as of THIS morning, I finally got the paperwork cleared so that I could be hired/working. Which will also keep me busy...
Finally, I plowed the truck into snow last month-- off the highway-- which will give anyone a quick "come to Jesus" moment...I realized very quickly, all I had to loose, and make it a point to be very grateful. I try to tell everyone I love how important they are...because yeah, I could have lost so much...
Anywhoo, thats me.1 yr summed up. How are you?"
Dear friend who's call I didn't pick up,
Its 1: 42 and I'm barely going to bed. Rough night of just missing my husband. I want so much to make things easier on him, but I know its just part of it. Putting on a brave face and smiling is just the hardest...le sigh. just another night as just another deployed soldier's wife.
Just when I thought my Husband couldn't make me any happier...he does.
