LEtter to SIS

Well the following sums it up.....and stick a fork in me I'm done

Girl I am so tired. it's 4:06 am. and i get to be up and playing with kindergartners in 3 hours, can we say yay?
ugh. But anyways thank you so much again girl, i owe you my academic career. AWWW good job academic chair, always looking out, :)
ne-whoo, here ya go, call me asap if there are any problems, ULR "S"

Final Paper Instructions:
Print out Paper
Go to history department
Between Financial aid and El Centro
Go up the handicap ramp
Door on the left
Rm: 1075, check to make sure it says Linda Hall on Door.
(If lost ask receptionist or call me)
Slide paper under door 

I will love you forever,
And not get failed out of my graduate program 

K—that’s it, anything anything at all call or text me.

writing here, instead of writing the ex. don't know what i'm doing or what i'm thinking. don't want to hurt him anymore, and yet, i wonder why i hurt myself. i mean, honestly, why am i relapsing? is it because i know the dentist is a fantasy, because i know Marine will be leaving, because i am now making things up about C falling for D, which i still think is fairly true, but still unimportant???? really now. ugh, i'm so aggravated with myself. and this nervouse scratching began again. fuck, my whole left forearm is all red. grrr....
and then--and then, *deep breath*--i pissed him off, geese. i had no right, and you know, my bat. seriously, ugh, i hate finals, and stress, and i want to just go to law school already and be done with it.
i', going to join a nunnery
working on pancho villa ness, lovely, freak'n lovely--and why am i doing this i can hear my mom saying: (and I recite) "Because mom, I was so damn scared that he was truly going to hurt me, that I packed up my bags, quit my $17 dollar and hour job+ benefits, took incompletes for the semester, and ran back home to mommy."
right, sobering, but sad.
C is pissed. OMG. and i so deserve it. ugh, i hate it when i do this. take things out on him that the world caused, and i couldn't deal with. grrr
texting him now--shall we see?
lol. yeah and like a true best friend, he doesn't text me back, he calls, and now, i'm not only getting c's arms, but moms cookies, and beer, wow, and they ask me why i love him?

And yes i have internet, but writing from my phone is easier. great C has fallen for D. go freakin figure. well lovely. bound
to happen sometime. ugh. this will so change everything. well might as well get it over and done with. him and his under agers
Yeah on the plus side. that will be over quick, as i think she might think he's cute and besides i have 11 days to see how
quickly life can change. yeah. wow. my housemate

Someone once told me...

Lack of clarity in a personal relationship may be confusing now, for the more you try to grasp the truth, the farther away it seems to drift. If you don't understand exactly what's being expressed by someone close to you, don't struggle to get it right. Instead, just let it slide for a day or two. It will make more sense to you soon enough.

So are we tired of my phone messages? me too! Internet is now available at the CASA!!!! YAY yet again. But right now, Must complete these damn finals. I swear they will be the death of me. Um....plans for Juarez back on. Dentist still coming. J--you're a looser who needs to pay your phone bill (JK--thanks for the phone call and look forward to seeing you on the 2nd with your girl---Awww. Everyone say aww, Girlie Girl is staying with J! awww. And i know what her christmas gift is !!!! HEE HEE Shhhhh.) Okay, Prophet is being a looser and doesn't get leave til April! Ugh. Now everyone be mad. Hurr-rumph.  ummmm....I start my kindergarden class tommorrow! yay 6yr olds. what else. dentist, prophet, j, oh, 18 yr old boy is still a looser who owes me cash flow. grrr 25 bucks is still 25 bucks. Thats almost two Shinedown tickets! BTW--Shinedown, Sunshine, Jan 10th. You should go. 15 dollars pre sale. What else. hmmm. you know when people or things just pop in your life unexpectadely (i so can't spell right now, but yeah)--and then EVERYTHING reminds you of them (despite whether you wanted to be reminded or not???)

hmmm...so I'm sitting at a stop light and on the back of a truck is the quote:

"Racing is Life.

Everything before or after is just waiting"

And I'm like, Wow. and then I'm like, hmmmm. and then I'm like Damn, I'm going to be thinking of him all day aren't I. and I did. and I hate that.

Plus in addition. the housemate, D, has become completely obsessed with this boy, who as I keep relaying to her, is just a BOY!!!! WE shall call him PizzaBoy as a matter of fact. So she's all in love with PizzaBoy and is like blah, blah, blah, and what if, and blah. And i love this girl, but I realized, damn is this what I seemed like? and if so, damn. What's worse, if I probably cared enough to check, I'm sure the journals would show, yeah, I really was just as bad. And that not only creeps me out, but makes me feel really bad. So--mr. someone, if you ever read this, which I'm sure you don't cuz I'm sure you have a life, --like I'm sure no one reads-(see previous entries on my real friends never read--) BUT IF YA do stumble across this random foolishness sometime, damn, I'm sorry. I mean we had something pretty decent and ya know I really did manage to screw that up. yeah. sorry 'bout that. but still if you do read, you should know I recovered fast enough, lol, so I guess I wasn't that head sprung. lol. Well, ne-whoo-with that out of the way, maybe I'll finally get him out of my head.

which yes other boys in my head, my mother has now convinved me yet again that I made a good choice by leaving and with D's countdown to when the Dentist returns, (12 MORE DAYS--it's better than christmas!)--simultaniously running with the stepmoms countdown to when I'm heading to vegas, I'm thinking there all right.

So here is the countdown as we see them--

9 hours till party time with Marine. (and yes there are plans for him staying over--in the purely platonic, you should just spend the night, kinda way)

1 day, mas o menos, till I have two kindergarten classes and am employed at a real job! yay 

3 days till I pick up the reason I never think about slitting my wrist. Seriously if I ever lived for anyone, it truly is that kid.

3 days til juarez

 10 days till Christmas (which is another countdown in it self--the chant was to chisten ---- by Christmas: and NO this is no longer a goal nor desire)

um... 10 days I guess till i have my first ever Christmas away from family, but then thats 10 days from spending Christmas with C's family. Awww. yes, the invite did occur, and I am "formally invited."

and then theres 12 days for Dentist return and my proposed alope-ment

14 days till SanDi California

17 days til my return to this place but with a visit from J! yay. and then wow, a break???

yeah, like one whole week. hmmm. what to do???? well, theres Shinedown on the 10th with C.

OH DAMN I almost forgot. MARINE came to his descision. he leaves the 2nd for wyoming, leaving me and his girl behind. yeah, damn. he broke the news to me on monday over long islands and corona. hence, his staying at my place tonight. yeah, sadness. I'm gonna miss him. he was so fun. well, I have him tonight, so no worries til then right, right.

whats left? Petioning for an incomplete extension from last year, one more final still now recieved from a teacher, paying my tuition so I can enroll, and yeah, that Lambda thing. Which, yeah, I'm seriously starting that the second I'm done with finals. It's only 958 emails. Yeah. Only. Well, one step at a time right.

okay this is me not procrastinating and getting off. Afterall, C's opperant condioning is pretty effective, no contact till I'm done with Finals--harsh but truly motivating. 

k--til I'm bored again.  

Sitting in fingerprinting. waiting for D. she should arrive looking quite slutty, i hear
Listening to C's 5th compilation mix c.d.

He calls it opperant coditioning. but at least he's playful again. hmmm. new record. less than 48 hours.
So feeling out of it. i wasted a whole day. well i went to work. but didn't do my academics. grr me. perhaps good reason to
allow C to scold me. hmmm. he says santa said i was a bad girl. i tend to agree. oh well. i'm so good at being bad. O:-)
Must stop. oh. p.s. might have internet tomorrow :-)

I'm so unmotivated to write this paper!
Must shut off tv!
Oh no. Scrubs..."I can't do this on my own ~ I'm no Superman"
Omg. so cute. love that show. okay really. work
Ugh. and parental units are killing my weekend plans. grr

Does anyone ever read this?

Mood-Blah

Just curious, does anyone ever read this????
Where did my comments go?
 *sigh. Yeah. The Dentist returns. Life will be grand in a week.
speaking of visitors: The Prophet will be returning, as well as the 14 yr old royal cuteness.  YAY
Plans for break?
Well, hmmmm....quitting "the HOLE" so YAY, starting my job as an EA. hee hee.
The "good" housemate will be leaving town so, hmmm. ilicit behavior may occur.
um...random re-occurances in my life:
1. Playa Playa,--very odd, dating one of my sorrors I'm hearing. Hearing also, that he's saying I'm calling him---hmmm curious. Because you can check my inbound calls and, yeah, I think thats the other way around, but in the words of my cali friends--WHAT-EV
2. Mr. Someone has shown up on my buddy list again, I wonder if I'm off excile, or if he just finally has gotten online again? hmmm. Curious. You know what the, SERIOUSLY, aside from the weirdness I was going through, Mr. Someone truly was good times. He taught me alot, and besides I owe him for my musical incarnation
3. The Dentist will be returning.....AHHHHH! okay so I'm not trying to get excited, but seriously, if I go to Vegas I wouldn't be surprised. Of-course that wont happen but yeah, would I mind? yeah-no.

What else? hmmmm. J fix your phone looser. I'm poor too, but c'mon, don't be like 18 yr old scrub.

*sigh,. one day i will get the internet!!!!!!
like hopefully tonight?

Think I'm going to ditch work this week. No--seriously.
Got to get some academic stuff done. ON  THE REALS
*Sigh, Blah, so much happening, not enough time,
and YET---
I have time for sunset strolls with C, talks with C's mom, ---oooh ooooh, I should get cookies soon! Oh yes the privaledges of being C's "best friend"
yeah--that best friend thing. So funny, even his mom (as C put it last night) "swears we're together"
What on earth could give her that impression?
Well if anyone does read this, good luck on finals and what not. Damn, if anyone is out there, I miss ya'll..
You should write me!!!
well, talk to ya'll later little universe, I'll just keep living in it.
Muah--besitos.

Feel guilty; because in true 3rd grade style- I started it. and now yeah he feels bad. happy and relieved: because it gives
because i got what i wanted. sad because maybe that makes me awful.

And then...Just when you think there's no point. 1a.m. rolls around and C makes it all better. Yeah...Wow. feeling-Happy.
C always can make me happy. find my smile.

Want to talk to the ex- but no its for nothing
Think D is right. just want someone
Keep looking at his screen name... wanting to accidentally write him

Freud plus horny-ness does not make for a quiet evening
So i want to go out and my marine is nowhere to be found...
Worse yet i have relapsed something sic and miss the ex
Marine gone, miss the ex. C as always is the commit a phobe, i'm reading freud,and yeah...Wow
I AM AN IDIOT

second to everyone, primary to no one

Another go figure, as suspected, 18 yr old boy had a girlfriend.

HEE HEE. Sad for him... this time I found out by talking to HER (yesterdays events on "As the Ho' turns") rather then getting his lies or sloppy seconds for the very short duration I would have allowed him to stay in my life. Oh well. :)

True true, I was only playing a game but c'mon, why play with other peoples toys. No good. Bad karma.

On that note, song on the radio.

 

Karma
Lloyd Banks
(The Hunger For More)

[Chorus]
I am the one you denied
Brushed me off everytime tried
But im alright
I'm able to swallow my pride
And put all the bullshit to the side
If u ready to ride
Im down for a one night stand
I'll accept it any way that i can
Cuz i aint yo man
i'll try for whatever its worth
Just remember who played who first

simply put...go figure

i have returned to the world of internet. and life while not utterly simplistic and ideal, is for the most part better. "Instant"-ly I am connected with the sis, and the best friend, and let me tell you if there is anyone i miss more, than those two peoples pressence online, i mean, c'mon

in addition--here comes the go figure, un beknownst to myself apparently, i left my ex on the buddy list, and what should be the first thing that comes up is his away from iddle message--which of course leads to a chain of events, eventually leading to me checking his first ever but nonethe less present blog entry. can we say curriosity killed the cat.

speaking of--blogs and cats, well another pseudo-nym comes to mind (in the words of J) but the temptation to check My summer's someones blog kinda irks at me, perhaps the therapy or perhaps just common sense tells me it just surely isn't worth it.

in addition, new scene introduced to me by C, last week, myspace.com. me i'm staying the hell away for the mere fact that yes it was introduced to me by C, and it's not like i need to be reading his blog entries either. ugh. the blog, the death of us all right.?
just for my three drink tabultation: hee hee, i know right?
(to be explained later)
alright people, i'm back, so get those comments a posting. Damn, where did all my sister go at that? hmmmm.....
k shower now, blog more later. cuz you know what???? i got internet, and i can do that!!!!

Long time no entry...

Without internet at home, and with two jobs, I certainly don’t have time to write, but hey, what are you going to do?

Me I’m trying to mend some broken friendships, perhaps friendships better left alone.

SO…I haven’t even seen how many of my “Cell Phone” entries have posted (SINCE AGAIN NO INTERNET)—

Life without the net for a college girl like myself is truly purgatory, I truly feel like I am paying for sins not yet committed.

So Let me see if I can organize any semblance of an entry.

Consumption of alcohol has been on the rise again, a temptation we need to avoid, however, nicotine intake has been minimum :

Alcoholic activities for this week have included the following

Today: 2 glasses red wine

Yesterday: Proud to report not a drop. However I did have a hangover

So that was the result of Friday night: 2 long island ice teas, and an amstel light

Yah, amazing how seemingly small some drinks appear.

Thursday (Thanksgiving): 2 glasses red wine

Wednesday: um…..yeah, long island ice tea, and amstel light

Tuesday: Nothing,

Monday: Nothing

Saturday & Sunday: 2 shots Rum

Other than that clean last week.

k—with that homework out of the way: Lets relay the haps:

In abbreviated form for those who don’t get the daily TM pages on my soap opera of a life “as the hoe turns”: here’s the deal-lee-oh

Where to even begin? Well lets start with the insignifigants or those less heard from,

Just in case we forgot: mr someone is long gone, with only a minor glance ever so often as I heads to and from someplace in sweats and looking like crap to probably further his justifications for not staying with me but whatever, with me no longer living at the same place, Stalker laundry boy has done well in not contacting me, speaking of stalkers (which my ex is not but secretly I worry) MY ex, is no where or no one to be heard of which suits me just fine—honestly though, I contemplated the other day:

What if he were to see me in my escapades???

Lets take Friday night for example, shall we?

Leaving one boys car, hammered, obnoxious, and worst of all, loud, dropping the entire contents of my purse on the corner of Greek central, to which rather than be disturbed both me and my inebriated male counter part just continue to laugh.

Following the “picking up of my life” : I stumble towards yet again another “side door” of my so called Greek life, to be let in by one and only, um, what do we call him nowadays, well C-- (humunuh, what????)

Yeah, well any ways, so imagine, the ex to have been privy to this intoxicated exhibition of lack of socially constructed values?  (Justification much??? Maybe.)

Yeah, not wrist splitting or anything, but you never know, and even under the best of circumstances still not a very comfortable view you would like of you ex I suppose.

Well, I suppose it is a very good thing I no longer looks for his, or any other male approval….

Speaking of which---(70’s porn theme music for “as the Hoe turns” plays: *bow-chick-a- bowmp-bow**** Announcer reads: “Like condoms in a fish bowl, so are the days of our lives---)

Boys boys boys. Less time more job, less friends, no money still (spending way too much, yeah) but still, magically, still the boys in my life never cease.

So a month has passed and right on cue, another monthly hook-up from HIM –

Except now, like lessons well taught by his predecessor, I have begun to try to remain, unattached, hoping like all hell perhaps, either one I might will myself to BE unnattatched or at least make the time lapse between our monthly-ness become less vile, and soothe a commitment phobia this man has no plans of working through….

*sigh.

But I suppose that’s why I do the things I do?

What is that we all wonder in awe and amazement, no no one does, but I wish someone did. Anyways, this fear of commitment, has and continues to allow me to keep my 18 yr old boy job distraction in a convincing manner quite content that I remain a cute, “shy” “virgin”—like? girl in his life.

And this is bad. Because unlike mr someone from this summer, I have no idea how to remain unconcerned about the welfare of other peoples’ hearts, when I know I control them.  (a lesson not quite learned before my heart became a small casualty of this summers final lesson)

Well, 18 yr old boy thinks I’m his. LOL, My marine, knows he’s wrong, as does C. Soccoro boy knows actually nothing of 18 yr old boy, but as we have not seen soccorro boy in two weeks, it’s not his concern. Besides Soccorro boy has a thing about leaving literal marks of his pressance in my life, which makes it very difficult to enjoy this single adventure I have begun to pursue.

Continuing. Marine, is no longer getting married, to this we are ecstatic, not becauser I think I have a chance, but because I though he was an idiot for wanting to marry this girl any way. But nonetheless, marine, yes, marine is privy to all the games I do and do not play, and Like myself he is quick to call “shannanagins” on my fears, and is quick to lay it out…

I am the “cute friend” whom guys call favors on, and I allow it to happen, so I suppose, well, in the words of the dentist, I KNOW, I shouldn’t bitch.

Speaking of THAT: long lost love of my life, yes, dentist-- still has plans to come join us in this great land of entrapment for the bringing in of the new year.  Oh yes, as the PROPHET(new, but old friend that remains in Virginia, and is rarely mentioned or called has said regarding this man)— I do need to “LET IT GO!”

Um, what remains, in summation, one weekend, three boys, two I have re-discovered within only the time that I could allow myself to feel hygienic, but not quite guilt free, are both such damn good kissers. Ugh!

One I control, One controls me, and the other just laughs with me, drinks with me, and remains knowledgeable that he too might, and more likely than not, will too one fine day call in a favor.

Last note: aside from this being way too damn long, I must pick up SETH’s new and old CD’s—oh yes, aside from the CD memory collection I’m creating, talk about a damn good artist. Finally, a guitarist who has been able to pull me out of the JM aversion left in my mouth from autumn.

Till I have more time in a computer pod. Ciao little big universe

101 a.m. crunk After night with marine. good times :-)

K. 18 yr old boys are dope. My marine is back in town. i'm making mad money. got family in check. we have a washer & dryer.
Yeah. dentist to come back soon; whether into my life or what ever is to be determined. me and C Are working mn it day by day
J.low and i haven't spoken in a while but i haven't spoken to anyone. . .
Biggy said it best,"Mo money, Mo problems!"

Seth, C, good times. yeah. wow. i'm an idiot in love with being in love. but on the plus side, i don't stop playing the game.

Lol. i think it is time to revamp my I'm in love with a boy song.
It should now include the term commit a phobe

no!!!!!

Ever notice it's when you're late to class, that your computer crashes, but you've read the book for once and yeah, and in a last attempt to make it to class, looking like crap, why is it that you would run into someone you least expect to see--well, at least thats who i thought i heard,......hmmm.....

sisters wearing make up, soccorro boy has started spending the night--

how did that go, "she spends more time over than i expected?"

hmmm--C remains a commit a phobe and in my book king of all boys, boys are all idiots, you do the syllogism.....

oooh graduate student starting to show her real colors, yeah and the night shift floor manager "wants to make love to me"

I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world, life's fantastic, made of plastic.

yeah---wow.

 

haha, 18 yr old called me babe, kisses good bye, yeah, i'm an idiot, but on the plus side, i stopped drinking?

Girlfriends
I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we
only have parties for each other when one of us gets married, pregnant,
has a birthday, or retires? What would most of us do without our
sisters, confidants, and shopping, lunching and traveling girlfriends?
Let's celebrate each other for each other's sake!

Awe something my step mom sent--que cute!

Words from the cell phone...I'm tired. Bed is moved. therefore. new home? slight updates. somehow managing to keep my job.
Housemates refuse to let me slide on rent any further, so i guess it's a good thing.
Lol. took a ride Soccorro the other night. hee hee. yeah. a mysterious "bruise" has appeared on my shoulder. hmm. curious.
18 year old is the cutest and i'm the cutest over him
we all approve of J.s girl.
Me and C are back to same old same old. therefore the world can stop hearing me bitch about it. :)
All done. i have no computer. so i'll correct and add more later

before i nap

*yawn. Got sent home today. I'm exhausted, yet thouroughly pleased with myself.
I have a pimp halloween costume, i had tons of fun last night.
LOL. OMG. 18 year old boy comes by my cubicle today and first thing he tells me, is where was I? LOL After the debate as to whether or not it was me that missed him, or him that missed me, we summed up with well, whatever.
LOL He got sent home too. Maybe us 8 in the morning people should meet in the afternoon instead of at midnight huh?
oh well.  *sigh
Still don't know what to do. Heaven and Hell should be soon, don't know if I'm going/want to go/am invited to go. Still so hurt, so very very hurt. Worse, is everytime i think I want to explain it, i keep thinking people think I'm "emotional" --so it's like forget it, no one cares, you know?
well, Three gets it. as per IM summary, and that's conforting. DZ hears me, as does my royal cuteness of a sister, J-low will listen but all the girls are in line to "just forgive him"  They don't get it i think? They really don't get that I'm so mad, I just might let him go, just let it all go, should he say one wrong word.  I don't want to loose him, thats why I'm taking time.
The boys in my life get it, J-votes "sketchy" as always, but really knows it's the oddest thing, and actually is shocked that "of all people, HIM"
Marine votes "yeah we're stupid" as he says all men just don't realize and sometimes need a wake up call.
me---sleepy. gonna sleep, maybe there will be a party tonight. maybe. we'll see.

More tired than buzzed

Sleepy, so sleepy,
miss C, I know it hurts me more than him.
thats why he isn't calling, or maybe he's scared i won't pick up.
i won't. i miss my friend
went out with my marine,
saw the ex's best friends. an occurance ussually accompanied when i'm with the marine, odd.
meaning, every time i'm with the marine, i run into my ex's friends, very odd
non-intentional, swear.
18 yr old boy from work was supposed to meet me tonight but he was probably smarter than me and realized we have work in oh lets see, 6 hours, omg, i have to go to bed!!!
i miss him. awwww
#12 is prego!!!! omg everyone is starting "real" life
me, i can barely handle a dog. lol
we get a dog in two weeks yay.
bought an awesome costume for halloween
hmmm wonder if i'll use it.
i'm so buzzed as i write this....
she's always buzzing like neon, neon, lol
wonder how that guy is doing, hmmmm
don't really care to be honest, i mean outside of the friendship realm i guess,
awww, i miss C. and I'm mad at 18 yr old, but not really,
 lol
18 yr old is cute, he is so shy,
i wonder what the hell i'm gonna do about that boy,
*sigh, doesn't matter,
maybe it's because i'm tipsy, but
does it really matter what you do when your heart belongs to someone else?
i guess we'll find out
lol, esp. after a certain girls initiation date,
OMG i'm still so mad, and still so hurt, and yet i can't stand this,
lol
well not going to cry, going  to pass out
dear higher powers let me wake up and be able to go and function at work!!!! lol. ha ha
mmmmm...candy :)

awww....i want my C's shirt, i just want to be close in that go do whatever kinda way, but just let me wear your shirt, and your cologne, and sleep in your bed...yeah...lol
yeah....wow....
boys are dumb....
drinking
1 rum and coke, 1 long island
ate dinner, ate alot,
using boys specifically 18 yr old to get over this C thing, not good, dependency!!!!
:)
okay sleep, must sleep, bye, go away shhhhhhh

IM Summary

Well here is the summary, if you know me this isn't as "coded" as it might seem, in fact it might be way to much of an overshare, but, well, it's just for me, because well, this really does summarize where I am.
LOL--Besides I would be sharing these feelings but I'm too worried that would be taken as me being "Emotional"---ugh!!!! Still mad....but well here's the truth of the matter...In IM form:

ME: so, what should i do now?
Three: you don’t want to be all, ok I forgot everything happened and happy with him
Three: but you don’t want to be bitchy cuz he is a good friend

Three: if i where you id let him know that are boundaries that he is not allowed to cross
Three: no matter how good of a friend he is
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: b/c he is playing with you emotions
Three: which I’m sure he knows
ME: the funny thing is i don't think he knows
ME: and worse Three
ME: i don't think i know what those boundaries are any more?

ME: Me and “HIM” have always been boundary less, and I don't know where to put those lines you know?
Three: yeah,
Three: but have you always had these feeling for him?
ME: and worse again, I don't know if I want to put boundaries out there, because, well, it's like you said I still have feelings for him and I don't want him to ...
ME: he said that that’s what he loved about me, i don't want to loose that
Three: I understand that but
ME: I've always kinda liked him
Three: you can’t allow him to one day want to hook up
ME: but no, I only started loving him since summer
Three: and the next tell you he's going on a date
Three: but if boundaries are what you don’t want
Three: I’m thinking one sec
Three: :-)
Three: so keep it bounderiless
Three: but let him know that you have feelings for him and you don’t want to feel like he is
ME: keep thinking--lol
ME: which is what? I’m confused
Three: taking advantage of that fact
ME: oh
Three: do you understand what it is I’m getting at?
ME: yeah
ME: kinda

Three: just b/c you are good friends
Three: does not mean that he can play with your emotions
ME: except, i don't think even I or he knows when he's taking advantage of me as a good friend vs he takes advantage of me as this girl that likes him
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: ah
Three: well what is it that you think will resolve this?
ME: what?
ME: him falling madly in love with me
ME: all over again
Three: im sure he know what he is doing
ME: loll
Three: :-)
ME: is that a bit much to ask for?
Three: and honestly girl hes a guy
Three: no
Three: it's not
Three: but
Three: :-)
Three: do you think that's going to happen?
Three: relisticaly
Three: if yes
Three: than thats good
Three: i hope he does fall madlly in love with you
Three: but if not, you two are still best friends
Three: and im sure you dont want to lose that at all
Three: you there?
Three: oh, i was saying he's a guy
ME: yes
ME: yeah
Three: all of them are ass holes
ME: and---pleaase continue!
ME: lol
ME: well that was blunt
Three: :-)
Three: after the crap that we both have put up with from guys that's the only way to do things with them
ME: hold on
Three: :-)
Three: k
ME: okay sorry continue
Three: oh look
Three: i just got your text message
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: so, what do you plan on doing
ME: see
ME: hold on let me read your last part one more time
Three: fyi except my grandpa, he's not an ass hole :-)
ME: hmmm....lol
ME: i'm still confused, kinda...my turn to talk for a sec
ME: k--*sigh
Three: yes please do
Three: cuz im confused as well
Three: lol
ME: he is my best friend, and to be honest it sucks being mad at him,if i could not be confused about what i felt for him maybe this would be easier, the fact of the matter is I want everything to be the same and yet I want things to change...i want him to trust me with everything yet now that yes we have hooked up--i don't want to hear all the "horney little details" --but then again, he NEVER told me all those details, actually the only thing we've ever done is bitch about the opposite sex, me to him him to me,----
ME: so--
ME: i want him to ofcourse tell me everything, but then again he never did tell me everything, basically i want out summer back, i want it to be like, yeah, you're going here and partying and yeah i'm going there partying and you're with blah and I'm with blah, and thats cool because blah will never mean as much to me as you do?
ME: does that make sense?
Three: yes, very much
ME: and i don't know if thats necessarily boundary-less ness or what but i know thats what i could live with if “HIM” doesn't happen to fall in love with me, 
ME: get me?
Three: but you have to deside what it is that you want, and yes i get you girl
Three: i now you want him
Three: as a bf
Three: boyfriend, bestfriend
ME: right
ME: exactly
Three: but things happened
ME: i want both, i really do
Three: i know girl
ME: but i don't know why that has to make things so jacked up!!!!
ME: grrrr
Three: well if you want things to be like they used to be
Three: then let him tell you who hes been with
Three: and know that you mean more to him than she did
Three: be secure with your friendship with him
Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
Three: and, hopefully you will get what you want, which is him
Three: otherwise
ME: but after that email girl, do you know how hard it is to trust him with that? Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
ME: otherwise???
Three: you are going to be miserable no matter what
Three: after the last email?
Three: when he apologized?
Three: cuz in that one he said that he said he could call you when he does not want to talk to his brothers
Three: maybe you are not the only one he talks to, but he knows that he cancall you
Three: one to many he saids :-)
ME: lol
ME: i was talking about the email where he said he's not going to talk to me first, that he's going to talk to his brothers first, and that I'm going to be gone...PLUS, he said, (lol) that he's going to put our friendship on the side while he lives his "adventurous side" ----.it makes it really hard to believe that I am that someone specail in his life anymore, or that he would ever want me to be,
ME: make sense?
Three: yes, very much so
Three: but you also have to pay attention to the last email that he sent you
ME: *sigh, I'm all sad huh?
Three: :-)
ME: yeah---i'm trying to but really how much is it worth? i mean is it what i want to hear, i don't even know anymore
Three: :-\
Three: well girl, like i said
ME: the sad thing is, I should know this boy, but after that first email, i mean really my faith in him got shaken so bad
ME: it's like my foundations of all that was true just crumbled
Three: ok scratch that forgot what i said
ME: lol
ME: do you see where i am though?
Three: i totaly understand
ME: thanks
Three: you feel like
ME: lol; i'm glad somebody does
Three: you love him
Three: and all of you wants to love him
Three: and you see NO way of letting that go
Three: but at the same time
Three: you know that he is playing with you emotionaly
Three: or that
Three: he wants to love you back
Three: but
Three: he cant
Three: or wont
Three: for reasons that are beyond you
Three: ?
Three: but you still want to try
Three: b/c you see that tiny little speck of hope
Three: which keeps your love for him alive
Three: no matter how tiny it may be
Three: and even if you dont work out, which would crush you,
Three: you are still going to be his friend
Three: b/c you dont want to lose that,
Three: ?
ME: yeah....wow
Three: yeah
ME: i'm all stupid and wanting to cry now
Three: i just basicly told you how i feel about  @@@
ME: yeah, i kinda figured
Three: dont feel stupid about it
ME: but yeah. . . wow
ME: i guess not right, lol---
Three: i know how you feel
Three: :-)
ME: we're two very smart intelligent woman--
ME: fast but slow
Three: LOL
ME: LOL<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>
Three: that was great
ME: well you have to go soon right?
ME: it was
ME: i feel all close to you now
Three: yeah
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: good, that makes me very happy
ME: mind if i throw some of this in the journal--all names changed of course?"

cubicle-ness

so robbing the cradle? hmmm, dunno, every girl i talk to says just go for it,
i think women think men are objects just for our emotional consumption.
something to be used up and burnt out on....
kinda like the cigarettes i've been putting out three fourths done, *sigh
he's only 18 and thats a lot to put on a guy  
but maybe thats what i need
a slightly older and more "legal" version of my 14 year old crush--
lol, i guess being with someone younger has always been a bonus to me, because it's like, i don't have to remember how complicated "grown up life' really is.
lol--i heard he got caught by his mom for smoking cigarettes, how cute!!!
ne-ways we exchange numbers tomorrow, lol, i guess like always I'll let myself see where that goes.
J's calling and consoling me tonight, and DZ will be spending the night to accompany me at the god forsaken hours i work. lol

oh, i'm so tired. smoking is going to kill me! Literally, must stop.
both me and the 18 year old will stop, lol  
fuuny, i'm already making plans for the boy, lol, i told him how to change his tmobile bill too, so i could talk to him for free, lol, I AM AWFUL
NE-ways, the C thing hurts more than ever, ....more in a later episode, it bugs to much to go there now, but a summary will occur.
love you who love me, thats the only way it can be.
muah

Time waits for no one---yeah....wow....
Marine to meet on Thursday. Dinner
must stop drinking---Tonightt, blue hurricane, sangria, um, a beer. two cigarettes

quick rebuttle

okay. men are just the weirdest.
for one, do I walk around with a sign that says quick rebound?
because really, lol. I'm just at this point to where one boys making me cry while another is trying to get my number., it's the weirdest thing. Do I  put out that vibe, like, hey come rescue me? I dunno.
Ne-ways, he thinks I'm out of his league, lol, for once he might be right.
hmmmmm.....party this weekend, oh yes, what oh what to wear.
"Costumes- Highly Encouraged"

seriously, are all men the same?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so done.
I am so done with putting myself on the line and just freakin' making everyone happy.
I'm going to law school, moving far far away from this miserable little town and just GRRRRR!
I can't believe I freak'n came back here thinking I had a man in my life that finally was in the same place as me.
Oh my fucking, GRRRRRRRR
Per the therapy:
Bad behavious to watch:
Seriously, the scratching has begun. I made my arm bleed while giving advice to a sister. Wouldn't have noticed but like i said, i scratched til i bled . EWE...gross, everyone who reads this must be freaking.....calm down people, it's like bitting your nails til you've got no more to bite, it's just a nervous habbit. me---i scratch unconsiously in one area without noticing, the next thing i know i've rubbed my skin raw. it's a bad thing we're monitoring now. it's really sad too, because now i have all these stupid scabs on my forearm and knuckles. very weird.
Anyways: told my roommate to hide bottles. Really wanted to drink this afternoon, told her to just hide everything. Sad but what does doctor phil say? Fail safe enviornment.
Food: I ate a grilled chicken sandwhich from sonic, tator tots and a chery limeaid, ummm, yeah thats it. I know i need to eat but on the plus side, i've lost twenty pounds lol. yeah--not healthy
Boys, okay this is bad, almost pulled out my cell phone today in anger and was just going to call boys til i got one to come over, isn't that awfl--whats worse, is i know my ability to do so, and well, yeah, it's bad
but--didn't called J-low, then called mom, went to class desite not wanting to,
then didn't answer his text, his calls, or his emails.
I have too much to deal with to have the boy I love jack with my head too.
NO OVER.
I have learned SO MUCH FROM MR. SOMEONE
Hint to life again: when you want someone out of your life, you really can fucking make them feel it i guess.
UGHHHH! I hate that.
He's supposed to be the one I trust, the guy I can always depend on,
Most famous words, this evening as I recount to J-low my misery;
in short five minute version
"I'm so pissed. So very fucking pissed. I'm leaving, I'm leaving this damn state. I don't know why I came. Well I do, and that reasons gone now, and yeah, fuck it. I hate this, and the worst thing is, the worst thing is, I'd expect that from [insert boy name here] but to here that from [Insert name of boy we are so pissed at but unfortunately love here]--that just---i'm not mad, i'm more....hurt. I hurt that he doesn't even know me. and HE, he of all people should. I'm at class, I'm going now..."
yeah that tripped J-low out. So much to the fact that she probably called him or something. lol. i don't know. not answering voicemail. you know what--if YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, YOU'D prob know why i won't turn off my phone, but YOU DON:T KNOW, YOu don't care, and you're not reading this, so I'm screaming at no one, just to get it out.....* and UGGGGGHHHHH
I'd not go to work tommorow if I thought I could get away with it, but i can't and yeah, I have a fucking paper due tommorow, and I'm sure HE DIDN"T KNOW THAT, because you never fucking care enough to freaking ask, but Yes I know you have your test, so yeah, good luck with that. UGHHHH. J-lo's right, they always figure it out a second too late, and then what. nothing.
uh---me alone, with a book---no i'm not answering! I see you on my phone and you're making me cry and I felt so miserable I wanted to go back to my ex, and that the total wrong reason, and very unhealthy and  GRRRR!!!!
You want me gone, i'm gone.
i love you but i need to love me. ugh.

"I need a simple---kinda man!!!!"---she screams as we turn the corner

As I pop in the latest and greatest compilation of C's mixology and CD producing skilz, I begin to ponder....

Things are so weird. I don't even call C anymore to talk. It's sad. My thereapist has said I am allowed ten minute conversations with him, and that it's okay, because e's my best friend and i shouldn't be forced to go cold turkey.

Therapy. For those of you living under or rock, or have noticed me living under mine (yes, the nice invisible purple one---ooops, shhhh, i didn't say that out loud, did I? LOL--private joke I'm sure a select few undstand). Hmmmm.....
awww yes, therapy.
As I said to the lady who sat across from me for two hours solid, I'm not above help.
I do think I'm a goddess, I do think I'm a victim. I think life has really decided to jack with my head in the past few months, and well, before I completely loose it I should probably seek at least one session of professional guidance.

The ex has scared me. he has become more unstable then even and like a sweater unraveling , i too am becoming to unravel.
I think people feel that they are not closely interwoven but they are.
As I begun to express my whole drawn out sordid relationship with my ex, my best friend both C and J-low, distinct romance and crash and burn attempts of the like, which can only be accounted for as "seasonal insanity" as I look back--welll----*sigh
--As i explained to her the whole sordid affair I couldn't believe the emotional garbage both held within, and pressed upon me.
I mean yes, some drama I fully admit I completely brought upon myself--hence "seasonal insanity"--as always looking back I have no regrets, I undstand my rationalizations, and still hod true to the feeling I did and do posess about that whole bizarre "whatever"
*puzzled sigh
Well, whatever.
The thing is though, some things I don't bring upon myself.
Let's take these past two weeks, and my final breaking points which have now earned me the loveable nickname of "spaz" from C.
(C--who is partially responsible, shall we ever get to "that" later)
But----the now and later:
The now is that I am in therapy. Directly I shall say because of my inability to allow things to just "go" or maybe to "just let go"
But let us delve deeper.
I did not asked to be called on friday with accusations of taking peoples "happiness" or "reasons of being"
I mean I've always been conceited but I've never thought myself so self important to control another persons thoughts or actions, I mean c'mon.
Well, sure enough this blatant denial of responsibility to my cntrol on at least the influence of others feelings, may have been teh exact same reason, some one else is gaining control over me.  (oh quick aside, no "someone", just some one, the ex, to be exact)
Yes, well, the ex now has entered my life, and I don't even know if he knows he has.
But heres the severity of the situation. I think he's unstable yet I'm in therapy.
I have been sent home from work for "low performance" and to "recouparate"
--Do you know how pathetic I feel?
To be sent home for feeling responsible for someone else's flip out????
UGHHHHH!!!! Agravating to say the least.
But there it is. Plain as day I am the one crying at intersections, wondering if I'll attend the last remembrances of a man I once loved, all while feeling guilty as hell, and not having one ounce of remorse all tied into one.

Is this clear? perhaps not. perhaps it shouldn't be.
Atop, all random past lives coming to haunt me, the following has interjected itself upon my life: Area responsibilities to my beloved organization have me spending enormous ammount of money I do not posess. Traveling to schools and setting up meetings with  Coordinators I do not know, Most importantly giving myself  a burden that I really don't have to take on, but ah the crazy things we do in the name of love--this time love of an organization
Meanwhile,
(this is wheere I wish people would hear the announcer from the old Batman series---Meanwhile---)
Yes Holy Blunt Smokers Bat-fuck, hehehe wow, tht one was too close to real, yes well.
Smoking, hmm, bad habbit I almost started. Almost, as if Lighting a cigarette sticking it in your mouth and puffing it till it's gone doesn't constitute a relapse? hmmm
smoking is nothing compared to the drinking.
Aw, AA here I come. I am a trouble child, and all my friends remedy me with mind altering substances.
It's quite odd really. I don't think I have a drinking problem. yet let me consider the past few nights?
This morning--(yes I know, not last night, but hair of the dog???)
Last night--one shot, one mixed drink; Rationalization: 21 year old birthday celebration.
Oh wait: I also had a drink before the game: OJ and Captain: rationalization: pre-game drink
K-night  before:  half a bottle of wine: not my fault: I was all dressed up to go to the homecoming dance, didn't go, because I'm responsible, ended up staying at home all dressed up with no where to go, C took pitty on me and brought wine and a movie over. in the words of C "God I love wine"
well before C came over, I had started that night too: why? because I was freaking loosing it! I had just missed the homecoming game because I was being a responsible Supervisor and doing an emergency meeting. I thought I had earned a drink.
Okay: night before: hmmm. This is looking bad.
Okay night before: Drinks with the girls: I wanted dish on the "house" and with the "ex" what better way to do it than over margarittas at chillis? okay so 5 of those? but really it's one presidente right????
alright night before: *sigh, this isn't what it appears, really* Marine wanted to go out, we exchanged: "whose life is worse" stories: I won. Of course. two mixed drinks for me two beers for him,
Night before????um....no, see no drinking on a monday night? um.....hmmmm....sad thing is I don't remember monday. I just remember crying. lots of crying on monday, wanting to smoke on monday. didn't but wanted to. no by monday i was smoking. i don't think i drank??? worse thing is I don't remember
Sunday, didn't drink but wanted to,
Saturday, don't remember
Friday: double tequilla shots.

thats it thats all i can honestly remember.
well, yeah, thats pathetic. And if anyone wants to judge, go ahead, but seriously deal with the week I had and  then judge, I guarentee, you would have been drinkng too.
one of those nights I didn't drink, C kept me content, I remember that....weird convos me and C have been having lately, very truthful, very real, we're all growing up so very fast.
speaking of growing up. I need to. LOL. so does my taste in boys. Yes new boy. what else is new--well this boy i guess, brand new, a whole maybe twelve hours old, and perhaps looks about twelve years old,
no i lie :)
but he does look only 21, if that,
i think I'm ridiculous. Boy gives me a hug at work, and all of a sudden it's enough to catch my eye. I mean, hmmm. Okay hmmm stop.
yeah. hmmm friday night, C ditches me and tequilla ness for his bro's ---yeah, k. we ended up talking till 1 as usual.
OH YEAH, that was my saturday!!! I played pissed off wifey at his parents. lol, yeah, pretty funny when the sis tell you to "stop fighting like an old married couple" --*lol, I laugh beccause I know it's hilarious. aw yes, that was a real night,
C blew me off last night too, got drunk off his ass and I assumed flirted with every girl that qould let him. hmmm. does it disturb me?
yes and no,
yes because he's a dork,
and 2 because he's well, in C's words "were gonna play a game, and it's called I win"
-----
blah, do you love how this is just a random string of incohesive, but very eloquent verbal garbage that explains nothing?
________hahah
story of my life: elaboration without purpose.
shall we update boy-ness:
only love one boy as always, he knows it, he's confortable with it, "Great"
Laundry boy, i think he's given up:
Marine: um: yeah unresolved issues with the ex still
grrr, ex, need to stay away, grrr, might hurt him
other, um ex?--ewe--yeah, have no idea, saw that through tear-shot eyes, can't imagine the spaz he thought he knew---but then again, he knew a very uncomplicated version of me---I like that, i want that again--no responsibilites, no cares, no worries, etc etc---maybe thats why i got attatched?  still a bafflement sometimes
salsa boy, haven't tried to call him since last friday when he blew me off, grrr, should call him, all others, well obviously not important enought to mention right?
no i lie- poor playa playa, his yanks lost :(
all others i just a dillusional if i think i talk or tink of them more than 5 minutes in a day?
but seriously, huh?
----
boy at work--young, prob. underage. bad. prob smokes more than cigarettes, cute baby face, def, not my type. hmmm
must stop.
must learn to be alone.
this is why i need a therapist. no external validation from boys!!!!!
_________oh
important stufff:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOUR AND FIVE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AOS
HAPPR BIRTHDAY "--NESS
______yeah
CONGRASTS TO HER ROYAL CUTENESS, NOW BACK ON BAND< DESPITE A JACKED ENGLISH TEACHER
OH AND I LOVE YOU TO MY 14 year old CRUSH! THANK YOU FOR THE VOICEMAIL, HEE HEE
HMMMM---okay loserness, is me, I nmeed to do homework, yeah, homework.
and you know what??? some people need to either get AIM or start getting on it, me being alone out here in the internet world pisses me off and makes me want to look up chatrooms to find friends-just so i don't have to talk on the phone.
hmmmm---did i eat today?
damn, I ate one pizza, 2 beers, a rice crispy treat, a bag of cookies, and a coffee this morning, ---yeah, and i wonder why I'm looking and staying sick! grrr
what else was i supposed to watch/ do?
journal-K. Watch alcohol consumption--k. watch dependency on boys--k, stay away from ex--uh huh. What else? homework? yeah i should do that huh. hmmm. boring. --yeah need to get tips on how to motivate myself to get back to school. hmmm
grrr.
okay, J-if ya wanna through some luv my way, and a status update, it would be much appreciated, (you know since this was just so short)

Email from a sister

My Sister

 Author Unknown

 

Every experience

Be it good or bad

Teaches us a lesson

Or at least it should

 

Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong

Learn from your mistakes

Keep the faith

Press forward, sister

Move on

 

Dry your tears

Wipe your eyes

Find the strength

Look inside

Don’t call him

Don’t see him

Don’t play one sad song

Block his cell

Delete his email

Look ahead ,my sister

Just move on

 

Love yourself

Take care of yourself

And if the need arises

Sister , please yourself

 

Do a check up

From the neck up

Say a prayer

Sista, hold your head up

 

Cause one day you’ll have all the joy your heart can hold

And then you’ll be glad you pressed forward

                                      And so thankful you moved on

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)



Whoa, Virgo, don't be so tough on yourself now. Sure, you may have some regrets about the what you've done in the past, but beating yourself up about that isn't going to help. Learn, forgive, and let yourself make a new start with romance now.

sitting in the car

Life is a game of patterns and chance, and those who play well will win.....

Boy 1. California boy: long gone and mocing on
Boy 2.  The ex fiance: yeah, seperation anxiety but over
Boy 3: Mr. Someone: is somewhere: probably with someone else, to be honest, dunno
Boy 4: Laundrymat boy: yeah, ignoring his calls, I know I know! mean, but what can i do? he's 38. give me a break.
Boy 5:  Playa playa, hell I don't even know where he's been the past month, hmmm...should call him.
Boy 6: Salsa/Tech boy. Didn't return my calls last night. :( that makes me grumpy
Boy 7: my marine, omg, he's so into his ex, but we really need to stop getting wasted and talking about sleeping with one another
Boy 8: Last not least: yeah,, cards not only were layed on the table-- they were thrown on the table. first fight in a long time since he found out about  Boy 3, and this time was equally not as pretty.  seriously: one day, I will lose my jealous streak, and stop falling for boys who expect me to wait around till they figure it out.

There, look, all on the table, yet again, hmmmm....i wonder who gives a rat's ass. LOL. I swear, I never hide anything.
"That's too easy, I have no secrets"

Moving, moving, phoenix plans as well. gonna spend 240 on plane travel for a little piece of wood. jeeze.

*sigh,
feeling a little peturbed at the waiting for people to figure out I'm a pretty freak'n amazing person--game.

and I hate always always knowing about other girls that will be gone in three weeks time. so so annoying. really, maybe ignorance is bliss.

8sigh, well at least I know where all the cards have fallen. oh welll....
i shall continue to play my hand at the tired game of life, love, and lust.

TM's from work

okay. today is a bad day. given. okay. its just work. i know. boys are weirdly the best thing going for me. weird. have no time. losing friends by the day.
Making new ones, i guess?

don't do it....

K- quickie, before I go to hipity-hop:
Marine last night-- good times, great memories.
I should go off---- the convo, the looks, the way things just flowed in a haze of smoke.....
*Happy Sigh,
 But tell me little universe, why is the highlight of my evening getting my voicemail in the bathroom of a bar, from a guy that I'm not with!!! LOL
I'll tell you--as usual, I'm being stupid.
If I'm not careful, I'm gonna blow it--again.
LOL, he makes me so happy! it's pathetic. He's been there the whole damn time, and i'm barely figuring this out!!! lol. Me and my timing issues. oh well, it's aight.
Winters coming and as usual the draw to be with someone is trying to impede on my newly found "Single-hood?"
lol, you know it's great when you have a guy for every day of the week, but only one has your heart, and he knows it. 
Awww--shamelessness, and yet, no shame at all....
haha, i should invite a girl over. At least it keeps me from calling boys. Well, shhhhhh....let's listen to the rain and see who comes over shall we?

more purpleness

Hello Little Universe! It's morning!
you know what I want?
"HANG OUT MAKE OUT HANG-OVER BREAKFAST"
Heres what today looks like :)

Daily Overview for October 09, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
You and you-know-who are like complementary colors. You make each other brighter.

Overview:
Events from the past few days are now building toward a rather grand finale. It's definitely not going to be a boring time. Prepare yourself for some fireworks. Keep an extinguisher handy.

aw yes, aint that fresh? NOW WHO IS YOU KNOW WHO? Because I don't know? I know who i'd like it to be though??? (bad manda! no getting hopeful--are we done?---mmmm---yeah, k)

So just for the hell of it: Here's my virgo's:
OMG! Tech boy is a VIRGO too!!!!

  Saturday, October 9, 2004  
what is it with me and virgos?
well here's virgos:
Daily Overview for October 09, 2004
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:
True: You can't see the other side of the ocean. But that doesn't mean it isn't there.

Overview:
Chances are extremely good that a secret is about to be revealed. If it's you who's about to spill the beans, be sure you inform all parties concerned -- and the bigger the secret, the more quickly you should do it.
awww...sad... don't like virgo's horoscope :(
welll maybe a virgo is about to tell me his big secret is he's madly in love with me? HAHA
RIGHT! Because that would happen with any of them!
well yahoo guru isn't earning any points with me today.
i want breakfast! who should i call? hmmmm.....cartoons? cartoons, randomness, cartoons, randomness
(are you visualizing the weighing of possibilities with arm gestures?)
lets see, who's online?
grrr.....no one good :(
cartoons it is--oh theres' the roomie---
looks like garage sales, okay--whatever

gotta love kerry

Kay--
so, wide awake at 2:43 am. the roomie is watching the debate, and yup, i'm swayed each day by kerry. For once not for the total incompetance of his opponent, but  his actual stance on issues. i'm pretty impressed, and thats rare. but the proof is in the puddin'.

So "the date". Was short. nice, expensive, got V's approval. it is verified. laundry boy is cute. I'm slightly annoyed in the fact that boys think they're "entitled" to kiss you because they take you out., I mean c'mon. WEll, whatever. But it was cool. he wants to see me again, and i told him straight out--"I'm not trying to get into anything serious."

Grrrr--hmmm, so I missed 9 calls, 4 messages, while i was on the so-called "date."
LOL,I so got in trouble, lol. Everyone had no idea where I was. it was funny. rude i guess but funny. lol, well, sorry ladies. my bad.

so got back home from 'the date"--then called another boy. convinced him to drive an hour and a half to come see me, lol, and he did. :)
wen't to a party, had a chill, good time.
it was nice. we'll see if he calls? do i want him to call? *happy sigh
I don't know? hee hee, as my co-worker said to me today
"I wish I had your problems"
yup, these are the problems I love.
can't do breakfast with tech boy, because already have plans with Marine, not getting attatched to marine because theres a thread of hope with someone else. lol.
but not stopping this time to check the score, good advice given to me by someone ;)
*happy sigh, for once not worried about getting caught, but not doing anything shady either I guess. *shrug, not that I ever thought anything i did was shady. just personal I guess, hmmm.
ne-ways, good times, getting sleepy.
*happy sigh. thank you universe.
me happy. lol, if i can just stay unattatched we'll be doing good.
*yawn. good night/ morning/ me. :)

gotta love kerry

Kay--
so, wide awake at 2:43 am. the roomie is watching the debate, and yup, i'm swayed each day by kerry. For once not for the total incompetance of his opponent, but  his actual stance on issues. i'm pretty impressed, and thats rare. but the proof is in the puddin'.

So "the date". Was short. nice, expensive, got V's approval. it is verified. laundry boy is cute. I'm slightly annoyed in the fact that boys think they're "entitled" to kiss you because they take you out., I mean c'mon. WEll, whatever. But it was cool. he wants to see me again, and i told him straight out--"I'm not trying to get into anything serious."

Grrrr--hmmm, so I missed 9 calls, 4 messages, while i was on the so-called "date."
LOL,I so got in trouble, lol. Everyone had no idea where I was. it was funny. rude i guess but funny. lol, well, sorry ladies. my bad.

so got back home from 'the date"--then called another boy. convinced him to drive an hour and a half to come see me, lol, and he did. :)
wen't to a party, had a chill, good time.
it was nice. we'll see if he calls? do i want him to call? *happy sigh
I don't know? hee hee, as my co-worker said to me today
"I wish I had your problems"
yup, these are the problems I love.
can't do breakfast with tech boy, because already have plans with Marine, not getting attatched to marine because theres a thread of hope with someone else. lol.
but not stopping this time to check the score, good advice given to me by someone ;)
*happy sigh, for once not worried about getting caught, but not doing anything shady either I guess. *shrug, not that I ever thought anything i did was shady. just personal I guess, hmmm.
ne-ways, good times, getting sleepy.
*happy sigh. thank you universe.
me happy. lol, if i can just stay unattatched we'll be doing good.
*yawn. good night/ morning/ me. :)

ahhhh!!!!
OMG! SO YES MY MARINE IS IN TOWN! yAY!!!
 i SHOULD GET A GRIP BECAUSE IF HE READS THIS HE'S GOING TO THINK I'M AN IDIOT, BUT OH WELL, KINDA AM.
hAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT WILL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, LOL. EXCEPT, I'M CUTER AND HE'S A MARINE, AND YEAH, OKAY---ahh!!!! I AM SUCH A GIRL RIGHT NOW.
sTARBUCKS ADVENTURES, MONTGOMERY NIGHTS,  RANDOM FLIRTATION THAT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE, LOL. IT'LL BE HOT.
*SIGH. OKAY, CALMING DOWN.
I SO HAVE THIS STUPID DATE THING I HAVE TO GET READY FOR, AND THEN THERES A PAJAMA PARTY! yAY PJ-NESS. i WONDER WHICH OF MY GIRLS WILL BE IN ATTENDANCE? PLOTTING TO TAKE A BOY THERE. AND NO NOT THE BOY I'M ON THE DATE WITH. i'LL BE FORCING MYSELF TO DRINK WITH HIM, AT THIS RATE.
i WONDER WHY i AM SO ADVERSE TO DOING THIS THING TONIGHT? HMMMM. i DON'T KNOW, HE IS CUTE?
mY MARINE SAID HE'D SO "PLAY PRETEND WITH ME" AND BE MY BOYFRIEND. hEEHEE
*aMANDA PEREZ LYRICS JUMP TO MY HEAD---" wOULD YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND---FOR THE NIGHT?"
WOW, I USED TO SAY I'D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE THIS BOY WITH ME FOR A NIGHT! AND NOW I HAVE HIM FOR LIKE WOW, MAYBE A MONTH!
DAMN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
--WELL, WERE NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE OR GET ATTATCHED, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE STUPID LIKE THAT, BUT WOW, I'M SINGLE AND MARINE BOY IS REALLY HERE.
AND YEAH, OMG!!!! I'M SO NOT OVER MY BOY BEING HOME!!!!
*SIGH, i THINK HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND MIGHT WANT TO KICK MY ASS THOUGH? HMMM....RANDOMNESS WITH THE BLONDES NOT LIKING ME. HMMM. ALWAYS OVER BOYS TOO. HMMM.
OKAY CALMING DOWN. wHEW---
GOT TO SHOWER AND GET READY!
HEY LOSERS OUT THERE READING THIS! YES, YOU! (NO JUST KIDDING, i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!) sOMEONE WRITE SO I KNOW i'M LOVED, HUH? i NEVER SEE ANYONE ONLINE, OR AT SCHOOL, OR ANYTHING, JUST WHEN I'M AT HOME, AKA, THE lAMBDAHOTEL--NOW SERVING CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST :) K---LOVE YA'S, Y BESITOS PARA UNO,
WOW--JUST A SIDE BAR? WHERE OH WHERE DID I PUT MY HEART? HMMMM....DID YOU EVER STOP TO REMEMBER SOMETHING, AND THEN JUST FORGET?
PSSSST. JAKE GETS A KISS FROM ME, I MISS HIM.

She comes and goes...

"There may be something in what you say, Rabbit," he said at last.  " I have been neglecting you.  I must move about more.  I must come and go." 
"That's right, Eeyore.  Drop in on any of us at any time, when you feel like it." 
"Thank you, Rabbit.  And if anyone says in a Loud Voice 'Bother, it's Eeyore,' I can drop out again."

LOL--
_____________

Hello little blog universe of mine. I'm really wondering what my readership looks like lately? Haven't talked to anyone or done anything. I have 194 email, and a big 'ol national meeting on Sunday with paperwork i need to finish to night. (yes, this is why I am procrastinating and writing in the journal.)
I have a date with Laundrymat boy manana, yeah, o-kay. I guess he's not a "boy" per se, being 38 and all. oh well.
went out with the girls last night, margarittaville came early for me, and I was in a rather "good" mood. hee hee
Met a guy named James, or Jake, or Jason, or something??? He was a'ight. nice game, definately brought the ego up to cocky and a half by the time I left the club.
Gotta admit the universe is being pretty good to me, and I thank you universe for that, so if we can keep this cool non-flow of expectations, with pleasant surprises going, I would certainly appreciate it.
lol.
I'm kicking ass at work, but am getting sick :(
Yeah, all DZ's Fault!!!!! Grrrrr....JK.
What else? hmmm...I don't know? I'm totally in this good place right now...
I've got boys calling me, which is nice.
LOL--I really want to go off right now on the goodness of coming home at 4 in the morning right now, lol,  But suffice it to say, good times.....
The Streets known as a "Row" have been kinder to me, and harder on some, and that's a shame. I miss the fun, but none of the drama.  To be honest, I really wonder about some people sometimes. Seems I have an odd schedule to where I see or hear from no one anymore.
Oh well, the life of ---
Anyways, Had a great time last night.
Surprisingly, don't feel like I'm drowning in the shallow pool anymore, and *smile* kinda know I have a friend that can teach me to swim if need be. :)
yeah--*happy sigh* date tommorow, lol, we'll see.
my dad's birthday is today! Yay happy birthday him.
hmmmm....what else,---yeah i'm procrastinating. school, is okay, work is okay, boys are okay, lambda ness--i'm avoiding. what else is in my life? family, yeah, talked to and about them already? J-still misses his girl, J-low--well, lets respect her right now, C-well,lol,  he's happy, i think? um....who else? haven't heard from the ex. mr. someone is living the homelife, which seems cool i guess. who else? my house is still the lambda hotel, lol. but i'm adjusting. dooo-doo-dooo, okay. I should work---booo on work.. I'll write more, when I have a life. bye peeps.

more later

More later but this was just a funny blog note I saw today: I'm obviously not the only one who feels the world is weird at times. lol. so props to John for making me laugh.
http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/100

I have tons to say but not much time to say it. hoping that all the people i ignored yesterday will not be mad and hopefully will call tonight.

do you ever get the feeling--no i was not going to bust out into song--but--do you ever think that you just saw something? but then think it's all in your head? I mean wishful thinking? but then you're like "No! I know what I saw" but then you're like, "Thats just not possible?" anyways, had one of those moments.

Oh, memorable quote of the "whatever" while speaking of moments:
new phrase for having a blonde moment: "I'm having a glitter and clear moment" --tee hee. that one was for you DZ.

hmmmm.....i really want to talk to people right now!!!!! no one that i want to talk to is online right now. grrrrrr. hur-rumph.

well, V killed a happy moment today, the above refrence to wishful thinking: (me thinking I saw something, which I probably didn't so this is all unimportant anyways)--anyways she killed it with a healthy dose of reality. yeah, thats why you love house-mates.---to kill your dreams and to let ya slide on rent....ah yes.(...aint that fresh)---okay j-lows looking at me and should be studying so i'm gonna see what's up now...talk more later.

october is here

Daily Overview for October 04, 2004 Provided by Astrology.com
Quickie:
You sat on the fence until it broke. At least now you know which side you're on.

True, true.

I'm so tired. Hip hop started to suck. to much pressure.
grrr....analogy for my life? maybe.
j-low misses me  
been hanging out with I2 who has now been renamed DZ per her request. A most excellent request as she asserts she has no intentions of remaining an interest for long, i.e. she is determinged to be a sister. which makes me proud. yup yup.

so as i type this a tim mc graw song comes on reminding me of her ambition and some personal feelings.

When I'm here on this highway
Breathing diesel smoke
Driving hard for hours
Trying to make that Memphis show
People always ask me
"Son what does it take
To reach out and touch your dreams?"
To them I always say

Are you hungry?
Are you thirsty?
Is it a fire that burns you up inside?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line

I get to make my living
Doing what I love
Every night I give my heart and soul
Sometimes that ain't enough
But brother, if you're like me
Looking down that road
Be careful of that wild wind, son
Sometimes it don't let go

Can you feel it?
Can you taste it?
Can you hear it knocking at your door?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line

There's always a price you pay no matter what you do
If you're gonna climb that mountain to the top
It always comes down to

How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line

k, speaking of lyrics...
yesterdays lyrics apply to the fact that some boy asked me out yesterday.  doing my laundry all depressed,  sitting minding my own buisness being eyore, and feeling like it's all gonna rain, and per previous journal request the universe providing a new boy to be all nice to me. it was cool. he's 38. yeah....i don't know about that. but he said he wanted to take me out "before I got a boyfriend"--yeah, cute, laughable but cute.
so we'll see, no harm in having dinner right?
yeah, it's weird i get so attatched to my boys and i looked at this guy and I was like "hmm, yeah---no. " but think "what the hell, better than being depressed,, right?"
*sigh
talked to the ex again last night, yeah i think i'm killing that scenario, i don't think theres a way to be friends with that one. sad really.
talked to C last night, in person, on IM and then on the phone, lol,.
yeah, i have detatchment issues. lol

j-low is coming over tonight, a talk needs to happen

my house is the lambda hotel. i always have people over!
well, damn, i  need to shower than sleep. should be like fuck it, but i really feel like fuck me.  anyways,  schools slippiong and i'm not liking it. need to prioritize, really, this work thing is totally messing with my schedule 'o' things.

dZ is yelling, lol, well i thought i was pissed, hmmm....

If you feelin like a pimp nigga, go and brush your shoulders off. Ladies is pimps too, go and brush your shoulders off
Niggaz is crazy baby, don't forget that boy told you. Get, that, dirt off your shoulder
I probably owe it to y'all, proud to be locked by the force
Tryin to hustle some things, that go with the Porsche
Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced
Middle finger to the Lord, nigga grip I'm a boss
Stab the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin
All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin
All the rappers be hatin, off the track that I'm makin
But all the hustlers they love it just to see one of us make it

um...okay....

*sigh, okay world, i don't even know what to say.

work is killing me!!!  lol, not really, it's the easiest job in the world. i just don't like waking up at 8 am.

guys, i'm starting to hate this place. Theres nothing and no one here for me, I think. I love c, and thats great, but he's stupid and well yeah.

then theres Mr. cool calm and collected, and as predicted by my dreams I guess, there was a third girl, eventually everyone would  see as the "winner"???

Do you ever win in these games in love?
I don't think so. I'mn sitting here, all heart broken but not really surprised.
I think people know when other people are through with them, and I think I was done three weeks ago.
Here's an analogy: I think I'm like a carton of milk??? the expiration date was coming up, and eventually it passed, and yup, now everything has just gone bad.
well, not bad, I just feel thrown away. tossed aside and disregarded for tommorows trash.
(reminds me, trash day is tommorow? hmmm...)
I don't even know what to feel. I mean part of me knew it, saw it coming, and to be honest I'm not even sad. I mean you can't be sad over something that was truly never formed right?
I can't be mad that someone doesn't love me back? I mean, c'mon, did I ever expect it to work???

maybe I didn't, but yeah, i did hope for something, I don't know why. *sigh. I do feel hurt. I know that. it hurts when the guy you love is able to just disregard you after a week and be like, oh yeah, I'm dating someone new.
How do you respond to something like that?:
"Oh someone else? Cool."
"Hmmm....someone new, great,---good job?"

I don't even know. --Thats the truth of it, I just don't even know how to feel anymore. I have this feeling like I want to mix between a laugh and a cry.
I really think that is my way of coping.
Laugh till you cry, cry till you sleep?
But I'm not sleepy. *sigh
People--he found someone new!
I'm not really talking to anyone, just the voices in my head. I think if I tell myself over and over again, it might sink in.
---
you know what hurts the most? let me tell you, (my journal, I can do that)
amoungst my list this is whats hurts:
1. the fact that he said he cared and then in less than  24 hours he was with someone new.
2. the fact that he was able to leave his girlfriend for this new girl, which makes me think I really must have screwed up
3. I hate the fact that I have this complex like I'm not good enough!?!?!?
--Sidebar: do you know what J-low has made me recite as a mantra to get through this? (Again let me tell you-- my journal, my perogitive.)
the mantra is as follows:
"I am a strong, beautiful, and independent woman. Though it may be hard--and it may take all my strength--I will get through this-- and I deserve better."
Yeah, O-kay!
*sigh! I hate this! Seriously, how come your heart can't listen to 1. the boy saying, "Im dating someone new" 2. Your brain saying, you will not die. this is okay?
and 3. everyone that Does know, saying "Let go already" it's driving us nuts!!!

Grrrr...wow, I hate this like 5 people know that My life is upside down over this stupid heart hic-cup, and sadly, this guy is dating someone else!!! I mean c'mon, Why can't I get this!
I guess my other personality's response would be: 1. he's dated someone before, and that never stopped you. 2. the body says, hmmm I vaguely remember that, and Mr. someone was good times, you should defn. not let someone like him go, and the hearts saying hmmm, yes brain you're stupid, I'm breaking so, shut up and let me love him. 3. everyone is really only no one, because they all think i've moved on, to what or whom I don't know because as far as I can tell they all think I'm happy working.
*sigh yeah, okay. trying to calm down.

talked to the "other ex" today, you remember the "real ex" the one whom I was engaged to, did love me, made a big mistake, and as I still recall tried to run me and J-low over, yeah that one. yeah, talked to him today. randomness. Weird talking to him. feel like telling him, yeah so you moved on huh? yeah, me too, and now I'm miserable, so rejoice!
lol. you know me and j-low have talked recently about the reprucussions of my summer, what it would mean, what it would do, if anyone, who really gave a damn might ever find out. we predicted death (again another dream, in which someone is thrown off a roof)--ww3, to where allies and enemies of bloodslaughter would be picked and, a possible burning at the stake or stoning. ---yeah, all pleasant things to be reminded of everytime I feel like "sharing"
---never gonna happen. I should just move away now. change my name, my number, move to Novascotia and forget the life I had. (lol)
wow, i really do love this guy. I really do and it absolutely sucks, I almost cried, but I'm not. Like a moron, I'm rationalizing this in my head about how "I have no right to be upset" and "It's okay" and "one day..." wishful thinking. *ugh! disgusting.
I make myself want to throw up.
This is what Alcibides meant in the symposium about erotic love, this right here!!!!
this disgusting, hold people undeserving onto a pedastal, hold yourself below the earth, and pray that just a glance will be given to you and all will be well.
Errrr.....well , when I'm done being an idiot world, I'll let you know.
Until then I guess the lights still on, the doors still unlocked, and my phone is always on.
Maybe the universe will be nice and give me newness to love? okay--here comes my "grape side" (lol) i don't want anything new, I just want things back to better? *yeah, k, shutting up now.

friends don't let you drink (alone)

SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT YOU
-Avion

Sitting here counting the hours
Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
They remind me of you and me

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you

Making plans just to stop the aching
Chasing thoughts from a million miles away
Hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
I rehearse the words I want to say

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For when five and six are through
It's seven days without you

And I will find a way until you're home
To let the giant sleep this fire we know is

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you

Seven days without you
Seven days without you
Seven days without you