-compelling story. But that's yet still another part of my life, and all of my baby sisters... Good, sad stuff.
Here's the Wednesday Horoscope.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Share. No matter how good you are at showing your positive side, you still may feel as if there are some things you should keep to yourself. Nevertheless, it isn't likely that you're shy about revealing what you want others to know. Your boundaries are being redefined now and you may be pushing for more resolution than is possible. It's smart to know where to stop, before you find yourself out on thin ice. However, if you stay conscious of what's going on, you won't slip and say too much.
ABOUT DCGossipGirl
Followers
Caution: It's about to get deeper than ever...
Dear Universe,
It's 12:40am. I'll be up in five hours, but I can't sleep. The "everything" I want to write keeps swirling in my head...but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be on the page. As I'm sure I'll twist and turn in bed till its out, I want to push myself....because tonight, I want to go back to bed.
THUS....WARNING: ------------------------------
Consider this the Caution Lights. Those of the faint of heart should turn around now. This isn't going to be another failed love story, a corky insight on life, or my latest review on a musical lyric. On second thought, there will be lyrics: perhaps this one fits the moment best:
"You caught me at the most pivotal moments" ...
"Let's face it, it's a sad situation when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations
But I don't have the patience, I get straight to the point
So this is me at my most honest
No egos, no Gym Class status, just Travis
Love it or leave it, but you gotta admit
On a scale of 1 to awesome I'm the shit
Just get over it, it happened god damnit, I'd been waiting too long
I even wrote a song about, like to hear it, here it go..."
-----------------
With that said: You've been warned.
I came to a realization. An epiphany. But, let's work up to it...in small doses.
--I've come to realize this blog is read for very few of its "intended recipients."
For instance, if you were to turn to "letter one", and if you had the slightest inclination that I was that transparent, you'd be right...I am. and while these have always been "Letters to No One." I always hoped they reached Someone...or anyone...or an audience. In no particular order.
I wanted to be heard. By the boyfriend or the best friend, the lover, or the scandal of last night.
So here it is, deeper waters....
Once upon a time, before "blogging" and some time before Engagement One ended, and Engagement Two began...I used to write in a journal.
I actually wrote to my unborn baby brother...my mother was pregnant at the time...and I thought, maybe if I could write it all down, this brother who would be almost 18 years my younger, could learn from me...or at least learn about who i was. in that moment.
I knew I'd be embarrassed, or too old to remember, or unrelatable. And I wanted this unborn child to know what i felt at that moment. the good, the bad, but the honest, for whatever it held....
My brother is 11 now, and has no knowledge of this blog, or the bound journal hidden on my bookshelf.
Before that journal there was only one other "writing"...only one other pouring out of honesty, for the sake of expressing an event in my life. This is housed in an even further hidden corner, as the last file on the bottom of a filing cabinet: a thin black spiral notebook.
In "long" as opposed to in short: In this black spiral are the events of the afternoon, that led to the a year of chaos. It describes the afternoon, that still keeps me up some nights...The afternoon, that to this day when I'm in the "land of enchantment" I will always be scared to see the man that "would take what he wanted", tears be damned. Sadly, this thin, thin, spiral keeps the details, that when I fall asleep on the couch and my husband wakes me up with a kiss, I still sometimes awake startled and unintentionally scream.
Yeah, we won't get much deeper. Child hood divorce and getting smacked a few times, was a tame start...For the most part I had a rough, but pretty "normal" childhood.
So,yeah....Does law school seems kind of awkward for such a by-product? Maybe you're on the side, that it seems "fitting."
Here's the truth: I wanted to be an attorney since I was a kid. I don't ever remember ever wanting to do anything different. It was my drive since I understood motivation. Get the grades, get away from the parents, get into college, any college, get the grades, get the degrees, get into law school, any law school, ....pause, GET into the law school you think you want....get the grades, get the degree, get the internships, get the money to take thee Bar classes, and "ta-da"...now present day... The need to pass the bar...to be a licensed attorney.
To get the job, you said you've always wanted.
Set a goal, work towards the goal,get everything thrown in your way, work harder, achieve the goal. Its what I've always done.
So now you see, up until this point, everything else has always been just that. The "everything else."
The loves lost, the friends moved-on from, the sorority pledge nights, the soldier who broke my heart, the guys "best friend" that mended them...
They're all the thread of the blanket in the background.
Some do stand out. The readers of the blog know this. Up until today, I was pretty damn sure SOMEONE may still want me more than I needed him.
Up until tonight, I thought any one of my "followers" might be a little heart-broken over the invitation I've actually cried over sending...I actually worried about the best friend that hasn't called since I broke his heart and told him I found yet "another guy"...And lets face it. I've been no angel, I put THAT guy through hell. From the NFL player to the late night text messages to anyone but him, I deserved to never be talked to again. And yet, I've always been so sentimental. I've always held on to the friendships that fell in and out of love.
All this I'm smack dab in the middle of my Cinderella story.... I'm seven days from the make or break of achieving the goal. Three stupid letters to equal the abbreviation of a life's dream. ESQ.
I am on the brink...and just tonight I realized that when its over, there's a "NOW WHAT?" to be answered.
And it has been answered. 109...well, 108 days, until a 129 guest listed, and 0 RSVP'd wedding takes place. Less than a month until I move into a three bedroom home. SPECIFICALLY a three bedroom, because the planner in me is plotting 18 months until I can use the third bedroom for a little heart-beat.
Yes. I have that dream. A vintage Winnie the Pooh nursery. Brown, and beige. No cliche pinks or blues. A nursery where a child can be nurtured as this little being and gift....
AND this is where the epiphany came in...I have a man that is kissing my forehead each evening and each morning, despite all the insanity. Despite all the past. Despite all the "guy friends." Despite my brokenness, and driven ambition.
My husband has stuck around since the beginning. He still opens the car door. I scream, and I cry, and I get wrapped in emotional battles of what could have been, and he just sits patiently, waiting on me to return to him.
My husband doesn't even get alarmed anymore when he finds that I've moved to the couch in the middle of the night, or haven't moved from there since I've studied there all day. But tonight for the first time, from five feet away, he sent me a instant message..."if you're done reading, I'd like to hold you, but if you're busy, I'll wait."
It didn't hit. I read another chapter. I crawled into bed after, only to have him hold me, and tell me he loved me.
Then it hit. I cried.
Me...the same girl who after a two year engagement, walked away and didn't shed a tear. The same girl, who after a black spiral notebook worth of trama, locked it up in a file, only to "move on."
I cried and realized for the first time in my life, I had not only something to lose, but that I had a husband not willing to give up on me, even when I could give up on anything including the "dream."
I cried, and he asked what was wrong. I apologized. Through tears I told him I was sorry I slept on the couch.
But I cried because IT HIT. Everything I was doing wrong....or at least didn't see:
I cried because I put quizzes before ordering a wedding dress. I cried because I talked to guys who liked me as a friend, the same way I liked them as a friend, but because deep down I wanted them to always miss me more. I cried because I let my friendships fade. I cried because I missed my family. I cried for no damn reason, other than I had almost let life slip right past me. I cried because I have seven more days....
I cried, and he held me. I cried. And then, finally, without my saying anything of what I felt, of what I had ever posted.... Then, out of nowhere, my husband said it was okay, that I couldn't lose him, that he was never leaving. For the first time, I can ever remember in my life, I cried because I was happy.
With that on the page...the moment which isn't recorded for anyone in particular, I think I may have finally written my first true "Letter to No One."
I think more may be forthcoming, but for now...I need to get to bed.
Good night Universe, and thank you.
It's 12:40am. I'll be up in five hours, but I can't sleep. The "everything" I want to write keeps swirling in my head...but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be on the page. As I'm sure I'll twist and turn in bed till its out, I want to push myself....because tonight, I want to go back to bed.
THUS....WARNING: ------------------------------
Consider this the Caution Lights. Those of the faint of heart should turn around now. This isn't going to be another failed love story, a corky insight on life, or my latest review on a musical lyric. On second thought, there will be lyrics: perhaps this one fits the moment best:
"You caught me at the most pivotal moments" ...
"Let's face it, it's a sad situation when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations
But I don't have the patience, I get straight to the point
So this is me at my most honest
No egos, no Gym Class status, just Travis
Love it or leave it, but you gotta admit
On a scale of 1 to awesome I'm the shit
Just get over it, it happened god damnit, I'd been waiting too long
I even wrote a song about, like to hear it, here it go..."
-----------------
With that said: You've been warned.
I came to a realization. An epiphany. But, let's work up to it...in small doses.
--I've come to realize this blog is read for very few of its "intended recipients."
For instance, if you were to turn to "letter one", and if you had the slightest inclination that I was that transparent, you'd be right...I am. and while these have always been "Letters to No One." I always hoped they reached Someone...or anyone...or an audience. In no particular order.
I wanted to be heard. By the boyfriend or the best friend, the lover, or the scandal of last night.
So here it is, deeper waters....
Once upon a time, before "blogging" and some time before Engagement One ended, and Engagement Two began...I used to write in a journal.
I actually wrote to my unborn baby brother...my mother was pregnant at the time...and I thought, maybe if I could write it all down, this brother who would be almost 18 years my younger, could learn from me...or at least learn about who i was. in that moment.
I knew I'd be embarrassed, or too old to remember, or unrelatable. And I wanted this unborn child to know what i felt at that moment. the good, the bad, but the honest, for whatever it held....
My brother is 11 now, and has no knowledge of this blog, or the bound journal hidden on my bookshelf.
Before that journal there was only one other "writing"...only one other pouring out of honesty, for the sake of expressing an event in my life. This is housed in an even further hidden corner, as the last file on the bottom of a filing cabinet: a thin black spiral notebook.
In "long" as opposed to in short: In this black spiral are the events of the afternoon, that led to the a year of chaos. It describes the afternoon, that still keeps me up some nights...The afternoon, that to this day when I'm in the "land of enchantment" I will always be scared to see the man that "would take what he wanted", tears be damned. Sadly, this thin, thin, spiral keeps the details, that when I fall asleep on the couch and my husband wakes me up with a kiss, I still sometimes awake startled and unintentionally scream.
Yeah, we won't get much deeper. Child hood divorce and getting smacked a few times, was a tame start...For the most part I had a rough, but pretty "normal" childhood.
So,yeah....Does law school seems kind of awkward for such a by-product? Maybe you're on the side, that it seems "fitting."
Here's the truth: I wanted to be an attorney since I was a kid. I don't ever remember ever wanting to do anything different. It was my drive since I understood motivation. Get the grades, get away from the parents, get into college, any college, get the grades, get the degrees, get into law school, any law school, ....pause, GET into the law school you think you want....get the grades, get the degree, get the internships, get the money to take thee Bar classes, and "ta-da"...now present day... The need to pass the bar...to be a licensed attorney.
To get the job, you said you've always wanted.
Set a goal, work towards the goal,get everything thrown in your way, work harder, achieve the goal. Its what I've always done.
So now you see, up until this point, everything else has always been just that. The "everything else."
The loves lost, the friends moved-on from, the sorority pledge nights, the soldier who broke my heart, the guys "best friend" that mended them...
They're all the thread of the blanket in the background.
Some do stand out. The readers of the blog know this. Up until today, I was pretty damn sure SOMEONE may still want me more than I needed him.
Up until tonight, I thought any one of my "followers" might be a little heart-broken over the invitation I've actually cried over sending...I actually worried about the best friend that hasn't called since I broke his heart and told him I found yet "another guy"...And lets face it. I've been no angel, I put THAT guy through hell. From the NFL player to the late night text messages to anyone but him, I deserved to never be talked to again. And yet, I've always been so sentimental. I've always held on to the friendships that fell in and out of love.
All this I'm smack dab in the middle of my Cinderella story.... I'm seven days from the make or break of achieving the goal. Three stupid letters to equal the abbreviation of a life's dream. ESQ.
I am on the brink...and just tonight I realized that when its over, there's a "NOW WHAT?" to be answered.
And it has been answered. 109...well, 108 days, until a 129 guest listed, and 0 RSVP'd wedding takes place. Less than a month until I move into a three bedroom home. SPECIFICALLY a three bedroom, because the planner in me is plotting 18 months until I can use the third bedroom for a little heart-beat.
Yes. I have that dream. A vintage Winnie the Pooh nursery. Brown, and beige. No cliche pinks or blues. A nursery where a child can be nurtured as this little being and gift....
AND this is where the epiphany came in...I have a man that is kissing my forehead each evening and each morning, despite all the insanity. Despite all the past. Despite all the "guy friends." Despite my brokenness, and driven ambition.
My husband has stuck around since the beginning. He still opens the car door. I scream, and I cry, and I get wrapped in emotional battles of what could have been, and he just sits patiently, waiting on me to return to him.
My husband doesn't even get alarmed anymore when he finds that I've moved to the couch in the middle of the night, or haven't moved from there since I've studied there all day. But tonight for the first time, from five feet away, he sent me a instant message..."if you're done reading, I'd like to hold you, but if you're busy, I'll wait."
It didn't hit. I read another chapter. I crawled into bed after, only to have him hold me, and tell me he loved me.
Then it hit. I cried.
Me...the same girl who after a two year engagement, walked away and didn't shed a tear. The same girl, who after a black spiral notebook worth of trama, locked it up in a file, only to "move on."
I cried and realized for the first time in my life, I had not only something to lose, but that I had a husband not willing to give up on me, even when I could give up on anything including the "dream."
I cried, and he asked what was wrong. I apologized. Through tears I told him I was sorry I slept on the couch.
But I cried because IT HIT. Everything I was doing wrong....or at least didn't see:
I cried because I put quizzes before ordering a wedding dress. I cried because I talked to guys who liked me as a friend, the same way I liked them as a friend, but because deep down I wanted them to always miss me more. I cried because I let my friendships fade. I cried because I missed my family. I cried for no damn reason, other than I had almost let life slip right past me. I cried because I have seven more days....
I cried, and he held me. I cried. And then, finally, without my saying anything of what I felt, of what I had ever posted.... Then, out of nowhere, my husband said it was okay, that I couldn't lose him, that he was never leaving. For the first time, I can ever remember in my life, I cried because I was happy.
With that on the page...the moment which isn't recorded for anyone in particular, I think I may have finally written my first true "Letter to No One."
I think more may be forthcoming, but for now...I need to get to bed.
Good night Universe, and thank you.
9:39 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
restraining order
Let it hereby be enacted:
All rude people are to maintain a distance of 10 feet from me at all times.
Violations are punishable by Mayhem.
All rude people are to maintain a distance of 10 feet from me at all times.
Violations are punishable by Mayhem.
3:34 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
Fascinating
Booth: We’re talking It’s a Ten Commandments here! Thou shalt not commit adultery. One down from your personal favorite, thou shalt not murder.
Brennan: Oh So you believe Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mt Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines of two pieces of rock?
Booth: Yes. And that is why it’s on the Supreme Court.
Brennan: Fascinating.
Brennan: Oh So you believe Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mt Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines of two pieces of rock?
Booth: Yes. And that is why it’s on the Supreme Court.
Brennan: Fascinating.
4:21 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments
My Husband the Hero...gave me poison ivy?
So, on his way to a party, that I am once again not attending....My spouse, while driving, is witness to a woman fainting, and literally falling into the river...
Naturally, he pulls over, and naturally he goes to her rescue.
Naturally, there would be stupid, itchy poison ivy.
After she is "rescued" he comes home...itching, scratching.
We rescue him...soap, alcohol. He is fine. He goes to his party. And now....I'm itchy. Hopefully, its all in my head...Hopefully.
Naturally, he pulls over, and naturally he goes to her rescue.
Naturally, there would be stupid, itchy poison ivy.
After she is "rescued" he comes home...itching, scratching.
We rescue him...soap, alcohol. He is fine. He goes to his party. And now....I'm itchy. Hopefully, its all in my head...Hopefully.
12:27 PM | Filed Under | 0 Comments