Hello universe. rumor has it i may not be able to blog here much longer...aol being stupid and all.
But i do hope i can keep it. pages of the her story that is me, anyways.
So i've been laying in the tub thinking i may drown, and what a stupid death that would be. i mean imagine explaining that one

Ever have a night that began andlasted til the next morning?
Were you crying? wasting time til the sun rose? or having the time of your life?
Did your body shake? with pleasure? fatigue? fear?
Would you repeat the moment? or resent and regret every moment leading up to it?
Me. I have no regrets. ;) rock on my little universe, you rocked me.

Can't sleep. My new found single status has provided me with a weekend full of fun and rediscovery.
The men of my life remain the same, however painfully rearranged. My exis still my ex, and he is happy with his woman
My someone too remains with other obligations.
Tonights slumber may only found with coven

Not knowing what to feel. New month, new job, new family. Love it all.

What was playing

George Strait
	Desperately
	Every night its the same I hear you callin my name You're lyin' next to me I give into your charms You disappear in my arms I realize it's just a dream, but Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Shake the sleep from my head And try to crawl out of bed Today is just another day I make the coffee for one I turn the radio on Pretend that everythings ok, but Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Know theres no reason to smile Its gonna take me awhile Cause I still love you desperately Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Watch the sun goin' down There ain't nobody around I feel a night in the breeze I keep on tellin' myself I don't need nobody else And I can do as I please, but Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now I Desperately I long to feel your touch But you left me all alone in love And now Every night its the same I hear you callin' my name I still love you desperately I still love you I still want you I still love you desperately

Best homecoming ever. Lol.

Miss you, my favorite would be 16 year old boyfriend.

A cut and paste....

So heres a letter, that I pondered as I sent...just wondering what others thought:

I have to admit, I struggle with the commitment aspect of relationships myself. Truth be told I change my mind every other day as to whether or not I want "commitment."

I wonder why this is so hard for people? Once upon a time all I wanted was commitment, now that it is so easily accessible, I find myself struggling each day not to run for cover.

I loved how you phrased "intimacy with commitment" --Not to pry, but what does that -really- mean to you? I mean it intrigues me....I've always considered a "commited relationship" defined as a friendship with intimacy, so I am curious as to how you differ from me in this aspect.....

After 15 years, i've made it back home...8 miles by 8 miles of country. Lets see...

Night with j like nights with c. Comfortable

In other news, j, the non-present teacher, is taking me out tomorrow. So yay.
Also, going back to the birth place. So yee-haw.

Mr. Boots writes today. 5 sentences, and my world is rocked.
Missing him becomes undeniable, and i fear september more than ever.

To live with a guy, or to live with a guy...that seems to be the question.

Got daddy's place to myself, a full bar, and permission to throw a party..,so why am I staying out of trouble?
Perhaps, i really have grown up?
Except, i think grown ups move-in with their significant others, not the guy they met two weeks ago? hmmm.
And I thought September would be hard.

Its 5 am and for the past hour plus i've second guessed my last 24. I miss my boyfriend desperately and yet, know there is no way he can help.
Little pink pills are my sleepy escape, and yet even they offer no solace. Pray i get out of this one.

One third of a fifth later...
To be blunt, mexico wasn't as fun as it could be, but unfortunately, I made up for it the following thursday...
Between a high school friend and a new friend, i somehow well, literally ended up.
Not in a bad way...but. Well.maybe that's what's bad about it.
In current events. Life in the middle of nowhere may lead to a car payment.
Missing a life i used to know, but so far i am trapped in the one i got. Wish me luck. ;)

Florida in T minus 36 hours. Cultural Festival in T minus 9 days. Me minus the unrelenting fear that my boyfriend will not be
happy when 'this' is all over...mmmm, wait for it.

Care O'Meter going down?

How do you cool your lips, after a summer's kiss?
How do you rid the sweat, after the body's bliss?
How do you turn your eyes, from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere?

How do you numb your skin, after the warmest touch?
How do you slow your blood, after the body rush?
How do you free your soul, after you've found a friend?
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again?

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have some advice to give,
How to be insensitive

Selective Lyrics, Insensitive, Jann Arden

Confused, conflicted, and yet completely okay...The next few weeks will be telling, but once over...relief. 4 more days til
the begining of the end. Or maybe, its just the begining of the begining. Or maybe, its just another moment in time that will
pass like so many others, and become inconsequential in time. Like last summer
or the summer before. lol. or the summer before...perhaps, inconsequential is the wrong term...even shadows of memories still
make themselves present in my dreams.

Ponderings

As my summer is well on its way, some concerned freinds have checked the "journal" to try to gather where in the hell I went.

You're right, I'm gone. New destination to be determined.

Here's the Haps:

House Sitting in Corrales: May 27-June 3

Baby Sitting in Corrales: June 3-14

Florida: June 15-21

Road Trip to San Diego, and then on to..... (it's official, I'm going): June 21-25.

In Albuquerque June 25-30: Plans to be determined

Road Trip to Las Cruces/El Paso: June 30- July

July 3rd:  Warp Tour: Las Cruces NM

July 4th: Family

July 5th - July 30th: Plans to be determined. My "El Paso" crew promises, "a very large Margarita," a chance to practice "cage and bar dancing", as well as a renewl of my "pimp licence"--which I have been told is not under revoction, as previously thought ;-)

July 31st is Pipsqueaks birthday.

August 1st I must return to Albuquerque, have some living arrangement, get my stuff out of storage and pretend to resume a normal NON-Summer life....

August 8th: First Day Back at Work---BOOO.

Finally: Sept Something: Mr. Boots comes back into town. "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Someone wrote recently:

Sometimes absence is the sincerest form of flattery.

Here's hoping.

If Lucy Fell...the flick of the past, and present.

ashes to ashes, dust to dust. seeing the pain of loss, always implores people to be better than what they are.
How is it that i remain so set in my carefree ways, astonished me.
I remain the picture of pulled together, but i'm learning fast...It's all PR. Perception is not always reality, and what
lays in the periphery while far away, may be the surest goal i have.

The time for nobility has come, and as is proper, I will play the dutiful girlfriend. Undeniably, my mind wanders to what
could and may be, but as my perfect world is one of shadows, I wait it out.
"One of these days, someone is gonna walk into your life, and make you realize why it didn't work with anyone else."

Days go by...

The summer is near, and school has ended.

Work is only 8 more days...

Moving out is only 16 days away.

Florida, and California.

 

Mr. Boots calls, and I can't help but admit, he makes me undone....

J---I'm a month from you. hope all is well til then, if not I'm only a phone call away.

****

 

 

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living,

my baby you'll be.

The Defiant....

My silence has been at the benefit of an amazing new addition to my life....

22 Divas of Chaos now call me "Sister" and I am a better person for having had the experiance....

*************

In non-"What the hell is she talking about?"-news:

Mr. Boots has emerged yet again into my life....

He calls, he writes, some may even surmise that he cares....hmmmmm, nah.

(Or at least so I keep telling myself.....)

 

Is it wrong to miss him?

*****

I passed my teacher competancy and skills test, now all thats left to do is be hired.

******

I think a friend is trying to tell me BAD news about my boyfriend....

Like BAD news.... that or he still wants me....one of the two....

but recieveing a text: "Have you broken up with your boyfriend in the past week?", is not at all encouraging. ESPECIALLY when I know he's been with his ex....

***

Speaking of ex's....chill time with my ex, manana!!! Oh yes...Downtown, my girls, and my ex.....lol....Unlikely combo, but the ex always make me have fun.

****

Current....the current boyfriend has been good to me. Gotta admit, he's been everything a man should be. dependable. reliable. He picks me up from the airport, and he makes dinner on Thursdays.

****

This just in....manana is gonna be crazy, 3 ex boyfriends, all my sorority, and no boyfriend in sight....LORD bring me home....

 

Ever get that feeling like, What am I doing?
All of me seems to be gone, and I'm at a loss as to where it went.
I'm out and about playing hide and seek, except I don't think anyone is coming to look for me.
If I didn't just spend 4 bucks on my cookie dough ice cream, i'd be at the bar drinking...
Lol. the random thoughts of a girl who is stranded at her boyfriends house. lol

SPRING BREAK IN FULL AFFECT

Well in a "No Boundaries" attitude, I decided to take on the world head first...

Now I'm hung-over, and truly questioning what I was thinking yesterday...

"But there I was..." getting on the back of a motorcycle, going 110 mph, and critiquing strippers from a booth as I drank one too many beers at 4 in the afternoon.

In the end...I was returned *stumbling* to my man's arms.

He was amused too.

 

 

Its 9 am. i'm going back to bed. :)

Buckin Chicken!!!!

Hi J....

miss you....like a lot today....sometimes I think you're the only one that reads this thing...when you do, that is....

 

So it's my first "official" day of Spring Break...and I gotta say...it's not turning out the way I planned...My room is still a mess...my work docked my paycheck for my NY escapade....I got into a fight with my EX...I mean hullo....we shouldn't be fighting anymore!!!!

My current boyfriend is "busy" as usual....

*sigh* its no wonder that boys in NY think I'm single...they don't ask; i never tell....but on the contrary to what the EX insinuated....I never cheat.

so I'm sad now...and wanting attention, but I'm not gonna give in, and as the Te might state, this is a good time to acknowledge what is within  my means....

I am a small animal...but it is that small-ness that will make great adventures possible...

me...i can clean my room...and not bother anyone for the remainder of the night.

 

 

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And...its done. the speech went fabulous. the after party was too sweet. and the dj fell in love with me...it was hot.

In 5 days....

In 5 days....

I'll either be super cool or super un-cool...

I'm pretty sure thats how it'll go.

Why? oh why? because I will be in New Jersey...throwing the biggest most expensive party of my life....and yeah...since I'm like the hostest with the mostest...responsibility..as to its success, etc...I'm kinda nervous....

For those of you who dont know me...I'm in a sorority. (Don't judge...yet!) Its like a good one...I promise...anyways....

As Someone I know would say, "I'm kinda a big deal"---at least on March 18th, I will be-- or i'll pretend to be....

Ever get that "Fake it till you make it," mentality?

Heres hoping it works...

Yeah. So this isn't a coherrent blog for anyone that doesn't know me...but if you have questions. I'm honest, so I'll answer.

Hope your weekends less productive than mine!

The Real Matt Jones

 

 

Its 9a.m. and i'm getting ready for my 2nd job. yeah. seriously. second job. gotta chase that paper.

My date, not the boyfriend, not the ex, but my ex's pledge. (Lol! I know!) might be arranging his flight tonight. crazy.
All in all i'm planning on good clean fun. :)

On top of this, money is so tight I needed to pick up a second job just for gas money.

I've got mine, and you've got yours...and maybe through it all we'll still have each other :) GK dominated greek everything,
the weekend has ended and "The real matt jones," as opposed to the fake one, performs this week. :) maybe i'll meet him :)

The Grades are In!

Well, I got my very first paper back...my
"I am _____________," paper.
and I had to share...
I quote...
"I've missed reading your work. The words jump off the page. You seem to have great interest and insight into social identity issues. Have you ever studied social pyschology? (Tatum is a social psych person.): A."

Happiness. as opposed to contentment. rare but present this evening.

Happy Fat Tuesday. ...hope you're with your Someone

Did you think I would forget?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY J....

I know you're practically married now, but I love you anyways... hee hee (jk--we love J's girl--she keeps him smelling good.)

Okay so happy birthday, wish I could be there...tell joseph the bartender to start a tab....and I'll get right on that...mmm, in 10 years. :)

Well, wishing you the best....You wouldn't think I'd forget right?

Love you, Me

Sittin in a highschool cafeteria waiting and watching my sister.
feeling like i need to sleep but pushing through out of a sense of obligation;
Still trying to be the number one sister in an imaginary competition.
On the plus side, the band director is pretty hot. But as pointed out by the sibling, i'm older than him.

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

First time that I saw you boy
It was a warm and sunny day
All I know is I wanted you
I really hoped you looked my way
When you smiled at me
So warm and sweet
I could not stay
You make me feel like a itty-bitty girl
What do you do to me

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
No hard feelings
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
I’m gonna be there

Your energy, feels so damn good to me
It picks me up don’t wanna come down
You got me spinning all around
Yeah
You need to know
I’ve got that somebody
You’re beautiful
But it ain’t that kind-a party nowww

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

Well I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
Baby we’ll be butterflies
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
That sounds so divine

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
I guess I will now
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
Wait, wait a little while

See it ain’t nothing wrong with dreaming
Boy don’t get me wrong
Cause every time (every time) I see you (every single time)
I know just how strong (every single time)
That my love is for my baby
But emotions just don’t lie
Well I know I’m a lot of woman
But not enough to divide the pie

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
You know I want to stay around
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
I’m so confused now

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
Already
I’mgoing to be there
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
I’m going to look for you

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someones girl?

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
Oh
Oh baby
I’m gonna be there
I’m gonna be there

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Thinking about sleep...funny, i was thinking of...

a blog to call my own

"I often sit and wonder, no really I do; if the people who I want to read this, actually read this blog."

You know, I often wonder the same thing....
Sometimes I wonder if Someone is writing about or to me?

Would you imagine the conceit to have such a thought?

but because JM seems only to be answered in tru JM fashion...

all of your friends don't know who I am
I've been your best kept secret

Some more Myspace...and more than Myspace....

So, if you read this...you're definately someone close to me...or someone who wants to get close to me...or just someone thats stalking me...or hmmm. I guess someone thats bored and found themselves on this page....

Anywho...if you might have noticed I've become a myspacer....terrible for a band and boy groupie like me...and as I've noted in earlier sessions, I blog on that occasionally, but never fear non-myspacers...and those who believe <myspaceisgay.com> hee hee hee.

anywhoo...you'll always get the cut and paste...plus...my real life...

for those who know I travel...eh....I'm so warn out by it...National responsibilities SUCK!!!

but i feel greatly accomplished as I have published count em--250 invitations ++++100 vendor invites....yes...I am good. and with the first "ad" in--we're breaking even.

****sigh...

so..V-day was yesterday...I cried during dinner...me and "Him" have very differing viewpoints...and I still find it hard to accept that the guy I care so much for can have his own oppinions...

Anywhoo....he kissed me and made it all better...and when I went out to play today...(hee hee) he sent me a text wishing me a very "Happy Half- Birthday" wish....Yeah, I'm first grade...So I love it....

The roomie bought me dinner...so today has been feeling like a great Half Birthday indeed.

To fill everyone in on the "How are you and Him?" question....cause I know I'm vague...we are good. He is this like incredible boyfriend I never thought I'd have and (LOL) each time I think I've done something to completely push him away...like get all political...get all emotional...get all...well, me...he just hugs me a little closer and tells me He's still there....???

I tell you I can't figure it out...most guys are running by now...BUT, I guess after three and a half years, lol, he knew what he was getting into...

I learned I'm okay in His families eyes...so I'm thinking, wow....it doesn't hit...i keep waiting for "it", but it just doesn't...its kinda like, yeah...we kiss more now...but he's still my best friend....

I'm waiting for "it" though....to know if its right. To know its wrong. to know anything...but nope...just happiness...and not like Wow, I'm on cloud 9 happyness, just contentment...like....yeah I could do this for the rest of my life and not get bored.

LOL. this is gonna sound "me" but....he's kinda fung-shui...if i put him in just the right place in my life, I have this feeling he'll be functional, pleasing to the eye, inconspicuous, and constantly bring me good energy....LOL...okay. enough of that...heres a blog entry, if you haven't gotten enough....love everyone. muah!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I am....
Current mood: accomplished

So I have recieved many great and awe inspiring answers to my "I am" bulletein...

Thanks a plenty... the paper went well....In an unfortunate turn of events my plans to see the Elusive "Matt Jones" (on my friends list for times and shows) is once again trumped by fate....perhaps I am not ment to listen to the magical tones of an acoustic guitar???

 

doubtful...but because I couldn't help it...nor get the song out of my head from hearing it in the car....one of many of my lyrical responses to my "I am _______" question.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Yeah. dinner was nice. :)

"In a Relationship." Lol. the myspace equivalent of three other words. tonight i got both, roses, and the genuine feeling...
It might be the catch phrase...but, "I'm ALL in." :-)

Time away always sheds new perspective on the ordinary. In short, travel went well.
Travel was the only thing that well, given this business trip.
The best though, is being wanted back. :-)

So...if we're "Official," and anniversaries are now and place, and we attend functions "together," does that mean I have to
change my myspace profile. Lol! by the way. interesting coincidence...Mr Boots SN popped up, so he's at least alive, right. :)

Best part. he comes over, my pledge decides we're good and said BF try to digre mic

shall i describe the fun that is me? first, no work. next free lunch. next a nap. next a visit from a high school sweetheart.
Add to this a call from "The Dad," and we've got a nice day. the housemate then cooks and cleans for dinner. both mr. someone
Desert is chocolate dipped

I'm deleting temptation off my phone and buddy list again! ugh! why is it so hard to be content? maybe cause i seek happiness?

Oh and since this is my personal friends access to my life: have I mentioned how happy my man makes me? i mean. i know its
Ups and Downs. and with us we're a roller coaster. and i know i shouldn't be so happy over the little things, but when i was
Sick last night crying in pain. and gross and whinny, he still came over. and he brought ibprophen cause i ran out. and he
asked if i wanted cough drops. and when he got here he kissed my forehead and let me lay on his lap. then he rubbed my head.
When the pain made me cry he just crawled in bed right next to me and wiped my tears as he told me "we" were invited to a
Super Bowl party and how he finally just "Officially" told the guys about us that night. i mean. It's like wow. us.
Mind you. i'm not ready to go "All in" with him just yet. but the gamble seems so win-win lately :-)
Oh. before i forget. www.brokenguitars.com .

myspace

okay people...I admit it. I'm addicted. My space. if you're not on it. well good. I don't need another reason to spend even more of my day on it...but wow....

anywhoo they have a blog section...and I'll admit,...i didn't think i'd use it...but I have...so by the power of "Cut and Paste" here it is....

The MYSPACE bloggings:

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I paid money for that....
Current mood: Eveything feels better than yesterday

So...Last checked I was sick....Doc says I'm stressed. Doc says relax...I tell her, well I'm a teacher, the kids have had the flu and strep... "Can ya test me just to be sure?"...

Her response "I don't think it's necessary, but its your money."

Okay....So I go home thinking, it's all in my head. that i need to relax. So I do. I veg. I forget all my plans for the weekend,....(namely because I'm exhausted!!!!) So I think I'll rest....but I'll be better right? WRONG!

I go to work on Monday feeling like death ran me over with a 4x4 and then reversed over my weak body to scoff at me when I didn't die....

Doctor calls me at work on Monday after lunch...."Feeling better"--"Not really"

"Um...yeah, you should be at home...you have strep throat...I'll write you a prescription"

GRRRRRRRRR......SEE PEOPLE. I don't make it up. I really was sick...now aren't you glad I didn't expose you???

So, anywhooo.,...today I'm taking the day off. Drinking O.J.Doing the Dishes. cleaning my room. Watching way toooooooo much MTV and Style network.

My loved ones say to take a nap, but guess what...with anti-biotics in my sytem I actually feel like I can live past tommorrow.  YAY!

k--thats all. Hope everyone is enjoying their days.

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Saturday, January 28, 2006

Booooo on Doctors

So I have this headache that wont go away...

the doctor does her thing...open your mouth, roll your neck, diets, meds, blah....

She tells me I'm "stressed," I laugh. Um I'm in grad school. I run a national campaign for my organization, and I teach 6 and 7 years...Are you kidding I'm not stressed, I'm LIVING!

Anywhoo....I say "the headache" she says "Ibprophen"

No computer, reading, or exposure to loudness....

WOW--I'm so glad I live in the world....

I'll be vegging out and "de-stressing" this weekend :-)

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Sunday, January 15, 2006

hmmm. Need a Date????
Current mood: busy

So I need a Date. So if you're in New York City on March 18th, can stand sorority stuff, and would like to party...I have a ticket...hit me up.

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Too Funny
Current mood: amused

So, I'll probably get kicked off for this...but c'mon. Sense of humor at its best.... Something to consider when posting pictures....hmmmmm....

http://www.myspaceisgay.com/

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Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year to me....
Current mood: content

Blog as usual...Letters to No One

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So. i guess i'm no longer single. happy? um. sure. ecstatic. not really. just the natural progression of things i guess. :)
The meds i've been taking have really thrown me for a loop though. i've been crazy emotional. and i really am lucky to have a
man that knows how to deal with me. :-) truly. how did i get so lucky? oh yeah 3 years waiting for him!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe I have now entered into the so coined, "Real World." I state this for a few reasons. The
First and most painful, being the new forms of anguish my body has decided to produce.
It seems that invisible killer known as stress has decided to make himself known thru high blood pressure and muscular
tissue tightening...hmmm...around my brain. severe. eh. kinda. refered to as a severe tension headache. cause stress.
Now to the lay person and I prior to this fridays prescriptions, i would say, eh no big deal. what is the big deal however is
comparison of said headache and rare malidies such as menengitis,... an infection of brain fluid that we're still not ruling
out. likelihood, slim. consequences, apparently severe. hence perhaps my tru felt need to pursue medical attention. anywho,
the diagnosis. stress. the prescription. rest....After Seth, my luv came over and had me watch disney movies. he kissed me
and asked how he could make it better...we asked each other questions and then began the topic of future kids names. thomas is
nice. so as andrea.
Its just fun. probing. but realistic. eh. not there yet.

Perhaps i may never need to come undone again. :)

Damn. i do love my homelife. side note. j. miss and luv you. your abq clone. made me a cd. two words. the fray. two more.
Teddy Geiger. and two more for good measure. love it. :-)

When i love you. i tell you the truth. I say whats on my mind. despite the pain or complications it creates. its me. my nature

Despite the overwhelming success, I still have a remaining feeling of suffication.
"Not alone...and I wish I was...'Cause then I'd know, I was down because..."
Not him. He's perfect. He truly makes me happy
Just writing about him brings a smile to my face...so with everything up, why am i so down?
Maybe the calm? is too weird. lol....maybe i'm just tired. :) i do think i'm falling. cause now i'm all sleepy happy. knowing
a smile is easily found. sigh. :-)

Love him. just don
't know what to do with him.

I'm over my head.
I'm over my head.

Fuck me. i'm falling hard...and yeah, no safety nets.

Maybe not so Zen....

So, I have a feeling, I've been over-doing this Zen thing. Or maybe I haven't been doing the Zen thing enough...Point being: I just want life to be...."uncomplicated."

So, here it is, the quick the dirty, the seemingly uncomplicated?

Emotions make you run like at 2000% right?

So He's my fuel....

If you people haven't figured it out, I'm in the weirdest damn relationship ever..."dating" one guy....been dating the one guy....is he "the boyfriend"...no...can I "date"...uh...yeah, I think???

So anyway... He's been around for something like 4 years....yeah. thats long, but after about the last year, we've decided to "try to make it work"

HAHA we'll see...truth is, I don't know how to quit him....he's the worst drug ever....super highs and bad crashes....but I always go back....I think he wishes daily that we never met....

well maybe not now...cuz now, were making it work...I have to admit. I'm in heaven

okay. must go

 

 

Its 3:06am and i'm awake. and much like last night, i'm in my bed after an uneventful evening...I'm not gonna bother Ms V
anymore. i'm done having the duck conversations. am i single? Is he a duck? translation, is he a boyfriend. No. the answer is
NO. he is not a boyfriend. he probably never will be, and as his "friends" put it, the faster i get my eat head around it,
the faster we can both move on. and you know what, i Hate that conversation. I Hate talking about it now. i hate feeling I
am the only one having it. Fuck. as a matter a fact, let me just end it now. there. magic dust. done.

Its 8am. and I'm awake...worse, I went to bed on a Friday night at midnight. jeeze. am I old? ...some live music tonight. :)

I love movie night...In a word, DAMN!

Concert was great. i lost my hat, got a wallet. lost my hearing and got a towel, and my shirt signed.
My boy didn't come with, but me and the Ex had fun. best part, gotta admit, was being trusted by my guy to do that. :)
Movie night. tonight, and after the bloody finger, bruised arms, and busted ribs i got, some loving attention will be nice. :)

Amazing what sleep, crying, talks with the ex, talks with ms.v, shots, talking with "The Dad", (Timing, wow!), more talking
with my boy, can do... here's my resolve, the Tao has a way of making things work out. kinda zen, but I'm on chapter 2 of the
Te. things i'm considering...how much i truly love him as is. He is a tree. though functional as a table, and suitable as a
chair, He is a tree, providing shelter and shade and a place to rest, simply as a tree. :)
Good as is....i just turned down a guaranteed incredible night with The Dad...the Book of Answers says,
Fuck. It would. The Book states, "It is never too late to be what you might have been...Do not give up on your aims."

And so begins the end...the ex factor...his not mine. go figure.
I thought my crying was over. but as usual, life had other plans.
I really felt fine...but all of a sudden, i'm not fine... and it sucks. cause, deep down i know she'll always have him.

Can't tell if I beat the newspaper this morning, but I definately left a sleepy head rest on his pillow...
Truth be told, I've never left a guy before he wakes up...I thought I'd say goodbye when he heard me getting ready to leave.
(In the movies, the guy always wakes up when the girls leaving, or vice-a-versa.)
But, he didn't wake up, and he looked so peaceful, I didn't have the heart to wake him.
So,...I wrote him a note. (Isn't that proper protocol?)
I hope thats okay...i've never left without saying goodbye?
I suppose when there is every intention of seeing Him again, it doesn't matter. Right? :-\

So...if I had been dating a guy for about 2 weeks and I already gave him a key, I'd be nuts, right?
I suppose its a good thing i've known him for almost 3 and a half years then...
Tonights highlights recap: I ask Him out; exploring the individuals of us; intro to the bro's; planning the games closet. :-)
also, his ex isn't a threat followed by the giving of the key...details to follow, but suffice it to say, "we're good." :)
In sum, the ex and the pledge had plans, and I'm glad.

Whoa. Weirdest dream ever...Me hooking up with the President of My Ex Boyfriends fraternity...well, he was the president...
GOD it was weird. He still had his girlfriend and I was still dating my current, but there it was me kissing el Presidente...
On the plus side, there was a water bed, downside, he tasted like cigarettes. any ways. weird weird weird. maybe It's because
I want to drop gifts off at the house? I can't explain that one.
All in all, good dream though. lol. :-)

Home sweet home, and I'm exhausted. Happy tired, but exhausted. I tried to explain it to him when he worried about my not
sleeping. Simply put, when you know why you're tired. (i.e. my situation. i didn't leave from His house until 3:30am. )
The juice is worth the juice is worth the squeeze.

So week one of 6 weeks shows an interesting picture. Me. Him. Happy? Hmmm...who would have thought it?

what comes up, most come down. and cloud 9 is so up there...but can I just say...wow?

Its a new year...an old love...but wow. what a mix.
The break has been a fairy tale.
The dentist has come and gone. Along with the ex. but He remains...
I tell myself, what goes up must come down, and wait for the worst...but for the first time ever...i'm sleeping in his clothes
, or laying in his arms...I gotta admit this is new. fun.
What goes up, must come down, but until then...the view is great...