God I fear permanent insomnia. In other news, no news. nothing im ready to report anyway. Health issues are affecting me and my loved ones, and all I can ask for is that our ills be temporary.
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mind over body
2:08 am. Sleep is failing me yet again. but tonight im forcing myself to stay in bed. With a double dose of benadryll sleep should come. Should.
God I fear permanent insomnia. In other news, no news. nothing im ready to report anyway. Health issues are affecting me and my loved ones, and all I can ask for is that our ills be temporary.
God I fear permanent insomnia. In other news, no news. nothing im ready to report anyway. Health issues are affecting me and my loved ones, and all I can ask for is that our ills be temporary.
The storyline is just a private story...
Dear Universe,
Ever so often I review the entries in this blog and analyze how the storyline must read to a stranger in my life. I review the cast of characters, and see who has remained, and who I have been true to in portraying. Some days, I'll admit, I get it all wrong.
To point: a couple of weeks ago, a new reader asked me in a non-nonchalant fashion if one of the post were about him. I was honest and shyly admitted it was not. He wasn't hurt, but then proceeded to ask if the post was about another friend I had casually mentioned as being the cause of a serious bridal dilemma... The dilemma being: Do you invite the ex-boyfriend to the wedding? I again truthfully responded, that the specific blog entry he was citing had nothing to do with the guy he was citing either. He seemed confused, and confronted me point blank.
In all honesty, I responded to him, as I think I should reiterate now: My blog entries are meant to be an open evaluation of something I was part of, affected by, and witness to, but ultimately not actively in control of. This is how I view some parts of my life. For better or worse. I am just part of the cast of characters
Meaning,I feel people will be put in a moment that will usually effect them as it does me. NONETHELESS, it is My experience, that I write. --Sometimes, to a fictional third party, only contemplating. What should I do? Do I sway another person's choice, and tell him, she's not right for you...knowing he's happy?
Do I respond to the ex that has just told me he loves me? Do I admit that seeing a lost loves new girlfriend makes my heart quiver just a bit? Do I rationalize that when their partners not available a stripper, girl at the end of the bar, or friend in a chat-box suffice all the same?
Ultimately, I think my writings are my sounding boards of true wants, and yes, of true grown emotion. But ultimately its just my way of coping.
I want to tell the best friend, I can't believe he married his wife, and I want to tell an ex, he was the most amazing lover I've ever had to date (even though, well, I've been lucky)....I want to tell Someone I'm happy for him, as I always am, but perhaps emotionally give myself a sympathy party that reads, even though I'm entitled to no such emotion, in my fantasy land of me, he will always be mine. Most of all, in my fantasy world, I pretend that all such musings are acceptable. That no reader, my past and present loves alike, would ever take harm by my rationalizing my heart.
Allowing myself to love, lust, and play in a mental labyrinth with an emotional rubix... This is what I do...It is part of who I am and who I am becoming.
With that said, I'm going to try to solidify the cast of characters again soon, and possibly re-write my own...stay tuned universe.
xoxo,
DCGG
Ever so often I review the entries in this blog and analyze how the storyline must read to a stranger in my life. I review the cast of characters, and see who has remained, and who I have been true to in portraying. Some days, I'll admit, I get it all wrong.
To point: a couple of weeks ago, a new reader asked me in a non-nonchalant fashion if one of the post were about him. I was honest and shyly admitted it was not. He wasn't hurt, but then proceeded to ask if the post was about another friend I had casually mentioned as being the cause of a serious bridal dilemma... The dilemma being: Do you invite the ex-boyfriend to the wedding? I again truthfully responded, that the specific blog entry he was citing had nothing to do with the guy he was citing either. He seemed confused, and confronted me point blank.
In all honesty, I responded to him, as I think I should reiterate now: My blog entries are meant to be an open evaluation of something I was part of, affected by, and witness to, but ultimately not actively in control of. This is how I view some parts of my life. For better or worse. I am just part of the cast of characters
Meaning,I feel people will be put in a moment that will usually effect them as it does me. NONETHELESS, it is My experience, that I write. --Sometimes, to a fictional third party, only contemplating. What should I do? Do I sway another person's choice, and tell him, she's not right for you...knowing he's happy?
Do I respond to the ex that has just told me he loves me? Do I admit that seeing a lost loves new girlfriend makes my heart quiver just a bit? Do I rationalize that when their partners not available a stripper, girl at the end of the bar, or friend in a chat-box suffice all the same?
Ultimately, I think my writings are my sounding boards of true wants, and yes, of true grown emotion. But ultimately its just my way of coping.
I want to tell the best friend, I can't believe he married his wife, and I want to tell an ex, he was the most amazing lover I've ever had to date (even though, well, I've been lucky)....I want to tell Someone I'm happy for him, as I always am, but perhaps emotionally give myself a sympathy party that reads, even though I'm entitled to no such emotion, in my fantasy land of me, he will always be mine. Most of all, in my fantasy world, I pretend that all such musings are acceptable. That no reader, my past and present loves alike, would ever take harm by my rationalizing my heart.
Allowing myself to love, lust, and play in a mental labyrinth with an emotional rubix... This is what I do...It is part of who I am and who I am becoming.
With that said, I'm going to try to solidify the cast of characters again soon, and possibly re-write my own...stay tuned universe.
xoxo,
DCGG
The trouble with looking...
The thing about looking for something, is sometimes you just may find more than you bargained for...
Tonight, as sleep failed me, I decided to once again jump on my favorite social network, Facebook, and attempt to reconnect with an OLD (my 15yr old) boyfriend. Reason why? Simple. I was "tagged" in a photo with him, after accepting another friend from high schools Friend request.
Being the inquisitive girl I am, I thought, "Self, I wonder what He's doing now?" After all, he was the "first real boyfriend." The first guy to take me to a dance...and meet my father...and the first guy whose heart I probably broke. It had started with him. Innocent. Where calls led to giggles. And everything that could complicate relationships, well, was going "too far." It was the best kind of love.
Last I heard, he was married and had at least one kid...
So, I thought, hmmm, why not, and did the quick search. I didn't find him...Ever resourceful, and curious about her as well, I typed in his baby sisters name. No hit.
Annoyed, I did the fail safe, Google searched, sisters name plus our high school.
--Then her obituary came up.
She was married. Had two step-sons. Not wanting to believe it, I typed her married name in Facebook. Plain as day, her picture came up. Directly in her "Friend's List" was my ex boyfriends name. I clicked the small icon that revealed the larger photo...his new tattoo: "In Loving Memory." She was two years younger than us, and she passed less than two weeks ago.
I remembered her older, sitting in the hall with her when we went to community college. I remember younger, her not wanting to get off the phone when me and her brother whispered into the late night of 10:30. I remember she really liked me, and I really liked her.
Tonight, as sleep failed me, I decided to once again jump on my favorite social network, Facebook, and attempt to reconnect with an OLD (my 15yr old) boyfriend. Reason why? Simple. I was "tagged" in a photo with him, after accepting another friend from high schools Friend request.
Being the inquisitive girl I am, I thought, "Self, I wonder what He's doing now?" After all, he was the "first real boyfriend." The first guy to take me to a dance...and meet my father...and the first guy whose heart I probably broke. It had started with him. Innocent. Where calls led to giggles. And everything that could complicate relationships, well, was going "too far." It was the best kind of love.
Last I heard, he was married and had at least one kid...
So, I thought, hmmm, why not, and did the quick search. I didn't find him...Ever resourceful, and curious about her as well, I typed in his baby sisters name. No hit.
Annoyed, I did the fail safe, Google searched, sisters name plus our high school.
--Then her obituary came up.
She was married. Had two step-sons. Not wanting to believe it, I typed her married name in Facebook. Plain as day, her picture came up. Directly in her "Friend's List" was my ex boyfriends name. I clicked the small icon that revealed the larger photo...his new tattoo: "In Loving Memory." She was two years younger than us, and she passed less than two weeks ago.
I remembered her older, sitting in the hall with her when we went to community college. I remember younger, her not wanting to get off the phone when me and her brother whispered into the late night of 10:30. I remember she really liked me, and I really liked her.
My phone the paperweight.
Only 4 months old, and out of nowhere in the middle of texting, arises the multi-colored screen of doom. I'd say blue screen of doom, but I was lucky and got some mixed up version of karma resulting in a Double Rainbow screen of doom. FML.
So yeah, my phone is a paperweight. There, now every medium has been utilized to alert the general public that I am unavailable via phone technology. One step closer to the arctic. Grrrrrr.
With all alerted, maybe now at 6:14 am, I can Finally fall asleep.
====
On another note. 1 year and 1 day, make a world of difference. Last year this time, I was in the emergency room. After only one date, this guy shows up and waits 5 hours with me, holding my hand, telling me it will be okay.
Jaded, I thought, maybe it was because the night before I wore heels, and he felt guilty. Maybe it was because I didn't really have anyone else and he felt bad for me? Looking back, I realize, he was really just that good a guy. Crazy how he said he wasn't going to leave me, and that I didn't have to be alone...Go figure, he was right.
So yeah, my phone is a paperweight. There, now every medium has been utilized to alert the general public that I am unavailable via phone technology. One step closer to the arctic. Grrrrrr.
With all alerted, maybe now at 6:14 am, I can Finally fall asleep.
====
On another note. 1 year and 1 day, make a world of difference. Last year this time, I was in the emergency room. After only one date, this guy shows up and waits 5 hours with me, holding my hand, telling me it will be okay.
Jaded, I thought, maybe it was because the night before I wore heels, and he felt guilty. Maybe it was because I didn't really have anyone else and he felt bad for me? Looking back, I realize, he was really just that good a guy. Crazy how he said he wasn't going to leave me, and that I didn't have to be alone...Go figure, he was right.
I'm A Little Black Rain Cloud of course.
Okay, it's 1:11 AM. Of course I'm awake. And I'm a little grumpy but in a cute way. (Also, bee warned, this doesn't mean you...unless it does) :)
So, I was awoken from my "nap" that started at 9pm-- Yeah, only to be woken up by 11pm by the alarm, to wake the hubby up, for tada...graveyard shift. Just another JOY of being a military wife. --I say this, knowing in five months, I will be in a permanent graveyard shift...24 hours lights-on for 6 months...24 hours lights-off the other 6 months. Awesome, right? But enough of that.. Back to the Title...
(Aside: Pooh Bear, yes? I blame you...because of you, I wake up and start watching Golden Girls. Do you know how lame that is? Lol.)
For those of you who don't know: Pooh Bear is an undercurrent in my life...Not only tied in with somewhat pleasant childhood memories, he is also quiet an insightful little bear. Again, for those of you who may not know, I am really into Tao philosophy, especially according to Benjamin Hoff :) So...after much deliberation (that's where I think, think, think) the name I am assigning to a GREAT Guy who has actually been in this blog, well since I met him, is now going to be synonymous with the Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
I influence him, he influences me...and well, who doesn't want to cuddle with a Pooh Bear...but THATS another story...and before I make this a blog all ABOUT him. Lets talk about how he's been getting me through.
For the past week, aside from the midnight text, he's helped alleviate the stress of bridal madness...Which is apart from when I'm not watching my NFL team suffer.
At 1am, I'm thinking about the many people that won't notice I have stayed up and bothered to HAND ADDRESS over 130 invitations. I am applying stamps to these 130+ invites. I'm thinking of how I'm paying for the postage of these 130+ invites...Most importantly I'm thinking that less than 30 of these 130 invitations will even bother to show up to my wedding. Its made me very sad. Sorority sisters, college friends, even family members have already given me their "I'm sorry, but your day isn't important enough for me to take time or money out of my life to make that 4 hour drive or 2 hour flight."
I tell myself to be more understanding. That we are in a failing economy. That my wedding is on a Friday. That I'm requiring people to travel. YEAH. And then I think, you know, I would have done it for you. I have done it for you.
I think....I didn't expect you to show up to my high school graduation, I didn't ask you to show up to my baccalaureate, or masters degree presentations. Yeah, I never expected any graduation gifts from my JD program completion. Not even a good job, that time I won that prestigious award, or spoke in front of hundreds. Yeah, never cared. Never really thought, hey, you should be there....BUT this ONE time, this one time I expect FAMILY to be by my side, yeah, crickets. Maybe the RSVP's will prove me different, but right now. Well, I'm a little black rain cloud of course...Lol, which puts me in a better mood thinking about it. ..
For the translation, you may watch: I'm A Little Black Rain Cloud of course
This sillyness along with the recommended NFL and Golden Girls also keeps me from thinking on the status updates that WERE bothering me(past tense, glad to report). I say this, as I'm sure that was overblown. Nevertheless, I'm staying off twitter until I can manage my time without wondering where I rank in peoples lives. Sigh...
anyways. I need to Think think think less and do more stoutness excercise....
P.Bear, see how this name fits you perfectly?? Stuff and Fluff...Thats better. Thank you.
xoxox,
DCGG
So, I was awoken from my "nap" that started at 9pm-- Yeah, only to be woken up by 11pm by the alarm, to wake the hubby up, for tada...graveyard shift. Just another JOY of being a military wife. --I say this, knowing in five months, I will be in a permanent graveyard shift...24 hours lights-on for 6 months...24 hours lights-off the other 6 months. Awesome, right? But enough of that.. Back to the Title...
(Aside: Pooh Bear, yes? I blame you...because of you, I wake up and start watching Golden Girls. Do you know how lame that is? Lol.)
For those of you who don't know: Pooh Bear is an undercurrent in my life...Not only tied in with somewhat pleasant childhood memories, he is also quiet an insightful little bear. Again, for those of you who may not know, I am really into Tao philosophy, especially according to Benjamin Hoff :) So...after much deliberation (that's where I think, think, think) the name I am assigning to a GREAT Guy who has actually been in this blog, well since I met him, is now going to be synonymous with the Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
I influence him, he influences me...and well, who doesn't want to cuddle with a Pooh Bear...but THATS another story...and before I make this a blog all ABOUT him. Lets talk about how he's been getting me through.
For the past week, aside from the midnight text, he's helped alleviate the stress of bridal madness...Which is apart from when I'm not watching my NFL team suffer.
At 1am, I'm thinking about the many people that won't notice I have stayed up and bothered to HAND ADDRESS over 130 invitations. I am applying stamps to these 130+ invites. I'm thinking of how I'm paying for the postage of these 130+ invites...Most importantly I'm thinking that less than 30 of these 130 invitations will even bother to show up to my wedding. Its made me very sad. Sorority sisters, college friends, even family members have already given me their "I'm sorry, but your day isn't important enough for me to take time or money out of my life to make that 4 hour drive or 2 hour flight."
I tell myself to be more understanding. That we are in a failing economy. That my wedding is on a Friday. That I'm requiring people to travel. YEAH. And then I think, you know, I would have done it for you. I have done it for you.
I think....I didn't expect you to show up to my high school graduation, I didn't ask you to show up to my baccalaureate, or masters degree presentations. Yeah, I never expected any graduation gifts from my JD program completion. Not even a good job, that time I won that prestigious award, or spoke in front of hundreds. Yeah, never cared. Never really thought, hey, you should be there....BUT this ONE time, this one time I expect FAMILY to be by my side, yeah, crickets. Maybe the RSVP's will prove me different, but right now. Well, I'm a little black rain cloud of course...Lol, which puts me in a better mood thinking about it. ..
For the translation, you may watch: I'm A Little Black Rain Cloud of course
This sillyness along with the recommended NFL and Golden Girls also keeps me from thinking on the status updates that WERE bothering me(past tense, glad to report). I say this, as I'm sure that was overblown. Nevertheless, I'm staying off twitter until I can manage my time without wondering where I rank in peoples lives. Sigh...
anyways. I need to Think think think less and do more stoutness excercise....
P.Bear, see how this name fits you perfectly?? Stuff and Fluff...Thats better. Thank you.
xoxox,
DCGG
Waxing Gibbous Moon
Rather than check the weather, or status updates on wherever Someone is,
Or ask an insightful bear stuffed with fluff to lullaby me to sleep,
I have checked the moon phase...almost together, but not there yet.
Yeah, story of my life...
Latest update, stalker msgd at 130 last night...I told him he woke my husband up, and he didn't appreciate it...chicken move, but he never sent the Good Morning text
Other update, said Husband is now working Graveyard 3 nights a week, which = sleep is all ef'd up, plus I'm scared and alone at 210,
Anywhoo, fear will subside to exhaustion...night universe. Xoxo, dcgg
Or ask an insightful bear stuffed with fluff to lullaby me to sleep,
I have checked the moon phase...almost together, but not there yet.
Yeah, story of my life...
Latest update, stalker msgd at 130 last night...I told him he woke my husband up, and he didn't appreciate it...chicken move, but he never sent the Good Morning text
Other update, said Husband is now working Graveyard 3 nights a week, which = sleep is all ef'd up, plus I'm scared and alone at 210,
Anywhoo, fear will subside to exhaustion...night universe. Xoxo, dcgg
its 3:23am Your Time...and i dont want to know
I won't lie. The past few weeks have been hard. See prior posts.
The songs "Fuck you" by CeeLo and BreakEven by the Script pretty much have battled and melded into one restless emtotion.
The temporary solution, simple. Get off twitter. What you don't read can't hurt you.
The long term solution...also simple, get back to that place where I worry about only me and my bubble.
As I call on my Inner Pooh Bear (don't mock me-its my Taoist nature)-- I remind myself, what will be, will be, and what won't, won't. Emotions such as jealousy, hurt, resentment are useless waste of energy...So too, is false spirit for Someone. I can fake happiness, but to whom? No one cares, I shouldn't care, and thus like sand in a reflection garden, I rake over the thoughts...Clang and Chime.
Ironic?, "I just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..." -- Perhaps not, when it works.
Fortunately, I had a miracle the other day that I desperately needed...but that's another story.
in many ways the following statement makes sense and is all I have left, interpret as you may:
now I get to sleep.
The songs "Fuck you" by CeeLo and BreakEven by the Script pretty much have battled and melded into one restless emtotion.
The temporary solution, simple. Get off twitter. What you don't read can't hurt you.
The long term solution...also simple, get back to that place where I worry about only me and my bubble.
As I call on my Inner Pooh Bear (don't mock me-its my Taoist nature)-- I remind myself, what will be, will be, and what won't, won't. Emotions such as jealousy, hurt, resentment are useless waste of energy...So too, is false spirit for Someone. I can fake happiness, but to whom? No one cares, I shouldn't care, and thus like sand in a reflection garden, I rake over the thoughts...Clang and Chime.
Ironic?, "I just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..." -- Perhaps not, when it works.
Fortunately, I had a miracle the other day that I desperately needed...but that's another story.
in many ways the following statement makes sense and is all I have left, interpret as you may:
now I get to sleep.
How did you get my number?
When does friendly "catching up" cross the line?
How bout when the text after I say "I'm getting married" , reads "can you get pictures on your phone?"
Or maybe its when I don't respond, the next 6 text are some derrivative
"No, okay"
"Sorry, I just want to send you a picture of me and my daughter"?
"Did I say something wrong"
"Why won't you talk to me"
All this when I ran to the store and left my phone in my purse. Its three days later, and without another text fro me, I wake up to two more text.
So now I'm wondering how did this dude get my number? Also, while I won't label this guy a creep, I never "hung out" with this person. He's not someone I'd call a friend, and in fact I only "knew" to be polite to him because he was in an organization I had some respect for... Most importantly, I'm wishing I had a "block" like Facebook or AIM...Polite 'I am declining your FRIEND status.
No, I don't think I'm better than this guy. In fact, part of me sympathizes, thinking Aww, he must be a lonely guy reaching out? The other part of me is thankful for Facebook privacy settings.
----
In other news, let's see...I'm moving to SNOW, year round. Yeah, kind of a big deal, past Canada, up to the Northern Lights to live with Santa. I'm going to be an elf, ftr. How am I with the decision? Well, its not my choice. As I told many a peeps before, I'm a Military Wife first. That means, he moves, I follow. Period. So, I better be Yay,candy canes and moose because
Like it or not, that's my life for the next FOUR Years...Did I mention I was going to apply to be an e
Elf? I'm really excited about the possibility of striped socks. ;)
Speaking of occupations, I'm now a housewife...as the hubby and I decided, there's no real reason to work these next four months...um, yeah. How am I handeling that? Let's see, badly.
While the Martha Stewart gene didn't altogether skip me, it has been repressed. After all I didn't get 5 degrees to be suzy home-maker. But I do get to spend time wedding planning...and well, that Has to be done. Its almost a full time job. Almost...
Other news? I am "Wifey" of the year, as I decided to let the Hubby get the Uggliest Chair in the World. Yup. Mossy Oak in recliner form. The Big Man, "magnum series" catnapper, with heat and massage. I think a guys balls must grow two inches just by sitting in it...sigh. So, yeah. He's the envy of all his friends, I'm the good/cool/insert some complimentarydescriptive- wife.
Truth be told, its very comfortable, and no lies, I'm already seeing the days I get to rock asleep in it. Speaking of sleep, I now have a kitty on my chest, signalling its about time I go back to sleep.
xoxo,
DCGG
How bout when the text after I say "I'm getting married" , reads "can you get pictures on your phone?"
Or maybe its when I don't respond, the next 6 text are some derrivative
"No, okay"
"Sorry, I just want to send you a picture of me and my daughter"?
"Did I say something wrong"
"Why won't you talk to me"
All this when I ran to the store and left my phone in my purse. Its three days later, and without another text fro me, I wake up to two more text.
So now I'm wondering how did this dude get my number? Also, while I won't label this guy a creep, I never "hung out" with this person. He's not someone I'd call a friend, and in fact I only "knew" to be polite to him because he was in an organization I had some respect for... Most importantly, I'm wishing I had a "block" like Facebook or AIM...Polite 'I am declining your FRIEND status.
No, I don't think I'm better than this guy. In fact, part of me sympathizes, thinking Aww, he must be a lonely guy reaching out? The other part of me is thankful for Facebook privacy settings.
----
In other news, let's see...I'm moving to SNOW, year round. Yeah, kind of a big deal, past Canada, up to the Northern Lights to live with Santa. I'm going to be an elf, ftr. How am I with the decision? Well, its not my choice. As I told many a peeps before, I'm a Military Wife first. That means, he moves, I follow. Period. So, I better be Yay,candy canes and moose because
Like it or not, that's my life for the next FOUR Years...Did I mention I was going to apply to be an e
Elf? I'm really excited about the possibility of striped socks. ;)
Speaking of occupations, I'm now a housewife...as the hubby and I decided, there's no real reason to work these next four months...um, yeah. How am I handeling that? Let's see, badly.
While the Martha Stewart gene didn't altogether skip me, it has been repressed. After all I didn't get 5 degrees to be suzy home-maker. But I do get to spend time wedding planning...and well, that Has to be done. Its almost a full time job. Almost...
Other news? I am "Wifey" of the year, as I decided to let the Hubby get the Uggliest Chair in the World. Yup. Mossy Oak in recliner form. The Big Man, "magnum series" catnapper, with heat and massage. I think a guys balls must grow two inches just by sitting in it...sigh. So, yeah. He's the envy of all his friends, I'm the good/cool/insert some complimentarydescriptive- wife.
Truth be told, its very comfortable, and no lies, I'm already seeing the days I get to rock asleep in it. Speaking of sleep, I now have a kitty on my chest, signalling its about time I go back to sleep.
xoxo,
DCGG