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Ibiza
Tired and tortured by insomnia. Tomorrow I work out in an attempt to cure this.
Rsvp count. Who knows. 8 rooms booked. Dress arrives in a week??? Hopefully.
Rsvp count. Who knows. 8 rooms booked. Dress arrives in a week??? Hopefully.
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How does it feel to be getting married, he asks.
I was going to ask you, I say..."Ever have cold feet?"
1:35 AM The Ex: I don't know, when I was going to get married, I didn't get cold feet, I knew, balls to bones. But what you are feeling, aprehension, little this little that, look you love this man and he loves you right, you know him and likewise, you have lived together for a good period of time, haven't cheated on one another, your a brilliant woman and like all women you don't know what you want--but you my friend, I know do not make rash decisions about serious life changing events.
Look at how far you have taken yourself already, your ready for this too. I have faith in you honey, just wish/ hope I can land a woman like you some day.
I really do wish I was everything he saw and sees in me still. Unshakable faith... I know Sometimes, I probably didn't and don't deserve it.
--------So, repeating a tweet that probably wasn't about me... #twothingsthatdontmix ex girlfriends & wedding invitations.
I wonder who that was about?
xoxo,
DCGG
1:35 AM The Ex: I don't know, when I was going to get married, I didn't get cold feet, I knew, balls to bones. But what you are feeling, aprehension, little this little that, look you love this man and he loves you right, you know him and likewise, you have lived together for a good period of time, haven't cheated on one another, your a brilliant woman and like all women you don't know what you want--but you my friend, I know do not make rash decisions about serious life changing events.
Look at how far you have taken yourself already, your ready for this too. I have faith in you honey, just wish/ hope I can land a woman like you some day.
1:44 AM me: you always had this unshakable belief in me
1:47 AM The Ex: Well I know something everyone else doesn't.
1:51 AM me: Not sure even I know what you see in me...but I wish I was all you do see.
I really do wish I was everything he saw and sees in me still. Unshakable faith... I know Sometimes, I probably didn't and don't deserve it.
--------So, repeating a tweet that probably wasn't about me... #twothingsthatdontmix ex girlfriends & wedding invitations.
I wonder who that was about?
xoxo,
DCGG
Dear Pooh Bear,
Because you are entertaining, I find it increasingly harder not to disturb you. Isn't that always the way? When a person is readily available, you never seem to treasure the opportunity... Speaking of which, I've become amazing at selective reading of social network updates. Even better at avoiding troubling remindings. Ex's birthday was apparently two days ago. Selective facebook. One day I may just disappear altogether. Change my name. Email. Address. Only a few short days and months away.
Bridgette Jones style: rsvp.count, 3 yes, 9 no, 138 unaccounted for.
What I meant to write:
Dear Pooh Bear,
War and Peace, Chapter VIII. You remind me of Pierre. That is all.
Xoxo, DCGG
Bridgette Jones style: rsvp.count, 3 yes, 9 no, 138 unaccounted for.
What I meant to write:
Dear Pooh Bear,
War and Peace, Chapter VIII. You remind me of Pierre. That is all.
Xoxo, DCGG
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Happy birthday
Today is my husband's birthday. 26. That makes him three years my younger.
He's at work now. Not quite the midnight shift, but the up before the sun and home for lunch shift. Its one of the shifts I should love because he comes home sooner, but in reality its awful. I feel useless because I've accomplished nothing in the time span he's been gone.
Then his coming home hinders all I would want to do. Work out, clean, etc. Oddly, his tired-ness just seems to permeate through all my ambition. Of course the most recent sinus infection hasn't helped matters either.
Sigh this was nothing I meant to discuss. Perhaps when my mind is clearer and the breathing isn't quite so labored.
He's at work now. Not quite the midnight shift, but the up before the sun and home for lunch shift. Its one of the shifts I should love because he comes home sooner, but in reality its awful. I feel useless because I've accomplished nothing in the time span he's been gone.
Then his coming home hinders all I would want to do. Work out, clean, etc. Oddly, his tired-ness just seems to permeate through all my ambition. Of course the most recent sinus infection hasn't helped matters either.
Sigh this was nothing I meant to discuss. Perhaps when my mind is clearer and the breathing isn't quite so labored.
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mind over body
2:08 am. Sleep is failing me yet again. but tonight im forcing myself to stay in bed. With a double dose of benadryll sleep should come. Should.
God I fear permanent insomnia. In other news, no news. nothing im ready to report anyway. Health issues are affecting me and my loved ones, and all I can ask for is that our ills be temporary.
God I fear permanent insomnia. In other news, no news. nothing im ready to report anyway. Health issues are affecting me and my loved ones, and all I can ask for is that our ills be temporary.
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The storyline is just a private story...
Dear Universe,
Ever so often I review the entries in this blog and analyze how the storyline must read to a stranger in my life. I review the cast of characters, and see who has remained, and who I have been true to in portraying. Some days, I'll admit, I get it all wrong.
To point: a couple of weeks ago, a new reader asked me in a non-nonchalant fashion if one of the post were about him. I was honest and shyly admitted it was not. He wasn't hurt, but then proceeded to ask if the post was about another friend I had casually mentioned as being the cause of a serious bridal dilemma... The dilemma being: Do you invite the ex-boyfriend to the wedding? I again truthfully responded, that the specific blog entry he was citing had nothing to do with the guy he was citing either. He seemed confused, and confronted me point blank.
In all honesty, I responded to him, as I think I should reiterate now: My blog entries are meant to be an open evaluation of something I was part of, affected by, and witness to, but ultimately not actively in control of. This is how I view some parts of my life. For better or worse. I am just part of the cast of characters
Meaning,I feel people will be put in a moment that will usually effect them as it does me. NONETHELESS, it is My experience, that I write. --Sometimes, to a fictional third party, only contemplating. What should I do? Do I sway another person's choice, and tell him, she's not right for you...knowing he's happy?
Do I respond to the ex that has just told me he loves me? Do I admit that seeing a lost loves new girlfriend makes my heart quiver just a bit? Do I rationalize that when their partners not available a stripper, girl at the end of the bar, or friend in a chat-box suffice all the same?
Ultimately, I think my writings are my sounding boards of true wants, and yes, of true grown emotion. But ultimately its just my way of coping.
I want to tell the best friend, I can't believe he married his wife, and I want to tell an ex, he was the most amazing lover I've ever had to date (even though, well, I've been lucky)....I want to tell Someone I'm happy for him, as I always am, but perhaps emotionally give myself a sympathy party that reads, even though I'm entitled to no such emotion, in my fantasy land of me, he will always be mine. Most of all, in my fantasy world, I pretend that all such musings are acceptable. That no reader, my past and present loves alike, would ever take harm by my rationalizing my heart.
Allowing myself to love, lust, and play in a mental labyrinth with an emotional rubix... This is what I do...It is part of who I am and who I am becoming.
With that said, I'm going to try to solidify the cast of characters again soon, and possibly re-write my own...stay tuned universe.
xoxo,
DCGG
Ever so often I review the entries in this blog and analyze how the storyline must read to a stranger in my life. I review the cast of characters, and see who has remained, and who I have been true to in portraying. Some days, I'll admit, I get it all wrong.
To point: a couple of weeks ago, a new reader asked me in a non-nonchalant fashion if one of the post were about him. I was honest and shyly admitted it was not. He wasn't hurt, but then proceeded to ask if the post was about another friend I had casually mentioned as being the cause of a serious bridal dilemma... The dilemma being: Do you invite the ex-boyfriend to the wedding? I again truthfully responded, that the specific blog entry he was citing had nothing to do with the guy he was citing either. He seemed confused, and confronted me point blank.
In all honesty, I responded to him, as I think I should reiterate now: My blog entries are meant to be an open evaluation of something I was part of, affected by, and witness to, but ultimately not actively in control of. This is how I view some parts of my life. For better or worse. I am just part of the cast of characters
Meaning,I feel people will be put in a moment that will usually effect them as it does me. NONETHELESS, it is My experience, that I write. --Sometimes, to a fictional third party, only contemplating. What should I do? Do I sway another person's choice, and tell him, she's not right for you...knowing he's happy?
Do I respond to the ex that has just told me he loves me? Do I admit that seeing a lost loves new girlfriend makes my heart quiver just a bit? Do I rationalize that when their partners not available a stripper, girl at the end of the bar, or friend in a chat-box suffice all the same?
Ultimately, I think my writings are my sounding boards of true wants, and yes, of true grown emotion. But ultimately its just my way of coping.
I want to tell the best friend, I can't believe he married his wife, and I want to tell an ex, he was the most amazing lover I've ever had to date (even though, well, I've been lucky)....I want to tell Someone I'm happy for him, as I always am, but perhaps emotionally give myself a sympathy party that reads, even though I'm entitled to no such emotion, in my fantasy land of me, he will always be mine. Most of all, in my fantasy world, I pretend that all such musings are acceptable. That no reader, my past and present loves alike, would ever take harm by my rationalizing my heart.
Allowing myself to love, lust, and play in a mental labyrinth with an emotional rubix... This is what I do...It is part of who I am and who I am becoming.
With that said, I'm going to try to solidify the cast of characters again soon, and possibly re-write my own...stay tuned universe.
xoxo,
DCGG
The trouble with looking...
The thing about looking for something, is sometimes you just may find more than you bargained for...
Tonight, as sleep failed me, I decided to once again jump on my favorite social network, Facebook, and attempt to reconnect with an OLD (my 15yr old) boyfriend. Reason why? Simple. I was "tagged" in a photo with him, after accepting another friend from high schools Friend request.
Being the inquisitive girl I am, I thought, "Self, I wonder what He's doing now?" After all, he was the "first real boyfriend." The first guy to take me to a dance...and meet my father...and the first guy whose heart I probably broke. It had started with him. Innocent. Where calls led to giggles. And everything that could complicate relationships, well, was going "too far." It was the best kind of love.
Last I heard, he was married and had at least one kid...
So, I thought, hmmm, why not, and did the quick search. I didn't find him...Ever resourceful, and curious about her as well, I typed in his baby sisters name. No hit.
Annoyed, I did the fail safe, Google searched, sisters name plus our high school.
--Then her obituary came up.
She was married. Had two step-sons. Not wanting to believe it, I typed her married name in Facebook. Plain as day, her picture came up. Directly in her "Friend's List" was my ex boyfriends name. I clicked the small icon that revealed the larger photo...his new tattoo: "In Loving Memory." She was two years younger than us, and she passed less than two weeks ago.
I remembered her older, sitting in the hall with her when we went to community college. I remember younger, her not wanting to get off the phone when me and her brother whispered into the late night of 10:30. I remember she really liked me, and I really liked her.
Tonight, as sleep failed me, I decided to once again jump on my favorite social network, Facebook, and attempt to reconnect with an OLD (my 15yr old) boyfriend. Reason why? Simple. I was "tagged" in a photo with him, after accepting another friend from high schools Friend request.
Being the inquisitive girl I am, I thought, "Self, I wonder what He's doing now?" After all, he was the "first real boyfriend." The first guy to take me to a dance...and meet my father...and the first guy whose heart I probably broke. It had started with him. Innocent. Where calls led to giggles. And everything that could complicate relationships, well, was going "too far." It was the best kind of love.
Last I heard, he was married and had at least one kid...
So, I thought, hmmm, why not, and did the quick search. I didn't find him...Ever resourceful, and curious about her as well, I typed in his baby sisters name. No hit.
Annoyed, I did the fail safe, Google searched, sisters name plus our high school.
--Then her obituary came up.
She was married. Had two step-sons. Not wanting to believe it, I typed her married name in Facebook. Plain as day, her picture came up. Directly in her "Friend's List" was my ex boyfriends name. I clicked the small icon that revealed the larger photo...his new tattoo: "In Loving Memory." She was two years younger than us, and she passed less than two weeks ago.
I remembered her older, sitting in the hall with her when we went to community college. I remember younger, her not wanting to get off the phone when me and her brother whispered into the late night of 10:30. I remember she really liked me, and I really liked her.
My phone the paperweight.
Only 4 months old, and out of nowhere in the middle of texting, arises the multi-colored screen of doom. I'd say blue screen of doom, but I was lucky and got some mixed up version of karma resulting in a Double Rainbow screen of doom. FML.
So yeah, my phone is a paperweight. There, now every medium has been utilized to alert the general public that I am unavailable via phone technology. One step closer to the arctic. Grrrrrr.
With all alerted, maybe now at 6:14 am, I can Finally fall asleep.
====
On another note. 1 year and 1 day, make a world of difference. Last year this time, I was in the emergency room. After only one date, this guy shows up and waits 5 hours with me, holding my hand, telling me it will be okay.
Jaded, I thought, maybe it was because the night before I wore heels, and he felt guilty. Maybe it was because I didn't really have anyone else and he felt bad for me? Looking back, I realize, he was really just that good a guy. Crazy how he said he wasn't going to leave me, and that I didn't have to be alone...Go figure, he was right.
So yeah, my phone is a paperweight. There, now every medium has been utilized to alert the general public that I am unavailable via phone technology. One step closer to the arctic. Grrrrrr.
With all alerted, maybe now at 6:14 am, I can Finally fall asleep.
====
On another note. 1 year and 1 day, make a world of difference. Last year this time, I was in the emergency room. After only one date, this guy shows up and waits 5 hours with me, holding my hand, telling me it will be okay.
Jaded, I thought, maybe it was because the night before I wore heels, and he felt guilty. Maybe it was because I didn't really have anyone else and he felt bad for me? Looking back, I realize, he was really just that good a guy. Crazy how he said he wasn't going to leave me, and that I didn't have to be alone...Go figure, he was right.
I'm A Little Black Rain Cloud of course.
Okay, it's 1:11 AM. Of course I'm awake. And I'm a little grumpy but in a cute way. (Also, bee warned, this doesn't mean you...unless it does) :)
So, I was awoken from my "nap" that started at 9pm-- Yeah, only to be woken up by 11pm by the alarm, to wake the hubby up, for tada...graveyard shift. Just another JOY of being a military wife. --I say this, knowing in five months, I will be in a permanent graveyard shift...24 hours lights-on for 6 months...24 hours lights-off the other 6 months. Awesome, right? But enough of that.. Back to the Title...
(Aside: Pooh Bear, yes? I blame you...because of you, I wake up and start watching Golden Girls. Do you know how lame that is? Lol.)
For those of you who don't know: Pooh Bear is an undercurrent in my life...Not only tied in with somewhat pleasant childhood memories, he is also quiet an insightful little bear. Again, for those of you who may not know, I am really into Tao philosophy, especially according to Benjamin Hoff :) So...after much deliberation (that's where I think, think, think) the name I am assigning to a GREAT Guy who has actually been in this blog, well since I met him, is now going to be synonymous with the Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
I influence him, he influences me...and well, who doesn't want to cuddle with a Pooh Bear...but THATS another story...and before I make this a blog all ABOUT him. Lets talk about how he's been getting me through.
For the past week, aside from the midnight text, he's helped alleviate the stress of bridal madness...Which is apart from when I'm not watching my NFL team suffer.
At 1am, I'm thinking about the many people that won't notice I have stayed up and bothered to HAND ADDRESS over 130 invitations. I am applying stamps to these 130+ invites. I'm thinking of how I'm paying for the postage of these 130+ invites...Most importantly I'm thinking that less than 30 of these 130 invitations will even bother to show up to my wedding. Its made me very sad. Sorority sisters, college friends, even family members have already given me their "I'm sorry, but your day isn't important enough for me to take time or money out of my life to make that 4 hour drive or 2 hour flight."
I tell myself to be more understanding. That we are in a failing economy. That my wedding is on a Friday. That I'm requiring people to travel. YEAH. And then I think, you know, I would have done it for you. I have done it for you.
I think....I didn't expect you to show up to my high school graduation, I didn't ask you to show up to my baccalaureate, or masters degree presentations. Yeah, I never expected any graduation gifts from my JD program completion. Not even a good job, that time I won that prestigious award, or spoke in front of hundreds. Yeah, never cared. Never really thought, hey, you should be there....BUT this ONE time, this one time I expect FAMILY to be by my side, yeah, crickets. Maybe the RSVP's will prove me different, but right now. Well, I'm a little black rain cloud of course...Lol, which puts me in a better mood thinking about it. ..
For the translation, you may watch: I'm A Little Black Rain Cloud of course
This sillyness along with the recommended NFL and Golden Girls also keeps me from thinking on the status updates that WERE bothering me(past tense, glad to report). I say this, as I'm sure that was overblown. Nevertheless, I'm staying off twitter until I can manage my time without wondering where I rank in peoples lives. Sigh...
anyways. I need to Think think think less and do more stoutness excercise....
P.Bear, see how this name fits you perfectly?? Stuff and Fluff...Thats better. Thank you.
xoxox,
DCGG
So, I was awoken from my "nap" that started at 9pm-- Yeah, only to be woken up by 11pm by the alarm, to wake the hubby up, for tada...graveyard shift. Just another JOY of being a military wife. --I say this, knowing in five months, I will be in a permanent graveyard shift...24 hours lights-on for 6 months...24 hours lights-off the other 6 months. Awesome, right? But enough of that.. Back to the Title...
(Aside: Pooh Bear, yes? I blame you...because of you, I wake up and start watching Golden Girls. Do you know how lame that is? Lol.)
For those of you who don't know: Pooh Bear is an undercurrent in my life...Not only tied in with somewhat pleasant childhood memories, he is also quiet an insightful little bear. Again, for those of you who may not know, I am really into Tao philosophy, especially according to Benjamin Hoff :) So...after much deliberation (that's where I think, think, think) the name I am assigning to a GREAT Guy who has actually been in this blog, well since I met him, is now going to be synonymous with the Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
I influence him, he influences me...and well, who doesn't want to cuddle with a Pooh Bear...but THATS another story...and before I make this a blog all ABOUT him. Lets talk about how he's been getting me through.
For the past week, aside from the midnight text, he's helped alleviate the stress of bridal madness...Which is apart from when I'm not watching my NFL team suffer.
At 1am, I'm thinking about the many people that won't notice I have stayed up and bothered to HAND ADDRESS over 130 invitations. I am applying stamps to these 130+ invites. I'm thinking of how I'm paying for the postage of these 130+ invites...Most importantly I'm thinking that less than 30 of these 130 invitations will even bother to show up to my wedding. Its made me very sad. Sorority sisters, college friends, even family members have already given me their "I'm sorry, but your day isn't important enough for me to take time or money out of my life to make that 4 hour drive or 2 hour flight."
I tell myself to be more understanding. That we are in a failing economy. That my wedding is on a Friday. That I'm requiring people to travel. YEAH. And then I think, you know, I would have done it for you. I have done it for you.
I think....I didn't expect you to show up to my high school graduation, I didn't ask you to show up to my baccalaureate, or masters degree presentations. Yeah, I never expected any graduation gifts from my JD program completion. Not even a good job, that time I won that prestigious award, or spoke in front of hundreds. Yeah, never cared. Never really thought, hey, you should be there....BUT this ONE time, this one time I expect FAMILY to be by my side, yeah, crickets. Maybe the RSVP's will prove me different, but right now. Well, I'm a little black rain cloud of course...Lol, which puts me in a better mood thinking about it. ..
For the translation, you may watch: I'm A Little Black Rain Cloud of course
This sillyness along with the recommended NFL and Golden Girls also keeps me from thinking on the status updates that WERE bothering me(past tense, glad to report). I say this, as I'm sure that was overblown. Nevertheless, I'm staying off twitter until I can manage my time without wondering where I rank in peoples lives. Sigh...
anyways. I need to Think think think less and do more stoutness excercise....
P.Bear, see how this name fits you perfectly?? Stuff and Fluff...Thats better. Thank you.
xoxox,
DCGG
Waxing Gibbous Moon
Rather than check the weather, or status updates on wherever Someone is,
Or ask an insightful bear stuffed with fluff to lullaby me to sleep,
I have checked the moon phase...almost together, but not there yet.
Yeah, story of my life...
Latest update, stalker msgd at 130 last night...I told him he woke my husband up, and he didn't appreciate it...chicken move, but he never sent the Good Morning text
Other update, said Husband is now working Graveyard 3 nights a week, which = sleep is all ef'd up, plus I'm scared and alone at 210,
Anywhoo, fear will subside to exhaustion...night universe. Xoxo, dcgg
Or ask an insightful bear stuffed with fluff to lullaby me to sleep,
I have checked the moon phase...almost together, but not there yet.
Yeah, story of my life...
Latest update, stalker msgd at 130 last night...I told him he woke my husband up, and he didn't appreciate it...chicken move, but he never sent the Good Morning text
Other update, said Husband is now working Graveyard 3 nights a week, which = sleep is all ef'd up, plus I'm scared and alone at 210,
Anywhoo, fear will subside to exhaustion...night universe. Xoxo, dcgg
its 3:23am Your Time...and i dont want to know
I won't lie. The past few weeks have been hard. See prior posts.
The songs "Fuck you" by CeeLo and BreakEven by the Script pretty much have battled and melded into one restless emtotion.
The temporary solution, simple. Get off twitter. What you don't read can't hurt you.
The long term solution...also simple, get back to that place where I worry about only me and my bubble.
As I call on my Inner Pooh Bear (don't mock me-its my Taoist nature)-- I remind myself, what will be, will be, and what won't, won't. Emotions such as jealousy, hurt, resentment are useless waste of energy...So too, is false spirit for Someone. I can fake happiness, but to whom? No one cares, I shouldn't care, and thus like sand in a reflection garden, I rake over the thoughts...Clang and Chime.
Ironic?, "I just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..." -- Perhaps not, when it works.
Fortunately, I had a miracle the other day that I desperately needed...but that's another story.
in many ways the following statement makes sense and is all I have left, interpret as you may:
now I get to sleep.
The songs "Fuck you" by CeeLo and BreakEven by the Script pretty much have battled and melded into one restless emtotion.
The temporary solution, simple. Get off twitter. What you don't read can't hurt you.
The long term solution...also simple, get back to that place where I worry about only me and my bubble.
As I call on my Inner Pooh Bear (don't mock me-its my Taoist nature)-- I remind myself, what will be, will be, and what won't, won't. Emotions such as jealousy, hurt, resentment are useless waste of energy...So too, is false spirit for Someone. I can fake happiness, but to whom? No one cares, I shouldn't care, and thus like sand in a reflection garden, I rake over the thoughts...Clang and Chime.
Ironic?, "I just prayed to a God that I don't believe in..." -- Perhaps not, when it works.
Fortunately, I had a miracle the other day that I desperately needed...but that's another story.
in many ways the following statement makes sense and is all I have left, interpret as you may:
now I get to sleep.
How did you get my number?
When does friendly "catching up" cross the line?
How bout when the text after I say "I'm getting married" , reads "can you get pictures on your phone?"
Or maybe its when I don't respond, the next 6 text are some derrivative
"No, okay"
"Sorry, I just want to send you a picture of me and my daughter"?
"Did I say something wrong"
"Why won't you talk to me"
All this when I ran to the store and left my phone in my purse. Its three days later, and without another text fro me, I wake up to two more text.
So now I'm wondering how did this dude get my number? Also, while I won't label this guy a creep, I never "hung out" with this person. He's not someone I'd call a friend, and in fact I only "knew" to be polite to him because he was in an organization I had some respect for... Most importantly, I'm wishing I had a "block" like Facebook or AIM...Polite 'I am declining your FRIEND status.
No, I don't think I'm better than this guy. In fact, part of me sympathizes, thinking Aww, he must be a lonely guy reaching out? The other part of me is thankful for Facebook privacy settings.
----
In other news, let's see...I'm moving to SNOW, year round. Yeah, kind of a big deal, past Canada, up to the Northern Lights to live with Santa. I'm going to be an elf, ftr. How am I with the decision? Well, its not my choice. As I told many a peeps before, I'm a Military Wife first. That means, he moves, I follow. Period. So, I better be Yay,candy canes and moose because
Like it or not, that's my life for the next FOUR Years...Did I mention I was going to apply to be an e
Elf? I'm really excited about the possibility of striped socks. ;)
Speaking of occupations, I'm now a housewife...as the hubby and I decided, there's no real reason to work these next four months...um, yeah. How am I handeling that? Let's see, badly.
While the Martha Stewart gene didn't altogether skip me, it has been repressed. After all I didn't get 5 degrees to be suzy home-maker. But I do get to spend time wedding planning...and well, that Has to be done. Its almost a full time job. Almost...
Other news? I am "Wifey" of the year, as I decided to let the Hubby get the Uggliest Chair in the World. Yup. Mossy Oak in recliner form. The Big Man, "magnum series" catnapper, with heat and massage. I think a guys balls must grow two inches just by sitting in it...sigh. So, yeah. He's the envy of all his friends, I'm the good/cool/insert some complimentarydescriptive- wife.
Truth be told, its very comfortable, and no lies, I'm already seeing the days I get to rock asleep in it. Speaking of sleep, I now have a kitty on my chest, signalling its about time I go back to sleep.
xoxo,
DCGG
How bout when the text after I say "I'm getting married" , reads "can you get pictures on your phone?"
Or maybe its when I don't respond, the next 6 text are some derrivative
"No, okay"
"Sorry, I just want to send you a picture of me and my daughter"?
"Did I say something wrong"
"Why won't you talk to me"
All this when I ran to the store and left my phone in my purse. Its three days later, and without another text fro me, I wake up to two more text.
So now I'm wondering how did this dude get my number? Also, while I won't label this guy a creep, I never "hung out" with this person. He's not someone I'd call a friend, and in fact I only "knew" to be polite to him because he was in an organization I had some respect for... Most importantly, I'm wishing I had a "block" like Facebook or AIM...Polite 'I am declining your FRIEND status.
No, I don't think I'm better than this guy. In fact, part of me sympathizes, thinking Aww, he must be a lonely guy reaching out? The other part of me is thankful for Facebook privacy settings.
----
In other news, let's see...I'm moving to SNOW, year round. Yeah, kind of a big deal, past Canada, up to the Northern Lights to live with Santa. I'm going to be an elf, ftr. How am I with the decision? Well, its not my choice. As I told many a peeps before, I'm a Military Wife first. That means, he moves, I follow. Period. So, I better be Yay,candy canes and moose because
Like it or not, that's my life for the next FOUR Years...Did I mention I was going to apply to be an e
Elf? I'm really excited about the possibility of striped socks. ;)
Speaking of occupations, I'm now a housewife...as the hubby and I decided, there's no real reason to work these next four months...um, yeah. How am I handeling that? Let's see, badly.
While the Martha Stewart gene didn't altogether skip me, it has been repressed. After all I didn't get 5 degrees to be suzy home-maker. But I do get to spend time wedding planning...and well, that Has to be done. Its almost a full time job. Almost...
Other news? I am "Wifey" of the year, as I decided to let the Hubby get the Uggliest Chair in the World. Yup. Mossy Oak in recliner form. The Big Man, "magnum series" catnapper, with heat and massage. I think a guys balls must grow two inches just by sitting in it...sigh. So, yeah. He's the envy of all his friends, I'm the good/cool/insert some complimentarydescriptive- wife.
Truth be told, its very comfortable, and no lies, I'm already seeing the days I get to rock asleep in it. Speaking of sleep, I now have a kitty on my chest, signalling its about time I go back to sleep.
xoxo,
DCGG
Pills, Pals, the Past, and a Present?
Maybe its the new house?
I wake up, and take two pills to "start my morning." Aww. Cafeine in capsule form.
and then at midnight, when I should be exhausted. Two more pills to keep me from looking at the ceiling. 100% Natural for those checking, and should the Charector and Fitness committee come looking, Green Tea extract to Rosehips and Lavender.
But it disturbs me that its becoming necessary. I find myself in a sleepless, restless place lately. Pondering things I shouldn't. Like, why after all these years, would one guy tell me he loved me, now? Knowing I have a date at the alter. Why do I work out relentlessly and drink my one shake for breakfast, one shake for lunch, kill me now, just to look good in a white dress, I'm praying will make other men bite their lip. Why does it bother me to see status updates on someone that was never really mine, bother me when I want him to be happy? Why, especially, when my profile picture proclaims to the world I am a-okay, 100%?
Dunno. So, I think on it. Midnight comes, and I'm thinking. Do I still have feelings for someone that isn't my husband? How far is too far? I think on other things. Why does hearing I love you from years ago still make me smile? I rationalize. I pychologize.
I like love. I like to love. I like being loved. And yes, I get it all.
The permanence, the security, the 45 sitting by, in my bed.
Endless, unconditional love. I got it. So sure a thing, I could bottle it, and save some for later.
Yeah, its damn good.
So, why am I up at night? Thinking.
This is the time, where fortunately, I seem to always be comforted by the back and forth of a friend on Twitter. Not @kanyewest, or @johncmayer who I contemplate daily from removing...
but a real friend, who when my twitter fails, I have his number and can back-and forth with. Yet, even there an underlying sexual tension. But one that at least has boundaries, to where I can say no, and the friendship survives. or he can say no, and still keep my pride in tact.
Sigh. I am a lucky lucky girl.
---But now to an update. Present Day.
What do you do when you get everything you want? Live Happily Ever After?
BUT...what if you had to choose between two dreams?
When it rains it pours, even in its abundant goodness. Which means...I'll be moving, Maybe?
All I know is there will be 7 days of decision making, and a regret will be present. Period.
Wish me luck. Love to you my universe.
xoxo, DCGG
I wake up, and take two pills to "start my morning." Aww. Cafeine in capsule form.
and then at midnight, when I should be exhausted. Two more pills to keep me from looking at the ceiling. 100% Natural for those checking, and should the Charector and Fitness committee come looking, Green Tea extract to Rosehips and Lavender.
But it disturbs me that its becoming necessary. I find myself in a sleepless, restless place lately. Pondering things I shouldn't. Like, why after all these years, would one guy tell me he loved me, now? Knowing I have a date at the alter. Why do I work out relentlessly and drink my one shake for breakfast, one shake for lunch, kill me now, just to look good in a white dress, I'm praying will make other men bite their lip. Why does it bother me to see status updates on someone that was never really mine, bother me when I want him to be happy? Why, especially, when my profile picture proclaims to the world I am a-okay, 100%?
Dunno. So, I think on it. Midnight comes, and I'm thinking. Do I still have feelings for someone that isn't my husband? How far is too far? I think on other things. Why does hearing I love you from years ago still make me smile? I rationalize. I pychologize.
I like love. I like to love. I like being loved. And yes, I get it all.
The permanence, the security, the 45 sitting by, in my bed.
Endless, unconditional love. I got it. So sure a thing, I could bottle it, and save some for later.
Yeah, its damn good.
So, why am I up at night? Thinking.
This is the time, where fortunately, I seem to always be comforted by the back and forth of a friend on Twitter. Not @kanyewest, or @johncmayer who I contemplate daily from removing...
but a real friend, who when my twitter fails, I have his number and can back-and forth with. Yet, even there an underlying sexual tension. But one that at least has boundaries, to where I can say no, and the friendship survives. or he can say no, and still keep my pride in tact.
Sigh. I am a lucky lucky girl.
---But now to an update. Present Day.
What do you do when you get everything you want? Live Happily Ever After?
BUT...what if you had to choose between two dreams?
When it rains it pours, even in its abundant goodness. Which means...I'll be moving, Maybe?
All I know is there will be 7 days of decision making, and a regret will be present. Period.
Wish me luck. Love to you my universe.
xoxo, DCGG
It was my choice....
Compare and Contrast?
Mona Lisa Smile-----Set in 1952
Katherine Watson: It says here that you're pre-law. What law school are you going to go to?
Joan Brandwyn: I hadn't really thought about that. After I graduate, I plan on getting married.
Katherine Watson: And then?
Joan Brandwyn: [confused] And then... I'll be married.
My Living Room---yesterday
Friend: Where did you take the Bar?
Me: Maryland....I decided I needed to take the Bar before changing my name.
Friend: Why would that matter?
Me: If he moves, I'll follow. I'm a military wife first.
Friend: When did THAT happen???
Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.
Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose!
Joan Brandwyn: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.
Katherine Watson: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.
Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.
Katherine Watson: I didn't say that.
Joan Brandwyn: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.
Mona Lisa Smile-----Set in 1952
Katherine Watson: It says here that you're pre-law. What law school are you going to go to?
Joan Brandwyn: I hadn't really thought about that. After I graduate, I plan on getting married.
Katherine Watson: And then?
Joan Brandwyn: [confused] And then... I'll be married.
My Living Room---yesterday
Friend: Where did you take the Bar?
Me: Maryland....I decided I needed to take the Bar before changing my name.
Friend: Why would that matter?
Me: If he moves, I'll follow. I'm a military wife first.
Friend: When did THAT happen???
Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.
Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose!
Joan Brandwyn: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.
Katherine Watson: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.
Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.
Katherine Watson: I didn't say that.
Joan Brandwyn: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.
The Truth About Jane....
-compelling story. But that's yet still another part of my life, and all of my baby sisters... Good, sad stuff.
Here's the Wednesday Horoscope.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Share. No matter how good you are at showing your positive side, you still may feel as if there are some things you should keep to yourself. Nevertheless, it isn't likely that you're shy about revealing what you want others to know. Your boundaries are being redefined now and you may be pushing for more resolution than is possible. It's smart to know where to stop, before you find yourself out on thin ice. However, if you stay conscious of what's going on, you won't slip and say too much.
Here's the Wednesday Horoscope.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Share. No matter how good you are at showing your positive side, you still may feel as if there are some things you should keep to yourself. Nevertheless, it isn't likely that you're shy about revealing what you want others to know. Your boundaries are being redefined now and you may be pushing for more resolution than is possible. It's smart to know where to stop, before you find yourself out on thin ice. However, if you stay conscious of what's going on, you won't slip and say too much.
Caution: It's about to get deeper than ever...
Dear Universe,
It's 12:40am. I'll be up in five hours, but I can't sleep. The "everything" I want to write keeps swirling in my head...but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be on the page. As I'm sure I'll twist and turn in bed till its out, I want to push myself....because tonight, I want to go back to bed.
THUS....WARNING: ------------------------------
Consider this the Caution Lights. Those of the faint of heart should turn around now. This isn't going to be another failed love story, a corky insight on life, or my latest review on a musical lyric. On second thought, there will be lyrics: perhaps this one fits the moment best:
"You caught me at the most pivotal moments" ...
"Let's face it, it's a sad situation when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations
But I don't have the patience, I get straight to the point
So this is me at my most honest
No egos, no Gym Class status, just Travis
Love it or leave it, but you gotta admit
On a scale of 1 to awesome I'm the shit
Just get over it, it happened god damnit, I'd been waiting too long
I even wrote a song about, like to hear it, here it go..."
-----------------
With that said: You've been warned.
I came to a realization. An epiphany. But, let's work up to it...in small doses.
--I've come to realize this blog is read for very few of its "intended recipients."
For instance, if you were to turn to "letter one", and if you had the slightest inclination that I was that transparent, you'd be right...I am. and while these have always been "Letters to No One." I always hoped they reached Someone...or anyone...or an audience. In no particular order.
I wanted to be heard. By the boyfriend or the best friend, the lover, or the scandal of last night.
So here it is, deeper waters....
Once upon a time, before "blogging" and some time before Engagement One ended, and Engagement Two began...I used to write in a journal.
I actually wrote to my unborn baby brother...my mother was pregnant at the time...and I thought, maybe if I could write it all down, this brother who would be almost 18 years my younger, could learn from me...or at least learn about who i was. in that moment.
I knew I'd be embarrassed, or too old to remember, or unrelatable. And I wanted this unborn child to know what i felt at that moment. the good, the bad, but the honest, for whatever it held....
My brother is 11 now, and has no knowledge of this blog, or the bound journal hidden on my bookshelf.
Before that journal there was only one other "writing"...only one other pouring out of honesty, for the sake of expressing an event in my life. This is housed in an even further hidden corner, as the last file on the bottom of a filing cabinet: a thin black spiral notebook.
In "long" as opposed to in short: In this black spiral are the events of the afternoon, that led to the a year of chaos. It describes the afternoon, that still keeps me up some nights...The afternoon, that to this day when I'm in the "land of enchantment" I will always be scared to see the man that "would take what he wanted", tears be damned. Sadly, this thin, thin, spiral keeps the details, that when I fall asleep on the couch and my husband wakes me up with a kiss, I still sometimes awake startled and unintentionally scream.
Yeah, we won't get much deeper. Child hood divorce and getting smacked a few times, was a tame start...For the most part I had a rough, but pretty "normal" childhood.
So,yeah....Does law school seems kind of awkward for such a by-product? Maybe you're on the side, that it seems "fitting."
Here's the truth: I wanted to be an attorney since I was a kid. I don't ever remember ever wanting to do anything different. It was my drive since I understood motivation. Get the grades, get away from the parents, get into college, any college, get the grades, get the degrees, get into law school, any law school, ....pause, GET into the law school you think you want....get the grades, get the degree, get the internships, get the money to take thee Bar classes, and "ta-da"...now present day... The need to pass the bar...to be a licensed attorney.
To get the job, you said you've always wanted.
Set a goal, work towards the goal,get everything thrown in your way, work harder, achieve the goal. Its what I've always done.
So now you see, up until this point, everything else has always been just that. The "everything else."
The loves lost, the friends moved-on from, the sorority pledge nights, the soldier who broke my heart, the guys "best friend" that mended them...
They're all the thread of the blanket in the background.
Some do stand out. The readers of the blog know this. Up until today, I was pretty damn sure SOMEONE may still want me more than I needed him.
Up until tonight, I thought any one of my "followers" might be a little heart-broken over the invitation I've actually cried over sending...I actually worried about the best friend that hasn't called since I broke his heart and told him I found yet "another guy"...And lets face it. I've been no angel, I put THAT guy through hell. From the NFL player to the late night text messages to anyone but him, I deserved to never be talked to again. And yet, I've always been so sentimental. I've always held on to the friendships that fell in and out of love.
All this I'm smack dab in the middle of my Cinderella story.... I'm seven days from the make or break of achieving the goal. Three stupid letters to equal the abbreviation of a life's dream. ESQ.
I am on the brink...and just tonight I realized that when its over, there's a "NOW WHAT?" to be answered.
And it has been answered. 109...well, 108 days, until a 129 guest listed, and 0 RSVP'd wedding takes place. Less than a month until I move into a three bedroom home. SPECIFICALLY a three bedroom, because the planner in me is plotting 18 months until I can use the third bedroom for a little heart-beat.
Yes. I have that dream. A vintage Winnie the Pooh nursery. Brown, and beige. No cliche pinks or blues. A nursery where a child can be nurtured as this little being and gift....
AND this is where the epiphany came in...I have a man that is kissing my forehead each evening and each morning, despite all the insanity. Despite all the past. Despite all the "guy friends." Despite my brokenness, and driven ambition.
My husband has stuck around since the beginning. He still opens the car door. I scream, and I cry, and I get wrapped in emotional battles of what could have been, and he just sits patiently, waiting on me to return to him.
My husband doesn't even get alarmed anymore when he finds that I've moved to the couch in the middle of the night, or haven't moved from there since I've studied there all day. But tonight for the first time, from five feet away, he sent me a instant message..."if you're done reading, I'd like to hold you, but if you're busy, I'll wait."
It didn't hit. I read another chapter. I crawled into bed after, only to have him hold me, and tell me he loved me.
Then it hit. I cried.
Me...the same girl who after a two year engagement, walked away and didn't shed a tear. The same girl, who after a black spiral notebook worth of trama, locked it up in a file, only to "move on."
I cried and realized for the first time in my life, I had not only something to lose, but that I had a husband not willing to give up on me, even when I could give up on anything including the "dream."
I cried, and he asked what was wrong. I apologized. Through tears I told him I was sorry I slept on the couch.
But I cried because IT HIT. Everything I was doing wrong....or at least didn't see:
I cried because I put quizzes before ordering a wedding dress. I cried because I talked to guys who liked me as a friend, the same way I liked them as a friend, but because deep down I wanted them to always miss me more. I cried because I let my friendships fade. I cried because I missed my family. I cried for no damn reason, other than I had almost let life slip right past me. I cried because I have seven more days....
I cried, and he held me. I cried. And then, finally, without my saying anything of what I felt, of what I had ever posted.... Then, out of nowhere, my husband said it was okay, that I couldn't lose him, that he was never leaving. For the first time, I can ever remember in my life, I cried because I was happy.
With that on the page...the moment which isn't recorded for anyone in particular, I think I may have finally written my first true "Letter to No One."
I think more may be forthcoming, but for now...I need to get to bed.
Good night Universe, and thank you.
It's 12:40am. I'll be up in five hours, but I can't sleep. The "everything" I want to write keeps swirling in my head...but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be on the page. As I'm sure I'll twist and turn in bed till its out, I want to push myself....because tonight, I want to go back to bed.
THUS....WARNING: ------------------------------
Consider this the Caution Lights. Those of the faint of heart should turn around now. This isn't going to be another failed love story, a corky insight on life, or my latest review on a musical lyric. On second thought, there will be lyrics: perhaps this one fits the moment best:
"You caught me at the most pivotal moments" ...
"Let's face it, it's a sad situation when we have to resort to keyboards as a means of making relations
But I don't have the patience, I get straight to the point
So this is me at my most honest
No egos, no Gym Class status, just Travis
Love it or leave it, but you gotta admit
On a scale of 1 to awesome I'm the shit
Just get over it, it happened god damnit, I'd been waiting too long
I even wrote a song about, like to hear it, here it go..."
-----------------
With that said: You've been warned.
I came to a realization. An epiphany. But, let's work up to it...in small doses.
--I've come to realize this blog is read for very few of its "intended recipients."
For instance, if you were to turn to "letter one", and if you had the slightest inclination that I was that transparent, you'd be right...I am. and while these have always been "Letters to No One." I always hoped they reached Someone...or anyone...or an audience. In no particular order.
I wanted to be heard. By the boyfriend or the best friend, the lover, or the scandal of last night.
So here it is, deeper waters....
Once upon a time, before "blogging" and some time before Engagement One ended, and Engagement Two began...I used to write in a journal.
I actually wrote to my unborn baby brother...my mother was pregnant at the time...and I thought, maybe if I could write it all down, this brother who would be almost 18 years my younger, could learn from me...or at least learn about who i was. in that moment.
I knew I'd be embarrassed, or too old to remember, or unrelatable. And I wanted this unborn child to know what i felt at that moment. the good, the bad, but the honest, for whatever it held....
My brother is 11 now, and has no knowledge of this blog, or the bound journal hidden on my bookshelf.
Before that journal there was only one other "writing"...only one other pouring out of honesty, for the sake of expressing an event in my life. This is housed in an even further hidden corner, as the last file on the bottom of a filing cabinet: a thin black spiral notebook.
In "long" as opposed to in short: In this black spiral are the events of the afternoon, that led to the a year of chaos. It describes the afternoon, that still keeps me up some nights...The afternoon, that to this day when I'm in the "land of enchantment" I will always be scared to see the man that "would take what he wanted", tears be damned. Sadly, this thin, thin, spiral keeps the details, that when I fall asleep on the couch and my husband wakes me up with a kiss, I still sometimes awake startled and unintentionally scream.
Yeah, we won't get much deeper. Child hood divorce and getting smacked a few times, was a tame start...For the most part I had a rough, but pretty "normal" childhood.
So,yeah....Does law school seems kind of awkward for such a by-product? Maybe you're on the side, that it seems "fitting."
Here's the truth: I wanted to be an attorney since I was a kid. I don't ever remember ever wanting to do anything different. It was my drive since I understood motivation. Get the grades, get away from the parents, get into college, any college, get the grades, get the degrees, get into law school, any law school, ....pause, GET into the law school you think you want....get the grades, get the degree, get the internships, get the money to take thee Bar classes, and "ta-da"...now present day... The need to pass the bar...to be a licensed attorney.
To get the job, you said you've always wanted.
Set a goal, work towards the goal,get everything thrown in your way, work harder, achieve the goal. Its what I've always done.
So now you see, up until this point, everything else has always been just that. The "everything else."
The loves lost, the friends moved-on from, the sorority pledge nights, the soldier who broke my heart, the guys "best friend" that mended them...
They're all the thread of the blanket in the background.
Some do stand out. The readers of the blog know this. Up until today, I was pretty damn sure SOMEONE may still want me more than I needed him.
Up until tonight, I thought any one of my "followers" might be a little heart-broken over the invitation I've actually cried over sending...I actually worried about the best friend that hasn't called since I broke his heart and told him I found yet "another guy"...And lets face it. I've been no angel, I put THAT guy through hell. From the NFL player to the late night text messages to anyone but him, I deserved to never be talked to again. And yet, I've always been so sentimental. I've always held on to the friendships that fell in and out of love.
All this I'm smack dab in the middle of my Cinderella story.... I'm seven days from the make or break of achieving the goal. Three stupid letters to equal the abbreviation of a life's dream. ESQ.
I am on the brink...and just tonight I realized that when its over, there's a "NOW WHAT?" to be answered.
And it has been answered. 109...well, 108 days, until a 129 guest listed, and 0 RSVP'd wedding takes place. Less than a month until I move into a three bedroom home. SPECIFICALLY a three bedroom, because the planner in me is plotting 18 months until I can use the third bedroom for a little heart-beat.
Yes. I have that dream. A vintage Winnie the Pooh nursery. Brown, and beige. No cliche pinks or blues. A nursery where a child can be nurtured as this little being and gift....
AND this is where the epiphany came in...I have a man that is kissing my forehead each evening and each morning, despite all the insanity. Despite all the past. Despite all the "guy friends." Despite my brokenness, and driven ambition.
My husband has stuck around since the beginning. He still opens the car door. I scream, and I cry, and I get wrapped in emotional battles of what could have been, and he just sits patiently, waiting on me to return to him.
My husband doesn't even get alarmed anymore when he finds that I've moved to the couch in the middle of the night, or haven't moved from there since I've studied there all day. But tonight for the first time, from five feet away, he sent me a instant message..."if you're done reading, I'd like to hold you, but if you're busy, I'll wait."
It didn't hit. I read another chapter. I crawled into bed after, only to have him hold me, and tell me he loved me.
Then it hit. I cried.
Me...the same girl who after a two year engagement, walked away and didn't shed a tear. The same girl, who after a black spiral notebook worth of trama, locked it up in a file, only to "move on."
I cried and realized for the first time in my life, I had not only something to lose, but that I had a husband not willing to give up on me, even when I could give up on anything including the "dream."
I cried, and he asked what was wrong. I apologized. Through tears I told him I was sorry I slept on the couch.
But I cried because IT HIT. Everything I was doing wrong....or at least didn't see:
I cried because I put quizzes before ordering a wedding dress. I cried because I talked to guys who liked me as a friend, the same way I liked them as a friend, but because deep down I wanted them to always miss me more. I cried because I let my friendships fade. I cried because I missed my family. I cried for no damn reason, other than I had almost let life slip right past me. I cried because I have seven more days....
I cried, and he held me. I cried. And then, finally, without my saying anything of what I felt, of what I had ever posted.... Then, out of nowhere, my husband said it was okay, that I couldn't lose him, that he was never leaving. For the first time, I can ever remember in my life, I cried because I was happy.
With that on the page...the moment which isn't recorded for anyone in particular, I think I may have finally written my first true "Letter to No One."
I think more may be forthcoming, but for now...I need to get to bed.
Good night Universe, and thank you.
restraining order
Let it hereby be enacted:
All rude people are to maintain a distance of 10 feet from me at all times.
Violations are punishable by Mayhem.
All rude people are to maintain a distance of 10 feet from me at all times.
Violations are punishable by Mayhem.
Fascinating
Booth: We’re talking It’s a Ten Commandments here! Thou shalt not commit adultery. One down from your personal favorite, thou shalt not murder.
Brennan: Oh So you believe Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mt Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines of two pieces of rock?
Booth: Yes. And that is why it’s on the Supreme Court.
Brennan: Fascinating.
Brennan: Oh So you believe Moses wandered the desert for 40 days, climbed Mt Sinai, at which point a supernatural force carved a convenient list of behavioral guidelines of two pieces of rock?
Booth: Yes. And that is why it’s on the Supreme Court.
Brennan: Fascinating.
My Husband the Hero...gave me poison ivy?
So, on his way to a party, that I am once again not attending....My spouse, while driving, is witness to a woman fainting, and literally falling into the river...
Naturally, he pulls over, and naturally he goes to her rescue.
Naturally, there would be stupid, itchy poison ivy.
After she is "rescued" he comes home...itching, scratching.
We rescue him...soap, alcohol. He is fine. He goes to his party. And now....I'm itchy. Hopefully, its all in my head...Hopefully.
Naturally, he pulls over, and naturally he goes to her rescue.
Naturally, there would be stupid, itchy poison ivy.
After she is "rescued" he comes home...itching, scratching.
We rescue him...soap, alcohol. He is fine. He goes to his party. And now....I'm itchy. Hopefully, its all in my head...Hopefully.
the musics loud enough so I can't hear you, but I can still feel you while I study
Heres the playlist I've got loud enough to make my ear drums bleed:
Stockholm City, by You Me
Oh, put your dancing shoes on, your best mood on, you know you're a killer tonight.
You got the mixtape flowing soon you're rolling down the streets of your home town.
Stockholm city it's a pity you don't shine like this every day,
Stockholm city it's a pity I know what you're trying to say.
Step it up step it up, you know you got it when you see her smiling
Step it up step it up thou it is hard you better keep on trying
Step it up step it up there's is too much to lose you won't regret it
Step it up step it up, there is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
Stockholm city it's a pity you don't shine like this every day,
Stockholm city it's a pity I know what you're trying to say.
Step it up step it up, you know you got it when you see her smiling
Step it up step it up thou it is hard you better keep on trying
Step it up step it up there's is too much to lose you won't regret it
Step it up step it up, there is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
There is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
There is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
There is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
I Wish, The Secret Handshake
As You Sleep, Something Corporate
Time After Time, Elliot Minor
Into the Night, Santana
I Can, NaS
California Dreaming, The Flashbulb
She's Crafty, Beastie Boys
Grace Kelly, Mika
Incubus, Warning
Lover I Don't Have to Love, Bright Eyes
Figured You Out, NickleBack
Stockholm City, by You Me
Oh, put your dancing shoes on, your best mood on, you know you're a killer tonight.
You got the mixtape flowing soon you're rolling down the streets of your home town.
Stockholm city it's a pity you don't shine like this every day,
Stockholm city it's a pity I know what you're trying to say.
Step it up step it up, you know you got it when you see her smiling
Step it up step it up thou it is hard you better keep on trying
Step it up step it up there's is too much to lose you won't regret it
Step it up step it up, there is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
Stockholm city it's a pity you don't shine like this every day,
Stockholm city it's a pity I know what you're trying to say.
Step it up step it up, you know you got it when you see her smiling
Step it up step it up thou it is hard you better keep on trying
Step it up step it up there's is too much to lose you won't regret it
Step it up step it up, there is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
There is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
There is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
There is nightclub romance for the lone ones.
I Wish, The Secret Handshake
As You Sleep, Something Corporate
Time After Time, Elliot Minor
Into the Night, Santana
I Can, NaS
California Dreaming, The Flashbulb
She's Crafty, Beastie Boys
Grace Kelly, Mika
Incubus, Warning
Lover I Don't Have to Love, Bright Eyes
Figured You Out, NickleBack
Service for 8
J.A. Henckels Bellasera 45-Piece Flatware Set, Service for 8
Sadly, my mind is not where it should be.
The pages are begining to blur, and I'm begining to "not care"...."at all."
Ofcourse, like usual this will pass. BUT...to pass the time, I made use of the 6000+ Westlaw "points" I accumulated over my law school career and amidst the choices of a tennis bracelet (fake/cz, btw instantly making this a NON choice), a 5 piece luggage set, a wine chiller, and a large chrome clock....
I spoiled myself with MODERN flatware for 8.
Yes...because this will look so perfect with my ANTIQUE Lenox x-516 Princess DISCONTINUED, hoping to gain piece-by-piece, china collection I will be hoping to aquire over my lifetime.
But, my points, my choice.... Still waiting for an epiphany for Evidence.
epiphany: \i-ˈpi-fə-nē\: a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment
No One Lied, It really is that hard...
This is the letter I wrote to my Family, and it seems to sum it up:
Dear Family,
A quick personal note. I know [my fiance] has reached out to most of you to let you know that I have begun Bar Study. This means, while I have my phone, I'm asking that you use it for emergencies only, and please understand my unwillingness to communicate until July 31st (Day after Bar).
Thus, if you call, I will think it is an emergency, and will get to you asap. However,please know that my classes are M-F 9am to 2pm and is usually on Silent. Then I study, with my phone on silent...SO, yeah, I'm unreliable, but as usual [my fiance] can be reached. He's been really great. You all have, and I appreciate all the support.
As to "how I'm holding up" : I'm in my second week now. In short, I feel like a first year law student with Finals everyday. It's really, really, hard. (Sadly the wedding is the last thing on my mind, but please tell everyone how much I appreciate everything!!! and let [my fiance] know if I've let anything slip.)
Sigh. Well, I need to get back to it. I love and miss you all so much.
Yours,
DCGG
Dear Family,
A quick personal note. I know [my fiance] has reached out to most of you to let you know that I have begun Bar Study. This means, while I have my phone, I'm asking that you use it for emergencies only, and please understand my unwillingness to communicate until July 31st (Day after Bar).
Thus, if you call, I will think it is an emergency, and will get to you asap. However,please know that my classes are M-F 9am to 2pm and is usually on Silent. Then I study, with my phone on silent...SO, yeah, I'm unreliable, but as usual [my fiance] can be reached. He's been really great. You all have, and I appreciate all the support.
As to "how I'm holding up" : I'm in my second week now. In short, I feel like a first year law student with Finals everyday. It's really, really, hard. (Sadly the wedding is the last thing on my mind, but please tell everyone how much I appreciate everything!!! and let [my fiance] know if I've let anything slip.)
Sigh. Well, I need to get back to it. I love and miss you all so much.
Yours,
DCGG
Sigh...
I've had a few friends experiance heavier things lately, and I can only pray for their well being.
Otherwise, I'm tired and miss my friends tonight.
I've been missing them more and more lately. Last night I actually dreampt of seeing my Ex and removing my pictures out of his frames....frame by frame, I removed myself from his life.
I wonder if that's how I'm disappearing. Slowly and surely from the panes of my friends lives? Is that a necessity? Do we hold on to anyone absolutely? I would hope so.
I keep holding on to the pictures in my head...reaching out... perhaps trying to put my picture and words in the frames of anothers mind.
I don't know why...maybe it's the stress of the moment. Maybe its insecurity. Maybe I'm just looking for reciprocity.
Sigh...wishing you Light, and Lightness Universe
xoxo,
DCGG
Otherwise, I'm tired and miss my friends tonight.
I've been missing them more and more lately. Last night I actually dreampt of seeing my Ex and removing my pictures out of his frames....frame by frame, I removed myself from his life.
I wonder if that's how I'm disappearing. Slowly and surely from the panes of my friends lives? Is that a necessity? Do we hold on to anyone absolutely? I would hope so.
I keep holding on to the pictures in my head...reaching out... perhaps trying to put my picture and words in the frames of anothers mind.
I don't know why...maybe it's the stress of the moment. Maybe its insecurity. Maybe I'm just looking for reciprocity.
Sigh...wishing you Light, and Lightness Universe
xoxo,
DCGG
And the thunder rolls...
The bad thing about not waking up till 11am, is being wide awake until 2am..
Almost helpful for Bar review, but not really.
Soooo what tick tocs in my brain as I lay restlass looking at the lightning in a 3 glass door pain?
How the Heart became the organ associated with love...how did that happen?
Why not the mind? The skin? The soul even?
The thudding heart...
I remember only one time where I naively placed my hand on Someones heart and thought, if -I- did something right, how his heart could belong to me...
Maybe part of it does...but that's what's wrong with the heart...
It doesn't expand enough. Figuritively the Mind, not the brain but the mind, has no boundaries.
In my mind my love for everyone from my first High School fling to my nights asa a Soldiers call home are wrapped in their own compartments...love, lust, desire, taste, smell, touch, and back again. No one is forgotten...
And my mind ia only left with making all the boxes fit nicely...to be pulled out like the elements of my own private torts against women, and wives, and the sanctity of Romance...
Oh but how I do keep each thought treasured...and simultaneously find an unobscured, and pure and private corner for my love now.
I keep one little corner protected from any harm any other memory may suggest.
Heart? Seems so inappropriate foe this function. If someone out there can clue me in...
Otherwise I'll keep cataloging while the lightning strikes.
Almost helpful for Bar review, but not really.
Soooo what tick tocs in my brain as I lay restlass looking at the lightning in a 3 glass door pain?
How the Heart became the organ associated with love...how did that happen?
Why not the mind? The skin? The soul even?
The thudding heart...
I remember only one time where I naively placed my hand on Someones heart and thought, if -I- did something right, how his heart could belong to me...
Maybe part of it does...but that's what's wrong with the heart...
It doesn't expand enough. Figuritively the Mind, not the brain but the mind, has no boundaries.
In my mind my love for everyone from my first High School fling to my nights asa a Soldiers call home are wrapped in their own compartments...love, lust, desire, taste, smell, touch, and back again. No one is forgotten...
And my mind ia only left with making all the boxes fit nicely...to be pulled out like the elements of my own private torts against women, and wives, and the sanctity of Romance...
Oh but how I do keep each thought treasured...and simultaneously find an unobscured, and pure and private corner for my love now.
I keep one little corner protected from any harm any other memory may suggest.
Heart? Seems so inappropriate foe this function. If someone out there can clue me in...
Otherwise I'll keep cataloging while the lightning strikes.
U Black, Maybe
I have synced my iPod after 3 months of procrastinating the task...
namely because I'm back to the couch...
Imogen Heap to Panamore, Mos Def to Santanna....
Update; after vibrating all day and learning Someones every coordinate, I'm selectively checking in on twitter again...way to draining on the cell phone...
But now to the solitude of sound.
I heard the White Man's yes, is a Black maybe
namely because I'm back to the couch...
Imogen Heap to Panamore, Mos Def to Santanna....
Update; after vibrating all day and learning Someones every coordinate, I'm selectively checking in on twitter again...way to draining on the cell phone...
But now to the solitude of sound.
I heard the White Man's yes, is a Black maybe
I'm once again amazed anyone could consistently be interested in my ramblings...but surprise surprise...the audience holds fast...
Now the question is why?
Would you trust me in your life the way I trust you in mine?
Could you ever know me, more than the lines you read? Know you, more than the charector I see in my play?
I do wonder about you. Your happiness?
Deep down I think you'd smile and sigh to know you're in every post since I've known you...some far more painfully obvious than others.
Stay in my life, you'll stay in my heart...and somewhere, sometimes, Someone in my rant.
Now the question is why?
Would you trust me in your life the way I trust you in mine?
Could you ever know me, more than the lines you read? Know you, more than the charector I see in my play?
I do wonder about you. Your happiness?
Deep down I think you'd smile and sigh to know you're in every post since I've known you...some far more painfully obvious than others.
Stay in my life, you'll stay in my heart...and somewhere, sometimes, Someone in my rant.
It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...
Well, its a good song...
As I cling to the couch that I will inevitably fall asleep on (to the dismay of the man in the bed three feet away)
...I thought Id post an answer to a question Someone had asked.
Most concisely, why after all this time did I send Someone a gift?
I have a tendancy to give gifts. I buy gifts because a person is on my mind. Sometimes, a lot of people are on my mind...but most of the time my mind seeks its constants.
I care too much. Feel too much. Love to easy. Hence the gifts. Why? Just because. Because I thought of you, or something reminded me of you. Because its the First Tuesday afterLast Monday, and ultimately, Why not?
I wonder if one day I will stop. Stop loving the men who never loved me?
I don't think I will. I think a little part of me will always love them. I'll always try to be the friend, the ear, the confort and solace.
But as I do have a man three feet away, that would give his dying breath for me, its easier to love the memories and nothing more. What could be, is now looked at as what once was...my dreams notwhithstanding.
Fortunately, no matter where I sleep...and for busy bodies who must know, I'm sleeping on the couch because he's studying for a final and I'm trying not to disturb him...
Nonetheless, I'm always happy to wake up.
Goodnight little universe...besos siempre.
As I cling to the couch that I will inevitably fall asleep on (to the dismay of the man in the bed three feet away)
...I thought Id post an answer to a question Someone had asked.
Most concisely, why after all this time did I send Someone a gift?
I have a tendancy to give gifts. I buy gifts because a person is on my mind. Sometimes, a lot of people are on my mind...but most of the time my mind seeks its constants.
I care too much. Feel too much. Love to easy. Hence the gifts. Why? Just because. Because I thought of you, or something reminded me of you. Because its the First Tuesday afterLast Monday, and ultimately, Why not?
I wonder if one day I will stop. Stop loving the men who never loved me?
I don't think I will. I think a little part of me will always love them. I'll always try to be the friend, the ear, the confort and solace.
But as I do have a man three feet away, that would give his dying breath for me, its easier to love the memories and nothing more. What could be, is now looked at as what once was...my dreams notwhithstanding.
Fortunately, no matter where I sleep...and for busy bodies who must know, I'm sleeping on the couch because he's studying for a final and I'm trying not to disturb him...
Nonetheless, I'm always happy to wake up.
Goodnight little universe...besos siempre.