LEtter to SIS

Well the following sums it up.....and stick a fork in me I'm done

Girl I am so tired. it's 4:06 am. and i get to be up and playing with kindergartners in 3 hours, can we say yay?
ugh. But anyways thank you so much again girl, i owe you my academic career. AWWW good job academic chair, always looking out, :)
ne-whoo, here ya go, call me asap if there are any problems, ULR "S"

Final Paper Instructions:
Print out Paper
Go to history department
Between Financial aid and El Centro
Go up the handicap ramp
Door on the left
Rm: 1075, check to make sure it says Linda Hall on Door.
(If lost ask receptionist or call me)
Slide paper under door 

I will love you forever,
And not get failed out of my graduate program 

K—that’s it, anything anything at all call or text me.

writing here, instead of writing the ex. don't know what i'm doing or what i'm thinking. don't want to hurt him anymore, and yet, i wonder why i hurt myself. i mean, honestly, why am i relapsing? is it because i know the dentist is a fantasy, because i know Marine will be leaving, because i am now making things up about C falling for D, which i still think is fairly true, but still unimportant???? really now. ugh, i'm so aggravated with myself. and this nervouse scratching began again. fuck, my whole left forearm is all red. grrr....
and then--and then, *deep breath*--i pissed him off, geese. i had no right, and you know, my bat. seriously, ugh, i hate finals, and stress, and i want to just go to law school already and be done with it.
i', going to join a nunnery
working on pancho villa ness, lovely, freak'n lovely--and why am i doing this i can hear my mom saying: (and I recite) "Because mom, I was so damn scared that he was truly going to hurt me, that I packed up my bags, quit my $17 dollar and hour job+ benefits, took incompletes for the semester, and ran back home to mommy."
right, sobering, but sad.
C is pissed. OMG. and i so deserve it. ugh, i hate it when i do this. take things out on him that the world caused, and i couldn't deal with. grrr
texting him now--shall we see?
lol. yeah and like a true best friend, he doesn't text me back, he calls, and now, i'm not only getting c's arms, but moms cookies, and beer, wow, and they ask me why i love him?

And yes i have internet, but writing from my phone is easier. great C has fallen for D. go freakin figure. well lovely. bound
to happen sometime. ugh. this will so change everything. well might as well get it over and done with. him and his under agers
Yeah on the plus side. that will be over quick, as i think she might think he's cute and besides i have 11 days to see how
quickly life can change. yeah. wow. my housemate

Someone once told me...

Lack of clarity in a personal relationship may be confusing now, for the more you try to grasp the truth, the farther away it seems to drift. If you don't understand exactly what's being expressed by someone close to you, don't struggle to get it right. Instead, just let it slide for a day or two. It will make more sense to you soon enough.

So are we tired of my phone messages? me too! Internet is now available at the CASA!!!! YAY yet again. But right now, Must complete these damn finals. I swear they will be the death of me. Um....plans for Juarez back on. Dentist still coming. J--you're a looser who needs to pay your phone bill (JK--thanks for the phone call and look forward to seeing you on the 2nd with your girl---Awww. Everyone say aww, Girlie Girl is staying with J! awww. And i know what her christmas gift is !!!! HEE HEE Shhhhh.) Okay, Prophet is being a looser and doesn't get leave til April! Ugh. Now everyone be mad. Hurr-rumph.  ummmm....I start my kindergarden class tommorrow! yay 6yr olds. what else. dentist, prophet, j, oh, 18 yr old boy is still a looser who owes me cash flow. grrr 25 bucks is still 25 bucks. Thats almost two Shinedown tickets! BTW--Shinedown, Sunshine, Jan 10th. You should go. 15 dollars pre sale. What else. hmmm. you know when people or things just pop in your life unexpectadely (i so can't spell right now, but yeah)--and then EVERYTHING reminds you of them (despite whether you wanted to be reminded or not???)

hmmm...so I'm sitting at a stop light and on the back of a truck is the quote:

"Racing is Life.

Everything before or after is just waiting"

And I'm like, Wow. and then I'm like, hmmmm. and then I'm like Damn, I'm going to be thinking of him all day aren't I. and I did. and I hate that.

Plus in addition. the housemate, D, has become completely obsessed with this boy, who as I keep relaying to her, is just a BOY!!!! WE shall call him PizzaBoy as a matter of fact. So she's all in love with PizzaBoy and is like blah, blah, blah, and what if, and blah. And i love this girl, but I realized, damn is this what I seemed like? and if so, damn. What's worse, if I probably cared enough to check, I'm sure the journals would show, yeah, I really was just as bad. And that not only creeps me out, but makes me feel really bad. So--mr. someone, if you ever read this, which I'm sure you don't cuz I'm sure you have a life, --like I'm sure no one reads-(see previous entries on my real friends never read--) BUT IF YA do stumble across this random foolishness sometime, damn, I'm sorry. I mean we had something pretty decent and ya know I really did manage to screw that up. yeah. sorry 'bout that. but still if you do read, you should know I recovered fast enough, lol, so I guess I wasn't that head sprung. lol. Well, ne-whoo-with that out of the way, maybe I'll finally get him out of my head.

which yes other boys in my head, my mother has now convinved me yet again that I made a good choice by leaving and with D's countdown to when the Dentist returns, (12 MORE DAYS--it's better than christmas!)--simultaniously running with the stepmoms countdown to when I'm heading to vegas, I'm thinking there all right.

So here is the countdown as we see them--

9 hours till party time with Marine. (and yes there are plans for him staying over--in the purely platonic, you should just spend the night, kinda way)

1 day, mas o menos, till I have two kindergarten classes and am employed at a real job! yay 

3 days till I pick up the reason I never think about slitting my wrist. Seriously if I ever lived for anyone, it truly is that kid.

3 days til juarez

 10 days till Christmas (which is another countdown in it self--the chant was to chisten ---- by Christmas: and NO this is no longer a goal nor desire)

um... 10 days I guess till i have my first ever Christmas away from family, but then thats 10 days from spending Christmas with C's family. Awww. yes, the invite did occur, and I am "formally invited."

and then theres 12 days for Dentist return and my proposed alope-ment

14 days till SanDi California

17 days til my return to this place but with a visit from J! yay. and then wow, a break???

yeah, like one whole week. hmmm. what to do???? well, theres Shinedown on the 10th with C.

OH DAMN I almost forgot. MARINE came to his descision. he leaves the 2nd for wyoming, leaving me and his girl behind. yeah, damn. he broke the news to me on monday over long islands and corona. hence, his staying at my place tonight. yeah, sadness. I'm gonna miss him. he was so fun. well, I have him tonight, so no worries til then right, right.

whats left? Petioning for an incomplete extension from last year, one more final still now recieved from a teacher, paying my tuition so I can enroll, and yeah, that Lambda thing. Which, yeah, I'm seriously starting that the second I'm done with finals. It's only 958 emails. Yeah. Only. Well, one step at a time right.

okay this is me not procrastinating and getting off. Afterall, C's opperant condioning is pretty effective, no contact till I'm done with Finals--harsh but truly motivating. 

k--til I'm bored again.  

Sitting in fingerprinting. waiting for D. she should arrive looking quite slutty, i hear
Listening to C's 5th compilation mix c.d.

He calls it opperant coditioning. but at least he's playful again. hmmm. new record. less than 48 hours.
So feeling out of it. i wasted a whole day. well i went to work. but didn't do my academics. grr me. perhaps good reason to
allow C to scold me. hmmm. he says santa said i was a bad girl. i tend to agree. oh well. i'm so good at being bad. O:-)
Must stop. oh. p.s. might have internet tomorrow :-)

I'm so unmotivated to write this paper!
Must shut off tv!
Oh no. Scrubs..."I can't do this on my own ~ I'm no Superman"
Omg. so cute. love that show. okay really. work
Ugh. and parental units are killing my weekend plans. grr

Does anyone ever read this?

Mood-Blah

Just curious, does anyone ever read this????
Where did my comments go?
 *sigh. Yeah. The Dentist returns. Life will be grand in a week.
speaking of visitors: The Prophet will be returning, as well as the 14 yr old royal cuteness.  YAY
Plans for break?
Well, hmmmm....quitting "the HOLE" so YAY, starting my job as an EA. hee hee.
The "good" housemate will be leaving town so, hmmm. ilicit behavior may occur.
um...random re-occurances in my life:
1. Playa Playa,--very odd, dating one of my sorrors I'm hearing. Hearing also, that he's saying I'm calling him---hmmm curious. Because you can check my inbound calls and, yeah, I think thats the other way around, but in the words of my cali friends--WHAT-EV
2. Mr. Someone has shown up on my buddy list again, I wonder if I'm off excile, or if he just finally has gotten online again? hmmm. Curious. You know what the, SERIOUSLY, aside from the weirdness I was going through, Mr. Someone truly was good times. He taught me alot, and besides I owe him for my musical incarnation
3. The Dentist will be returning.....AHHHHH! okay so I'm not trying to get excited, but seriously, if I go to Vegas I wouldn't be surprised. Of-course that wont happen but yeah, would I mind? yeah-no.

What else? hmmmm. J fix your phone looser. I'm poor too, but c'mon, don't be like 18 yr old scrub.

*sigh,. one day i will get the internet!!!!!!
like hopefully tonight?

Think I'm going to ditch work this week. No--seriously.
Got to get some academic stuff done. ON  THE REALS
*Sigh, Blah, so much happening, not enough time,
and YET---
I have time for sunset strolls with C, talks with C's mom, ---oooh ooooh, I should get cookies soon! Oh yes the privaledges of being C's "best friend"
yeah--that best friend thing. So funny, even his mom (as C put it last night) "swears we're together"
What on earth could give her that impression?
Well if anyone does read this, good luck on finals and what not. Damn, if anyone is out there, I miss ya'll..
You should write me!!!
well, talk to ya'll later little universe, I'll just keep living in it.
Muah--besitos.

Feel guilty; because in true 3rd grade style- I started it. and now yeah he feels bad. happy and relieved: because it gives
because i got what i wanted. sad because maybe that makes me awful.

And then...Just when you think there's no point. 1a.m. rolls around and C makes it all better. Yeah...Wow. feeling-Happy.
C always can make me happy. find my smile.

Want to talk to the ex- but no its for nothing
Think D is right. just want someone
Keep looking at his screen name... wanting to accidentally write him

Freud plus horny-ness does not make for a quiet evening
So i want to go out and my marine is nowhere to be found...
Worse yet i have relapsed something sic and miss the ex
Marine gone, miss the ex. C as always is the commit a phobe, i'm reading freud,and yeah...Wow
I AM AN IDIOT

second to everyone, primary to no one

Another go figure, as suspected, 18 yr old boy had a girlfriend.

HEE HEE. Sad for him... this time I found out by talking to HER (yesterdays events on "As the Ho' turns") rather then getting his lies or sloppy seconds for the very short duration I would have allowed him to stay in my life. Oh well. :)

True true, I was only playing a game but c'mon, why play with other peoples toys. No good. Bad karma.

On that note, song on the radio.

 

Karma
Lloyd Banks
(The Hunger For More)

[Chorus]
I am the one you denied
Brushed me off everytime tried
But im alright
I'm able to swallow my pride
And put all the bullshit to the side
If u ready to ride
Im down for a one night stand
I'll accept it any way that i can
Cuz i aint yo man
i'll try for whatever its worth
Just remember who played who first

simply put...go figure

i have returned to the world of internet. and life while not utterly simplistic and ideal, is for the most part better. "Instant"-ly I am connected with the sis, and the best friend, and let me tell you if there is anyone i miss more, than those two peoples pressence online, i mean, c'mon

in addition--here comes the go figure, un beknownst to myself apparently, i left my ex on the buddy list, and what should be the first thing that comes up is his away from iddle message--which of course leads to a chain of events, eventually leading to me checking his first ever but nonethe less present blog entry. can we say curriosity killed the cat.

speaking of--blogs and cats, well another pseudo-nym comes to mind (in the words of J) but the temptation to check My summer's someones blog kinda irks at me, perhaps the therapy or perhaps just common sense tells me it just surely isn't worth it.

in addition, new scene introduced to me by C, last week, myspace.com. me i'm staying the hell away for the mere fact that yes it was introduced to me by C, and it's not like i need to be reading his blog entries either. ugh. the blog, the death of us all right.?
just for my three drink tabultation: hee hee, i know right?
(to be explained later)
alright people, i'm back, so get those comments a posting. Damn, where did all my sister go at that? hmmmm.....
k shower now, blog more later. cuz you know what???? i got internet, and i can do that!!!!