After watching JARHEAD, I wonder how good I'll look in a USMC shirt. Ha ha.
So...I talk big...but, I'm trying J.

I erased numbers. I did...

Burning Question: How does one damn song make me miss someone so much?

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It's nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line


If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something?

Life tempts us with that which we can only have for a moment.

Oh well. Zen, baby, Zen...

"One of these days someone is going to come into your life and make you realize why it didn't work with any one else."

Brrr...Cold. So cold.

Okay. So given the "guy thing" as usual, I'm over analyzing...

So, instead I'm gonna go to bed. Yes, bed.

Not thinking of the concert I've missed. Just gonna let it go. Zen Master.

Lol. I wonder what my Philosophical Marine must think of my Zen attitude???

Lol. At least he has the background. "Zen Master" is a reference from my book, Autograph Man, in case some of ya'll missed it. --> I'm not  taking up Kabalah or anything...(Now, any intelligent person should get that)

Moving on...Sarah's on the radio. How serendipitous.

I really need to stop talking to men with girlfriends, wives, kids, etc... I want what I can't have. Tragic flaw. Is there a name for that? Like signalic complex?

I should call my other Marine. He said 10.

Don't you hate it when life tempts you with what is out of reach?

Awe. movie reflection: JARHEAD....um, having a girl who just broke up with a guy overseas...yeah. maybe not the best idea. In short, it made me call up my Marine, re-affirm not all women are bitches, and told him I would always be there.

I'm hungry. Mom hasn't cooked. Boo...

So.....yeah. After the movie, J "called me out."

I'm not okay... and thats okay...

but it seems I only miss him every 3 days or so. Other days. I'm good. Today looks to be good. But today, he comes off the cell phone. along with a dozen others...

The Criteria...

"He's just not that into me" = delete.

A night out with J. amazing as always. he lights up my life. :) Today the clearing of the cell phone begins.

This little light of mine...Good Morning Universe. :-)
Amazing when all things seem right. Wake up late. French toast is being made. C, J, and my Ksig are all in good spirits with
me; meaning, J will take me out tonight. Ksig's not mad for my foul behavior last visit, and C...well, we can all admit I'd be
lost without him...C who never reads this... may I confess, as I did to him Last night, without him, I prob couldn't go back.
I mean, can I survive without him, undoubtedly. would i want to...eh, not so much. C is a constant. boys come and go. sorority
brings its challenges. but C remains. School starts and ends. C is still there. truly. when he's mad. and I've caused it. lol.
yeah. I'd rather be naked at school then deal with the guilt he can create...
Oh well, he's happy now. and that makes me happy. the 48 hour time limit has expired on my friend from the past...shame.
I liked him. but as the book says. If he likes you, he'll call.

Autograph Man. great book. done. to be gifted to my Favorite soon.
J will be picking me up tomorrow.

awe. life in el paso. family feuds. tons of cable, no internet.
Watching music choice. alex's came. why don't you and I plays in background.
I've always loved that song. always nails an emotion. why don't you and I get together, take on the world, then straight on to

after failed attempts to reach a compassionate ear, i settled upon my blog. i therefore apologize in advance for the emo.
One. i'm native. this damn holiday can have really bad implications for me. interna ish.
2 I'm a child of divorce. every holiday is the big "Who do you love more" war waged between imaginary foes that could never
win, even if they did keep score.
Presently. i'm calm. missing family or rather loved ones of new mexico...i love being with my siblings, but like split parents
, theses never anything toad done about the lack of time and inadequacy i feel towards my responsibilities of being a big sist
presently i'm tired. i'm confused as to which men in my life want me in their life and to what capacity, but i'm trying to
Give till sunday evening so, that I may fung-shai my room.
After that. we'll try the clean lines drawn in the ever sifting quick sand of our worlds
I miss the illusion of closeness. intimacy, clarity, simplicity.
all currents are great at the illusion. but i want the real deal and am ready to lose for it.

On the road again... yee haw. Texas, now. :(
Yeah the big parade manana. j if you're reading, come buy your girl a hot chocolate...
So. i'm listening to DMB...you're like my best friend...I was dreamin'...DREAM GIRL...

zen moment: a girl on the playground is crying. Her mom had to go back to work after spending lunch with her, I tell her we
must be thankful for the time we have with our loved ones. even if it is for just a short while...
Later, the same girl is crying...her friends wont play with her. I tell her,"You know, even though It's nice to have friends
to always remind you, you're still a beautiful, smart, and awesome girl without them."
So...I bought a full length mirror today...maybe I'll start looking into it as these pearls of wisdom so easily hush the
tears of a 6 year old.
Yes. the full length mirror. in celebration of my new single-ness. along with sexy curtains...some frames for my musical taste
...speaking of which I want a good black and white JM photo/cover to print for this framing project.
If not i'll have to go with Maroon 5 or AAR...good choices but...its all about finding the right images...
Fung Shui, baby, Fung Shui.
In related news...the blast from my past remains ever intriguing, child and all...
Critics may boo all they want but I love kids and I'm beyond thinking that at this point, life hasn't happened TO most of us.
Last entry on that. Long story short, he's got a girl in his life, and she's priority...i'm gonna respect their privacy.

Today I may have had yet another Zen moment...

"Dear Mandy, This is your future extremely good looking and awesome new boyfriend. I just wanted to reminded
you that I existed.
So...when you are ready to get rid of the losers you're with, i'll be here."
Agh. i am so high school! why do i let guys woo me so easily?

Room is beautiful. i look beautiful. So i guess no one here to see it is okay. right? right. :-\

Ah! room is being fung-shui-ed life is following. ah. the zen is overwhelming

Home sweet home. Where food is free and beds are made for two.
Things I've learned so far: My Sisters love me enough to wait 3 hours in traffic to see me, and I love my Sisters enough, not
to take their men, and freely share the company of my own.
I've learned no matter where you are, if you need to throw up, you will...Rodeo drive be damned.
I've learned I have many friends who will pick me up and take me to the airport.
I've learned...ooh. this one is a Ksig zen moment...even though you don't want a relationship, even though it will only be sex
...you should still never settle, and always keep high standards...best Ksig quote ever: "everyone you associate with is a
Reflection upon you and your taste." Long story short-Fuck buddies included. hmmm. the wisdom.
Given such a pearl of wisdom, I am now re-evaluating some choices...Another old boyfriend has begun calling me, and the
memories seem to be enticing both of us...but again, I find myself evaluating..just because you can...doesn't mean you should.
Zen. baby. Zen. but part of some zen is giving into pleasure...hmmm can't say I have it figured out..
Sleep is pulling me back to the warmth of my bed, and that empty space where another 98 degrees may easily lay.

Awe. he slept on the floor in a sleeping bag. que cute.

Club vertigo. ksig or lambda. decisions decisions

Presentation went okay. not great not horrid. met a brother from cal state. hope to see him tonight. talked to V about
Everything from c to religion. she missed her flight this morning. my kappa sig should pick me up today, but we'll see. if any
thing i have many standing offers from Sorors and Interest to chill with them :) If tonight goes well, maybe a brother will be
chivalrous and ensure my safe arrival to the airport manana.
I'm still missing C's formal, which makes me sad, but he hasn't called so I'm sure he's found some bottle blonde to adorn his
arm. ...I don't miss anything or anyone though. nice feeling actually. I wonder if anyone misses me?

Aside from Sisters, I have only just remembered- my first Frat Boy love resides in LA.
A Kappa Sig alum. Always the gentlemen, he has opened his house to me for my last Friday night and Sat morning in the City of
Angels. An offer, especially now that I'm Very single, may take up. Eh. We'll see.

Travelin' Light

Atmosphere

[Flight Announcement]

"Flight 101, Super Jet service for Pittsburgh and Los Angeles

will depart from Gate 12. Passengers may proceed into the

gate area for checking..." [faded out echoing]

 

[Slug]

(Oh yeah) Los Angeles, hot and bothered

Helicopters watch their daughters play parking lot soccer

A whole lot of love from the target's hide

Got a soul looking for a magic carpet ride

Environment, perfect for a hustle

Many people are distracted by the puzzle

And while they're not lookin', the angel got tooken

Welcome to the gray space between fingerprinting and booking

Do your best 'cause the lesson is love

It's enough to keep your head up, another day to get up

Wake up, and let the sun shine through the smog

Free the dialogue 'til everyone believes in God

L.A., to some it's hell, to some it's play

Pay the cover charge and watch what you say

The Barbie doll's caught, body parts come off

And I think she's a he...STOP, look at how it walks

They got the weirdoes, the talent, the beautiful

An arm and a leg for a one-story cubicle

And if the heat don't beat you, the pigs will

Everyone's relaxed, but no one can sit still

Los Angeles... I love it, I love it...

(Lips Glisten... believe 'em.)

 

"Ooh California highway... California my way."

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

Okay. new gripe about boys today. why can't they think???
This has nothing to do with i want/need a man bs. i'm content being single- thank you very much. i like fun and freedom. BUT-
How is it that most guys just don't get it. ug. and i don't mean me. i mean life. i'm easy to get. girl. sorority. grad studen
me in a nutshell. add sexually open and politically aware, and there ya go...But how do guys who say they want to know me...
Get denser each moment i'm around them? i mean. i know smart guys. they should comprehend little things like social injustice.
I'm not asking that they can quote malcom x. hell i'm not even asking that they like malcom x. but please for the love of god
Tell me you heard about him somewhere. anywhere. geesh
You know what-This is sexist-I'd go lesbian if i thought i'd avoid stupid females. but they are just as bad. maybe It's true..
Maybe i'm destined to be with a socio-politically consious male who still believes in chivalry. *Sigh. i just thought there
Was more of a pool to draw from.
Ug. double ug. but i'd rather be alone than with poor company. Boooooo.

Amazing what a weekend can change.
everything changes, but it's all the same
Not emo. not emo at all :)
Actually amazed. smiling. and just not sad, mad, etc.
I dare say happy ?

Its 5:32 am. and i dared move my vehicle. favor for a favor i guess.
Now...lets do some math. 3 people live in this house, we all only own 1 vehicle. I just moved the car so someone could leave;
So question is, whose red car is that? and will i meet them in the morning? hmmm in related news my favorite pledge was so
Sweet. he was totally prepared to catch grief just to make sure i got home,

Mr. Boots....

"To change one's life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions."

William James

charity work for the noontime, perhaps trouble for the evening... Offers stand, etc ;-)

So...one more day til my day off. and damn i can't wait. It's like early christmas.

So ug. my new curse word. ug. double ug. this is what happens when you read english jewish writing. you get philosophical,
well not really. but Autograph man. i should get paid to promote it.
Other news. the pledge i've come to adore has become very single. therefore, i shall avoid him at all cost, and text and write
Might as well be in another city. boys House has become off limits to me again i think...
Actually thats not true i get many standing offers, however those with nobility gracefully bow out.

I got three emails. count them three. i'm "Euphoric" according to C, glowing according to a co-worker. All I know is Today is
a better day, knowing he's safe...He doesn't know it yet, but my sorority sisters will be sending him Christmas in a box.
Leave it to women, when their men are away, we'll do anything to make sure they feel like we're right there.
Because you know, nothing says i love you like chapstick and AA batteries for your whole unit :)
I'm silly i know. boooo on me. no one wants to hear about him. i read other peoples blog's who do that-Talk about their sig.
other- makes for bleh reading. SPEAKING OF WHICH. hee hee. i read some entries. intriguing to get a window into others lives.
I try not to read to often, its like dramatic television, before you know you're addicted and your life passes you by while
too busy looking into somebody elses
Speaking of... i made myself participate in yet another sleep over. very odd. this socialization with girls. i still prefer
the company of guys, but at present, they are all trying to get a girl, have a girl, have a wife, or want more than friendship
The latter being completely okay, except without doubt, its always the guys i want friendship with that want more, and the
Guys i end up wanting, that want only friendship.
Me. i say go figure. my housemate, ms.v, says its bad karma at this point anyway to get involved with anyone else.
Whole heartedly, i can admit i'm weak. distance does not make the heart grow fonder, it creates doubt. and questions, and
Choices... me personally. i'm weak. i enjoy having fun and instant gratification. fortunately all my wants are untouchable.
Which is prob psycho analytical. creating wants outside your reach, therefore making it impossible to fail despite your
temptations. creating that fail safe envioromnent. eg. wanting to break your diet but not having chocolate at the house, or
wanting someones boyfriend but knowing its too unlikely and therefore its easier to flirt with him, then say the single guy at
the bar. both are okay, as long as they stop before feelings get involved...but like i said, i know i'm weak.
So glad i never gave that guy my number in the end.
Anywho, C has a cold that i might be getting. which is weird cuz i haven't so much as seen him for 2 weeks.

C, i wish you the best. I wish i could be a better friend.

Okay. boo. s should be asleep. but i just had a great day. my area's are doing good. my committee is wonderful. i love my ls's
My chapter might die but sisters across the nation "Get it" and thats enough for me.
Selfish aside, autograph man is still fabulous although i didn't read and only got to chapter 2 last night.
Hee hee. okay now really selfish...i've started telling sorrors about mr.boots. While not incredibly Wow, its huge for me.
I mean huge. by telling girls i'm committee to this one guy. thats it. thats so it. i'm marked the loyal girl waiting and
I'll be expected to play the role. now fortunately, they're hundreds of miles away, and like mr.boots, subject to my
Interpretation of loyalty, commitment and fidelity. Now don't judge. subconsgously we all know everyone plays the game.
Some just better than other. some just more upfront. me personally. i dont put myself in a comprimising position of commitment
Thereby eliminating guilt, most judgement, and my sense of wasting time...
Overall though. i can rationalize. and thats key.
I can't comprehend falling, but i sure know how to justify catching myself.

Autograph Man. read it. its good.
I find myself caught between to worker. that which is and that which could be. like my pledging days once enlightened me to do
I know i must be prepared for sacrifice. i must give up comfort and work for what i already know could be mine: figurative or
not. i miss my soldier, but know he's not mine to miss. i also realize, he is only a question away from being mine. or not.
Its all really simple. Do you want me to wait? Do you want this to be real...the real trouble lies in accepting his answer.