I say this all in jest, as I have been locked out of my house at -15 for six hours --which is why I always have a fire starter on hand now. I am now also going through my second winter, where there is no sunlight, and where most people slowly sink into depression. This is what really kills you in the Tundra. The one thing every survival show has gotten right, is it's not the freezing that will kill you, its the will to live, and your lack of thereof, that will eventually do you in.
I am hanging on by a thread, and as I wrote my only real girl friend, I see how difficult it truly is to Survive the Frozen Tundra...here's the update-- with names/details slightly obscured.
Dearest Kitten...
Forgive me. I confess upfront that I am in an emotional state right now, but I felt I shouldn't put off this letter to you any longer. I really didn't want to be "that person"--the whiner, the complainer. But I am, and so I'll try to answer what was asked and give you the shortest possible version with minimum complaint..as if that was possible. :)
To begin, all in all, I would say everything is fine, but it is far from. Due to the Civilian Hiring Freeze, the "emergency" job I was hired for with -- is now basically "non-existent." The job was one of the many budgetary cuts necessary for the base. I'm suddenly not "that" critical..But oddly, the "job" is still due to open, at some time, non-specified, when budgeting allows. My Husband keeps his hopes on it, but I've pretty much called it a lost cause. I've considered taking on other "non-legal" jobs, but the downfall is that the student loan agencies have grown restless, and they want there money. Sadly, I can't even get a job in the "legal-aid" part of Alaska, as Lawyers here are few, but jobs here are fewer. Of the FIVE attorneys admitted, three are clerks, and one is a paralegal. And then there's me. Do you know I could get paid more working at the supermarket than what they pay a paralegal.(28k a year, that's it, no benefits)..It's outrageous. All that work, to be a paralegal. It's laughable.
So, as stated before, I am considering, "non-legal" work or rather I should say "pseudo-legal" work as you need "experience" or a JD to apply, but here are the options: I could either take a job to assist families of casualties lost at war,....fun, --OR-- work at the medical center, working on claims against the hospital. Either way, it seems like a tremendous amount of work, without any of that whole "swearing-in", passing the bar, stuff mattering. It's rather disheartening. I could take a stab in the dark and try to get hired on at a ten-person "FIRM" --, an hour each way from the house...but at - 40 and Ice on the road, I'm scared to die in my front yard. Nevertheless it may come to that.
At the moment, The Husband is on another Temporary Deployment--it only bothers me is that he escapes this frozen tundra without any idea as to how fortunate he is to return to civilization. The dog is growing daily, and fortunately with his size, his pea brain is growing a wee bit, in which he is learning in the smallest way that I am not his chew toy. For the past four months, I have looked like I have been beaten...and I have been...by the dog. I have teeth marks on my arms that I don't ever think will go away. The Husband, of course says that I'm not strict enough....that at -40 the dog can survive just fine outside. Then again, Husband is never here so he doesn't have to see the dog whine and cry. Husband is always at work. You know, the dog doesn't even like to go outside with Husband. He's scared of my Husband, he respects my Husband, but somehow, I'm the one who got picked to to take care of the dog. The Husband leaves for deployment "soon" for the standard "six months". And he'll leave "his dog" right here, to eat me when I die in a snowbank in our front yard. It'll be the dog or the bears. I'll at least die knowing I passed the bar.
For the above reasons, I've begun looking for a new house. Something closer to "the city" or "the bigger city." Something with a yard in which I can let the dog run without fear that he'll be run over or eaten, or run away because well, he's a stupid dog and runs for blocks without coming back --like there are no dangers--and guess who gets to go trudging after him..... Well, god willing, I'll find that house with a fence. and god willing it will be something that we can afford. Hopefully, by a higher power's grace, this house will be near a job that can keep me as care free as my counter-part who is happy as a clam here.--You know, he is out of his mind stupid happy here. Instead of looking at houses to rent, he is looking at houses to BUY. He wants to stay here. Forever. For-Ev-Er.
I am trying Kitten. I've been trying for a good long time. I've kept busy. I let him have the dog. I put up with the dog. I studied for the bar, I passed the bar. I am a full fledged "Spouse" and I go to meetings, and I clip coupons, and I am trying to make this work...I made us all go take pictures with Santa, and I lie like crazy to my parents and tell them I'm happy, but I may die out here...
As to Kids. in case you're wondering. I became so disillusioned,....
.... I can't handle a dog alone, Kitten, I don't think I could handle a kid alone. Not out here. Not alone. Which is what I am. A lot of the time. Maybe after the deployment. Maybe after I learn to depend on myself again.
I hope that wasn't too much. I'm sorry if it was. I miss you both terribly. I love you, xoxox