Breathless

Tonight: Poetry Slam-- few words, and all seem inadequate.

I get the meaning of descriptives like "awesome,"  when I'm done with exhibitions like
these.

*sigh.....

The second performance, a free flow, goes by "The Sloan"-- yeah, threw an affirmation my way in spoken word,

"You are beautiful.
 Stand up.
Own it"
               --he says.

LOL...and if I did?

Can you tell I'm Reading my emails:

Forward from "P"

I'd like to add, Can you tell I have something on my mind?

Where's my "DON'T CATCH FEELINGS" T-shirt???
# 3, I blame this all on you--LOL, JK, I couldn't blame anyone if I tried.
Besides, I'm not in a blaming mood. Just a good one ;)

Read Slowly...

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. 

Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.

If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.


Have u ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own....

when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?

*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (Even if it is that you don't care anymore)

*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?


*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am a friend with all of my family and they know I love them? *

People live, but people die.  I want to tell you that
you are a friend.

If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)
you would be in my heart.
Would I be in yours?

Forward from 15: HOLDING IT DOWN

A good woman is proud of herself. She respects herself and others. She
is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person
she is with, nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite
capable of articulating her needs.

A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams
come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes
that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken
for granted, it soon disappears.

A good woman has a dash of inspiration, a dabble of endurance. She
knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential
God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and
moves toward the future.

A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her
playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does
not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she
understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to
bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love.

Girl Smile.....YOU KNOW YOU HAVE IT GOING ON! ......So Keep ON Keeping On.

Got The Killers in my head. Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend...
Anyways. So ahead and on top of things i'm smiling. locking myself in Zim has been awesome. So ahead, I'm even going to catch a
Poetry Slam this Thurs. :)
I'm looking forward to it and will continue to work hard to earn my little self reward.
It may seem petty but time is always of the essence and how and who I choose to spend it with shows my dedication.
All in all I'm happy I've prioritized. It seems like everything has fallen into place just in time and I can finally enjoy
getting a little of what I continually put out... I gotta admit, It's nice :)

Wow. I don't know if its been all the positive people coming into my life or just my acceptance of things as they are but Wow
I feel awesome. I'm a week ahead in homework. i'm on time for work. bills are paid. could it be the lack of loser boys in my
life? lol. prob not. maybe. just maybe It's my comfort in allowing Someone back into my life.
I know no one understands. But it really isn't for anyone to get. I think thats key. I don't even get it. Lol. it might not
even exist. but i'm happy without and i'll be happy with. If anything, It's a broadned way of thinking, a re-introduction to
a musical culture I can now not go crazed over, and 98.6 degrees of comfort I welcome.
So I'm laying in bed. smiling. listening to the rain. Take 5 Seconds everyone. Do what it is that makes you happy.

Some I've tried, Some I will try ;)

Forward from a Sorror:

WAIT!!!! Before that, much love to my Sorrors--TX, 1,3, and 4,  my Marine, Playa-Playa, J, J's Girlie (haha you have a birthday? what on earth could you be getting????hmmm...I know. hee hee) My 14-year old royal cuteness and enteroge, THE PROPHET who will be arriving on APRIL 7th (EVERYONE SMILE and say "Drunken Good Times") um, my side sisters "CUZ the BACK OF THE LINE, HOLDS it DOWN!" :)  and unfailing C. All of whom are my tru Familia....Thank you C (I know you don't read this, but...if ya ever did), you and your family mean the world to me. You know this, they know this, and I love you all for it.  Pero necessitan tortillas....
You all made my Easter so wonderful! and I don't even celebrate! But I do feel loved, so thank you. Besitos a todos.

Oh, and just so everyone who might read is caught up. With everything going on I know you might be questioning, but:
Yes, I am happy.
When I'm not happy, I fix it.
So no worries, I didn't give anyone permision to arrange me...

The world is mine, no one has to tell me this time.


102 WAYS TO COPE WITH STRESS
Get up 15 minutes earlier (DONE TODAY :))
Prepare for the morning the night before
Avoid tight fitting clothes
Avoid relying on chemical aids
Set appointments ahead
Don't rely on your memory! write it down
Practice preventive maintenance
Make duplicate keys
Say NO more often
Set priorities in your life
Avoid negative people
Use time wisely
Simplify meal times
Always make copies of important papers
Anticipate your needs
Repair anything that doesn't work properly
Ask for help with jobs you dislike
Break large tasks into bite size portions
Look at problems as challenges
Look at challenges differently
Unclutter your life
Smile
Be prepared for rain
Tickle a baby
Pet a friendly dog/cat (or get one in our case)
Don't know all the answers
Look for a silver lining
Say something nice to someone
Teach a kid to fly a kite
Walk in the rain
Schedule play time into every day
Take a bubble bath
Be aware of the decisions you make
Believe in yourself
Stop saying negative things to yourself
Visualize yourself winning
Develop your sense of humor
Stop thinking tomorrow will be a better today
Have goals for yourself
Dance a jig
Say hello to a stranger
Ask a friend for a hug
Look up to the stars
Practice breathing slowly
Learn to whistle a tune
Read a poem
Listen to a symphony
Watch a ballet
Read a story curled up in bed
Do a brand new thing
Stop a bad habit
Buy yourself a flower
Take time to smell the flowers
Find support from others
Do it today
Work at being cheerful and optimistic
Put safety first
Do everything in moderation
Pay attention to your appearance
Strive for Excellence NOT perfection
Stretch your limits a little each day
Look at a work of art
Hum a jingle
Maintain your weight
Plant a tree
Feed the birds
Practice grace under pressure
Stand up and stretch
Always have a plan
Learn a new doodle
Memorize a joke
Be responsible for your feelings
Learn to meet your own needs
Become a better listener
Know your limitations; let others
know them, too
Tell someone to have a good day in pig
Latin
Throw a paper airplane
Exercise every day
Get to work early
Clean out one closet
Play patty cake with a toddler
Go on a picnic
Take a different route to work
Leave work early (with permission)
Put air freshener in your car
Watch a movie and eat popcorn
Write a note to a far away friend (or TM them :))
Go to a ball game and scream
Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight
Recognize the importance of unconditional love
Remember that stress is an attitude
Keep a journal (ya think?)
Practice a monster smile
Remember you always have options
Have a support network of people, places, and things
Quit trying to fix other people
Get enough sleep
Talk less and listen more
Freely praise other people
Learn the correct words to an old song

BONUS: Relax, take each day at a time; you have the rest of your life
to live!

oh yeah. we have a dog now!!!

Happy Easter. love me.

"My anger has meant pain to me but it has also meant survival, and before I give it up I'm going to be sure that there is
something at least as powerful to replace it on the road to clarity." -Audre Lorde, "The Uses of Anger"
Gotta admit I began to ponder my road to Clarity.

Okay. so boredom from work...but let me share my latest dream. ~dreams which i'm not used to having! ~ Here it is:
I wake up panicked. Very Dorothy Style I feel like " you were there and you were there..."
So the weird scenario: I'm with my Ex, weird- but almost understandable. He popped up on my Buddy List
- so i'm with him going to a music class being taught by Mr. Someone!
It gets weirder. In the class is my other Ex Fiance, the Dentist.
Yeah ToTo he's not in Kansas or Cali anymore.
So we walk into the class, and all these men in my life are playing guitar. None of these guys play Guitar!!!
Well, Mr. Someone is running class and is trying to get everyone to play The star Spangled Banner. (Seriously don't ask me
what I was smoking.) So "The Class" doesnt take this seriously-Who would?- and this upsets Mr. Someone.
Now here comes the climax. Mr Someone demands pop quiz style for everyone to start performing individually
So...individual performances. A girl goes up to Mr. Someone and says she doesnt want to perform or rather can't.
So Mr. Someone turns on her and says he's going to fail her. Somehow he also makes an causation that because she's an Educatio
Major of not being able to perform. At this remark, this poor female begins sobbing and runs out to the hallway.
Realising his error Teacher goes to console her. I,however- being so upset, push homeboy out of the way and tell him "Don't
even. You've done enough." Apparently very tough in this dream. (Right) so I go and console this girl.
Girl is just so sad. I tell her he can't treat her like that... and I wake up mortified at how awful Mr. Someone appeared.
I wake up hot, sweaty, and confused. I am so alarmed, I lay back in bed, close my eyes shut and wish a small wish that even
my subconsious thought up such meanness.
So, the question is being begged. What does it all mean? Why am I dreaming suddenly? Am I just overworked? Thinking too much?
Defense mechanism against Catching Feelings? How do I feel.
Here's what happened. i got up. i showered.
I went to work. got bored off my mind.
So what does it all mean? it means i dream now. it means i'm normal. overall, it means nothing.

Ah ha. cali boy has a journal. Yay. lets delve into his so called life :-)

Return of the ex. wow. way to jack up my world
Also first day back to work. co-Worker mess. but handled with grace
Okay so adventures on greek row.
To reiterate: nothing happened

okay. so this is probably highly inappropriate to share but oh well. so i have this dream that me and my Marine sleep together
Not only highly unlikely but just weird. Weirdest part: blows my freaking world. Lol. okay. that was it. Suffice it to say I
woke up with a smile. ~~Just so its known, I don't dream like that so it was like Wow.
In other news: being alone on Spring Break Sucks. I hate away messages. Worse-> I hate seeing C online, knowing he's at work,
Meaning, i can't IM him anyways. grr. as he would say, "sucks and blows."
Okay. got a call from my Spring Break fast cash employer, todays my last day to be a bum
9am manana. joy. plus co-worker boy. ewe. well, i did want money.
I'm thinking 150 gross. 3 Days. not bad. Pays my credit card down to zero :)
Okay. enough chill'n. i've been waiting on the dentist to "Brb" - yeah, no.
Time to do, and make things happen :)

Honey I blew up the modem. Literally. This whole time, my internet was slow. just a warning. Blew up. Literally. In Smoke.
So yeah, facebook or IM me on my phone. *Shrug* Those who want, know the cell. :)
Anywho revisiting my summer music collecting. Amazingly I'm shocked at the self composed compilations, and those created by
others. Suffice it to say, I grew up a lot that summer. Still growing.
Trying still to remain content alone, not "Catch Feelings," and do. After all, I'm good. Nothings missing, right.

Not So Sentimental

The Facebook...Aw the joys.
Recently I stumbled across one of my sorrors pages, and for all the groups I regret not being able to join this one might be tops:  the "I'll cut you bitch" group.
I mean I'm not an angry person, and I prob would get my a$$ handed to me if i ever got into a fight, but-- LOL, doesn't it just sound cool?
anyways, was having a wonderful dia-- still kinda am, sleep has an amazing effect when you've been deprived for hmmm 38 hours?
Well over-rated,  but now, IM ON SPRING BREAK!!!!!!
yes, punks across my campus are slumping through the hallways but throughout the education department, you see everyone wearing a smile. APS free for one entire week.
I slept in til 9am! 9 am, sounds insane, but omg i felt over rested, life was grand
....
speaking of grandness--had a convo with HIM the other night, in oh so many words I let him know how I felt and he let me know how he felt, and long story short
He'll be dating--and I've been dating--neither have plans on stopping, "we" won't exist, and we're both okay with that. At the highlight of sentimental-ness, He told me he loved me (awwww)....and I told him I missed him (awwww some more) and then we concluded that with the perfect will and grace convo: should I still not have anyone in 7 yrs, he'll still be "my baby's daddy."
(and to answer my sorrors questions: Will it be in a clinic? or old school method? the answer i come to find out will be the latter--? So I guess when I'm 30, not only do I not need to be worried about being without child, I'm at least guaranteed one booty call?  )

Speaking of booty calls---
Employee boy--here's the novela update---drum roll please?  alright alright, I have ethics, not many but I've got em. I saw him today. I told him no.  Grrrr--worse thing is, ethics alone didn't contribute: in my head bounced: ethics, his non-cute factor, and me having to work with him in two days, can you say Weird?

So there it is, my pseudo- Spring Break-ness complete all by the first day of School:
HE is HIStory
Employee Boy got fired
Clovis boy, is in some other zip code, and he can stay there (although--he, was cute)

Yay.
Now my permanents:
C is dating someone, go him
J finally called, yay, he's not dead, (HOMIE CALL AGAIN)
Prophet rang up and left a voicemail that i still havent checked,
My Marine is hating life, but is getting paid Bens, so he'll deal and call me
Dentist is still utterly sweet and sends me kisses ever so often to remind me that there are good guys

Not so permanents:
The EX, who knows? C told me theres a brunette? according to the facebook he's with someone else though? hmmm. I'd be confused but don't care enough
NY Lambda: haha no love for me! after a interesting convo, I find out his chapter doesn't like my org. Can we say, ooops.
Cali "boyfriend": aw yes the precious 19 yr old, who knows maybe his other 30 yr old girlfriend kidnapped him. HAHA Surferboy, if you're reading drop me a line: home-skillet-biscuit.

Okay all BS aside:  Let's talk about the juice being worth the squeeze:
Due to recent events, I'm not gonna lie, there's something else going on. I don't know quite what it is, but I like it.  Whatever it is or isn't, I'm just gonna "go with it."
I know no one has the slightest idea what I'm talking about right now, but thats okay....my journal, my perogitive to be abstract. 
I'm just not trying to kill it this time.  But....to ease everyone--->
I'm happy. I still hold to being good alone is better than being not good with a lover.
I am responsible for my happiness and I'm doing pretty damn good.
But, if someone wanted to share that occasionally, --> yeah, I'd like that.

Sentimental

Congratulations:
Spring 2004, "Los Cinco Sentidos"

#1 "A"
#2 "F"
#3 "P"
#4 "F"
#5 "S"

Happy 1 year Anniversary!!
"S"

You can tell it's March when...

  A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
                                     one old love
                                 she can imagine
                                 going back to...
                                and one who reminds
                            her how far she has come...

   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

                            enough money within her
                              control to move out and
                              rent a place of her own
                              even if she never wants
                                 to or needs to...

   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

                          something perfect to wear if
                        the employer or date of her dreams
                           wants to see her in an hour.

  A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

                              a youth she's content
                                to leave behind....

                            a past juicy enough that
                             she's looking forward to
                           retelling it in her old age....

   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

                                a set of screwdrivers, a
                           cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

                            one friend who always makes
                          her laugh ... and one who lets her cry...

   A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

                            a good piece of furniture
                          not previously owned by anyone
                               else in her family...

                           eight matching plates, wine
                         glasses with stems, and a recipe
                           for a meal that will make her
                               guests feel honored.

    A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

                            a feeling of control over
                                  her destiny...

   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

                            how to fall in love without
                                   losing herself.

                                HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
                              BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
                               AND CONFRONT A FRIEND
                         WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

                            when to try harder ... and
                               WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

    EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

                            that she can't change the
                          length of her calves, the width
                         of her hips, or the nature of her
                                      parents....

                              that her childhood may not
                            have been perfect...but it's over...

   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

                           what she would and wouldn't
                              do for love or more...

   EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

                           how to live alone ... even if
                              she doesn't like it...

  EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

                              whom she can trust,
                                 whom she can't,
                            and why she shouldn't
                              take it personally...

                                  where to go...
                    be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
                         or a charming inn in the woods...
                          when her soul needs soothing...

    EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

                             what she can and can't
                               accomplish ina day...
                               a month...and a year.

FM Cacique
Subject: For Women from a Man


Especially for the Women



1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want
you, nothing can make him stay.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

4. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not
meant to be.

5. Slower is better.

6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you
truly happy.

7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as
you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't
mistreat a friend.

8. Don't settle.

9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be
mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

12. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he
treat you any differently?

13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something
bothers you, speak up.

15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you
later.

16. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.

17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you
are...Even if he has more education or a better job.

18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more
nothing less.

19. Never let a man define who you are.

20. Never borrow someone else's man.

21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

23. All men are NOT dogs.

24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...Compromise is
a two way street.

25. You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing
cute about baggage... Deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship.

26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...A
relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... Look for someone
complimentary, not supplementary.

27. Dating is fun...Even if he doesn't turn out tobe Mr. Right.

28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you
are and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for
granted.

29. Never move into his mother's house.

30. Never co-sign for a man. (Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)

31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that
you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.



Women, pass this on. You'll make someone smile, another re-think her
choices and another woman prepare. Guys, send this to the women you love
and the men who have to learn how to love women right. They say it
takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day
to love them, and an entire life to forget them

32 Hours. no excuses . but now as lunch gets made 20 min nap before the next 24

From moon shine to sun up. a lady's job is never done.

CALLING J

For the Past two weekends, my girls have created the Theme song...

Zuby Zuby Roo
Where R You...

(It just gets worse from there)

But...in the same light.....

J---WHERE R U?????? CALL A SISTER UP!!!!!
All my home-skillet biscuits are accounted for but you :)
--Lil bro's birthday is this Weekend. Your Fam so ofcourse you're invited.
PS. CAN WE ALL GIVE J A HAPPY BIRTHDAY--DELAYED BUT ALWAYS ACCOUNTED FOR.

I might be the only person in the world to be thinking that driving home to JM's Daughters is ironic. good night,great morning

In summary of tonights latest coversations: I hate boys. Now men. who knows. i have decided all i know are boys. men?
Any good men left out there?

Grr i hate my phone...
But as long as i'm on
He is sending mixed messages yet again. the dentist reminds me of what is so rare. and Co-worker any reminds me of what is so COMMON

I was there, and I still don't believe it...

If you have missed the Elustrious saga of "As the ho' turns" staring none other than your heroine, mua,-- I apparently do not plan on disappointing.

Temporarily a cancelled show do to a Temporary Stability and Happiness for 9 months solid
(grrr...*me trying not to be bitter)--
The heroine has once again been fleeted by true love and shown the tragic flaw in monogamy...
 (not tru, but it sounds better this way)--

Therefore, armed with nothing but her Stilletos, PIMPCESS-ness and a Cellphone, she makes her way back into the single world...

The setting Albuquerque to Clovis,  Clovis to Lubbock, and all the houseparties between:
Heres the recap:

Friday night, I call clovis boy and he starts telling me about his "girlfriend"--I'm like "What?"
20 minutes later, same boy calling me up is like "Hey Sugar, I'm sorry we can't see each other tonight, what about tommorrow night--We'll get a hotel room."--I'm like "What?"
Later that SAME night, He calls and boy is telling me "I can't wait to see you" "I'm looking forward to tommorow" and ...(cue music....dun dun dun...) "I love you"--I'm like "What?"

Next morning I'm like did last nights 2am convo happen, or am I dillusional?
I send him a text: "Are you still coming"
The response "On my way Sugar"
--Not only am I like "What," but I'm like "This boy is freaking me out"
That evening, I attempt to look as cute as actually possible from a single back pack of clothes, 4 hours of sleep and 30minutes prep time... What can you do?
Somehow, I think I pull it off.
Looking cute, rolling 7 deep, we make our way to the club, 30 minutes in, I've spotted him.
I shock myself...hmmm, in my drunken state of last weekend when he first picked me up, i didn't do all too bad...as my 4 put it..."we've established you like white boys, blonde hair and blue eyes"--"Not to bad" --Yeah, what can I say?
Well, so I spot him, talking to a girl... then, kissing said girl...and I'm like "What the..."
I hand my girls my jacket and attempt to go over there and scare the shit out of him with my pressence...
"That was cute," I say...
"Oh you like that?" he responds. 
I give him a look that says "are you seriously asking me that question?"
"Did that bother you?" he asks as he puts his arm around my waist.

"I don't care actually" Thinking to myself, why should I, it's not like I'm down here for you. In five seconds I rationalize -homeboy was used last weekend for vengence to be acted upon, he's at the bar and he's going to buy me a drink,  he pobably has a girlfriend, if that's not her, and you know what I just don't care.
*his hand creeps into my back pocket for placement...
"Is that your girlfriend?" I ask
"No ofcourse not. Just the last resorts--I didn't think you were coming"
"I'm here"
"I'm glad, what are you drinking"
"What are you buying"
"Anything you want"
Tequilla is ordered. Shots are taken. The first kiss is given.
He turns me around and "introduces" me to his boys. Hot boys. 5 of them.
"I'd like you to meet, blah blah, blah, and blah"  I catch no ones name but one "KY"
(short for kyle maybe?" Ky is hot I think to myself and kick myself for not seeing him the week before.
"Everyone" my Clovis hookup announces, "This is....My GIRLFRIEND"
Can we guess what's I'm thinking,...yeah I'm like "WHAT!?!?!"
Not knowing what to do other than play along, I shake hands politely, and lead him to be introduced to my girls "This is blah, blah, blah, blah,"
"Hi I'm Willard" --now for the first time, I've realized in my drunken state of last weekend, that I have programmed Homeboy's number into my phone under another name, have been calling him by another name, and now I am basically like "ummm...oops," but not feeling bad cuz boy has just introduced me as his girlfriend when we've like met once. So...on with the story.

He pulls me to the side and is like "Lets go"
"Where?"
"Not here"
Not far fetched to know he could care less and a hotel room, a bathroom, or in his pick up would suffice, as long as he could get ten minutes of alone time.
In a moment of hesitation, Ky comes by and is like "hey Kid we gotta go"
Now I'm like, "hmmmm, what should I do?"
He tells me "I guess I gotta go"
"Do what you have to do"
Five minutes later, we meet up outside the club.
He ask if the girls will drive him back to clovis if he spends the night with me I say "Sure"
he ask "Really"
I laugh and say "no not really"
He gets upset, and tells me, fine, let them pick you up, and attempts to take me by the arm to his boys truck.
Now, 1. I'm in stilletos, 2. Tequilla has started to kick in , and 3. I'm in the  mood to say, "The hell with it"--Fortunatelly like good sorrors, I can here my name being yelled through the crowd, I tell him sorry and maybe next time, he says next time he'll be in Florida. Tela-novela-ish I turn and say "well it was fun" and he pulls me in for a last kiss where he bites my bottom lip.
i go back with my girls to follow some psycho boys who have promised us beer in the oh so dry town of Lubbock, after two seconds two long of that we ditch them and attempt to make it to IHOP--hangout of hangouts apparently for after club cuisine.
So, I'm at one IHOP, Clovis boy is at another, he calls me, and tells me his friend KY thinks I'm cute. again, come on this is predictable, by now I've reallized this boys sole contact with me will always consist of me feeling like "What?"
So KY is into me, I'm like wow, I tell the boy who had just kissed me good bye, "Tell him I said Thanks" and hang up.
Text Messages throughout the night follow...."XOXO" he writes "Come over" "Take a cab" I write nothing, "Not the driver," and "sorry." accordingly
Worried this morning that homeboy is alive after tequilla shots and the hour drive that it took for him to have to see me for 15 minutes, I start it up again in the morning...
"Good morning sunshine, you okay"
As is his way, he calls...
Leaving on Wednesday for Florida, "on leave", then on to Korea,
I fake sad, and am like "What-EVER"
We conclude: well it was fun....and in a weird pycho, "Zuby Zuby Doo, Where are you..."  kinda way it was.

********NOW*********
In the meantime, I've been talking to another boy, "Co-worker boy."
All fun, all talk. Except now, (cue music...dun dun dun) He wants to meet up.
He wants to hook up.
He wants....well me.

Now I could get seriously explicit here, but really theres no need. It's as simple as above.

Will she or won't she give into reckless work flirtation?
Stay tuned in....
**********************

Okay so I realize this sounds like me way back into my summer rebound days, and you know what it is. I miss stability, and all those who provide a little sense of that.

My grades are slipping but I'm handeling it.
My Lambda obligations are immense and I'm handeling it.
My money is tight, handling it.
Family is tripp'n but handeling it
House is a hotel but handeling it
Obviously with the boys, I'm handeling it

It seems like any second I might drop one of the many balls I got juggling up inthe air, but somehow, I've made myself a pro. Even when things are dropping around me, it seemslike now I've got the ability to play hacky sack with my life and never let anything completely hit the floor.

Spring break for me will be more juggling, more work to maintain my hackey sack pro status so the rent remains stable, more studying on the off hours to make sure when I'm on, no one can jack the grades I need,  bringing family to me when I can't get to family, and just doing what needs to be done.

The wish: to win the lottery and be so financially secure I can pay all my loans for school, pay for law school, buy a house and a reliable car, and then have the boy I love, love me back, impregnate me, and  finally have a kid.
(Yes, those who know me, know I'm in this weird mid twenties thing of wanting a kid--it's weird, but....Since all of the above wont happen...)
The hopes: To make enough over break to pay for what needs to be taken care of plus one pair of jeans, utilize my time well enough to get two or three papers completely done for the semester, and somehow sqeeze in enough time to see my sorority expand, get enough "boy time" out of my system so I can concentrate for the remainder of the semester, and make time  to fix things with the people that I really do want in my life.
Now...as I told one such person, time to take a nap and make it all happen.

met and got over clovis boy

Clovis boy. He calls at 3am and tells me he loves me. yeah. did i mention he has a girlfriend.

One Flaw In Women 

By the time the Lord made woman, <o:p></o:p>

He was into his sixth day of working overtime. <o:p></o:p>

An angel appeared and said, <o:p></o:p>

"Why are you spending so much time on this one?" <o:p></o:p>

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? <o:p></o:p>

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, <o:p></o:p>

have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable <o:p></o:p>

and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, <o:p></o:p>

have a lap that can hold four children at one time, <o:p></o:p>

have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart <o:p></o:p>

-and she will do everything <o:p></o:p>

with only two hands." <o:p></o:p>

The angel was astounded at the requirements. <o:p></o:p>

"Only two hands!? No way! <o:p></o:p>

And that's just on the standard model? <o:p></o:p>

That's too much work for one day. <o:p></o:p>

Wait until tomorrow to finish." <o:p></o:p>

But I won't," the Lord protested. <o:p></o:p>

"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. <o:p></o:p>

She already heals herself when she is sick <o:p></o:p>

AND can work 18 hour days." <o:p></o:p>

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. <o:p></o:p>

"But you have made her so soft, Lord." <o:p></o:p>

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, <o:p></o:p>

"but I have also made her tough. <o:p></o:p>

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." <o:p></o:p>

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. <o:p></o:p>

The Lord replied, <o:p></o:p>

"Not only will she be able to think, <o:p></o:p>

she will be able to reason and negotiate." <o:p></o:p>

The angel then noticed something, <o:p></o:p>

and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. <o:p></o:p>

"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. <o:p></o:p>

I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." <o:p></o:p>

"That's not a leak," <o:p></o:p>

the Lord corrected, <o:p></o:p>

"that's a tear!" <o:p></o:p>

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked. <o:p></o:p>

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, <o:p></o:p>

her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, <o:p></o:p>

her loneliness, her grief and her pride." <o:p></o:p>

The angel was impressed. <o:p></o:p>

"You are a genius, Lord. <o:p></o:p>

You thought of everything! <o:p></o:p>

Woman is truly amazing." <o:p></o:p>

And she is! <o:p></o:p>

Women have strengths that amaze men. <o:p></o:p>

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, <o:p></o:p>

but they hold happiness, <o:p></o:p>

love and joy. <o:p></o:p>

They smile when they want to scream. <o:p></o:p>

They sing when they want to cry. <o:p></o:p>

They cry when they are happy <o:p></o:p>

and laugh when they are nervous. <o:p></o:p>

They fight for what they believe in. <o:p></o:p>

They stand up to injustice. <o:p></o:p>

They don't take "no" for an answer <o:p></o:p>

when they believe there is a better solution. <o:p></o:p>

They go without so their family can have. <o:p></o:p>

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. <o:p></o:p>

They love unconditionally. <o:p></o:p>

They cry when their children excel <o:p></o:p>

and cheer when their friends get awards. <o:p></o:p>

They are happy when they hear about <o:p></o:p>

a birth or a wedding. <o:p></o:p>

<pstyle ="text-align: center; font-family: arial;" align="center">Their hearts break when a friend dies. <o:p></o:p>

They grieve at the loss of a family member, <o:p></o:p>

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. <o:p></o:p>

They know that a hug and a kiss <o:p></o:p>

can heal a broken heart. <o:p></o:p>

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. <o:p></o:p>

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you <o:p></o:p>

to show how much they care about you. <o:p></o:p>

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. <o:p></o:p>

They bring joy, hope and love. <o:p></o:p>

<fontcolor ="maroon" size="1">They have compassion and ideals. <o:p></o:p>

They give moral support to their family and friends. <o:p></o:p>

Women have vital things to say and everything to give. <o:p></o:p>

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, <o:p></o:p>

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Day 2: Productivity again. Handeling what I need to handle, keeping out of trouble til the weekend, and packing a suitcase.

(Hmmm. There were some JM lyrics about home being where you put your suitcase down. It suddenly makes a lot of sense... I should go look those up, or maybe someone can enlighten us. Just a random thought.)

Calling my Marine shortly.  C is doing pretty cool from the one time I've spoken to him.  I know nothing of his personal life, and to be honest its better that way.

Speaking of bigger and better things. Clovis manana. I'm trying to get up the courage to talk to clovis boy. but as my East Coast girls would say....i'ma escared.

well marine must be attended to. then clovis. then NY. then if time permits, cali. lol. but really all i want is a place to call home, and a boy to call my own.

Day 1: productive. woke up sad realizing my spring break would begin and i could spend it alone. ten minutes pass and then I
remember today is one day closer to friday. one day closer to clovis. It's a band-aid, I know. In the end I choose to be happy

"the talk"

In brevity--
I talked, He listened.
I cried, He left.

Everything else is just details isn't it?
 
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should mention I cried but then stopped.
As in, as much as I wanted to make Him comprehend what it means to feel used, disrespected, etc...I realized He didn't get it. and He wasn't going to, and He probably never will. and after realizing this. It almost seemed okay.
So here I am. Not crying. Gonna do my homework. Going to go out tommorrow night as rebound therapy asigned by house mate. Hoping to get some studying done before hand. Zim my home away from home :)

as i cried-or didn't cry- on Thursday of last week. I realize I couldn't have put it any better than when i told my line sister, "It's like Pledging all over again. My whole world has been turned upside down. Feeling bad about it won't help. Nothing will.
I still have task after task to complete. All I can do is Do."

Bitter vengence acted out upon. wrong yes. feeling guilty not yet

100Th entry of the day. how is it i'm the one broken hearted, and HE's signing off?

The Tao of T

The discussion between ex's resumes....
Should I treat relationships like commodities: You put in the time/effort/ caring and I will do the same or should I treat it as the ideal we all hope to acheive: unconditional caring. Meaning, I will put in with no expectation of recieving anything in return. The hopes being like the Christmas Spirit, one should be happier in Giving than in recieving

In abreviated fashion:
dentist: here is a quote that relates...
dentist: Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same ~Francesca Reigler
Lil zuby: I agree completely
dentist: there the people who look at the world as half empty and those who see it as half full. then there are the people who see it as 75% or 90% or.....full.
Lil zuby: But......Being an independent woman that I claim to be, I feel it is the same anmount of work to make myself happy with or without HIM or any relationship in my life.
dentist: so what?
Lil zuby: i don't feel i need any one in my life to be happy
Lil zuby: i shouldn't be looking for that in him or anyone else
dentist: k 
Lil zuby: hence the exchange ratio
dentist: there are no shoulds
dentist: the only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. ~foster's law
Lil zuby: if i can be happy alone, or with him, --being with him and the effort time etc to be with him shouldn't dimiish how i feel about him
dentist: here what it comes down to..
dentist: straight out of Ken Keyes
Lil zuby: do tell
dentist: to be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have
Lil zuby: fair enough, but what happens when your perception of what you have is changed based on the loss
Lil zuby: i mean lets take this glass being full example
Lil zuby: i felt i had an entirely full glass
Lil zuby: complete with straw
dentist: you never lose...that is just made up in your mind ...not your knowing
dentist: your mind said you have one
Lil zuby: exactly this is all mind perveption
dentist: listen to your knowing telling that you do
Lil zuby: one more time?
Lil zuby: knowing telling?
dentist: instead of listening to your mind....listen to what you know yourself to have(be)
Lil zuby: i know I'm fine alone
Lil zuby: i know I'm fine with him in my life
Lil zuby: I know I control my happiness
Lil zuby: i can make myself miserable by granting this situation the power to control my emotions, etc, and allowing the situation to take away my happiness, when in fact--I know The situation, or He does not take away my ability to love him, cherish him, value him, etc
Lil zuby: i know this
Lil zuby: but
Lil zuby: i'm just saying I'm not good at it yet
dentist: no buts
dentist: that's a cop out
Lil zuby: i'm saying he went out on a date tonight and I'm still used to allowing the situation to control my feelings
Lil zuby: damn right it's a cop out
dentist: then give it up
Lil zuby: i'm telling you I can't do it "right not"
dentist: give up that addiction'
Lil zuby: maybe later
Lil zuby: okay.
Lil zuby: I'm just saying I can't give up that addiction right now
Lil zuby: I want to
Lil zuby: believe me I do
dentist: when you are tired of being unhappy.....then you'll give up the addiction and just be
Lil zuby: I know I can
dentist: that is incorrect
dentist: you can give it up
dentist: you just aren't willing to
Lil zuby: yes
Lil zuby: that's right
dentist: you prefer not to
Lil zuby: i know thats right
Lil zuby: you're right
Lil zuby: I prefer my orderly world of reciprocity
Lil zuby: it doesn't work that way and being unconditional takes a lot of work
Lil zuby: because it means i have to give up the addiction
dentist: you prefer the world of missery
dentist: because you are too scared to live in peace
Lil zuby: no, i prefer the world of "he's an idiot, he'll realize it later," and in the meantime, I'll be happy without him
Lil zuby: perhaps
dentist: and you're not
Lil zuby: i've never had peace alone
Lil zuby: now thats an addiction
Lil zuby: i know that
dentist: you've had it...you just never looked at it
Lil zuby: maybe
dentist: hold on
Lil zuby: k
dentist: "I always remember I have everything I need to enjoy my here and now~unless I am letting my consciousness be dominated by demands and expectations based on the dead past or imagined future"~key keyes
Lil zuby: wow
Lil zuby: that's awesome
Lil zuby: I try very hard to consider something very similiar
Lil zuby: in short version "Iam responsible for my own happiness"
dentist: look up Pathways into higher consciousness Ken Keyes
Lil zuby: I get it, I do. Anything else after this would be an excuse or copout, for why I feel I can't be happy, and I call myself out on them, but (copout again) I am addicted to holding on to past pstterns
Lil zuby: i will
dentist: there are 12 pathways...read them
Lil zuby: lol. great a pathway for every credit hour :-)
Lil zuby: lol--anyways
Lil zuby: are you happy?
Lil zuby: school, work, etc
dentist: yes i am
Lil zuby: thats good honey. I love catching up with you
Lil zuby: you always seem to be a step ahead of me when it comes to the personal growth portions in our lives
dentist: not ahead...just in a different spot
Lil zuby: true
Lil zuby: i'm in my own little corner, but I'm getting it lately
Lil zuby: i told him last night,
Lil zuby: I've been unhappy before, and as a person who wants your happiness, I hope you enjoy tommorrow night and are able to find what ever it is that you think might be keeping you back fom being unhappy.
Lil zuby: i didn't cry.
Lil zuby: not then
dentist: do you mean that?
Lil zuby: i do
Lil zuby: i really want his happiness
Lil zuby: just like I wanted...continue to want yours
Lil zuby: i want to be able to see the people in my life happy--
Lil zuby: but i know i'm not responsible for it
Lil zuby: like i said,
Lil zuby: "
"I'm responsible for my own happiness
Lil zuby: wow, it's late
Lil zuby: I should get going...shower, sleep, what-not
Lil zuby: but thank you
dentist: night night
Lil zuby: good night
Lil zuby: :-)
Lil zuby: consider me going up--if that would be fun for you, xxx

At risk of another sad sob blog....hey it's been 9 months, I was "due"

My people would say i hold a power over the skies. As the tears flow the sky cries along.
__________
"King Of Sorrow"

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do

I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
_________
You're So Real

Yes I am
I hope you think you beat me
Hope I start talking crazy
Before you understand me
Are we through
You think that I'm beneath you
But you like the things that I do
Wrap em up and take em with you

I'm alright
Hope I can sleep for one night
If not to cool my insides
Maybe to calm my backside
Rain on me
I got a weakness in me
I think that weakness feeds me
I don't think you think you need me
Sunshine, you're the best time
I ever, ever had
But I think I made you feel bad
A black fly on your necktie
Time after time

[Chorus]

But when the sun starts sinking
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

Run this round in your head
Like you don't know what's on the inside
You don't know me too well
You ain't seen my bad side
Shame on me, shame on the things that I be
If you could complicate me
If you could get inside me
Sometimes, you're the best time
I've ever, ever known
A pretty girl with a wicked smile on
But I've cried for the last time
Something just don't feel right

[Chorus]

But when the sun starts sinking
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

You always know just who you are
You never needed someone else
To realize yourself

[Chorus]

How when the sun starts sinking
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

Yeah baby, you're so real
Yeah baby, you're so real
So real, so real
Oh god, yeah
Yeah, yeah