When you know you don't suck...

You ever wake up, and think to yourself "am I’m forgetting something really important?"

Me-I forgot to sleep.

Something many people have told me that amazes me, is "Turn your phone off.’

It’s not so hard. One button. Makes the whole world (my ears connected to) go bye-bye. It must be harder than that; because last night I received a 2 a.m. call.

"I haven’t talked to you all day" goes the voice at the other end.

" What time is it???"

"2am, what are you doing? Am I waking you?"

I am the person that "sucks the least I guess" –LOL. Why do people call me? Because like I’ve always said, "My phones always on." And it is.

I suppose I should feel good that people want to call me at 2am. Well, as much as I believe I am good company at 2am, I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally, mentally--spent.

I seem to get into grooves where nothing really matters except the task at hand.

The drama, the boys, the girls---it all fades away, because "I’m busy, right now"

But these grooves are exhausting, and when it’s over: thank you little world of mine, for putting up with me or my absence, but good night.

But it’s a new day, and I’ve got nothing better to do than think.

Now, let me preface this verbal (written) hemorage of emotions out with the following disclaimer: Really, I’m okay. Read this knowing, it’s just a perspective, as always, and already it’s been altered, and I am comfortable.

I guess I’m just putting this out here because I received an 8am Text.

Now lets talk about this. 8am text message. I think J has ESP, maybe ESPN, which is even cooler.

8 am. I receive the text "Are you Crying??????-----Theres no Crying in Baseball!!!"

--League of their Own (in case anyone missed that).

Funny thing is I haven’t added any entries to let homeboy know how I am or how people are probably thinking I should be feeling. Actually last entry, prior to this one was fairly up beat right? Well, maybe J and girls know me better than that, or better than myself.

So, I stared at the Text, smiled, and was like, "No, no tears yet."

In holding true to my mantra of "Pimps don’t cry" –despite recent circumstances, I haven’t let myself cry.

This it appears-- isn’t fooling anyone. Except maybe everyone that doesn’t know me. Funny thing appearances. I found out just how susceptible even I am to them two nights ago.

Two nights ago:

Two nights ago, my Ladies truly had "my back" emotionally, as I smiled but the tears glossed my eyes.

The reassurances: J-low put it quite nicely, "It doesn’t matter if you hold it in, you’re dying inside, and its okay. Just don’t cry till you get home. Don’t let them know they got the best of you"

Four hugged me goodbye, "You call me—no really, call me"

C, though trashed and off to drink more, stopped to hug me with the most real comment of the night, "What did you expect?"

And there it was, right there, the comment that kept all the tears back.

Nothing, I never expected anything.

But I guess when you don’t prepare yourself, as much as you coin it "non-expectations" –"appearances" can get you in the worst way when you care,

I guess I’m thinking, no amount of self-confidence makes you feel okay, when in public you’re invisible. Worse yet, being visible, appearing to have yourself in check, and your "friends" being so out of the loop, that in innocent questions manage to bring all your feelings of inadequacy right into the light.

Let me spell it out (and just slightly put it out there).

She got flowers. I got back the necklace I had left on his nightstand.

She went through the front door---lol, I don’t mind the side door (without heals, so no one is woken up).

She’s seen in daytime/ public---lol, probably against what his preferences, I get the night time, or a 3am daytime, that is kept private.

Now here’s the thing: I’ve noticed it only really does hurt when you keep score.

Mind you I was having a ruff night. Side comments were made by men I used to consider true friends, but I’m learning, sometimes, its better just to walk away. Add this hurt to a first ladies innocent questioning, and I think it was enough to tip the scale.

I guess when no one knows what, or who, you care about, it’s hard to let them live in your world of "I’m happy with this."

LOL, I don’t need flowers,--they somehow get eaten by drunken boys.

(Well-that makes flowers worth it.)

A door is a door. All I appreciate is that I’m let in through it. Three in the morning isn’t that bad, and what ever it is that I can’t let go, would never be anything anyone else would get, so why worry about that approval.

So yeah. Nevertheless, I got stunned a bit. I think I got thrown off a little, because I really don’t keep score. LOL, I keep her so far from my mind, I get amazed when I realize, "Oh yeah-- her."

I’m actually laughing right now.

I’m actually amazed at how perceptions are just a window into someone’s reality.

More fantastic, it seems is how I know I can laugh, when everyone is really just expecting me to break down. The thing is, I don’t know how he does it, but he makes me happy.

If I give someone a little piece of that, then, well it kinda outweighs the perceptions, huh?

 

Lol—shall we tie this full circle?

Someone’s phone was beeping in the background one night, (nine to ten, I’m thinking, it’s her).

Someone told me "Don’t worry about it."

Not only did I believe him (that I didn’t have anything to worry about); but I haven’t worried since.

So moral of the story?: If you’re really liked, people call you. Turn your phone off when you don’t want to be disturbed.