Much like this entry, ans my housemates computer, I am finding out that I am constantly having to restart my life.
Sadly there is a great lesson in this…Everytime I use someone elses computer (aka, depend on someone else for my needs), I find myself more frustrated and with less accomplished, then what I had started off with had I just used my own computer (judgement, etc) to begin with.
This is why Ladies should never take shortcuts, right?
Here is what I was thinking, (before Housemates computer froze)--Let's see how much I can remember...
Greetings to my little universe, as the dream filled sleep has suddenly ceased and I have returned to dreamless slumbers.
Since that was boring, I added the remembrance of a dream I had nights ago.
Here, I decided to insert a much needed "excuse" for my ramblings.
Recently I have learned many people are concerned with my entries so as a disclaimer, please read the following:
The entries in this journal do not reflect the attitudes or opinions of any other person or entity other than the individuals posting to it. While all journal entries, stories, bad jokes, etc. are based on the life experiences of its author, they are intended for the sole use of venting and figuring out the eccentric life of it’s owner.
All charectors and semblances within my life, are based on real life people, and for protection from stalkers, judgemental people, and plain out jerks, most names have been altered or abreiviated.
If you know the people portrayed in this journal, good job for being so close to me; I obviously talk to you. For some reason some people portrayed in this journal don’t "appreciate" my including them, so leave them alone. Again if you know me, this one shouldn’t be a hard to figure out.
Again, all stalkers, get lost. This journal is for mature audiences only. If you can’t take a joke, don’t read it.
If you find yourself reflected in this journal, in a poor light in this journal, you have a multitude of options,
1. Change your behavior.
(I myself am a scandal-ass, bitch, angel, comedian, etc—and refer to myself as such. I wear these titles proudly when I’ve earned them and have no problem being regarded as such, when my behaviour has warranted my label.)
Therefore, don’t give me a reason to portray you as a jerk, and you won’t be. Ultimately, I am a very happy person, and I never ever willingly try to portray people in a bad light.
2. Call me on it.
Tell me you don’t want something in here, and I’ll do my best. Again, this journal is for venting purposes. I’m not trying to start rumors. What I am trying to do is: unburden my little head of grey fluff from the facts that complicate my life.
3. Don’t read it.
(Many thanks to the people that do read this. You are the most open minded people I know. I consider all of ya’lls advice, side bars, and quotes when I write and I find you a joy to my little universe. You are appreciated.)
Comments are always welcome. Including but not limited to: Calling me out, telling me how stupid I am, 3 a.m. morning ramblings, drunken tangents, mathematical tangents, and of course promiscuous pick up line. (Okay that last one I’m still waiting for. No really, I’m waiting! Lol.)
Finally, to all readers: This journal is a few entries of one huge story line. I never knew when it began and don’t know when it will end. I'm just trying to have fun on the ride.
There are many sides to all these ramblings. Be a mature human being and don’t take my writings as an absolute truth. If you are, or have been, check your self into the nearest clinic for the insane, because--you too--have far too much time on your hands.
My writings, again, are my Perceptions. They change from day to day. Like every decent person, each day I try to grow and understand a little bit more of my world. This blog is just my own little sounding board, to hear myself think.
Don’t base opinions or make value judgments on the people you see reflected in these letters. Especially not based on my little "Blah—I can’t stand X" statements! They are real people with real feelings and if you have any spine or even want to be considered my friend, grow up and make judgments for yourself on these people.
That last one is me on a personal tirade against people who talk about people without knowing them. Something, I have experienced recently, which is not appreciated.
So, I think that was it….more to come as I see needed.
With that being said, I was going to relay my little dream without trying to cross the lines of "Between you and me" that we all seem to draw around us. It’s funny how all the lines we draw seem to catch up our true selves like spider webs???
This dream was the last dream I had, two nights ago (?). The night after I had my "It’s so scary I appear that jealous and emotional" dream.
Dream: Small preface. Dreams are only the deep recesses of my subconscious. I take no responsibility for my 'wak' mind.
Dream in a nutshell: Me and the someone I’m involved with, get caught being involved...
(Now , my sleepy head was not in the gutter-so get yours out)
In the dream --much like what I would imagine my real life response to be-- I panic.
(Remember I am the girl whose main goal in life right now it to avoid drama! Being caught in this "involved" drama should be a nightmare—but heres the turn, ready? Set… turn…)
Now, this is where I should wake up crying right? No left.
In my dream, the man I’m with, rather than panic, goes, confronts the situation head on, and explains to the guy who had seen us together what our relationship consist of.
(Now this is a conversation I wish my subconscious would have ease-dropped in on. To this day I have no idea what I’m doing. So---)
Mr. Someone becomes like Mr. Cool, Calm and Collected, and comesback to the room where (in the dream, mind you) I’m looking through a book, panicking. He comes back, tells me something utterly romantic, (which he knows he has the ability to un-willingly do.)
He says something so cute, I’m keeping it all to myself. 1. Because it’s corny and 2. Because like a birthday wish, you hope if you close your eyes and keep it to yourself it will come true. Lol.
The dream ends with this line "Everything’s going to be okay."
Now, stupid maybe. But to a girl whose mantra has become "Row away from the rocks"—Waking up from this—one of your biggest fears, being "not that big a deal"—is like waking up in euphoria.
So that was the dream.
Now, there was more in the journal entry. Oh, jess—
(btw, if you don’t know this: "jess" is a pronounciation of the word "yes".
In spanish, the "Y" is usually turned into a "j" and vice-a-versa; just little cultural education…)
~~~~
Job interview today. 4 pm. Light a candle, say a prayer, burn some sage, boil an egg, do whatever you think needs to be done so I get this job. This one is it. The job I want. The job --at this point-- I so desperately need.
What this job means.Being the A.D.D. nutcase I am, I have decided I need more stimulation in my life. (Yeah, laugh it off—if you’re as perverse as I am. At 8 am I woke up with my mind in the gutter, too. )
Meaning, with a job distracting my little grey head of fluff, I’ll be too busy to think about boys. Boys—I’m sorry. I’ve caught myself saying that, and I think it’s really rude. Hopefully I’ll curb it. Besides not boys—Boy. One. We’ve gone over this. One boy, not boy! man! Hee hee, well yeah... (I just had an innapropriate 2am thought)—NE-ways!!!!
NO MORE THOUGHTS or OVER ANALYSIS or CRAZY WAK DREAMS about this Guy!
*Sigh. Don’t get me wrong. As per previous entries, this guy is awesome, and as much as I’d love to be completely consumed with him, I’ve been having some thoughts on this subject.
1. He has a girlfriend. As much as I think I try to hide it from myself, and as much as the label might not be there, "she’s It, I’m not."
I have to come to grips with that. Now, lets say the "girlfriend" is non-existent. A cover, a friend. Someone’s someone to talk to. Whatever. Let's scratch that entirely. Because ultimately...I do hear my 16’s voice yelling—"Have some respect for yourself!"—and I’m ignoring it!
Ultimately, I still don’t care. I should, but I don’t, and here's why:
(ASIDE FROM TAKING WHAT I CAN....)
2. I’m really busy. If I’m not, I should be. What I have right now, (screw all the little jiminy crickets in my head) I like and enjoy. I really enjoy. It's, --He is what I have time in my life for. What we have might be the only thing I have time in my life for. (Meaning, that good "girlfriend" role, is kind of time consuming, and I don’t know if I could do it---)
****All right—side bar with myself. –Grr. I could do it. I’d like to do it. I do want a "relationship." But not a complicated one! Just a "hey lets go to the movies," "lets do dinner"—lol, anything in addition to the five second distraction before or after I’m in his bed, would be nice--Sadly though, it’s not going to happen... So, I rationalize to myself to feel in control. Good job? Not really.
Hence the new coined phrase: Pimps don’t cry.
If I thought this was in check, my subconscious, has and will probably remind me (until it really ends) that I don’t.
"Don’t believe me when I say, I have this down" –JM
I think I’m scared to admit I mean nothing to someone, because I want to mean something.
"Everyone wants a sidecar."-JM
This is one of those moments to where I’ve realized I’ve just poured out a whole lot, without ever meaning to.
"That would be too easy—I have no secrets"
DAMN JM get out of my head too! You’d think I was as obsessed with him as a glitter bunny.
*sigh? What’s left to be said? Lol, what hasn’t been said?
HAHA, music’s playing at the laundry mat: "Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone."
The ex used to like that song. I wonder if he’s playing it now? Now that’s sad—I’m more concerned that I’ve become too "complicated" for my easy going relationship with Someone and that this same Someone is going to recognize this, and leave me wondering "what happened?" --than I am about the random girl the ex was taking on last nights bus. Thats the way I want it though. Trust me.
I so should have gotten on that bus. But... you know...I had a good time. On my own. You know that’s pretty cool. Which makes me think. It’s not that complicated. Keep doing what you’re doing, and with time…lol, this will all make perfect sense.
Lol. Bye, bye for now my universe. Good luck to me, in interviews.
So final closing convo with C as we sit at a red light:
"You need to get a job"
I respond ---"you need to get laid."
"So do you—(long pause) -unless there’s something you haven’t told me"
Response: "C—the lights green, who plays this song?"
"Fall Out Boy—I want to see them in concert."
"Cool, we should go--- (pause) what were we talking about?"
"I forgot…but you know what?"
"What?"
"Between you and me?"
"Always"
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