Break Down 2004 and the Aftermath

Okay. Last night was slightly ridiculous.

I feel so stupid. I worried all kinds of friends.  

It just finally happened. I just finally had an emotional break down.

Skip the “pimps don’t cry” and “I got this” mentality, I’ve been trying to pursue; I just lost it. I can admit that. I cried myself to sleep and yeah….

But as I told C-at 1 am as he said “it’s just your bodies way of relieving stress”

I just couldn’t stop it.  

*Sigh.

I’m kinda glad it happened. Last nights tears seemed to be the last of me holding on to a lot of things.  Procrastination, Hesitation, Worries, Everything.

C’s thing last night was “He’s not worth this pain”

As I informed C, It wasn’t not about him. It’s about him and everything else.

He put it really well, “What happened today, that just finally pushed you over???”

Well EVERYTHING! Four months—maybe a lifetime—of everything. And you know I was feeling ---not good—but “in control” when I got home last night. I was really feeling like, “I  know what I’m doing is hard, but I’m doing it, and I will do it, and I got this”

And just as I’m ready to put this “in control attitude” in the journal, the phones going off and theirs reminders of things that haven’t been done, and I was gone for 2 hours on business and my email, had 10 new messages directly needing my attention.  And THEN—well, that’s just it. It all hit at once, and it always hits at once and I know this, but last night, I just wanted to be okay for 5 minutes.

Five minutes of entry time for ME.

Well it didn’t happen, as some might have read, and there it was My official 2004 Breakdown.

(Please if you all will, have empathy for C at the other end, as I had begun to have those  broken gasps of breath because of  mindless crying, to where you think you’re going to hyperventilate…..)

Over the phone in broken sobs: I believe it went something like this.

“It’s not about him. Well some of it is, but it’s more, it’s him+ “business” + School+ I have a presentation tomorrow+ and I don’t have a job+ being broke+ me missing my sister+ these weird unresolved feelings about  boys in my life—every boy that ever hurt me, me trying to figure out if I’m worth anything, me wondering if all I deserved was my ex, me questioning if me breaking it off was just stupid, because I at least knew he loved me, --but I know I don’t want that, and I’m just miserable right now, and I want someone to hold me and make things better, but I don’t have a someone, and that makes me feel bad, too---and on top of it all I feel stupid crying on the phone to you, and I must be keeping V awake with all this crying, and C—This is gross but I need to blow my nose” (pause for loud blowing of nose) “And that was just gross, and how can a guy ever be with me, because OMG I’m a mess and I have a headache and….and….I can’t stop C—I want to stop, but I can’t….” (and continual sobbing resumes.)

So, lol, yeah. Breakdown 2004.

As C’s quote goes “It was bound to happen—If you drink to much, you’re bound to throw up.”

And the weird thing is, I don’t feel any better. I don't feel any worse? I don’t feel like I’m in control, I just feel like, “Yeah, that was weird.”

Anyways, So that was yesterday.

 I could tell you all that led up to that—the business, me having to go across town at 10 at night to complete paperwork for said sorority business, the loosing my I.D.  and debit card, the night before,  the random girl throwing up and ruining the night before, my 2 hour business call with girls across the nation, that took all my time from the research I have to do for class and be done with by tonight if I’m going to make interviews tomorrow, and of course my weird random emotional “thing” with mr. someone, who I think might be totally oblivious to the fact that it really isn’t him, and I hope he doesn’t think it was him, and I was trying to let him into my life, I really was—

Okay this is ridiculous too—(this pseudo, lets pretend like he doesn’t read this...— Everyone else, be pepos and mitotes, and listen in, but this is just for him—yes, just for you)

Hey—

I’m sorry about everything, I kinda wanted to say that last night. I was listening to these random break up songs, and realizing, Im not mad at you, as you said “I don’t hate you.” I mean the truth of the matter is, I do love you. Sadly I wish I didn’t because I know that hurts me. I mean as I’ve said before, it’s really hard being in love with the guy you love. And not that this means less or more, but I hate using the word love. It’s not that I don’t love you, but it’s that I care about you, and I guess it’s that transition, of words where the “I like you a lot” is just insufficient. I know you get this, so I’m not going to go on…but…well, if for the past two weeks, hell even month has seemed off, I’m sorry. I know I went static cling, and it really embarrasses the hell out of me now. But what I think I was trying to say up above, and when we talked last, (with a little more clarity) is that things are hard for me too. I really tried to hide that from you, because I didn’t want you to think I had all this “baggage” or whatever. I assumed, you had the “problems” in this relationship, and those were enough. I guess you always knew. Well, anyways—when I was trying to be “static cling”  or just get the reassurances from you that you wanted me in your life, just know that, it was because I was trying to let my walls down.---I wanted you to know, it wasn’t you, but as you put it “Life”—I get the “nothing personal”. Only, it is personal because, I want to be able to share the “Ugh!!!! I hate this!!!!” with someone, and more than anyone I’d like to share that with you. ---

This is why I wanted us to be friends. I share more of “me” with my friends than I do with you, and I wish it was the other way around.

So, I know this is getting “out there” but hang in for five more seconds, k?

---Again, it wasn’t you. I was happy with what-ever it was that we had. And since I’m laying it out there. (Here I go again). Okay, I get your complications. You have a girlfriend, a house, a life—I see how I don’t quite fit into that. But I guess my confusion was, and always has been, then why me? Why did you call me? Ever make time? And now, why do we pretend like things are different—

Ne-ways, I always assumed as you said that night, “you’d rather have me in your life, then not at all”---and to be honest That’s all I wanted to know/ needed to hear.  That’s it. The smallest reassurances.

But I know things are different now. I’ve completely been as real and as open with you as I know how. You have my heart. You know this now, and really I wanted you just to “know.” I didn’t expect you to love me back, defend your reasons for not loving me, etc etc…I just wanted you to know. I wanted to know, you knew. Now you do, now I know.

To me this is as clear as it gets.

It was never just you—you make things better, you make me happy, and that’s something I’m really  appreciative of.

But as I’ve finally told you, Friday morning, please don’t use the excuses anymore. I know about “her”, I know about the “complications at the house”, I know you’re “busy with life”—and I’d rather just have the honesty. I know you never meant to hide it, but I think we both never wanted to use each other as friends to actually, say “Yeah, this is my hectic, upside down, turn around , riding in the fast lane kind of life—do you want to hear about my day?”

So, with all that---(you never know how much you have to say until it’s all out there I guess)---I know we’ve had are ups and downs. You know my “ish”, I know yours.  Lol, and I think if we didn’t care about one another it might be one of those things to where we both could walk away and say “you know this really, isn’t worth it”—but maybe it is. Theres no way to find out unless we try. So, if we could—if you still want, I’ll take you off IM excile??? I hear friends visit bored friends during library hours, and I need a proctor anyways??? I won’t sign a contract, but I’ll do my best---and hopefully, by being real and honest might start giving you my best???? Like you, I don’t want to promise anything. In conclusion,

Hi, I think we’ve met before. I know if you don’t really know me, it looks like I have a crazy life, and I kind of do. I’m in a sorority, which takes up a lot of time! I’m a grad student and study too. I’m trying to get a job right now which is good, cuz I like to shop and spend money like I’ve got it. So it’s a crazy life, but I enjoy almost every moment of it. I’m one of the most loyal and dependable friends you might ever have—you can ask C and J-low. They’re a little off too, but, you kind of have to know them. Anyways,  I think I’m kind of fun. I like to drink on occasion, or just stay in and study. I like talking on the phone, but only after nine when I get free minutes. I text message a lot, so if that bugs you, let me know, oh and I love downloading musicso I’m always online. Somehow I really like John Mayer,--I’ve heard you’re slightly obsessed, so I’d love to see what stuff you have that I’m missing.  Yeah--- so, I don’t know what I could bring to your world or what you could bring to mine, but….if  it could work for you, I know you seem kinda crazy too-- maybe we could hang out sometime?  Be friends, see what happens? Anyways, if it could happen, I’d like that.