June 10th Backlog; A week ago still holds true.

I think everyone just always wants to get it together. I left a whole town just to get away, only to come back and try to feel like I was getting it together.

 

But I don’t have it together. I don’t think any one does, not really.  I wish I did, but I don’t.  I want to have it together to the point that I would not worry about what people said, or are saying now. But deep down I do. Deep down I want to know the thoughts that go through someone’s mind as I look at them in their blank expressions.  I want to know how I rank, how I scored,if I’m a person someone could live without, or simply if the girl down the hall thought my haircut looked nice.

 

It’s sad really the social acceptance we try to all gain.Worse yet, is the pains we will all go through to try to show we either one have it together or our need to avoid anyone noticing   how much we really don’t have it together. Anything,--lies, denial of what-nots, and freinships, just for the acceptance of another; or to avoid the drama of having to come clean, that you have it together enough to simply not care.

 

Drama avoidance is just another excuse for leaving. Avoiding drama has never been easy for me. In part, because I usually create my own. Not to say I create more drama than what anyone else does, but I can admit that I make things more complicated then they ever really have to be.

 

Matters of the heart for example. No one is an expert. The best advice I ever gave someone on love, was “Don’t ask me.”-- I don’t have it figured out and most likely never will.  At least I’m honest. Far more honest than the romance comedies and the happy endings we pay nine dollars for. Just to get magically swept into wanting something, that might not really exist. Yet, like the girl I am sometimes, I allow myself to be stupid, and listen to the radio, way too hard, or analyze a movie, way too deeply, and then get stupefied when I realizea writer isn’t scripting my life. The rollercoaster of romance isn’t carrying me on a winding adventure, but rather has me strapped me in --with no where to go-- and by the end of the line, I’m usually left with a nauseous feeling.

 

I mean this is the drama I create, I damn well know that by letting myself-- even for a moment—be convinced that planets align correctly (or that ‘Walter’ stating Leos are meant to have a “foreign person” leave their impressions upon them), I allow myself to think “this might just work.”—even if the timing, persons involved, etc, have easily fought otherwise.

 

Not just me. Hallmark has made an empire off of manipulating emotions. The saddest this is knowing, one person wants exactly what you want, just not with you.

 

That’s the whole cycle. One person might be ready, for a relationship but have the wrong person, or, miserably we find the right person, at the absolute worse time. There doesn’t seem to be a way to fix that. So I guess that’s why we pay nine dollars or get Hallmark cards, just to allow ourselves to believe even for one moment, two people in this world can get it together.