Day to Day

Last night ripped out my heart a little bit. Maybe it was everything I’ve wanted to feel. Finally, the sadness, the hurt, and a deep sense of loss.

Jennifer is a sister who brought me into the sorority I pledged for. Since I never had a “big sister,” like other mainstream sororities, and since I was a first in mine, I never had anyone really look to me as someone special. But I thought every woman who touched me while I pledged made me a better person. Somehow, when I heard Jen lost someone in her family yesterday, I felt like I wanted to be someone she found important. I wanted her to know that she was important enough to me. All I could do was cry for a little while. I went to the store, and bought her a stuffed animal. I figured everyone needs something or someone to love even for a little while.

I’ll be sending that today. Today I’ll also be sending money to England for another stuffed animal, a faded remembrance of my childhood, and a CD to a friend, who never was able to get the first one to work.

Its amazing how days pass and emotions change day to day, and what impacts one’s mood.  I’m listening to the CD I’m about to send, and am debating whether resending this will eventually become regretful.  *Sigh.

I got a call from a friend last night who is dealing with situations of his own. Sometimes I think I’m so little in this universe. But he made me feel big enough for a moment. Even though I was a little broken, he said he missed me. He said he couldn’t wait for me to come “home.” I think that is where home is, where people love you, and you love them.  I want him to find love too. He’s an angel, and he deserves to be happy. ~I think love does lead to happiness.

--Been listening to all kinds of music. Downloads keep coming, and I keep listening to each artist and the words they try to use to inspire the emotions that stir beneath each of us.

Savage Gardens words hit true when I believe you might only truly appreciate love, when you’ve been burned by it before and that karma’s wheel entails what you give is what you get.  The tale of loss and separation in “Pretty Girl,” Maroon 5’s “Songs about Jane,” every female artist I seems to enjoy, seems to play in the background not as reflections of my own life or present emotion, but of general feelings we have all probably experienced at one time or another.

I’m ranting. Perhaps because, I have no one to talk to right about now, or perhaps because I have already worn this topic out with all the people who care to listen.

My journal, my rules, at leats until AOL tells me 25,000 characters. *Sighing again.

A song of John Mayer is hitting me, Split Screen Sadness. For once it’s not the lyrics but how the song is, the actual sadness; and it’s okay to be sad.

I’m not sad anymore, but it’s good to hear that that’s all right too.  Speaking of Split Screens….*I don’t want to be sad anymore, please let there be smiles.

And I don't where you went when you left me but
It says herein the water, you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow

One hand on the trigger of the telephone
Wonderin when the call comes, when you say it's all right
You got your heart right

Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on your porch 'til you come back home, alright
I can't find a fight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight

All you need is love is a lie cause
We had a love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame
At the drop of your name, it's only the air you took
And the breath you left

So maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch til you come back home, alright
I can't find the fight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
Might be my only right

We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called... because... I just... need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know well it's me you called it over but
I still wish you fought me 'til my dying day
Don't let me get away

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Oh for the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
We share the sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)
Split screen sadness
(two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright
Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright
Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright
Oh in the sadness, it's alright, it's alright