Emotional Projectile

Well it’s 7 in the morning, and I feel emotionally hung over. Spent the night out with a friend telling him all that was, all that is, and all that could be. I always forget how emotionally draining it can be to explain how life has put you right where you are.

 

Woke up not liking someone, for the mere fact that I can’t get a song out of my head! Don’t we hate it when that happens? It’s not even a song I know! Like life’s events, I’m trying to replace this song quickly, by playing others—hoping, just maybe, another one will stay in mind clearer and less agitating than the one before.

 

Speaking of quick replacements. In a recent turn of events, what I thought I could have, I can’t, or at least not now, when it comes to the realm of life’s excitement and my willingness to tell the world, “I am stronger than you, and I will defy the restrictions you have put upon me.” Kind of deep? No not really. It breaks down so simply. The man I was--and still am--willing to love, and probably most objectionably “replace” a past love with, for reasons I can’t fight for all my willingness to, won’t suffer another woman’s love and eventual pain associated with her love.  He’s explained to me that he feels he can’t fight the world that he loves so dearly, a world where I know I never belonged.  And beyond guilt, or selfishness, the fact that I care about him so much, insures that I will want his happiness above my own.  Therefore, we will remain--as ever—in the most comfortable of position, friends.

 

Friends. Fortunately my love of friends has transcended and survived far more failed relationships than I care to count. The friend I was with last night for instance has seen me through two failed marriage engagements, my college education, and life’s tragedies. Deep down, if there was any man who lovedme unconditionally I know it would probably be this guy. Poor guy, I love him too, just as a friend though, but always, always I’ll love him as such.

 

So loving a friend won’t be so hard. As for my heart, patience is a virtue I will reacquaint myself with. Patience in myself, as well as in others.

 

Speaking of friendship. My friends, who were falling into love, are now falling out of love. I find it sad that one action, in one night, can change your whole view of a person. But that is how love goes. And in one night, the heart you gave away is returned, and even though it has been returned protected and unharmed, it is the fact that someone has told you they no longer want it, that hurts the most.