In summation...

"There's no crying in baseball!"


C took me out to the Brick...after a highly unappetizing slice, and a poor beer selection, we settled for the guarantees in life....

Rum and coke....
We played the game I requested..."Tell me something I don't know about you"
He started..."When I was younger...." --fascinating but not enlightning,
My turn...
" Please don't be mad......""I met someone last week, his name was ......., " and then I proceeded to cry.

"Lets take a walk," he said.

I agreed and we covered "us" like we hadn't done in years....what made me hurt, why I now felt jaded, the optimism slowly turned to fatalism.

I told him I was happy for having met such a guy, he had opened my eyes into the person I wanted to be when I was truly "with" someone I would love...but even as I explained it to C, I realized the fear and intimidation I created in men, and swore never to do it again..."Ijust had no right to present ME to him all at once..it is too much." I concluded.
Too much, too soon....the fall that would inevitably lead to the crash...
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J called in the midst and reminded me as always, that I will always be loved....
yeah babe I know...and thanks.

My Marine called, and aside from re-affirming our "best friends" wedding pact, offered to buy he first round when he returned to ABQ.

Mom called and asided from hiding the "I told you so"in her voice... asked about what was truly important, and i assured her I had passed my final, and that I would be very careful drinking that evening...
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This was a promise I had meant to keep.
1 very large pinacolada later however, I found myself in a tipsy daze being guided by C through the random-ness that is downtown Burque.

To say I had fun would be an understatement, meeting and getting autographs from the band, Galic Storm (TRULY Awesome) as well as learning the local talent via bar hopping, was just what I needed. ...
That and the liquor undoubtedly helped.  ("[S]he didn't die of drinking, she dies of tirst!"
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I awoke this morning to have breakfast served to me in bed....french toast, fresh oj. It was wonderful...
The moments leading to breakfast while not hazy, still feel distant.
Heartbreak, bar, band, bar, band, bar, long talk in the plaza, a request to lay my head down .... and then breakfast, as if I had never even met my soldier a week ago.
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As I've said before, when my words and mind aim to decieve  me, my body always reveals the truth....
A soreness throughout my body....
Everything ached....still aches....

Reminance of 45 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes of beating the emotion out of myself vis-a-vis a pair of boxing gloves and a very heavy boxing bag....

Perhaps it worked, for now all I feel is the pain of my body....
My desire for hoplessness romantisism, my desire for any form of relationship, my optimism towards life, all grow exceedingly numb....yet, no remorse, no regrets, nothing to remind me what-so-ever that it ever existed.

There is a rationality within me that explains that this is just passing....that greif will perhaps return at some later time, but for now, I am just numb....denial overcome by soreness, emotion overcome by rationality, and now...the only pressing emotion I have is one to "just be."

Should my soldier call, let me know he hurts equally, I will go back...
Should he only want friendship, I will oblige...
Should he never call, well I have memories....

He has given me introspection into myself, and for that I am forever grateful....

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Men aren't alone in the ability to detatch, to seperate, to shut off emotion.
For like a light switch, I have decided--just as I relayed could be done--not to feel, not to hurt.

I've known for a long time that it is my descison  who hurts me and whether I can fall apart and be hurt...lifes too short. I've been hurt before, I remember whait is to let life impact you...to fall apart based on something that you have no control over....so in the words of my baby sister..."how bout I don't and said I did?"

LOL. I'm actually happy. happy for a clarity I reached on introspection, happy at my ability to control the situation at hand without falling to pieces and happy that I depend on noone to Create my happiness. I let myself be happy....I choose to be happy, and I feel great, because to know me is to allow yourself to be caught up as well and to feel that momentarily. Knowing that if  i can/have generate(d) that for even a moment in another, well, let it be so.
I'll just be....
whoever wants to be in my pressence is welcome.

It's only as complicated as youchoose it to be...

On the long shot that you're reading soldier, if you're not letting yourself be happy, don't be lame, and smile :)
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Despite being disillusioned, and having seen the error in the optimismin thats intrinsically entangled in the hopeless romantic, I am reminded, there's no crying in baseball.