What should be done: what probably never needed to be said.

I should be doing homework, but it felt like I was re-reading the same sentance over and over again. You know when you get really tired all of a sudden, the words just blur on the page.

So, I lay in bed and try to make sense of my emotions. There is no need to try, I know exactly how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling misunderstood, but yet understand clearly how my behavior has earned me the reprucussions I'm feeling now. It really doesn't matter what you're doing when the perception of what you're doing can have a real impact on those around you.  

The "I should have...", "I could have" statements swarm through my head. I tell myself that these are all irrelevant, and the only thing left to do is what I've been asking someone else to do this whole time. I need to give myself a chance, as well.   

I know if someone knows me, they know I am loyal...and there really probably is nothing more to say on that. Had circumstances been better, life might have been easier, but they weren't and it isn't.

I do realize life is far more complicated than I want it to be, and I realize now how childish it might have been to try to simplify emotions into a series of statements and questions. I know I do this, so that I can try to understand. I simplify so that I might find sleep never realizing that someone else really might be loosing it weighing the pros and cons. I realize furthermore, how childish I can become because I allow myself to become reactionary. I cry because someone does what's in their best interest, but forget it was their happiness I had wanted this whole time.

I reflect on how I wanted to make things simple because I didn't want to make things complicated or confusing for someone else.  I allowed myself to believe late night calls and breif hellos were better than the obvious affection and support I could have been showing him (and the men I claim to be loyal to) all week, even as a friend.

Friend. That word seems to haunt me, but now I see with good reason. I say it time and again. I want my man to be a friend, but then realize I haven't really been a friend to any of the men in my lives. If I wanted something more to happen between me and someone else, I should have been prepared as a friend to help them get through whatever it is that they needed to get through before pursing or pushing my feelings of attatchment onto them.

Sadly, what's done is done, and they're is no taking back what I've done or failed to do. I guess, I'm just writing to let someone know, if I don't get it, I'm trying to.

I do want someone in my life. sure, as always, I'll take whatever he has to give. I think I just realized though, I might be getting -exactly-what I've been asking for, for a very long time. One, hopefully still a very good friend. Two, a much needed dose of honesty. and Three, maybe a chance to show that I am and can be more than the perceptions I've allowed to follow me. I do want to be more.

*sad laughter. maybe if I get this whole "showing" guys I can be a true friend, guys won't ask me to be their friends anymore. Maybe they'll realize they've always had one. I just hope I can make that realization easier to see though.

This all being said, I'm going to erase my own slate of past faults and issues away. I'm going to try to be a friend, but I'll probably always leave a door unlocked. I'll try to be the woman I expect any man to see, and not allow the inconsistancies of perception and reality remain. My phone will remain on. My away message if present can usually always be ignored. and the line between friendship and love, is there always to be crossed, blurred as it should be, and me patiently waiting on the other end.

~~~~Patience is always being asked of me, and I know I have little of this virtue, but please try to bear with me universe. Let those who know patience guide me by being patient with me. Let someone know, if I don't get it, I'm trying. I know there are always lessons and I want to learn but some lessons are hard and hurtful. All I can do is try. I know that is all any of us can do sometimes, right? *more sad laughter. I wish learning didn't have to feel so lonely though. who knows maybe one of these days I'll get a study partner.