Morning After

You ever get the feeling you don't know anything that's going on?

Last night was--as the yahoo astrological guru--predicted? Completely unplanned, but for the most part a'ight.

Came late, and everything was dead. Did our loyalty stop, to the boys in blue, and all seemed to go well. The ex ignored me, I ignored him. Finally met the newest bluest pledges, and according to the "girl-rating" they're surprisingly up there. High 8's, 9. Me, eh. Just my boy "friends" are too much drama for me lately. Weird I never thought I'd say my boys are drama, but last night was hard!

So after loyalty-ness, we swing across the street. Party is hot in my oppinion, but my girls want nothing to do with getting they're fly selves wet. Can ya blame them? Stupid boys with their water hose, and we all looked good last night.

So we exit after many bad cell calls to one another: "huh? meet you where?" "what? I'm by the DJ" "Hey, what? where?" "Outside!" "what?" "GO OUTSIDE?" "OH BY THE DJ"

Yeah, well. So after this is the phone call that KE is done for the night, which blows because my Playa Playa boy guarenteed me a good time. So, oh well. But we're standing out side freezing waiting for another of our party that evening to show up, and were waiting and waiting...but then C calls. I excuse myself nicely and bounce to the purple rock. He wants his stuff I've had in my car for like two days. K, no prob. But there is a problem, and I finally just tell him how miserable my life is, and how he's a jack, and I don't really care about rush, his school schedule, or how 5 cents isn't making a dollar right now. I was determined by the end of the evening, he was going to give a damn about me. He tried. He tried really hard. I was a bitch though,  and after giving him back his "issshhhh," we parted on hard words. Like "If you were my friend..."

Blah, so that ends with the arrival of the last of the girl squad, and it's like 12:30. The parties end at 1! So we're their looking cute, but basically with no where to go. Standing and waiting has made everyone irratable, and my ladies are ready to bounce. After waiting for one of our crew to be picked up by her man, we resolve, inside loyalty land is the best option of the evening. So, although we are no longer standing in the wind, now -I at least feel --we are standing unconfortably in my ex's living room. I'm like "how did this end up to be our night?" As we greet men into their own house, like a freak'n welcome committee, my night turns an even stranger hue of randomness.

Random why? Well moments before, I resolve my night will turn into something of anything. So I break my rules and TM Someone. Breaking rules, because actually, I was scared to death he was mad at me, for some unknown reason, but I tried to rationalize it as his ever "busy" life. So I TM him as we wait in the house of probability, cause I'm thinking anything can happen. We stand and chit chat, and as doors open, in comes Mr. Someone with whom I can only assume "his girl."  Now I'm not the jealous type, never have been. But you ever get that feeling like you got the wind knocked out of you? It was one of those moments.

I must have been a hard read, though, cuz my girls, did a scan, and asked directly, "You okay?" Like I never missed a beat, and as if the sky wan't blue, I respond casually like responding to the door opening or our present situation of being in an unconfortable setting "What? Oh, the door. No, it's cold, but I'm fine." (and as persons of no input were around I move to change topic "Oh, hey yeah, you told me XXX started dating some girl. yeah, thats her? huh, good for him. Anyways, so are we going to bounce?"

We exit, and as I feel the earth sliding from beneath me, I know I need a friend. So despite the ruff words left from earlier this evening, I suck it up and tm C. "Can I come over?" Like a true friend, five seconds later, I can tell he rolled out of bed from sleeping "hey, meet me at the side door"

Four thinks I'm abandoning her, and I beg everyones forgiveness as I go to some "frat house." 

As I enter the house tears start flowing down my cheeks and I sit myself down in my normal "councel me" spot, looking at my best freind who is so tired of my shit from this summer, and I say emphatically "Boys suck."

I go to take my shoes off and I get a message on my phone. Apparently plans have fallen through? Maybe I am welcomed, more than I thought? now I'm just confused.

C, and me (like always) talk about nothing serious, and he makes me smile. In the midst of our ramblings about the short skirts this evening, my Playa Playa calls me up.

"Where you at?" "None of your buisness" "Shut up" "Make me" "You're a moaner, there is no shutting you up" "Whatever, what d'ya want?" "Get your ass over here" "I'm busy" "With who, you hoe?" "None of your buiz-ness"..."When you're done sucking him off, come over here" "Aight"

C, knows this routine of mine. I could hang with C, and for an hour C, he lets me cry those silent tears, the ones where your eyes water and you just don't cry only because he's got ya hanging on to his story about nine year olds in the water. (he's a swim coach)  We talk about some things but mostly about nothing. I know he could care less about what I do once I leave his house. 

It's amazing. I leave his rock, not feeling better but content I have a friend in the world that would forgive all my shortcomings. He knows where I want to go and he teases me as to where I'm going first. "Scandall-ass-ness? or Good-Times?"

Now let me laugh at the irony of how the rest of the evening and how most of this can be percieved and how things really are.

C and I have supposedly been "doing it" for I don't know how long according to his brothers, and actually my ex, too. Ever happened? NO

Playa Playa. While he may have and may be "Mad Game," he is my homie! He calls me at 4 in the morning telling me about the 2 girls he slept with earlier that night, and about the 3rd chick he macked, and how later she went pyscho and threw a punch at him making his nose bleed. "It's four in the morning, come over, make me breakfast, or let me sleep" I tell him "Fine, call me manana, ho'."

Now, it's the morning after, and I'm sitting here thinking how the men in my life must think I really am a ho'.

Tupac's song is in my head. "You wonda why they call you bitch?"

You wonda why they call U bitch.

Look here Miss Thang
hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman
and you need to change.

In tha locker room
all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha nigga
played your ass.

It was said you were sleeezy
even easy
sleepin around for what
you need

See it's your thang
and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free
or make your money on the corner.

But don't be bad and play the game
get mad and change.
Then you wonda why these muthafuckas
call you names.

Still lookin' for a way out
and that's OK
I can see you wanna stray
there's a way out.

Keep your mind on your money,
enroll in school.
And as the years pass by
you can show them fools.

But you ain't tryin' to hear me
cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom
'bout to get tossed up.

Still lookin' for a rich man
you dug a ditch,
got your legs up
tryin' to get rich.

I love you like a sista
but you need to switch
and that's why they called
U bitch, I betcha.

hmmmm.....perceptions, shady things. I went home alone last night. Do I hang with my men? Why yes I do. Shady hours of the morning when I do make a phone call? Yup, sometimes. Does it mean I was doing what I shouldn't have? hardly ever.  Am I gonna stop? nope, I'm not. But if someone is going to know who I am, they're going to know I don't do things that way. Trust. One man at a time. I'm a loyal girl. Always have been. I always will be.

C knows this. Mad Game knows this.

So, as I stated earlier, you ever get the feeling you don't know what's going on?  I know what I'm doing, what and who I'm not doing,  but that's about all I know. I hope that's enough.