Letter I'll never send to Someone:

I’m lying in bed talking to my housemate about an old love. I tell her I’d move to Nowhere, Alaska to follow this guy, and all he’d have to do is say the word. Then I tell her he’s happy now somewhere in California, and has a new love that will probably last him forever. I tell her that’s when you know its love. I just smile and say "If he’s happy, I’m happy."

Somehow the topic switches to how I’ve made this old love my measurement to what and who it is I want in my life now. I tell V, "That’s why I think I still hold on to Someone." I know he’s told me he’s through with me and each day a bigger part of me believes it.

To be honest hurts, but I consider the circumstances.

(Hey if you’re reading this consider this an interlude of a JM song--take a break from what you think the next lyrics should be and listen to what’s being said in the now….)

I fell in love with him because he had ambition. Because he was a descent enough guy to put others first and his heart second. He was awesome. Still is.

I’ve been wondering what’s been going on between us for the past few days. I thought I had my emotions in check, and know I do in a sense. I know that like most of my life, I can chalk this one up to experience. I know I can walk right by, not look back, and stand firmly, head held high despite the earth feeling like its sliding beneath me.

Another part of me knows it’s just words, or worse yet it’s just my resolve. If I make up my mind to be okay, I’ll have to believe it.

I know the inconsistency might be unbearable but, it goes both ways. So, I’m wondering what’s gone on and I’m up to throwing some theories out there.

I wonder if I’ve ever been anything to anyone, or if I was ever something to someone?

I toss it around in my head. I think about how I might have been something convenient. A willing participant; sitting at the sideline of someone else’s emotional crash site. Knowing what I was, what we weren’t, and still taking what I could, because it was enough at the moment.

I think about another alternative. I think that maybe someone, somehow, for five seconds let himself care about me. The hell that would have been. To put your heart second to do what you know is right. To try to move on from what you know is comfortable, even if it is pain, to venture into an unknown? To know that the risks certainly outweigh the momentary excitement and that the real risk laid in becoming closer to falling into the same pain you were working so hard to still recover from.

 

I think to myself what I was doing. Was I looking for a freedom I knew I had lost, and if so, now once found, why bind myself to a moment? I think to myself what am I doing now? Have I reverted to something? While it may not comfortable, is at least not new, or unknown?

I think to myself, I’ll never really know, and the only thing I want to know is that right now, we’re good.

I ask myself what I want, and that’s the only thing that seems to come through clearly. What I want and what I miss is someone to talk to till sleep overcomes me. What I miss is not talking-- but listening to someone, who needs no direction in life, but tells me just so that I might know that person a little more.

I miss knowing that even though I’m sleeping in a bed alone, I’m not. That someone might get me. That someone wants to feel someone’s silhouette lying in their bed too.

I want a friend, that’s it. Just a friend. Someone that knows me, and isn’t worried that my little world has no space for them, but rather they might be smack in the middle of it on Monday, and that by Wednesday I might need to be reminded to breathe. Friday I might want to loose myself in the night, and Saturday I might want to find myself in your arms. The thing is I don’t need anyone for that. I’ve always been willing to take what I could.

If next to me, is all that you need to be, would you settle for fantasy, if that’s the best you could do? Could I have my cake, can I have you too? Would you follow me? Could I ask you too? Would the world between us break these ties that we’ve worked so hard to realize?

So maybe as J-low says, I am stupid. Maybe I’m just dying to set myself up, only to fall on my ass. Maybe, but maybe I’ll never know if I don’t put it out there. And like usual, yes, I am ignoring her on this one, even though I know she lectures me because she loves me and fears for my heart. Again, just another reason you question who you say what to.

I think I’m just confused. I think I want something that might not exist, or is something I only thought was there. I just don’t think things have to be this confusing, this complicated.

Why do people insist on making simple things like ‘I make you happy, she makes me happy,’ into something complicated? Why give it so much thought? Why do people think that by loving a person, they automatically loose their friend? Despite everything, I still believe that my best love is going to be the man that understands me as a friend. I still have the best of me to give. Why would I let a friendship die because I love the person now? Isn’t that a new deep?

Why insist on worrying about tomorrow when today hasn’t even finished?

I’m thinking as far as tonight, and as far back as the last good memory, but that’s about it.

Maybe I have a different take on clarity. I hear: don’t waste time worrying about figuring out if it won’t last forever, don’t pay mind to the rainy weather, don’t worry about remaining in our lives together—I keep hearing the calm only comes when you don’t keep score. I hear if you keep tossing the worry around, you’ll never sleep, you’ll always be busy, and you’ll weight three times your body, and miss out on the moment at hand.

Is anything enough to kiss the ground,

I’m here now, she’s here now.

So one last question; one last quote. Do you think men want to be fought for as much as women do?

I know it was me that called it over, but

I still wish you had fought me to your dying day,

Don’t let me get away…