I'm 23 and the world has indeed changed. To begin...23 is--as C says,--being "18 with 5 years experiance."
Cousin Ray, did let me go home with someone...drunk! The scariest feelings ever is to know you've allowed yourself to become absolutely vulnerable. To know you've lost the ability to fight if you need to. VERY fortunately, the guy that took me home was decent enough to finally leave me alone after my saying NO, STOP, and I'M DRUNK for the 100th time....that; and perhaps he knew he was a scream away from my cousin killing him. Fortunately, they were friends and my cousin had keys to his house and followed us to the house where we were "All going for more fun"--yeah---fun. NE-ways drama I'm glad was over when it was and hopefully never to be repeated. Worse thing ever though is to know I allowed it to happen...that I never cut myself off---it was no ones responsibility but my own, and I know now I could have really paid the price for this one transgression....
On a more current and upbeat note...storage unit is opened tommorow and the move begins. Today we searched frantically for the keys to the unit, but came up empty handed, but did get rid of a lot of unwanted memories.
Memories....I don't know why I hold onto them...here I am at this moment listening to a cd, I can't seem to let go of. The emotional attatchment anyways. It sucks when music is tainted by memories. That forever in your mind will be an imprint of his head on your shoulder or the feeling you got when you heard a song and you just knew it summed up everything you felt at the moment you had no words for. I've renamed this cd time and again in my head, and now I question my intentions to ever give it away...
Memories are the past aren't they???? *SIGH*****
Let's talk about the present? The new housemate makes a bold statement yesterday..."Don't fall in love---JUMP!" Haven't I always? I wish I could write a "play-by-play" on where I am right now but somethings are meant for your heart and your heart alone. The horoscope seems to be accurate today...
I'm upset with myself for holding on the way I do, but somehow feel vindicated knowing I'll come out stronger in the end. Vindicated knowing this music is truly no ones and that the meanings and memories burnt to a simple disc can be changed, forgotten, or re-created with or by new people...
New people....it scares me so much. I am terrified of whats emerging in my life; scared of the unknown and the risk my tired battered heart takes each time it aches to be lost to another. It bothers me to know I love being loved.
For once things are going to be different though...I feel it. As T would say, "I know it." It really is going to be the happiest I've ever let myself become. The only risk I know that lingers on now is the risk of it ending. And I can deal with that...everythings got to end...even this summer...I have to let it go...I have to be happy.
Wow, even thinking of him makes me smile. I mean I can't screw this one up, lol! Being me is what he loves. Grey sweats, no make-up, hair messed up. Tight dress, made-up, hands in his hair. It's all the same in the end. And I don't love him for loving me...no it's not like the others...no...I just, well, that's just it, I really don't have to explain. For once, the words that I depend on to vent and express, are just ---lacking?
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