Don't know why....

Well, staying with my Daddy. Chillin' on the couch and contemplating spending  a few hours of day dreaming in our pool. Been a little freaked out recently for a lot of reasons. Lambda-ness has kept me responsible and I'm feeling more and more like I am a true authoritive figure. Been being the "big sister" to all the siblings, so much in fact that I called one sister by the wrong name....let me tell you, its worse than saying the wrong name in bed....not that I've ever done that?

Speaking of beds....grrrrr.....staying solo for a while I think. Not because I think the offers aren't there; but, for sanity, self-respect, a little patience...the respect of what it means to share that with someone. Maybe something I've forgotten and should re-aquaint myself with. *sigh, Spirit works in unknown ways, but always a lesson....hard as they may be.

Rather than be bitter at life or boys or girls or anyone for that matter, I'm learning to love deeper and trust more than ever before. It's amazing that I can say that given my circumstances lately but...well, forgive if possible, learn if ready.

The most beautiful thing, happened....my 14 year old crush, who finally moved on with his life and is now dating a girl he will be seeing this week (GO M)....Well n-e-ways, M, he came by to come see me, just me, the sis wasn't there. but just came to say hi, and that he wanted to say goodbye before I left. Isn't that beautiful? I thought so.

Speaking of love, it seems to be happening all around me. J, has decided to put away his pimp cap, and settle down with a girl for as temporary or lasting as it may be....a notion I truly admire and hope to learn from as well.

I'm learning to love the people who have asked me for friendship as just that, friends. Some I think need it more now than ever; and are making the calls I still pick up; while others---- I wish I could show them how truly I do care for them, just seem to be unwilling to let that relationship develop.

Which goes to the last and probably most personal and hidden topics of my life right now---loving the friend. Neverland becomes forever more a dream replaced by an even better reality.

I've begun to count the days till I leave this place of heat behind me, but still question what awaits me. There are no longer what-ifs, or a laundry list of fears, but meerly the anticipation of what might be. (J-low, shares this reality, and understands the love I have behind this statement deeper than anyone I think.  ---I picture the tatoo on my back and the symbolism of how naked I truly have become....We're beautiful aren't we?)