um...okay....

*sigh, okay world, i don't even know what to say.

work is killing me!!!  lol, not really, it's the easiest job in the world. i just don't like waking up at 8 am.

guys, i'm starting to hate this place. Theres nothing and no one here for me, I think. I love c, and thats great, but he's stupid and well yeah.

then theres Mr. cool calm and collected, and as predicted by my dreams I guess, there was a third girl, eventually everyone would  see as the "winner"???

Do you ever win in these games in love?
I don't think so. I'mn sitting here, all heart broken but not really surprised.
I think people know when other people are through with them, and I think I was done three weeks ago.
Here's an analogy: I think I'm like a carton of milk??? the expiration date was coming up, and eventually it passed, and yup, now everything has just gone bad.
well, not bad, I just feel thrown away. tossed aside and disregarded for tommorows trash.
(reminds me, trash day is tommorow? hmmm...)
I don't even know what to feel. I mean part of me knew it, saw it coming, and to be honest I'm not even sad. I mean you can't be sad over something that was truly never formed right?
I can't be mad that someone doesn't love me back? I mean, c'mon, did I ever expect it to work???

maybe I didn't, but yeah, i did hope for something, I don't know why. *sigh. I do feel hurt. I know that. it hurts when the guy you love is able to just disregard you after a week and be like, oh yeah, I'm dating someone new.
How do you respond to something like that?:
"Oh someone else? Cool."
"Hmmm....someone new, great,---good job?"

I don't even know. --Thats the truth of it, I just don't even know how to feel anymore. I have this feeling like I want to mix between a laugh and a cry.
I really think that is my way of coping.
Laugh till you cry, cry till you sleep?
But I'm not sleepy. *sigh
People--he found someone new!
I'm not really talking to anyone, just the voices in my head. I think if I tell myself over and over again, it might sink in.
---
you know what hurts the most? let me tell you, (my journal, I can do that)
amoungst my list this is whats hurts:
1. the fact that he said he cared and then in less than  24 hours he was with someone new.
2. the fact that he was able to leave his girlfriend for this new girl, which makes me think I really must have screwed up
3. I hate the fact that I have this complex like I'm not good enough!?!?!?
--Sidebar: do you know what J-low has made me recite as a mantra to get through this? (Again let me tell you-- my journal, my perogitive.)
the mantra is as follows:
"I am a strong, beautiful, and independent woman. Though it may be hard--and it may take all my strength--I will get through this-- and I deserve better."
Yeah, O-kay!
*sigh! I hate this! Seriously, how come your heart can't listen to 1. the boy saying, "Im dating someone new" 2. Your brain saying, you will not die. this is okay?
and 3. everyone that Does know, saying "Let go already" it's driving us nuts!!!

Grrrr...wow, I hate this like 5 people know that My life is upside down over this stupid heart hic-cup, and sadly, this guy is dating someone else!!! I mean c'mon, Why can't I get this!
I guess my other personality's response would be: 1. he's dated someone before, and that never stopped you. 2. the body says, hmmm I vaguely remember that, and Mr. someone was good times, you should defn. not let someone like him go, and the hearts saying hmmm, yes brain you're stupid, I'm breaking so, shut up and let me love him. 3. everyone is really only no one, because they all think i've moved on, to what or whom I don't know because as far as I can tell they all think I'm happy working.
*sigh yeah, okay. trying to calm down.

talked to the "other ex" today, you remember the "real ex" the one whom I was engaged to, did love me, made a big mistake, and as I still recall tried to run me and J-low over, yeah that one. yeah, talked to him today. randomness. Weird talking to him. feel like telling him, yeah so you moved on huh? yeah, me too, and now I'm miserable, so rejoice!
lol. you know me and j-low have talked recently about the reprucussions of my summer, what it would mean, what it would do, if anyone, who really gave a damn might ever find out. we predicted death (again another dream, in which someone is thrown off a roof)--ww3, to where allies and enemies of bloodslaughter would be picked and, a possible burning at the stake or stoning. ---yeah, all pleasant things to be reminded of everytime I feel like "sharing"
---never gonna happen. I should just move away now. change my name, my number, move to Novascotia and forget the life I had. (lol)
wow, i really do love this guy. I really do and it absolutely sucks, I almost cried, but I'm not. Like a moron, I'm rationalizing this in my head about how "I have no right to be upset" and "It's okay" and "one day..." wishful thinking. *ugh! disgusting.
I make myself want to throw up.
This is what Alcibides meant in the symposium about erotic love, this right here!!!!
this disgusting, hold people undeserving onto a pedastal, hold yourself below the earth, and pray that just a glance will be given to you and all will be well.
Errrr.....well , when I'm done being an idiot world, I'll let you know.
Until then I guess the lights still on, the doors still unlocked, and my phone is always on.
Maybe the universe will be nice and give me newness to love? okay--here comes my "grape side" (lol) i don't want anything new, I just want things back to better? *yeah, k, shutting up now.