"I need a simple---kinda man!!!!"---she screams as we turn the corner

As I pop in the latest and greatest compilation of C's mixology and CD producing skilz, I begin to ponder....

Things are so weird. I don't even call C anymore to talk. It's sad. My thereapist has said I am allowed ten minute conversations with him, and that it's okay, because e's my best friend and i shouldn't be forced to go cold turkey.

Therapy. For those of you living under or rock, or have noticed me living under mine (yes, the nice invisible purple one---ooops, shhhh, i didn't say that out loud, did I? LOL--private joke I'm sure a select few undstand). Hmmmm.....
awww yes, therapy.
As I said to the lady who sat across from me for two hours solid, I'm not above help.
I do think I'm a goddess, I do think I'm a victim. I think life has really decided to jack with my head in the past few months, and well, before I completely loose it I should probably seek at least one session of professional guidance.

The ex has scared me. he has become more unstable then even and like a sweater unraveling , i too am becoming to unravel.
I think people feel that they are not closely interwoven but they are.
As I begun to express my whole drawn out sordid relationship with my ex, my best friend both C and J-low, distinct romance and crash and burn attempts of the like, which can only be accounted for as "seasonal insanity" as I look back--welll----*sigh
--As i explained to her the whole sordid affair I couldn't believe the emotional garbage both held within, and pressed upon me.
I mean yes, some drama I fully admit I completely brought upon myself--hence "seasonal insanity"--as always looking back I have no regrets, I undstand my rationalizations, and still hod true to the feeling I did and do posess about that whole bizarre "whatever"
*puzzled sigh
Well, whatever.
The thing is though, some things I don't bring upon myself.
Let's take these past two weeks, and my final breaking points which have now earned me the loveable nickname of "spaz" from C.
(C--who is partially responsible, shall we ever get to "that" later)
But----the now and later:
The now is that I am in therapy. Directly I shall say because of my inability to allow things to just "go" or maybe to "just let go"
But let us delve deeper.
I did not asked to be called on friday with accusations of taking peoples "happiness" or "reasons of being"
I mean I've always been conceited but I've never thought myself so self important to control another persons thoughts or actions, I mean c'mon.
Well, sure enough this blatant denial of responsibility to my cntrol on at least the influence of others feelings, may have been teh exact same reason, some one else is gaining control over me.  (oh quick aside, no "someone", just some one, the ex, to be exact)
Yes, well, the ex now has entered my life, and I don't even know if he knows he has.
But heres the severity of the situation. I think he's unstable yet I'm in therapy.
I have been sent home from work for "low performance" and to "recouparate"
--Do you know how pathetic I feel?
To be sent home for feeling responsible for someone else's flip out????
UGHHHHH!!!! Agravating to say the least.
But there it is. Plain as day I am the one crying at intersections, wondering if I'll attend the last remembrances of a man I once loved, all while feeling guilty as hell, and not having one ounce of remorse all tied into one.

Is this clear? perhaps not. perhaps it shouldn't be.
Atop, all random past lives coming to haunt me, the following has interjected itself upon my life: Area responsibilities to my beloved organization have me spending enormous ammount of money I do not posess. Traveling to schools and setting up meetings with  Coordinators I do not know, Most importantly giving myself  a burden that I really don't have to take on, but ah the crazy things we do in the name of love--this time love of an organization
Meanwhile,
(this is wheere I wish people would hear the announcer from the old Batman series---Meanwhile---)
Yes Holy Blunt Smokers Bat-fuck, hehehe wow, tht one was too close to real, yes well.
Smoking, hmm, bad habbit I almost started. Almost, as if Lighting a cigarette sticking it in your mouth and puffing it till it's gone doesn't constitute a relapse? hmmm
smoking is nothing compared to the drinking.
Aw, AA here I come. I am a trouble child, and all my friends remedy me with mind altering substances.
It's quite odd really. I don't think I have a drinking problem. yet let me consider the past few nights?
This morning--(yes I know, not last night, but hair of the dog???)
Last night--one shot, one mixed drink; Rationalization: 21 year old birthday celebration.
Oh wait: I also had a drink before the game: OJ and Captain: rationalization: pre-game drink
K-night  before:  half a bottle of wine: not my fault: I was all dressed up to go to the homecoming dance, didn't go, because I'm responsible, ended up staying at home all dressed up with no where to go, C took pitty on me and brought wine and a movie over. in the words of C "God I love wine"
well before C came over, I had started that night too: why? because I was freaking loosing it! I had just missed the homecoming game because I was being a responsible Supervisor and doing an emergency meeting. I thought I had earned a drink.
Okay: night before: hmmm. This is looking bad.
Okay night before: Drinks with the girls: I wanted dish on the "house" and with the "ex" what better way to do it than over margarittas at chillis? okay so 5 of those? but really it's one presidente right????
alright night before: *sigh, this isn't what it appears, really* Marine wanted to go out, we exchanged: "whose life is worse" stories: I won. Of course. two mixed drinks for me two beers for him,
Night before????um....no, see no drinking on a monday night? um.....hmmmm....sad thing is I don't remember monday. I just remember crying. lots of crying on monday, wanting to smoke on monday. didn't but wanted to. no by monday i was smoking. i don't think i drank??? worse thing is I don't remember
Sunday, didn't drink but wanted to,
Saturday, don't remember
Friday: double tequilla shots.

thats it thats all i can honestly remember.
well, yeah, thats pathetic. And if anyone wants to judge, go ahead, but seriously deal with the week I had and  then judge, I guarentee, you would have been drinkng too.
one of those nights I didn't drink, C kept me content, I remember that....weird convos me and C have been having lately, very truthful, very real, we're all growing up so very fast.
speaking of growing up. I need to. LOL. so does my taste in boys. Yes new boy. what else is new--well this boy i guess, brand new, a whole maybe twelve hours old, and perhaps looks about twelve years old,
no i lie :)
but he does look only 21, if that,
i think I'm ridiculous. Boy gives me a hug at work, and all of a sudden it's enough to catch my eye. I mean, hmmm. Okay hmmm stop.
yeah. hmmm friday night, C ditches me and tequilla ness for his bro's ---yeah, k. we ended up talking till 1 as usual.
OH YEAH, that was my saturday!!! I played pissed off wifey at his parents. lol, yeah, pretty funny when the sis tell you to "stop fighting like an old married couple" --*lol, I laugh beccause I know it's hilarious. aw yes, that was a real night,
C blew me off last night too, got drunk off his ass and I assumed flirted with every girl that qould let him. hmmm. does it disturb me?
yes and no,
yes because he's a dork,
and 2 because he's well, in C's words "were gonna play a game, and it's called I win"
-----
blah, do you love how this is just a random string of incohesive, but very eloquent verbal garbage that explains nothing?
________hahah
story of my life: elaboration without purpose.
shall we update boy-ness:
only love one boy as always, he knows it, he's confortable with it, "Great"
Laundry boy, i think he's given up:
Marine: um: yeah unresolved issues with the ex still
grrr, ex, need to stay away, grrr, might hurt him
other, um ex?--ewe--yeah, have no idea, saw that through tear-shot eyes, can't imagine the spaz he thought he knew---but then again, he knew a very uncomplicated version of me---I like that, i want that again--no responsibilites, no cares, no worries, etc etc---maybe thats why i got attatched?  still a bafflement sometimes
salsa boy, haven't tried to call him since last friday when he blew me off, grrr, should call him, all others, well obviously not important enought to mention right?
no i lie- poor playa playa, his yanks lost :(
all others i just a dillusional if i think i talk or tink of them more than 5 minutes in a day?
but seriously, huh?
----
boy at work--young, prob. underage. bad. prob smokes more than cigarettes, cute baby face, def, not my type. hmmm
must stop.
must learn to be alone.
this is why i need a therapist. no external validation from boys!!!!!
_________oh
important stufff:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOUR AND FIVE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AOS
HAPPR BIRTHDAY "--NESS
______yeah
CONGRASTS TO HER ROYAL CUTENESS, NOW BACK ON BAND< DESPITE A JACKED ENGLISH TEACHER
OH AND I LOVE YOU TO MY 14 year old CRUSH! THANK YOU FOR THE VOICEMAIL, HEE HEE
HMMMM---okay loserness, is me, I nmeed to do homework, yeah, homework.
and you know what??? some people need to either get AIM or start getting on it, me being alone out here in the internet world pisses me off and makes me want to look up chatrooms to find friends-just so i don't have to talk on the phone.
hmmmm---did i eat today?
damn, I ate one pizza, 2 beers, a rice crispy treat, a bag of cookies, and a coffee this morning, ---yeah, and i wonder why I'm looking and staying sick! grrr
what else was i supposed to watch/ do?
journal-K. Watch alcohol consumption--k. watch dependency on boys--k, stay away from ex--uh huh. What else? homework? yeah i should do that huh. hmmm. boring. --yeah need to get tips on how to motivate myself to get back to school. hmmm
grrr.
okay, J-if ya wanna through some luv my way, and a status update, it would be much appreciated, (you know since this was just so short)