I write in this “journal” as an immediate release of emotion. As such, I think if anyone ever reads it, people must really think I’m bi-polar. Good thing I’m trying to get over what other people think.
Blah. You ever just feel blah? Like you get all wound up about something, then you’re just like whatever. This has happened to me so much lately.
E.g. 1
I’m running for a national position in my sorority. Doing so I have to answer a questioner about my goals and aspirations. I stare at a computer screen and write page after page of what really matters to me, to the point that I have to get up, pace, sit down, feel nauseous, scream a little because, I feel like this is the most important time to really express everything that could be expressed, and ultimately because I just really give a damn--- and then when it’s all over I’m like, “Yeah, okay. Whatever”
Eg.2
I’m sitting in my new “bed” and am getting yelled at by my mom and her new boyfriend on the importance of cleaning rooms, etc, etc, and I’m like I’m 22 years old, I have a car, and a savings account, and this is bullshit, I can leave; but then I snap and say to myself “No, you can’t, you have no job, you have no place to go back to, hell you don’t even have gas….” Then I wake up this morning and I’m in the shower realizing my mom bought me new shampoo and conditioner, my sister made me breakfast, and I really don’t want to go anywhere but to law school . So it’s all petty, both sides just petty—and since I think I get that- I go, fold some clothes, make my bed, and thank my sister for breakfast.
I think “Whatev.”
E.g. 3
So I think for five seconds I’m in love. Okay more than five seconds. But anyways, every time my mind is capable of not being distracted (which is a lot lately), it goes to this one guy. The friend, the someone I think that might understand me, the someone I want to get to know, this guy who has time and again told me at least once anything that was between “us” is non-salvageable,--and I think I’m either slow or stupid, because, I keep going back to this guy wanting to say the right thing, or do the right thing, or just not say or do the wrong thing. And I ask, “Why?” My head swirls back and forth between memories, and I think about how he made me feel. I frame in my mind single moments, things he said, those little things he did—and didn’t have to, etc, etc, and I’m left all high.
My ex, T, used to tell me, when it’s real, “you don’t think-you know.” I wrap my mind around thinking if I created this “thing” between us, or as this guy put it, I wonder how much of him I just imagined, and if I’m going to stop and take that time, to see the ‘real’ him. This frustrates me, because I never imagined him to be this phenomenal guy. I mean he is a great guy, but I have no delusions as to whether or not anything between us would work, or be worth it, or even if I’m really in love with him. Hell, I told my guy friend C last night, “C, I’m more in love with you, then I am with this guy, not because I couldn’t love him, because I really, really think I could, but because I know I love you—even as a friend, and I know you love me, and that makes me love you more—at least for right now”
I go back to what I know. I know he made me feel special. I know he can’t do ‘this’ right now. I know I can wait. Then, I go through more assumptions; I speculate that he might really feel something for me. I want him too, anyway. And I hope that what’s going on right now is that --he is pushing whatever he feels for me away. I think he’s gone through the excuses as to why we can’t work. I kind of think that isn’t working for him. I think he wants to be happy, and I think a little part of him knows I could probably do that for him. But that would require him taking a chance on it not working. I think he weighs it, against being comfortable, and maybe I don’t measure up. Back to what I know. I know he said he wanted to take a chance. I know when I was with him; I made him feel something, maybe exactlyas happy as he made me feel. Maybe nauseous. Maybe I should just leave him alone, if you really love them let them go theory---Maybe, I should just keep telling him, that him and his broken heart don’t scare me. That I can deal with him just not knowing I’m ever going to compare. Hell, I honestly know I never will, I’m not willing to even compete, I can’t—I’m not her, can’t be, it’s just different, no worse, no better, just different. I delete him from my buddy list, just so I don’t have to see a stupid yellow away message. Five minutes later, I put him back on. And I put my away message back on.
The high of “over thinking” comes and then goes. JM’s lyrics go through my head, “she’s heavy into everything.” Everyone wants a sidecar. I smile, and then like a candle, blow it all off. Whatever he wants, I think. Not because I don’t care, but because I’ll be okay in the end. Whatever.
