The ups, the downs, the in betweens

My cousins man is okay....Whew!
and I was reminded how much I love my friends.

It was great seeing you today "P", I think we're good, how 'bout you?

C--totally is coming through like a champ, helping me out left and right with my "duties" as a Sorority guru....lol.
Great, I hear the real headline now....
Latina greek, gets all her wisdom from a Mainstreamer....
yeah, well, what of it. :-P

Mr. Boots is Missing in Action. Which is kinda scary, you know with that Iraq thing and all, but, I'm staying strong to the book LADIES, --> There is no reason to call him. If he's really into you, he'll call you. (There really should be a chapter on deployment!)

So, once again, I'm adjusting to this....to want is to be disappointed. *sigh. well, his loss right?
Right.

Feeling better today, maybe the meds are finally working.
Maybe I'm just not allowing myself to get caught up in the "boo-hoo, I've got the flu thing any more?"

anyways, Last day of work is tomorrow!!!! YAY!!!!!
so pizza, and then yeah, more Sorority work....um...yay???
Well, on the plus side, I did find out I have my job back next semester, so yay, rugrats, for another year!!!!!
um...wait...yay???
hmmmm?

My Marine got tanked last night, YAY?!?!?!
okay too much of a pattern.

This is me just obviously exhausted and needing veg time....
I did my work!!!! Yay! only to have more tomorrow--> okay, that is a clear BOOOOOO.
anyways,
I've done all I can do...
the rest is up to you.

L, M

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice. I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

Just when you think you have it bad...
I get a call from my cousin, "Hi. Can I get the Abq Police department number...oh you're invited to my baby shower"
FIVE MINUTES LATER...phone rings again. cousin ask,"Can I get the number from UNM H?" I ask, whats going on. Car accident.
Someone died. Her boyfriends being flown to Abq. i'm her only contact here. I tell her to rest assured and that he'll have
flowers by morning. In a way that moms do i guess, she says thank you. remains calm, and will forward me his room number as
soon as she acquires it. She misses and loves me. then hangs up. and I thought I had it bad with the flu.

bleh...

Feeling like crap!
One of my co-workers says its the stomach flu...It seems to be going 'round. When I pulled my car over this morning (just) to throw up, I'm inclined to believe her....

I'd love to send that message to my mother..."hey mom, I threw up this morning...." --She'd die. LOL
Well, UNLESS the Lord himself has decided I am the "chosen one," NO PEOPLE,  I am still going to lawschool before I have a kid. Despite popular beliefs, conception without action is still highly implausible....

The doc is at a loss; as usual, they assigned the regular antibiotics. As usual, they ran the same damn white blood count test...this is like the hundreth test....and as usual, I'll be deemed "all normal"--in a week. It's so sad, to know you know more than medical staff...I know what this is...its the same thing that happens during every finals week. I get stressed,  I get susceptible, I get sick.
Simple stress, or at least I can hope. Thanks to all my well wishers ;-). I'm sure I'm fine and just killing myself slowly, follow-ups in a week.
To be honest, the only thing that really blows is the fatigue. I can't stay awake to save my life, and while I'm done with school, I still have work for two more days, I just hope I don't get my little ones sick, but I suppose since I probably got it at school, they're either imune to it by now, or are the ones that brought it to me....
(Little rugrats that light up my life. )

In other news: Hey 3, I miss hearing from you, and congrats on the piercing. You will make someone very happy---as soon as you heal that is??? Anyways, today was nice.

C, like me is sick, he thinks he has a cold/cough or something though. I figure as long as we don't breathe each others air we should be good, LOL. Hoping the night I passed out at his place isn't what brought his ill-ness on...the last thing I need is him being mad at me for yet another thing I can not control.

Marine and J, have been life savers in the "listening" and "guidance" they have provided via phone and IM.

which brings me to....yes 3, Mr. Boots.

(It really is such a fitting name...if we ever are more than friends, and he lets me, I'll relay the story. )

Well, for starters, he just signed on. LOL... I swear he is psychic. Or just this crazy kool guy.
*sigh*
BUT as I stated much earlier, he hurt me hard, and yes he did apologize, and he didn't have to. I mean....he's dealing with going over to Iraq. He's non-emotional and I can see how commiting to a long term relationship is the last thing he needs to be dealing with...especially regarding he only met me for less than 24 hours.
Me, I have school, and the sorority, and law school upcoming. I don't need the pressure either.... I guess that's what works. That and he's a billion miles away...

He hasn't called since Sunday and I suppose thats okay....this flu thing has me passing out any way.  I am hoping that he is sincer in his attempts to try this out though...
I just got confortable with leting this guy back into my life, the last thing my system can handle is a liar...I truly feel I would throw up all over again....bleh!

JK, I think its the medicine.  Better health and my love to my little universe. Ms. V. brought Tai....yeah, Tai and Pinot Noir....can we say, no wonder you're sick. lol.

MUAH!!!

As I wait to be seen in a doctors office, I grow increasingly more impatient.
15 Minutes ahead of time for my appointment only to be told I have no appointment.
After pulling out a nurse issued appointment card, i'm assured of service and to go wait. After half an hour, I approach a
separate staff person. "Your not on the list". "I KNOW That. I asked to be put on the list Half an Hour ago.""Well we'll put
You on the list. " I smile. "GREAT..." I proceed to sit. An hour and 25 more minutes pass, and as I practice even breathing
in an attempt to not kill someone, i'm called to fill out a form. I complete said form in 2 minutes. I'm then told to go sit.
Which I do, and am continually doing for now 35 more minutes.
The incompetance of those suffocates me as i realize I am dependant upon them for returning to me a status of my health.
Well, working for the school system. it has it's rewards, and then it has its drawbacks.
Today was definately a drawback.
IN OTHER NEWS: Mr. Boots called last night, and like magic we got back on the same comfortable page.
At least from my perspective, I think he knows Now, I'm worth the pursuit.
And I am....We will see if he continues his efforts.... I'm still numb, not sure what to think...
I did hang up the phone with a smile though...he does have that ability
oh, and after a fabulous talk with Him... I know now, we'll be happy
Regardless of what either of us do.

In summation...

"There's no crying in baseball!"


C took me out to the Brick...after a highly unappetizing slice, and a poor beer selection, we settled for the guarantees in life....

Rum and coke....
We played the game I requested..."Tell me something I don't know about you"
He started..."When I was younger...." --fascinating but not enlightning,
My turn...
" Please don't be mad......""I met someone last week, his name was ......., " and then I proceeded to cry.

"Lets take a walk," he said.

I agreed and we covered "us" like we hadn't done in years....what made me hurt, why I now felt jaded, the optimism slowly turned to fatalism.

I told him I was happy for having met such a guy, he had opened my eyes into the person I wanted to be when I was truly "with" someone I would love...but even as I explained it to C, I realized the fear and intimidation I created in men, and swore never to do it again..."Ijust had no right to present ME to him all at once..it is too much." I concluded.
Too much, too soon....the fall that would inevitably lead to the crash...
----------
J called in the midst and reminded me as always, that I will always be loved....
yeah babe I know...and thanks.

My Marine called, and aside from re-affirming our "best friends" wedding pact, offered to buy he first round when he returned to ABQ.

Mom called and asided from hiding the "I told you so"in her voice... asked about what was truly important, and i assured her I had passed my final, and that I would be very careful drinking that evening...
-------------
This was a promise I had meant to keep.
1 very large pinacolada later however, I found myself in a tipsy daze being guided by C through the random-ness that is downtown Burque.

To say I had fun would be an understatement, meeting and getting autographs from the band, Galic Storm (TRULY Awesome) as well as learning the local talent via bar hopping, was just what I needed. ...
That and the liquor undoubtedly helped.  ("[S]he didn't die of drinking, she dies of tirst!"
---------------------------
I awoke this morning to have breakfast served to me in bed....french toast, fresh oj. It was wonderful...
The moments leading to breakfast while not hazy, still feel distant.
Heartbreak, bar, band, bar, band, bar, long talk in the plaza, a request to lay my head down .... and then breakfast, as if I had never even met my soldier a week ago.
---------------------
As I've said before, when my words and mind aim to decieve  me, my body always reveals the truth....
A soreness throughout my body....
Everything ached....still aches....

Reminance of 45 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes of beating the emotion out of myself vis-a-vis a pair of boxing gloves and a very heavy boxing bag....

Perhaps it worked, for now all I feel is the pain of my body....
My desire for hoplessness romantisism, my desire for any form of relationship, my optimism towards life, all grow exceedingly numb....yet, no remorse, no regrets, nothing to remind me what-so-ever that it ever existed.

There is a rationality within me that explains that this is just passing....that greif will perhaps return at some later time, but for now, I am just numb....denial overcome by soreness, emotion overcome by rationality, and now...the only pressing emotion I have is one to "just be."

Should my soldier call, let me know he hurts equally, I will go back...
Should he only want friendship, I will oblige...
Should he never call, well I have memories....

He has given me introspection into myself, and for that I am forever grateful....

------------
Men aren't alone in the ability to detatch, to seperate, to shut off emotion.
For like a light switch, I have decided--just as I relayed could be done--not to feel, not to hurt.

I've known for a long time that it is my descison  who hurts me and whether I can fall apart and be hurt...lifes too short. I've been hurt before, I remember whait is to let life impact you...to fall apart based on something that you have no control over....so in the words of my baby sister..."how bout I don't and said I did?"

LOL. I'm actually happy. happy for a clarity I reached on introspection, happy at my ability to control the situation at hand without falling to pieces and happy that I depend on noone to Create my happiness. I let myself be happy....I choose to be happy, and I feel great, because to know me is to allow yourself to be caught up as well and to feel that momentarily. Knowing that if  i can/have generate(d) that for even a moment in another, well, let it be so.
I'll just be....
whoever wants to be in my pressence is welcome.

It's only as complicated as youchoose it to be...

On the long shot that you're reading soldier, if you're not letting yourself be happy, don't be lame, and smile :)
------------

Despite being disillusioned, and having seen the error in the optimismin thats intrinsically entangled in the hopeless romantic, I am reminded, there's no crying in baseball.

Crash and Burn...

as quick as it has begun, like so many things in my life...
it's over.
I can't but help hearing the "I told you so's"

Even after just a small tear letting this morning, I realize,
what more could I have hoped for?

it always ends...

shallow waters lay with someone else.....

I think I might start using names in this journal. I don't know why I've always been everything else to everyone else....

I guess in some way I wasn't as committed as I say I was either...I still called HIM last night, and yes Mr. Someone, I was reaching out for you last night....and why?

because deep down I knew, despite my "affection" for Mr. Boots....he hurt me....
and I don't get sad I get even.

That and I love being listened to....which is where He comes in...
and I love being held....thats where Someone else comes in...
and...
once again I thought one man can be both....

to want is to be dissapointed...

I've got a month of vacation right ahead of me...and despite wanting to live it up in my "bad girl" way....maybe this "break up" for a lack of a better term, was just what I needed....

For once I'm not questioning, what I did wrong though....I never did anything wrong with you Mr. Someone, I just loved you.
I never did anything wrong with HIM, I never did something wrong with my EX, I never did anything wrong with T---
I'm an incredible, intelligent, wonderful, caring and compasionate person who loves with every fiber in my body....thats who I am.
It's got nothing to do with me.
-------------
Heres to me....

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Final Today....

So I'm at Zim, Ms. V. took my phone...working on the Final that is still freaking me out.

The debate within me rages on...to go or not to go to Alaska....

Are you insane says the little voice in my head....

If Ms. V finds a way, I'm going...no money, no guarantees, but, I'll be on that flight...

My poor guy though, he really wants to pay for EVERYTHING,...and it bothers him SO much for me to spend my own money on just the ticket...

If Ms. V, gets the ticket, I know it will be forcing his hand...but I'm going to see Ms. V's Family....yeah, sure, that's why I'm going....LOL

In other news, I really needed a Friend last night. 700 dollars lost yeah, could have used you C....but I'll wait till I'm "forgiven" --
I guess.--
Really could have used the help.

Which THANK YOU, My Marine, called as though thru instinct, and settled me down.

Poor NEW GUY!!!! (We'll really have to come up with a name for him)
Me and Ms. V, call him Mr. Boots....long but short story. But it's fitting....so maybe. unless I change it, lol

So poor MR. Boots. I think we had the closest thing to a "first fight" as we could for this being an extreemly new, extreemly not commited, extreemly nothing type relationship....
He doesn't want me to go into financial jepordy, I don't want him to go into financial jepordy, it's like the war of "but if I spend money on you, it must mean I care..." fighting "I will never stop caring about you, please don't spend a dime"
both ways....
Most divorces end in financial struggle.
Well, add this to ME freaking the hell out over a final, and having a THIRD PARTY in control of both of out finances  and feeling out of control....yeah,
plus the intensity of it all....
him leaving, this fealing like a one time shot....
yeah. it got tense....
(if you ever read this baby....cuz i know you're crazy kool, and look up all kinds of -ish up on me, lol, I'm still sorry)

okay, well, back to the damn final...

UPDATE:
It's 9:12 PM My time....Ms. V is doing her thing at the bars....and where am I? Doing my damn Final! Still! Ridiculous!!!!!!
Yes, when this is done, I'm drinking....A LOT!
I am in the I don't give a damn, where are my heels, lets do this Coyote Ugly style and look for the nearest bar to dance on!!!! UGH!!!! must be done in 20!!!!

Oh p.s.
1 I ned to get the Notorious Cherry Bombs....
2 Mr. Someone, your blog dates are scarrying me, and yes I do still check in on you...I miss you too.
3. Mr. Boots. HAHA, if you're reading this I'd be dying but if you are....why aren't you out enjoying your last weeks of freedom??? hmmmm????  It's friday, don't be lame, smile...know that I miss you more than anything, and yeah....8.2....
I really should go up.....miss you.