before i nap

*yawn. Got sent home today. I'm exhausted, yet thouroughly pleased with myself.
I have a pimp halloween costume, i had tons of fun last night.
LOL. OMG. 18 year old boy comes by my cubicle today and first thing he tells me, is where was I? LOL After the debate as to whether or not it was me that missed him, or him that missed me, we summed up with well, whatever.
LOL He got sent home too. Maybe us 8 in the morning people should meet in the afternoon instead of at midnight huh?
oh well.  *sigh
Still don't know what to do. Heaven and Hell should be soon, don't know if I'm going/want to go/am invited to go. Still so hurt, so very very hurt. Worse, is everytime i think I want to explain it, i keep thinking people think I'm "emotional" --so it's like forget it, no one cares, you know?
well, Three gets it. as per IM summary, and that's conforting. DZ hears me, as does my royal cuteness of a sister, J-low will listen but all the girls are in line to "just forgive him"  They don't get it i think? They really don't get that I'm so mad, I just might let him go, just let it all go, should he say one wrong word.  I don't want to loose him, thats why I'm taking time.
The boys in my life get it, J-votes "sketchy" as always, but really knows it's the oddest thing, and actually is shocked that "of all people, HIM"
Marine votes "yeah we're stupid" as he says all men just don't realize and sometimes need a wake up call.
me---sleepy. gonna sleep, maybe there will be a party tonight. maybe. we'll see.

More tired than buzzed

Sleepy, so sleepy,
miss C, I know it hurts me more than him.
thats why he isn't calling, or maybe he's scared i won't pick up.
i won't. i miss my friend
went out with my marine,
saw the ex's best friends. an occurance ussually accompanied when i'm with the marine, odd.
meaning, every time i'm with the marine, i run into my ex's friends, very odd
non-intentional, swear.
18 yr old boy from work was supposed to meet me tonight but he was probably smarter than me and realized we have work in oh lets see, 6 hours, omg, i have to go to bed!!!
i miss him. awwww
#12 is prego!!!! omg everyone is starting "real" life
me, i can barely handle a dog. lol
we get a dog in two weeks yay.
bought an awesome costume for halloween
hmmm wonder if i'll use it.
i'm so buzzed as i write this....
she's always buzzing like neon, neon, lol
wonder how that guy is doing, hmmmm
don't really care to be honest, i mean outside of the friendship realm i guess,
awww, i miss C. and I'm mad at 18 yr old, but not really,
 lol
18 yr old is cute, he is so shy,
i wonder what the hell i'm gonna do about that boy,
*sigh, doesn't matter,
maybe it's because i'm tipsy, but
does it really matter what you do when your heart belongs to someone else?
i guess we'll find out
lol, esp. after a certain girls initiation date,
OMG i'm still so mad, and still so hurt, and yet i can't stand this,
lol
well not going to cry, going  to pass out
dear higher powers let me wake up and be able to go and function at work!!!! lol. ha ha
mmmmm...candy :)

awww....i want my C's shirt, i just want to be close in that go do whatever kinda way, but just let me wear your shirt, and your cologne, and sleep in your bed...yeah...lol
yeah....wow....
boys are dumb....
drinking
1 rum and coke, 1 long island
ate dinner, ate alot,
using boys specifically 18 yr old to get over this C thing, not good, dependency!!!!
:)
okay sleep, must sleep, bye, go away shhhhhhh

IM Summary

Well here is the summary, if you know me this isn't as "coded" as it might seem, in fact it might be way to much of an overshare, but, well, it's just for me, because well, this really does summarize where I am.
LOL--Besides I would be sharing these feelings but I'm too worried that would be taken as me being "Emotional"---ugh!!!! Still mad....but well here's the truth of the matter...In IM form:

ME: so, what should i do now?
Three: you don’t want to be all, ok I forgot everything happened and happy with him
Three: but you don’t want to be bitchy cuz he is a good friend

Three: if i where you id let him know that are boundaries that he is not allowed to cross
Three: no matter how good of a friend he is
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: b/c he is playing with you emotions
Three: which I’m sure he knows
ME: the funny thing is i don't think he knows
ME: and worse Three
ME: i don't think i know what those boundaries are any more?

ME: Me and “HIM” have always been boundary less, and I don't know where to put those lines you know?
Three: yeah,
Three: but have you always had these feeling for him?
ME: and worse again, I don't know if I want to put boundaries out there, because, well, it's like you said I still have feelings for him and I don't want him to ...
ME: he said that that’s what he loved about me, i don't want to loose that
Three: I understand that but
ME: I've always kinda liked him
Three: you can’t allow him to one day want to hook up
ME: but no, I only started loving him since summer
Three: and the next tell you he's going on a date
Three: but if boundaries are what you don’t want
Three: I’m thinking one sec
Three: :-)
Three: so keep it bounderiless
Three: but let him know that you have feelings for him and you don’t want to feel like he is
ME: keep thinking--lol
ME: which is what? I’m confused
Three: taking advantage of that fact
ME: oh
Three: do you understand what it is I’m getting at?
ME: yeah
ME: kinda

Three: just b/c you are good friends
Three: does not mean that he can play with your emotions
ME: except, i don't think even I or he knows when he's taking advantage of me as a good friend vs he takes advantage of me as this girl that likes him
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: ah
Three: well what is it that you think will resolve this?
ME: what?
ME: him falling madly in love with me
ME: all over again
Three: im sure he know what he is doing
ME: loll
Three: :-)
ME: is that a bit much to ask for?
Three: and honestly girl hes a guy
Three: no
Three: it's not
Three: but
Three: :-)
Three: do you think that's going to happen?
Three: relisticaly
Three: if yes
Three: than thats good
Three: i hope he does fall madlly in love with you
Three: but if not, you two are still best friends
Three: and im sure you dont want to lose that at all
Three: you there?
Three: oh, i was saying he's a guy
ME: yes
ME: yeah
Three: all of them are ass holes
ME: and---pleaase continue!
ME: lol
ME: well that was blunt
Three: :-)
Three: after the crap that we both have put up with from guys that's the only way to do things with them
ME: hold on
Three: :-)
Three: k
ME: okay sorry continue
Three: oh look
Three: i just got your text message
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: so, what do you plan on doing
ME: see
ME: hold on let me read your last part one more time
Three: fyi except my grandpa, he's not an ass hole :-)
ME: hmmm....lol
ME: i'm still confused, kinda...my turn to talk for a sec
ME: k--*sigh
Three: yes please do
Three: cuz im confused as well
Three: lol
ME: he is my best friend, and to be honest it sucks being mad at him,if i could not be confused about what i felt for him maybe this would be easier, the fact of the matter is I want everything to be the same and yet I want things to change...i want him to trust me with everything yet now that yes we have hooked up--i don't want to hear all the "horney little details" --but then again, he NEVER told me all those details, actually the only thing we've ever done is bitch about the opposite sex, me to him him to me,----
ME: so--
ME: i want him to ofcourse tell me everything, but then again he never did tell me everything, basically i want out summer back, i want it to be like, yeah, you're going here and partying and yeah i'm going there partying and you're with blah and I'm with blah, and thats cool because blah will never mean as much to me as you do?
ME: does that make sense?
Three: yes, very much
ME: and i don't know if thats necessarily boundary-less ness or what but i know thats what i could live with if “HIM” doesn't happen to fall in love with me, 
ME: get me?
Three: but you have to deside what it is that you want, and yes i get you girl
Three: i now you want him
Three: as a bf
Three: boyfriend, bestfriend
ME: right
ME: exactly
Three: but things happened
ME: i want both, i really do
Three: i know girl
ME: but i don't know why that has to make things so jacked up!!!!
ME: grrrr
Three: well if you want things to be like they used to be
Three: then let him tell you who hes been with
Three: and know that you mean more to him than she did
Three: be secure with your friendship with him
Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
Three: and, hopefully you will get what you want, which is him
Three: otherwise
ME: but after that email girl, do you know how hard it is to trust him with that? Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
ME: otherwise???
Three: you are going to be miserable no matter what
Three: after the last email?
Three: when he apologized?
Three: cuz in that one he said that he said he could call you when he does not want to talk to his brothers
Three: maybe you are not the only one he talks to, but he knows that he cancall you
Three: one to many he saids :-)
ME: lol
ME: i was talking about the email where he said he's not going to talk to me first, that he's going to talk to his brothers first, and that I'm going to be gone...PLUS, he said, (lol) that he's going to put our friendship on the side while he lives his "adventurous side" ----.it makes it really hard to believe that I am that someone specail in his life anymore, or that he would ever want me to be,
ME: make sense?
Three: yes, very much so
Three: but you also have to pay attention to the last email that he sent you
ME: *sigh, I'm all sad huh?
Three: :-)
ME: yeah---i'm trying to but really how much is it worth? i mean is it what i want to hear, i don't even know anymore
Three: :-\
Three: well girl, like i said
ME: the sad thing is, I should know this boy, but after that first email, i mean really my faith in him got shaken so bad
ME: it's like my foundations of all that was true just crumbled
Three: ok scratch that forgot what i said
ME: lol
ME: do you see where i am though?
Three: i totaly understand
ME: thanks
Three: you feel like
ME: lol; i'm glad somebody does
Three: you love him
Three: and all of you wants to love him
Three: and you see NO way of letting that go
Three: but at the same time
Three: you know that he is playing with you emotionaly
Three: or that
Three: he wants to love you back
Three: but
Three: he cant
Three: or wont
Three: for reasons that are beyond you
Three: ?
Three: but you still want to try
Three: b/c you see that tiny little speck of hope
Three: which keeps your love for him alive
Three: no matter how tiny it may be
Three: and even if you dont work out, which would crush you,
Three: you are still going to be his friend
Three: b/c you dont want to lose that,
Three: ?
ME: yeah....wow
Three: yeah
ME: i'm all stupid and wanting to cry now
Three: i just basicly told you how i feel about  @@@
ME: yeah, i kinda figured
Three: dont feel stupid about it
ME: but yeah. . . wow
ME: i guess not right, lol---
Three: i know how you feel
Three: :-)
ME: we're two very smart intelligent woman--
ME: fast but slow
Three: LOL
ME: LOL<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>
Three: that was great
ME: well you have to go soon right?
ME: it was
ME: i feel all close to you now
Three: yeah
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: good, that makes me very happy
ME: mind if i throw some of this in the journal--all names changed of course?"

cubicle-ness

so robbing the cradle? hmmm, dunno, every girl i talk to says just go for it,
i think women think men are objects just for our emotional consumption.
something to be used up and burnt out on....
kinda like the cigarettes i've been putting out three fourths done, *sigh
he's only 18 and thats a lot to put on a guy  
but maybe thats what i need
a slightly older and more "legal" version of my 14 year old crush--
lol, i guess being with someone younger has always been a bonus to me, because it's like, i don't have to remember how complicated "grown up life' really is.
lol--i heard he got caught by his mom for smoking cigarettes, how cute!!!
ne-ways we exchange numbers tomorrow, lol, i guess like always I'll let myself see where that goes.
J's calling and consoling me tonight, and DZ will be spending the night to accompany me at the god forsaken hours i work. lol

oh, i'm so tired. smoking is going to kill me! Literally, must stop.
both me and the 18 year old will stop, lol  
fuuny, i'm already making plans for the boy, lol, i told him how to change his tmobile bill too, so i could talk to him for free, lol, I AM AWFUL
NE-ways, the C thing hurts more than ever, ....more in a later episode, it bugs to much to go there now, but a summary will occur.
love you who love me, thats the only way it can be.
muah

Time waits for no one---yeah....wow....
Marine to meet on Thursday. Dinner
must stop drinking---Tonightt, blue hurricane, sangria, um, a beer. two cigarettes

quick rebuttle

okay. men are just the weirdest.
for one, do I walk around with a sign that says quick rebound?
because really, lol. I'm just at this point to where one boys making me cry while another is trying to get my number., it's the weirdest thing. Do I  put out that vibe, like, hey come rescue me? I dunno.
Ne-ways, he thinks I'm out of his league, lol, for once he might be right.
hmmmmm.....party this weekend, oh yes, what oh what to wear.
"Costumes- Highly Encouraged"

seriously, are all men the same?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so done.
I am so done with putting myself on the line and just freakin' making everyone happy.
I'm going to law school, moving far far away from this miserable little town and just GRRRRR!
I can't believe I freak'n came back here thinking I had a man in my life that finally was in the same place as me.
Oh my fucking, GRRRRRRRR
Per the therapy:
Bad behavious to watch:
Seriously, the scratching has begun. I made my arm bleed while giving advice to a sister. Wouldn't have noticed but like i said, i scratched til i bled . EWE...gross, everyone who reads this must be freaking.....calm down people, it's like bitting your nails til you've got no more to bite, it's just a nervous habbit. me---i scratch unconsiously in one area without noticing, the next thing i know i've rubbed my skin raw. it's a bad thing we're monitoring now. it's really sad too, because now i have all these stupid scabs on my forearm and knuckles. very weird.
Anyways: told my roommate to hide bottles. Really wanted to drink this afternoon, told her to just hide everything. Sad but what does doctor phil say? Fail safe enviornment.
Food: I ate a grilled chicken sandwhich from sonic, tator tots and a chery limeaid, ummm, yeah thats it. I know i need to eat but on the plus side, i've lost twenty pounds lol. yeah--not healthy
Boys, okay this is bad, almost pulled out my cell phone today in anger and was just going to call boys til i got one to come over, isn't that awfl--whats worse, is i know my ability to do so, and well, yeah, it's bad
but--didn't called J-low, then called mom, went to class desite not wanting to,
then didn't answer his text, his calls, or his emails.
I have too much to deal with to have the boy I love jack with my head too.
NO OVER.
I have learned SO MUCH FROM MR. SOMEONE
Hint to life again: when you want someone out of your life, you really can fucking make them feel it i guess.
UGHHHH! I hate that.
He's supposed to be the one I trust, the guy I can always depend on,
Most famous words, this evening as I recount to J-low my misery;
in short five minute version
"I'm so pissed. So very fucking pissed. I'm leaving, I'm leaving this damn state. I don't know why I came. Well I do, and that reasons gone now, and yeah, fuck it. I hate this, and the worst thing is, the worst thing is, I'd expect that from [insert boy name here] but to here that from [Insert name of boy we are so pissed at but unfortunately love here]--that just---i'm not mad, i'm more....hurt. I hurt that he doesn't even know me. and HE, he of all people should. I'm at class, I'm going now..."
yeah that tripped J-low out. So much to the fact that she probably called him or something. lol. i don't know. not answering voicemail. you know what--if YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, YOU'D prob know why i won't turn off my phone, but YOU DON:T KNOW, YOu don't care, and you're not reading this, so I'm screaming at no one, just to get it out.....* and UGGGGGHHHHH
I'd not go to work tommorow if I thought I could get away with it, but i can't and yeah, I have a fucking paper due tommorow, and I'm sure HE DIDN"T KNOW THAT, because you never fucking care enough to freaking ask, but Yes I know you have your test, so yeah, good luck with that. UGHHHH. J-lo's right, they always figure it out a second too late, and then what. nothing.
uh---me alone, with a book---no i'm not answering! I see you on my phone and you're making me cry and I felt so miserable I wanted to go back to my ex, and that the total wrong reason, and very unhealthy and  GRRRR!!!!
You want me gone, i'm gone.
i love you but i need to love me. ugh.