IM Summary

Well here is the summary, if you know me this isn't as "coded" as it might seem, in fact it might be way to much of an overshare, but, well, it's just for me, because well, this really does summarize where I am.
LOL--Besides I would be sharing these feelings but I'm too worried that would be taken as me being "Emotional"---ugh!!!! Still mad....but well here's the truth of the matter...In IM form:

ME: so, what should i do now?
Three: you don’t want to be all, ok I forgot everything happened and happy with him
Three: but you don’t want to be bitchy cuz he is a good friend

Three: if i where you id let him know that are boundaries that he is not allowed to cross
Three: no matter how good of a friend he is
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: b/c he is playing with you emotions
Three: which I’m sure he knows
ME: the funny thing is i don't think he knows
ME: and worse Three
ME: i don't think i know what those boundaries are any more?

ME: Me and “HIM” have always been boundary less, and I don't know where to put those lines you know?
Three: yeah,
Three: but have you always had these feeling for him?
ME: and worse again, I don't know if I want to put boundaries out there, because, well, it's like you said I still have feelings for him and I don't want him to ...
ME: he said that that’s what he loved about me, i don't want to loose that
Three: I understand that but
ME: I've always kinda liked him
Three: you can’t allow him to one day want to hook up
ME: but no, I only started loving him since summer
Three: and the next tell you he's going on a date
Three: but if boundaries are what you don’t want
Three: I’m thinking one sec
Three: :-)
Three: so keep it bounderiless
Three: but let him know that you have feelings for him and you don’t want to feel like he is
ME: keep thinking--lol
ME: which is what? I’m confused
Three: taking advantage of that fact
ME: oh
Three: do you understand what it is I’m getting at?
ME: yeah
ME: kinda

Three: just b/c you are good friends
Three: does not mean that he can play with your emotions
ME: except, i don't think even I or he knows when he's taking advantage of me as a good friend vs he takes advantage of me as this girl that likes him
Three: one sec
ME: k
Three: ah
Three: well what is it that you think will resolve this?
ME: what?
ME: him falling madly in love with me
ME: all over again
Three: im sure he know what he is doing
ME: loll
Three: :-)
ME: is that a bit much to ask for?
Three: and honestly girl hes a guy
Three: no
Three: it's not
Three: but
Three: :-)
Three: do you think that's going to happen?
Three: relisticaly
Three: if yes
Three: than thats good
Three: i hope he does fall madlly in love with you
Three: but if not, you two are still best friends
Three: and im sure you dont want to lose that at all
Three: you there?
Three: oh, i was saying he's a guy
ME: yes
ME: yeah
Three: all of them are ass holes
ME: and---pleaase continue!
ME: lol
ME: well that was blunt
Three: :-)
Three: after the crap that we both have put up with from guys that's the only way to do things with them
ME: hold on
Three: :-)
Three: k
ME: okay sorry continue
Three: oh look
Three: i just got your text message
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: so, what do you plan on doing
ME: see
ME: hold on let me read your last part one more time
Three: fyi except my grandpa, he's not an ass hole :-)
ME: hmmm....lol
ME: i'm still confused, kinda...my turn to talk for a sec
ME: k--*sigh
Three: yes please do
Three: cuz im confused as well
Three: lol
ME: he is my best friend, and to be honest it sucks being mad at him,if i could not be confused about what i felt for him maybe this would be easier, the fact of the matter is I want everything to be the same and yet I want things to change...i want him to trust me with everything yet now that yes we have hooked up--i don't want to hear all the "horney little details" --but then again, he NEVER told me all those details, actually the only thing we've ever done is bitch about the opposite sex, me to him him to me,----
ME: so--
ME: i want him to ofcourse tell me everything, but then again he never did tell me everything, basically i want out summer back, i want it to be like, yeah, you're going here and partying and yeah i'm going there partying and you're with blah and I'm with blah, and thats cool because blah will never mean as much to me as you do?
ME: does that make sense?
Three: yes, very much
ME: and i don't know if thats necessarily boundary-less ness or what but i know thats what i could live with if “HIM” doesn't happen to fall in love with me, 
ME: get me?
Three: but you have to deside what it is that you want, and yes i get you girl
Three: i now you want him
Three: as a bf
Three: boyfriend, bestfriend
ME: right
ME: exactly
Three: but things happened
ME: i want both, i really do
Three: i know girl
ME: but i don't know why that has to make things so jacked up!!!!
ME: grrrr
Three: well if you want things to be like they used to be
Three: then let him tell you who hes been with
Three: and know that you mean more to him than she did
Three: be secure with your friendship with him
Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
Three: and, hopefully you will get what you want, which is him
Three: otherwise
ME: but after that email girl, do you know how hard it is to trust him with that? Three: and know that he knows you will be the one there at the end
ME: otherwise???
Three: you are going to be miserable no matter what
Three: after the last email?
Three: when he apologized?
Three: cuz in that one he said that he said he could call you when he does not want to talk to his brothers
Three: maybe you are not the only one he talks to, but he knows that he cancall you
Three: one to many he saids :-)
ME: lol
ME: i was talking about the email where he said he's not going to talk to me first, that he's going to talk to his brothers first, and that I'm going to be gone...PLUS, he said, (lol) that he's going to put our friendship on the side while he lives his "adventurous side" ----.it makes it really hard to believe that I am that someone specail in his life anymore, or that he would ever want me to be,
ME: make sense?
Three: yes, very much so
Three: but you also have to pay attention to the last email that he sent you
ME: *sigh, I'm all sad huh?
Three: :-)
ME: yeah---i'm trying to but really how much is it worth? i mean is it what i want to hear, i don't even know anymore
Three: :-\
Three: well girl, like i said
ME: the sad thing is, I should know this boy, but after that first email, i mean really my faith in him got shaken so bad
ME: it's like my foundations of all that was true just crumbled
Three: ok scratch that forgot what i said
ME: lol
ME: do you see where i am though?
Three: i totaly understand
ME: thanks
Three: you feel like
ME: lol; i'm glad somebody does
Three: you love him
Three: and all of you wants to love him
Three: and you see NO way of letting that go
Three: but at the same time
Three: you know that he is playing with you emotionaly
Three: or that
Three: he wants to love you back
Three: but
Three: he cant
Three: or wont
Three: for reasons that are beyond you
Three: ?
Three: but you still want to try
Three: b/c you see that tiny little speck of hope
Three: which keeps your love for him alive
Three: no matter how tiny it may be
Three: and even if you dont work out, which would crush you,
Three: you are still going to be his friend
Three: b/c you dont want to lose that,
Three: ?
ME: yeah....wow
Three: yeah
ME: i'm all stupid and wanting to cry now
Three: i just basicly told you how i feel about  @@@
ME: yeah, i kinda figured
Three: dont feel stupid about it
ME: but yeah. . . wow
ME: i guess not right, lol---
Three: i know how you feel
Three: :-)
ME: we're two very smart intelligent woman--
ME: fast but slow
Three: LOL
ME: LOL<u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p>
Three: that was great
ME: well you have to go soon right?
ME: it was
ME: i feel all close to you now
Three: yeah
Three: :-)
ME: lol
Three: good, that makes me very happy
ME: mind if i throw some of this in the journal--all names changed of course?"

cubicle-ness

so robbing the cradle? hmmm, dunno, every girl i talk to says just go for it,
i think women think men are objects just for our emotional consumption.
something to be used up and burnt out on....
kinda like the cigarettes i've been putting out three fourths done, *sigh
he's only 18 and thats a lot to put on a guy  
but maybe thats what i need
a slightly older and more "legal" version of my 14 year old crush--
lol, i guess being with someone younger has always been a bonus to me, because it's like, i don't have to remember how complicated "grown up life' really is.
lol--i heard he got caught by his mom for smoking cigarettes, how cute!!!
ne-ways we exchange numbers tomorrow, lol, i guess like always I'll let myself see where that goes.
J's calling and consoling me tonight, and DZ will be spending the night to accompany me at the god forsaken hours i work. lol

oh, i'm so tired. smoking is going to kill me! Literally, must stop.
both me and the 18 year old will stop, lol  
fuuny, i'm already making plans for the boy, lol, i told him how to change his tmobile bill too, so i could talk to him for free, lol, I AM AWFUL
NE-ways, the C thing hurts more than ever, ....more in a later episode, it bugs to much to go there now, but a summary will occur.
love you who love me, thats the only way it can be.
muah

Time waits for no one---yeah....wow....
Marine to meet on Thursday. Dinner
must stop drinking---Tonightt, blue hurricane, sangria, um, a beer. two cigarettes

quick rebuttle

okay. men are just the weirdest.
for one, do I walk around with a sign that says quick rebound?
because really, lol. I'm just at this point to where one boys making me cry while another is trying to get my number., it's the weirdest thing. Do I  put out that vibe, like, hey come rescue me? I dunno.
Ne-ways, he thinks I'm out of his league, lol, for once he might be right.
hmmmmm.....party this weekend, oh yes, what oh what to wear.
"Costumes- Highly Encouraged"

seriously, are all men the same?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so done.
I am so done with putting myself on the line and just freakin' making everyone happy.
I'm going to law school, moving far far away from this miserable little town and just GRRRRR!
I can't believe I freak'n came back here thinking I had a man in my life that finally was in the same place as me.
Oh my fucking, GRRRRRRRR
Per the therapy:
Bad behavious to watch:
Seriously, the scratching has begun. I made my arm bleed while giving advice to a sister. Wouldn't have noticed but like i said, i scratched til i bled . EWE...gross, everyone who reads this must be freaking.....calm down people, it's like bitting your nails til you've got no more to bite, it's just a nervous habbit. me---i scratch unconsiously in one area without noticing, the next thing i know i've rubbed my skin raw. it's a bad thing we're monitoring now. it's really sad too, because now i have all these stupid scabs on my forearm and knuckles. very weird.
Anyways: told my roommate to hide bottles. Really wanted to drink this afternoon, told her to just hide everything. Sad but what does doctor phil say? Fail safe enviornment.
Food: I ate a grilled chicken sandwhich from sonic, tator tots and a chery limeaid, ummm, yeah thats it. I know i need to eat but on the plus side, i've lost twenty pounds lol. yeah--not healthy
Boys, okay this is bad, almost pulled out my cell phone today in anger and was just going to call boys til i got one to come over, isn't that awfl--whats worse, is i know my ability to do so, and well, yeah, it's bad
but--didn't called J-low, then called mom, went to class desite not wanting to,
then didn't answer his text, his calls, or his emails.
I have too much to deal with to have the boy I love jack with my head too.
NO OVER.
I have learned SO MUCH FROM MR. SOMEONE
Hint to life again: when you want someone out of your life, you really can fucking make them feel it i guess.
UGHHHH! I hate that.
He's supposed to be the one I trust, the guy I can always depend on,
Most famous words, this evening as I recount to J-low my misery;
in short five minute version
"I'm so pissed. So very fucking pissed. I'm leaving, I'm leaving this damn state. I don't know why I came. Well I do, and that reasons gone now, and yeah, fuck it. I hate this, and the worst thing is, the worst thing is, I'd expect that from [insert boy name here] but to here that from [Insert name of boy we are so pissed at but unfortunately love here]--that just---i'm not mad, i'm more....hurt. I hurt that he doesn't even know me. and HE, he of all people should. I'm at class, I'm going now..."
yeah that tripped J-low out. So much to the fact that she probably called him or something. lol. i don't know. not answering voicemail. you know what--if YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON, YOU'D prob know why i won't turn off my phone, but YOU DON:T KNOW, YOu don't care, and you're not reading this, so I'm screaming at no one, just to get it out.....* and UGGGGGHHHHH
I'd not go to work tommorow if I thought I could get away with it, but i can't and yeah, I have a fucking paper due tommorow, and I'm sure HE DIDN"T KNOW THAT, because you never fucking care enough to freaking ask, but Yes I know you have your test, so yeah, good luck with that. UGHHHH. J-lo's right, they always figure it out a second too late, and then what. nothing.
uh---me alone, with a book---no i'm not answering! I see you on my phone and you're making me cry and I felt so miserable I wanted to go back to my ex, and that the total wrong reason, and very unhealthy and  GRRRR!!!!
You want me gone, i'm gone.
i love you but i need to love me. ugh.

"I need a simple---kinda man!!!!"---she screams as we turn the corner

As I pop in the latest and greatest compilation of C's mixology and CD producing skilz, I begin to ponder....

Things are so weird. I don't even call C anymore to talk. It's sad. My thereapist has said I am allowed ten minute conversations with him, and that it's okay, because e's my best friend and i shouldn't be forced to go cold turkey.

Therapy. For those of you living under or rock, or have noticed me living under mine (yes, the nice invisible purple one---ooops, shhhh, i didn't say that out loud, did I? LOL--private joke I'm sure a select few undstand). Hmmmm.....
awww yes, therapy.
As I said to the lady who sat across from me for two hours solid, I'm not above help.
I do think I'm a goddess, I do think I'm a victim. I think life has really decided to jack with my head in the past few months, and well, before I completely loose it I should probably seek at least one session of professional guidance.

The ex has scared me. he has become more unstable then even and like a sweater unraveling , i too am becoming to unravel.
I think people feel that they are not closely interwoven but they are.
As I begun to express my whole drawn out sordid relationship with my ex, my best friend both C and J-low, distinct romance and crash and burn attempts of the like, which can only be accounted for as "seasonal insanity" as I look back--welll----*sigh
--As i explained to her the whole sordid affair I couldn't believe the emotional garbage both held within, and pressed upon me.
I mean yes, some drama I fully admit I completely brought upon myself--hence "seasonal insanity"--as always looking back I have no regrets, I undstand my rationalizations, and still hod true to the feeling I did and do posess about that whole bizarre "whatever"
*puzzled sigh
Well, whatever.
The thing is though, some things I don't bring upon myself.
Let's take these past two weeks, and my final breaking points which have now earned me the loveable nickname of "spaz" from C.
(C--who is partially responsible, shall we ever get to "that" later)
But----the now and later:
The now is that I am in therapy. Directly I shall say because of my inability to allow things to just "go" or maybe to "just let go"
But let us delve deeper.
I did not asked to be called on friday with accusations of taking peoples "happiness" or "reasons of being"
I mean I've always been conceited but I've never thought myself so self important to control another persons thoughts or actions, I mean c'mon.
Well, sure enough this blatant denial of responsibility to my cntrol on at least the influence of others feelings, may have been teh exact same reason, some one else is gaining control over me.  (oh quick aside, no "someone", just some one, the ex, to be exact)
Yes, well, the ex now has entered my life, and I don't even know if he knows he has.
But heres the severity of the situation. I think he's unstable yet I'm in therapy.
I have been sent home from work for "low performance" and to "recouparate"
--Do you know how pathetic I feel?
To be sent home for feeling responsible for someone else's flip out????
UGHHHHH!!!! Agravating to say the least.
But there it is. Plain as day I am the one crying at intersections, wondering if I'll attend the last remembrances of a man I once loved, all while feeling guilty as hell, and not having one ounce of remorse all tied into one.

Is this clear? perhaps not. perhaps it shouldn't be.
Atop, all random past lives coming to haunt me, the following has interjected itself upon my life: Area responsibilities to my beloved organization have me spending enormous ammount of money I do not posess. Traveling to schools and setting up meetings with  Coordinators I do not know, Most importantly giving myself  a burden that I really don't have to take on, but ah the crazy things we do in the name of love--this time love of an organization
Meanwhile,
(this is wheere I wish people would hear the announcer from the old Batman series---Meanwhile---)
Yes Holy Blunt Smokers Bat-fuck, hehehe wow, tht one was too close to real, yes well.
Smoking, hmm, bad habbit I almost started. Almost, as if Lighting a cigarette sticking it in your mouth and puffing it till it's gone doesn't constitute a relapse? hmmm
smoking is nothing compared to the drinking.
Aw, AA here I come. I am a trouble child, and all my friends remedy me with mind altering substances.
It's quite odd really. I don't think I have a drinking problem. yet let me consider the past few nights?
This morning--(yes I know, not last night, but hair of the dog???)
Last night--one shot, one mixed drink; Rationalization: 21 year old birthday celebration.
Oh wait: I also had a drink before the game: OJ and Captain: rationalization: pre-game drink
K-night  before:  half a bottle of wine: not my fault: I was all dressed up to go to the homecoming dance, didn't go, because I'm responsible, ended up staying at home all dressed up with no where to go, C took pitty on me and brought wine and a movie over. in the words of C "God I love wine"
well before C came over, I had started that night too: why? because I was freaking loosing it! I had just missed the homecoming game because I was being a responsible Supervisor and doing an emergency meeting. I thought I had earned a drink.
Okay: night before: hmmm. This is looking bad.
Okay night before: Drinks with the girls: I wanted dish on the "house" and with the "ex" what better way to do it than over margarittas at chillis? okay so 5 of those? but really it's one presidente right????
alright night before: *sigh, this isn't what it appears, really* Marine wanted to go out, we exchanged: "whose life is worse" stories: I won. Of course. two mixed drinks for me two beers for him,
Night before????um....no, see no drinking on a monday night? um.....hmmmm....sad thing is I don't remember monday. I just remember crying. lots of crying on monday, wanting to smoke on monday. didn't but wanted to. no by monday i was smoking. i don't think i drank??? worse thing is I don't remember
Sunday, didn't drink but wanted to,
Saturday, don't remember
Friday: double tequilla shots.

thats it thats all i can honestly remember.
well, yeah, thats pathetic. And if anyone wants to judge, go ahead, but seriously deal with the week I had and  then judge, I guarentee, you would have been drinkng too.
one of those nights I didn't drink, C kept me content, I remember that....weird convos me and C have been having lately, very truthful, very real, we're all growing up so very fast.
speaking of growing up. I need to. LOL. so does my taste in boys. Yes new boy. what else is new--well this boy i guess, brand new, a whole maybe twelve hours old, and perhaps looks about twelve years old,
no i lie :)
but he does look only 21, if that,
i think I'm ridiculous. Boy gives me a hug at work, and all of a sudden it's enough to catch my eye. I mean, hmmm. Okay hmmm stop.
yeah. hmmm friday night, C ditches me and tequilla ness for his bro's ---yeah, k. we ended up talking till 1 as usual.
OH YEAH, that was my saturday!!! I played pissed off wifey at his parents. lol, yeah, pretty funny when the sis tell you to "stop fighting like an old married couple" --*lol, I laugh beccause I know it's hilarious. aw yes, that was a real night,
C blew me off last night too, got drunk off his ass and I assumed flirted with every girl that qould let him. hmmm. does it disturb me?
yes and no,
yes because he's a dork,
and 2 because he's well, in C's words "were gonna play a game, and it's called I win"
-----
blah, do you love how this is just a random string of incohesive, but very eloquent verbal garbage that explains nothing?
________hahah
story of my life: elaboration without purpose.
shall we update boy-ness:
only love one boy as always, he knows it, he's confortable with it, "Great"
Laundry boy, i think he's given up:
Marine: um: yeah unresolved issues with the ex still
grrr, ex, need to stay away, grrr, might hurt him
other, um ex?--ewe--yeah, have no idea, saw that through tear-shot eyes, can't imagine the spaz he thought he knew---but then again, he knew a very uncomplicated version of me---I like that, i want that again--no responsibilites, no cares, no worries, etc etc---maybe thats why i got attatched?  still a bafflement sometimes
salsa boy, haven't tried to call him since last friday when he blew me off, grrr, should call him, all others, well obviously not important enought to mention right?
no i lie- poor playa playa, his yanks lost :(
all others i just a dillusional if i think i talk or tink of them more than 5 minutes in a day?
but seriously, huh?
----
boy at work--young, prob. underage. bad. prob smokes more than cigarettes, cute baby face, def, not my type. hmmm
must stop.
must learn to be alone.
this is why i need a therapist. no external validation from boys!!!!!
_________oh
important stufff:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOUR AND FIVE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AOS
HAPPR BIRTHDAY "--NESS
______yeah
CONGRASTS TO HER ROYAL CUTENESS, NOW BACK ON BAND< DESPITE A JACKED ENGLISH TEACHER
OH AND I LOVE YOU TO MY 14 year old CRUSH! THANK YOU FOR THE VOICEMAIL, HEE HEE
HMMMM---okay loserness, is me, I nmeed to do homework, yeah, homework.
and you know what??? some people need to either get AIM or start getting on it, me being alone out here in the internet world pisses me off and makes me want to look up chatrooms to find friends-just so i don't have to talk on the phone.
hmmmm---did i eat today?
damn, I ate one pizza, 2 beers, a rice crispy treat, a bag of cookies, and a coffee this morning, ---yeah, and i wonder why I'm looking and staying sick! grrr
what else was i supposed to watch/ do?
journal-K. Watch alcohol consumption--k. watch dependency on boys--k, stay away from ex--uh huh. What else? homework? yeah i should do that huh. hmmm. boring. --yeah need to get tips on how to motivate myself to get back to school. hmmm
grrr.
okay, J-if ya wanna through some luv my way, and a status update, it would be much appreciated, (you know since this was just so short)

Email from a sister

My Sister

 Author Unknown

 

Every experience

Be it good or bad

Teaches us a lesson

Or at least it should

 

Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong

Learn from your mistakes

Keep the faith

Press forward, sister

Move on

 

Dry your tears

Wipe your eyes

Find the strength

Look inside

Don’t call him

Don’t see him

Don’t play one sad song

Block his cell

Delete his email

Look ahead ,my sister

Just move on

 

Love yourself

Take care of yourself

And if the need arises

Sister , please yourself

 

Do a check up

From the neck up

Say a prayer

Sista, hold your head up

 

Cause one day you’ll have all the joy your heart can hold

And then you’ll be glad you pressed forward

                                      And so thankful you moved on