Letter I'll never send to Someone:

I’m lying in bed talking to my housemate about an old love. I tell her I’d move to Nowhere, Alaska to follow this guy, and all he’d have to do is say the word. Then I tell her he’s happy now somewhere in California, and has a new love that will probably last him forever. I tell her that’s when you know its love. I just smile and say "If he’s happy, I’m happy."

Somehow the topic switches to how I’ve made this old love my measurement to what and who it is I want in my life now. I tell V, "That’s why I think I still hold on to Someone." I know he’s told me he’s through with me and each day a bigger part of me believes it.

To be honest hurts, but I consider the circumstances.

(Hey if you’re reading this consider this an interlude of a JM song--take a break from what you think the next lyrics should be and listen to what’s being said in the now….)

I fell in love with him because he had ambition. Because he was a descent enough guy to put others first and his heart second. He was awesome. Still is.

I’ve been wondering what’s been going on between us for the past few days. I thought I had my emotions in check, and know I do in a sense. I know that like most of my life, I can chalk this one up to experience. I know I can walk right by, not look back, and stand firmly, head held high despite the earth feeling like its sliding beneath me.

Another part of me knows it’s just words, or worse yet it’s just my resolve. If I make up my mind to be okay, I’ll have to believe it.

I know the inconsistency might be unbearable but, it goes both ways. So, I’m wondering what’s gone on and I’m up to throwing some theories out there.

I wonder if I’ve ever been anything to anyone, or if I was ever something to someone?

I toss it around in my head. I think about how I might have been something convenient. A willing participant; sitting at the sideline of someone else’s emotional crash site. Knowing what I was, what we weren’t, and still taking what I could, because it was enough at the moment.

I think about another alternative. I think that maybe someone, somehow, for five seconds let himself care about me. The hell that would have been. To put your heart second to do what you know is right. To try to move on from what you know is comfortable, even if it is pain, to venture into an unknown? To know that the risks certainly outweigh the momentary excitement and that the real risk laid in becoming closer to falling into the same pain you were working so hard to still recover from.

 

I think to myself what I was doing. Was I looking for a freedom I knew I had lost, and if so, now once found, why bind myself to a moment? I think to myself what am I doing now? Have I reverted to something? While it may not comfortable, is at least not new, or unknown?

I think to myself, I’ll never really know, and the only thing I want to know is that right now, we’re good.

I ask myself what I want, and that’s the only thing that seems to come through clearly. What I want and what I miss is someone to talk to till sleep overcomes me. What I miss is not talking-- but listening to someone, who needs no direction in life, but tells me just so that I might know that person a little more.

I miss knowing that even though I’m sleeping in a bed alone, I’m not. That someone might get me. That someone wants to feel someone’s silhouette lying in their bed too.

I want a friend, that’s it. Just a friend. Someone that knows me, and isn’t worried that my little world has no space for them, but rather they might be smack in the middle of it on Monday, and that by Wednesday I might need to be reminded to breathe. Friday I might want to loose myself in the night, and Saturday I might want to find myself in your arms. The thing is I don’t need anyone for that. I’ve always been willing to take what I could.

If next to me, is all that you need to be, would you settle for fantasy, if that’s the best you could do? Could I have my cake, can I have you too? Would you follow me? Could I ask you too? Would the world between us break these ties that we’ve worked so hard to realize?

So maybe as J-low says, I am stupid. Maybe I’m just dying to set myself up, only to fall on my ass. Maybe, but maybe I’ll never know if I don’t put it out there. And like usual, yes, I am ignoring her on this one, even though I know she lectures me because she loves me and fears for my heart. Again, just another reason you question who you say what to.

I think I’m just confused. I think I want something that might not exist, or is something I only thought was there. I just don’t think things have to be this confusing, this complicated.

Why do people insist on making simple things like ‘I make you happy, she makes me happy,’ into something complicated? Why give it so much thought? Why do people think that by loving a person, they automatically loose their friend? Despite everything, I still believe that my best love is going to be the man that understands me as a friend. I still have the best of me to give. Why would I let a friendship die because I love the person now? Isn’t that a new deep?

Why insist on worrying about tomorrow when today hasn’t even finished?

I’m thinking as far as tonight, and as far back as the last good memory, but that’s about it.

Maybe I have a different take on clarity. I hear: don’t waste time worrying about figuring out if it won’t last forever, don’t pay mind to the rainy weather, don’t worry about remaining in our lives together—I keep hearing the calm only comes when you don’t keep score. I hear if you keep tossing the worry around, you’ll never sleep, you’ll always be busy, and you’ll weight three times your body, and miss out on the moment at hand.

Is anything enough to kiss the ground,

I’m here now, she’s here now.

So one last question; one last quote. Do you think men want to be fought for as much as women do?

I know it was me that called it over, but

I still wish you had fought me to your dying day,

Don’t let me get away…

Morning After

You ever get the feeling you don't know anything that's going on?

Last night was--as the yahoo astrological guru--predicted? Completely unplanned, but for the most part a'ight.

Came late, and everything was dead. Did our loyalty stop, to the boys in blue, and all seemed to go well. The ex ignored me, I ignored him. Finally met the newest bluest pledges, and according to the "girl-rating" they're surprisingly up there. High 8's, 9. Me, eh. Just my boy "friends" are too much drama for me lately. Weird I never thought I'd say my boys are drama, but last night was hard!

So after loyalty-ness, we swing across the street. Party is hot in my oppinion, but my girls want nothing to do with getting they're fly selves wet. Can ya blame them? Stupid boys with their water hose, and we all looked good last night.

So we exit after many bad cell calls to one another: "huh? meet you where?" "what? I'm by the DJ" "Hey, what? where?" "Outside!" "what?" "GO OUTSIDE?" "OH BY THE DJ"

Yeah, well. So after this is the phone call that KE is done for the night, which blows because my Playa Playa boy guarenteed me a good time. So, oh well. But we're standing out side freezing waiting for another of our party that evening to show up, and were waiting and waiting...but then C calls. I excuse myself nicely and bounce to the purple rock. He wants his stuff I've had in my car for like two days. K, no prob. But there is a problem, and I finally just tell him how miserable my life is, and how he's a jack, and I don't really care about rush, his school schedule, or how 5 cents isn't making a dollar right now. I was determined by the end of the evening, he was going to give a damn about me. He tried. He tried really hard. I was a bitch though,  and after giving him back his "issshhhh," we parted on hard words. Like "If you were my friend..."

Blah, so that ends with the arrival of the last of the girl squad, and it's like 12:30. The parties end at 1! So we're their looking cute, but basically with no where to go. Standing and waiting has made everyone irratable, and my ladies are ready to bounce. After waiting for one of our crew to be picked up by her man, we resolve, inside loyalty land is the best option of the evening. So, although we are no longer standing in the wind, now -I at least feel --we are standing unconfortably in my ex's living room. I'm like "how did this end up to be our night?" As we greet men into their own house, like a freak'n welcome committee, my night turns an even stranger hue of randomness.

Random why? Well moments before, I resolve my night will turn into something of anything. So I break my rules and TM Someone. Breaking rules, because actually, I was scared to death he was mad at me, for some unknown reason, but I tried to rationalize it as his ever "busy" life. So I TM him as we wait in the house of probability, cause I'm thinking anything can happen. We stand and chit chat, and as doors open, in comes Mr. Someone with whom I can only assume "his girl."  Now I'm not the jealous type, never have been. But you ever get that feeling like you got the wind knocked out of you? It was one of those moments.

I must have been a hard read, though, cuz my girls, did a scan, and asked directly, "You okay?" Like I never missed a beat, and as if the sky wan't blue, I respond casually like responding to the door opening or our present situation of being in an unconfortable setting "What? Oh, the door. No, it's cold, but I'm fine." (and as persons of no input were around I move to change topic "Oh, hey yeah, you told me XXX started dating some girl. yeah, thats her? huh, good for him. Anyways, so are we going to bounce?"

We exit, and as I feel the earth sliding from beneath me, I know I need a friend. So despite the ruff words left from earlier this evening, I suck it up and tm C. "Can I come over?" Like a true friend, five seconds later, I can tell he rolled out of bed from sleeping "hey, meet me at the side door"

Four thinks I'm abandoning her, and I beg everyones forgiveness as I go to some "frat house." 

As I enter the house tears start flowing down my cheeks and I sit myself down in my normal "councel me" spot, looking at my best freind who is so tired of my shit from this summer, and I say emphatically "Boys suck."

I go to take my shoes off and I get a message on my phone. Apparently plans have fallen through? Maybe I am welcomed, more than I thought? now I'm just confused.

C, and me (like always) talk about nothing serious, and he makes me smile. In the midst of our ramblings about the short skirts this evening, my Playa Playa calls me up.

"Where you at?" "None of your buisness" "Shut up" "Make me" "You're a moaner, there is no shutting you up" "Whatever, what d'ya want?" "Get your ass over here" "I'm busy" "With who, you hoe?" "None of your buiz-ness"..."When you're done sucking him off, come over here" "Aight"

C, knows this routine of mine. I could hang with C, and for an hour C, he lets me cry those silent tears, the ones where your eyes water and you just don't cry only because he's got ya hanging on to his story about nine year olds in the water. (he's a swim coach)  We talk about some things but mostly about nothing. I know he could care less about what I do once I leave his house. 

It's amazing. I leave his rock, not feeling better but content I have a friend in the world that would forgive all my shortcomings. He knows where I want to go and he teases me as to where I'm going first. "Scandall-ass-ness? or Good-Times?"

Now let me laugh at the irony of how the rest of the evening and how most of this can be percieved and how things really are.

C and I have supposedly been "doing it" for I don't know how long according to his brothers, and actually my ex, too. Ever happened? NO

Playa Playa. While he may have and may be "Mad Game," he is my homie! He calls me at 4 in the morning telling me about the 2 girls he slept with earlier that night, and about the 3rd chick he macked, and how later she went pyscho and threw a punch at him making his nose bleed. "It's four in the morning, come over, make me breakfast, or let me sleep" I tell him "Fine, call me manana, ho'."

Now, it's the morning after, and I'm sitting here thinking how the men in my life must think I really am a ho'.

Tupac's song is in my head. "You wonda why they call you bitch?"

You wonda why they call U bitch.

Look here Miss Thang
hate to salt your game
but yous a money hungry woman
and you need to change.

In tha locker room
all the homies do is laugh.
High five's cuz anotha nigga
played your ass.

It was said you were sleeezy
even easy
sleepin around for what
you need

See it's your thang
and you can shake it how you wanna.
Give it up free
or make your money on the corner.

But don't be bad and play the game
get mad and change.
Then you wonda why these muthafuckas
call you names.

Still lookin' for a way out
and that's OK
I can see you wanna stray
there's a way out.

Keep your mind on your money,
enroll in school.
And as the years pass by
you can show them fools.

But you ain't tryin' to hear me
cuz your stuck,
you're headin' for the bathroom
'bout to get tossed up.

Still lookin' for a rich man
you dug a ditch,
got your legs up
tryin' to get rich.

I love you like a sista
but you need to switch
and that's why they called
U bitch, I betcha.

hmmmm.....perceptions, shady things. I went home alone last night. Do I hang with my men? Why yes I do. Shady hours of the morning when I do make a phone call? Yup, sometimes. Does it mean I was doing what I shouldn't have? hardly ever.  Am I gonna stop? nope, I'm not. But if someone is going to know who I am, they're going to know I don't do things that way. Trust. One man at a time. I'm a loyal girl. Always have been. I always will be.

C knows this. Mad Game knows this.

So, as I stated earlier, you ever get the feeling you don't know what's going on?  I know what I'm doing, what and who I'm not doing,  but that's about all I know. I hope that's enough.

Bubble goes pop?

 Leo  Those plans you had for tonight? Forget about them. All you can really count on now is that nothing will work out the way you thought it would -- and that you'll love every minute of it.

Really?

Okay. So far, so true. Hope it gets better though, cuz I'm going to places I'm not feeling so welcome at :(

  Virgo

Daily Flirt:
Grab that hottie right out in public and lay it all out. You've got it all in your favor -- and if they say no, they just have to move to the back of the line.

Daily Singles:
Finally, all that work you did to make this happen is starting to pay off. See, it was worth the risk, wasn't it? You should at least be happy for putting how you feel out there.

and just for the hell of it:

 Taurus

Something may go wrong tonight, but it isn't up to you to fix it. Try not to make too big of a point telling people what they already know.

 

Hmmm...k, I have a feeling liquor will be my Playa Playa's solve all.

I was all pumped up...but IM's and TM's have me all scared this evening. I'm really feeling like I should not go anywhere tonight, well for once the stars say I might have a good side. hmmmm....heres hoping. I don't think I've ever been so scared! It's just a few bubbles right? (foam party)

On the buisness end...I got my job application in. Thanks to Nick Burns, UNM's Computer guy.

Still scared. Well, when you feel this scared, theres a few things I've found that help: good make-up, cooperative hair, a push-up bra, loud musica, and a quick drink!

Lord help me....ah! I must feel latina tonight!

Grrrrr.....stupid computer!

Okay so before I throw my computer away...let me update you.

I thought I had the perfect job. I thought! But I have to apply using this stupid computer program. Are you following? Yes, okay? So, I apply online right. Right, and as I'm done on the online application, I complete the cover letter, i have my roomate proof it, we're giving each others high-fives, and as I go to electronically submit this application, I get an error message from the computer program:

Something to the efect of "you don't meet the minimum experiance"???

I'm like what???? Because me and my roomate are like, cake, I have this!

So, I think I'm a moron, and pressed a wrong button, and resubmit. Error message. Okay, now I'm frustrated.  I have my roomie come in. Girl check this will you. She checks, she rechecks. error.

We're like, that's stupid! It's gotta be a computer glitch we think (and no I don't use words like "gotta" in my resume. I mean, it's professional, i seem overqualified, etc, etc---Really I can be professional! anyways.)

So, roomie and I resolve to write the tech support to this online program. As I'm writing my, Dear Computer Tech letter, I think of J and his favorite skit, Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy. And I'm thinking I have a Nick Burns that's screaming "MOVE!" and "Right! it's the computer that's stupid!"

GRRRRRRRR....Anyways I hate computers.

PS. J-low and I are left wondering how a game of double dare got so completely scandal-ass???

PPS. Speaking of late night calls, guy named Billy (?) called. (505) number. We talked for about 20 minutes talking about how we didn't know each other. weirdness. Anyone loose a Billy? If he's got blue eyes, you might not get him back.

Day 2? Day 1?

Blah! So Day 2 of "Self-Promotion" has come to a close. What is self-promotion? One might ask? Well, glad you asked. (like anyone cares--but this is my record of my life, and I want to make a point.)

 "Self-promotion" has become my answer (which J-low has kindly started to appreciate and share) to the dumbest, and yet most frequently asked qustion this week: "How's rush doing for you?"

Now, if you've missed it, I am a "Sorority girl" however I never joined a "House" and I never "pledged" a "sorority." I was "accepted into," "joined" and "love" my "SISTERHOOD"  but WE DO NOT RUSH!!!! grrrrr....

Okay, I know semantics. I'm greek. Got pledged, some would say hazed (NOT ME!!!!!!). I enjoy tradition and recruit often. I love pledging; want a paddle... etc...etc....etc.... but sometimes, I like to beleive in my Sisterhood's uniqueness, and I beleive we are a classy step apart.

Anyways, so No Rush! Actually we take our time. We'd probably call it "SLOW DOWN"--but it doesn't really bring that many girls in or capture exactly what we're doing, now does it?

I mean come on people. It's a slow process to pick a life long commitment to a sisterhood. Not exactly a decision we like to make in a matter of four freakin' hours.But, if thats what you do, and it works for you, great-- if it ain'ta burr'roke don't fix it. (yeah, if my ladies read this, they might have caught that one.)  Ne-ways, the quick fix, and the quick 'letters', with no work, no sisterhood type, yeah I know a few 'houses' that can help with that.

But lets talk about  my equivalent of "rush" or "recruitment." What is it really? It's Tabling. Which we've covered. But it's more. It's handing girls (and apparently guys) flyers to "Meet the Greeks."

Now, if anyone is stalking me. Ignore this event. It's Tuesday, UNM Sub BallRoom A, 6pm-??? But if you happen to be some fine, fly, guy with nothing better to do, do come! (and obviously if you're reading this--you really have nothing better to do!JK-I'm intriguing I know this. Apparently, conceited as well, too.lol)

Meet the Greeks. Now this is an event I'm looking forward to. This is where me and my girls usually shine. (that and at the club, but thats a different entry). It's the strolling, it's the chanting, it's the saluting. It's where history meets tradition and pride meets presentation. I could go off on how this is the way "recruitment" is done, but I have a feeling sometime next week I'll go off on the event and how it was the bomb. So if ya don't know, go! Off the chain. (This is where C might remark "Fo-sheezee?")

Ne-whoo, been so exhausted by this "self-promotion" Getting up by 6:30 to be there by 7:30 to close at 3! and then come home and do more /\-ness, Exhausting!

Exhausting, but at leat occupying of my time. My house is trashed. I have no groceries. lol. Hell, I've been so tired I haven't even eaten, I just get home, work on area stuff and and sleep. What else? Oh, right now, I should be filling out an application for a job I really really want. And I'm going to. just later. Not right now, right now. But Later, later. *sigh. I know. my life is so simple and I make it so difficult. lol. Maybe its the fact that I make it simple (you know by not doing things in a priority order, but rather, when I get around to it) that makes it difficult? hmmm....ponderings.

Speaking of ponderings. Got two new readers. Hello Four, hello Five. Fives my anchor. HI :) Love her. Spoil her. hee hee. Fours my down girl. In a phrase "Ghetto-FABBBBULLLOUUUSSS." Yeah you are. Four always looks tight. She's a sweetheart too, and has tried to make my simply plain "ghetto"-ass look somewhat presentable to the world. She does make-up, J-low does fashion, if I could only get the lipstick to stay off my teeth, I might one day get this "gurl" thing down. Eh? heres hoping.

Other ponderings. So yesterday was supposed to be my "DAY ONE". Day One of non-needing boys in my life. Not gonna care I say. I'm a fly independent woman, got my girls, don't need any man...blah, blah, blah. Thats all it is! blah blah blah! (No stop, let that sink in, that's all itis!!!!)

One look, one quick conversation, and damn the blue-eyes!

Am  I really that vullnerable? simple? desperate--well not desperate, I mean I got second oppinions, these are good looking men in my life, but.....grrrrrr! It must be something. A victim of the universe maybe. Damn astrological guru from yahoo is out to jack my love life! Speaking of which, check this "ishhhh" out.

(Time out ,,,good song...okay, this is stupid but I really love Ashlee Simpson...

On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me
....)

K-where were we? Oh jez? Messed up horoscopes! (Is this the longest entry ever or what?)

LEO: Daily Singles:
You know what you want, and you're not afraid to spell it out. Be confident, but not arrogant. If this person knows you as well as you think they do, they'll understand perfectly where you're coming from

(The words...YEAH...RIGHT Come to mind? Um...have you not paid attention to the "friend speeches" I've been given this summer, mr yahoo guru????Apparently what I want doesn't matter, remember! Wheres that in the tea leaves!? But shall we look at the Virgos...I think we shall, and what's there? OH YES the world is perfect for you Virgos!)

Virgo Quickie:
When it's your turn to jump, don't flinch. Just close your eyes and take the dive.

Virgo Overview:
You've probably had your nose to the grindstone lately, but relief is on the way -- and some romantic fun, too. Finish up your chores early, and prepare for a wonderful evening. Ready or not ... !

And thats the General Horoscope, not even the romantic stuff! Can we say I'm jealous? Have fun C, you're a Virgo. I'm sure a Stroll-hoe, is just dying to stop by thehouse....okay, so I'm jealous.  Why can't a Virgo horoscope just once say, Hey Stupid Virgo! That Leo lioness over there, the one that you keep on the back burner, yeah,you, hey, she's hot--goddess really, go get her before some hot Capricorn does(yeah, like I know what I'm compatible with, anyways)-- Go get her!

Not gonna happen. Awww...the diary of Anne Frank continues. lol. Five compared my journal to that...Diary of Anne Frank.I'm like great, my life is as tragic as a forced exclusion from society due to fascist Nazi-ism. Geeze and in my story I don't even have the groceries she had!!!! awww, now I am depressed.  lol. 

Four and Five. haha, like your names? One day, I might give a key or index to whom everyone is this journal is. Like C's full name. Who J is. How Someone really has a name, but probably doesn't or won't remember mine. Who my ex is and where he lives-- so people can go flatten his tires!!! No just kidding!!!!!

Actually I'm really resentful right now,towards the ex.  With reason too!!!! I could care less about my social probation status right now, but he almost ran me and J-low over today! No lie! Like really, with the hot new red car! SWEAR! I mean c'mon! If you have beaf with me, bring it, but don't take it out on my girls. Ridiculous!!!! Besides we might dent the damn new thing. grrrr...Ne-ways, of-course, like always should I call him out, it's the same-ol, same-ol, "EXCUSES." So what-ev! Block your number buddy, fine. Call me just to hear my voice. Grrr...so help me....

awww.

Clarity just came on......John mayer is so right sometimes....(sometimes the universe calms me down) :)

Speaking of JM, then we'll close...(me and apparently the voices in my head, cuz it's not like I have anyone.*sigh. ) Okay...just a small comment. One more before I do another cut and paste. Someone once told me to really listen to Clarity. and I have...and I wonder how I've misinterpreted it? *ponder, ponder, ponder....Just seems like it's about rembering the good times? Or like most of JM's songs...being in the moment, not keeping score. Maybe I'll ask JM....

So on that note I wrote to JM...stupid right? but here is the letter I wrote:

Dear Someone at the end of this e-address:

So, this seemed like the most legitamate e-mail address for John Mayer Fan mail. Anyways, my sister and I are fans. Not huge crazy ones that wear home-made craft-matic "I love you John Mayer" T-shirts or anything, but we really do appreciate the music. So, hopefully this letter gets to JM? My sisters 14, I'm 23, and we'd both appreciate a physical address, writing real letters seems more authentic, and almost less creepy. Is there anyway to verify this is a real fan mail e-address????
Okay. So...just in case this is real. Love the music, the Albuquerque concert was a blast, we got a guitar pick, I was the chick in the 7th row,center, you know, the one that you were smiling at (how many girls must use that one.) okay, hope to hear anything back.

Dumb, right? well....that's enough.. J-low just called, broke my ramblings. She's great that way sometimes. Very matter of Fact. "You're going tommorow! End of Discussion," she says. But I worry...well, thats for tommorow, might as well not waste anymore words or thoughts on it till then...

Old music, new feelings

Leo July 23-Aug. 22 You might be obsessing over someone now. The thing to remember is that sometimes it's healthy to share your feelings with someone you like. Other times, however, it's best to keep your desires to yourself. Whether you are concerned with being socially appropriate or not, make certain that you know what your boundaries are and that you don't step over them.

The stars and J-Low, seem to insist that I know my boundaries. Jeesh! LOL.....this is why you keep things private. Excert from: Two Can Play at That Game: "Never tell your girlfriends whats really going on. They will just amplify the situation... Keep your cool."
Just when I thought things were getting bad, people really do pull through.
I'm already starting to feel better. J-low stopped by to check on me. I've had sisters call me just to make sure I'm okay. And I'm like, "It was just a 24 hour bug, I'm okay, promise."
Best thing yet today. Oh, besides Chicano Studies class being cake and the bomb?
Best thing ever? So. I have this weird desire to listen to John Mayer? Which is weird right because I haven't listened to him in like two weeks. But, in particuliar, I wake up wanting to hear this song...Only heart. I have the beat in my head. So....I go to open my lab-top. Something I haven't unpacked since I'm back. And What do I find? A note from my baby sister. Nothing fancy. Just a note saying she loves me, on the back of some sheet music. Simple. Real. Made my day. Better yet, made every mistake I've made just fade away...just that simple. And I think to myself. Wow. I hope I have that impact on her. or someone. I think to myself, it's the little things. the 60 seconds you take out of your day just to let someone know you care.
Well, I'm feeling well now. Health wise. 4 hours later, right? Everythings temporary.
Listening to JM now. CD a friend burned me. Forgot how much I enjoyed his stuff. Why I ever enjoyed it...he seems real.
I'm toying with the idea of writing to JM and just be like "hey, I appreciate yourwork. You seem real."--I wonder if he would respond? If I ever get his address I'll let you all know how it goes.
Well, I like JM because it seems like real emotion, contradictory or over the top, but raw emotion seems to come from him in the most eloquent of ways...a guitar riff, his melody, a perfect verse to capture something as simple as the weather or as complicated as the storyline of a heart...
*sigh. So, I'm going to enjoy JM now.
But, once again...to anyone that reads this. I appreciate you. I appreciate the fact that you care enough about me to check in on my boring life. to try to figure out my kinks and oddities. lol. To laugh at me, or my not so funny jokes and metaphors.
I miss my 14 yr old goddess and her crew
M, my 14 yr old crush. C, girl who's trying--maybe a little too hard. A-i never met you, but you seem great, and have influenced me by the way you are a friend. and J--I miss you.Miss you tons. Hope everythings going well in love land. Send me a postcard. I think I'm kicked out of that local for a while. lol.
I'm amazed...listening to JM. Gonna enjoy this moment. This weird feeling of being quiet and okay; being okay with just friends and no commitment.... One of these days I'd like to just have a bottle of wine, share it with someone, and just listen to JM. I wonder if that would be any fun? LOL, I think so..."Someday baby"

Avoid me, Avoid Drama? Nah.....

Someone should rename this journal, Ramblings of a Bored College Girl...the boring saga of a 23 yr olds life as she goes through boys, school, unemployment, hmmm...life.  It's a trailor for a Hallmark movie!

Yes one day I might get over it. But, until then, for some reason I feel inclined to share my boredom and random tangents with the cyber world and pretend someone, somewhere might get me. (If they do, they're probably psycho! Don't look for me pyscho! I don't know you! --Sorry paranoia there.)

So Class Schedules, Rush schedules, Sorority Buisness Schedules, Boys Schedules, I'm really glad I have a good personal organizer. But amist all the hours and dates. Why do I have to get sick? I mean, 1st week of class and I'm sick? this is ridiculous! Worse thing is, I know whom I've caught this plague from. Oh yes. I'm so blaming you. If you're reading this, this is me, sticking my tounge out at you! blahhhhh.

I feel blah. In a calm kinda way though. I avoided some Lambda-ness this morning, only because I was determinned to make myself rest this bug off, but tommorow it should be gone. Good thing because class is today and tabling is tommorow.  How crazy a notion is that? Tabling (Yes, I'm feeling rather random, so tabling, is a topic that just sparked my interest. So...)

Tabling. Set yourself up at a table, expect ladies to come up, look at our pictures and our trinkets of burgundy and grey and waa-laa, they are Sorors to be. Amazing!!! Kinda-funny, but true. It does seem to work. As long as it does, I suppose we'll keep doing it.

Story of my life. As long as it works, why mess with it.

J-low is so trying to make me feel conforted right now. I really hoped the control my ex had over my life would end this semester, but last night proved otherwise.  *sigh. I know I shouldn't care too much, but to not be able to just say "Hello" to a friend on his birthday? or go to a get together I'd otherwise have gone, simply because of a case of the ex? grrrr....upsetting. But I love those guys. I want the best for them. I want rush to go well, and for them to have as little drama as possible. They've earned it, and it is their time. Who am I to jack that up for them. So, J-low, can go to the parties alone (if she's ever invited), and I can sit at home pushing the boxes the ex made me pack.

Yes, I left him. The Boxes were mine to pack. But with reason. I'm a good girlfriend. I'm actually a damned good girlfriend. But some relationships die, despite the want to make it work for the sake of making it work. ---By the end that's all I was doing. Wanting it to work, just for the sake of it. I mean, my heart was out of it months earlier. I look back now, and can see how obvious that was now. Surprisingly I was the only one who saw it. Well, C says he knew too. He says he knew I was unhappy. We have that bond me and C, the ability to predict when relationships with the other are going to die. I actually have no doubt, three weeks from now, C will be in lust with a Kappa, and 3 months later it will be over. C's due for a long term haul, right about now. It'll happen...and I'll be happy for him, like I always am. The inevitable...you drink to much your  bound to throw up, hip-hop's union to the mainstream, and your best friend falling in love with someone else. Inevitable.

I have class in three hours, and I'm all achy. More inevitable predictions. I'll go to class, fight for a parking, only to have 30 minutes of syllabus review, come back and have a ticket on my car for not having a permit. This is where things are different. Since I forsee this. I'll probably go park in structure parking, pay way too much, but will not deal with the drama of bad parking on campus. Foresight. I'll see C fall in love with his KKG, I'll smile and tell him it's meant to be till it isn't. Foresight. I'll smile at J-low, tell her I love her, and not cause drama, as I go through side doors or not at all. Everything is a little harder on me, but in the end, far worth the price.

PS. What happened to my comments?