ON BLAST: So tired! Won't even write much...just "work" is harder than expected, the Labda life is very time consuming, but it makes me feel like girls trust me. i still have trust issues. i worry that i don't know how to say no. im worried about getting to work on time and sleeping. and as much as i wish i could put my heart in my back pocket, i miss him. . . a lot . . . j-lows catching on. she just told me today, "you'll be okay..." i hope so. lol. i'm so stupid. *sad* chris is right, we all want what we can't have. lol----- i hate going to bed missing him, at least in nowhere, i had distance on my side, here i don't even have that to confort me. time, i know. patience. yeah that small virtue. patience...

things will get better....

Quote of the day: P to the R to the IN. to the Cess.
Artist: Laslo Bane Lyrics
Song: Superman Lyrics
Out the door
Just in time
Head down the 405
Gotta meet the new boss by 8 am

The phone rings in the car
The wife is workin hard
She runnin late tonight again

Well I know what I’ve been told
U gotta work to feed the soul
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
I’m no superman
I’m no superman

And you've got your love online
U think you're doin fine
But you’re just plugged into the wall

And that deck of tarot cards
Won’t get u very far
There ain't no hand to break your fall

Well I know what I've been told
U gotta know just when to fold,
But I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
I’m no superman
I’m no superman

You’ve crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all?

I need u here with me
Cause love is all we need,
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I’ve been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can’t do this all on my own

No I can’t do this all on my own
No I know
That I'm no
Superman
I’m no superman
I’m no superman

(Some day well be together)
I’m no superman
(Some day)
(Someday well be together)
(Someday)
I’m no superman

Quickie

In Five seconds:

Work: I sold my soul to the devil for 7 dollars an hour, but in the end, can we say, "bank!"
School: Presentation for class sucked!
Lambdaness: Finally! Done, and getting better.
C: Still wants what he can't have
J: Still can't have what he has, poor guy, she's coming back soon!
J-low: Has what she wants, now she just has to believe it
Girls: are insuring I go out tonight.
Interest #2, now dubbed I2, oh yes, she's so Lambda. lol, slowly becoming very much one of my girls---which is SO BADDDD!!!!!
Guys: OMG, they're are so many boyz with baby's mamas and prison records at my new job!  um, yeah, so much for finding a man at work.  *shrug
Well, i guess this is good, I'll be so busy I can't think right?
Right? Please somebody tell me i'm right?

anyways--song that i just got dl'd. oh yes, we likes. ;-)

Shiver

You build me up
You knock me down

Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true

You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
You look at me
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do

There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin

Immobilized by the thought of you
Paralyzed by the sight of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe them anyway

So come to bed It's getting late
There's no more time for us to waste
Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race

There may not
Be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied 'till I'm under your skin

Break Down 2004 and the Aftermath

Okay. Last night was slightly ridiculous.

I feel so stupid. I worried all kinds of friends.  

It just finally happened. I just finally had an emotional break down.

Skip the “pimps don’t cry” and “I got this” mentality, I’ve been trying to pursue; I just lost it. I can admit that. I cried myself to sleep and yeah….

But as I told C-at 1 am as he said “it’s just your bodies way of relieving stress”

I just couldn’t stop it.  

*Sigh.

I’m kinda glad it happened. Last nights tears seemed to be the last of me holding on to a lot of things.  Procrastination, Hesitation, Worries, Everything.

C’s thing last night was “He’s not worth this pain”

As I informed C, It wasn’t not about him. It’s about him and everything else.

He put it really well, “What happened today, that just finally pushed you over???”

Well EVERYTHING! Four months—maybe a lifetime—of everything. And you know I was feeling ---not good—but “in control” when I got home last night. I was really feeling like, “I  know what I’m doing is hard, but I’m doing it, and I will do it, and I got this”

And just as I’m ready to put this “in control attitude” in the journal, the phones going off and theirs reminders of things that haven’t been done, and I was gone for 2 hours on business and my email, had 10 new messages directly needing my attention.  And THEN—well, that’s just it. It all hit at once, and it always hits at once and I know this, but last night, I just wanted to be okay for 5 minutes.

Five minutes of entry time for ME.

Well it didn’t happen, as some might have read, and there it was My official 2004 Breakdown.

(Please if you all will, have empathy for C at the other end, as I had begun to have those  broken gasps of breath because of  mindless crying, to where you think you’re going to hyperventilate…..)

Over the phone in broken sobs: I believe it went something like this.

“It’s not about him. Well some of it is, but it’s more, it’s him+ “business” + School+ I have a presentation tomorrow+ and I don’t have a job+ being broke+ me missing my sister+ these weird unresolved feelings about  boys in my life—every boy that ever hurt me, me trying to figure out if I’m worth anything, me wondering if all I deserved was my ex, me questioning if me breaking it off was just stupid, because I at least knew he loved me, --but I know I don’t want that, and I’m just miserable right now, and I want someone to hold me and make things better, but I don’t have a someone, and that makes me feel bad, too---and on top of it all I feel stupid crying on the phone to you, and I must be keeping V awake with all this crying, and C—This is gross but I need to blow my nose” (pause for loud blowing of nose) “And that was just gross, and how can a guy ever be with me, because OMG I’m a mess and I have a headache and….and….I can’t stop C—I want to stop, but I can’t….” (and continual sobbing resumes.)

So, lol, yeah. Breakdown 2004.

As C’s quote goes “It was bound to happen—If you drink to much, you’re bound to throw up.”

And the weird thing is, I don’t feel any better. I don't feel any worse? I don’t feel like I’m in control, I just feel like, “Yeah, that was weird.”

Anyways, So that was yesterday.

 I could tell you all that led up to that—the business, me having to go across town at 10 at night to complete paperwork for said sorority business, the loosing my I.D.  and debit card, the night before,  the random girl throwing up and ruining the night before, my 2 hour business call with girls across the nation, that took all my time from the research I have to do for class and be done with by tonight if I’m going to make interviews tomorrow, and of course my weird random emotional “thing” with mr. someone, who I think might be totally oblivious to the fact that it really isn’t him, and I hope he doesn’t think it was him, and I was trying to let him into my life, I really was—

Okay this is ridiculous too—(this pseudo, lets pretend like he doesn’t read this...— Everyone else, be pepos and mitotes, and listen in, but this is just for him—yes, just for you)

Hey—

I’m sorry about everything, I kinda wanted to say that last night. I was listening to these random break up songs, and realizing, Im not mad at you, as you said “I don’t hate you.” I mean the truth of the matter is, I do love you. Sadly I wish I didn’t because I know that hurts me. I mean as I’ve said before, it’s really hard being in love with the guy you love. And not that this means less or more, but I hate using the word love. It’s not that I don’t love you, but it’s that I care about you, and I guess it’s that transition, of words where the “I like you a lot” is just insufficient. I know you get this, so I’m not going to go on…but…well, if for the past two weeks, hell even month has seemed off, I’m sorry. I know I went static cling, and it really embarrasses the hell out of me now. But what I think I was trying to say up above, and when we talked last, (with a little more clarity) is that things are hard for me too. I really tried to hide that from you, because I didn’t want you to think I had all this “baggage” or whatever. I assumed, you had the “problems” in this relationship, and those were enough. I guess you always knew. Well, anyways—when I was trying to be “static cling”  or just get the reassurances from you that you wanted me in your life, just know that, it was because I was trying to let my walls down.---I wanted you to know, it wasn’t you, but as you put it “Life”—I get the “nothing personal”. Only, it is personal because, I want to be able to share the “Ugh!!!! I hate this!!!!” with someone, and more than anyone I’d like to share that with you. ---

This is why I wanted us to be friends. I share more of “me” with my friends than I do with you, and I wish it was the other way around.

So, I know this is getting “out there” but hang in for five more seconds, k?

---Again, it wasn’t you. I was happy with what-ever it was that we had. And since I’m laying it out there. (Here I go again). Okay, I get your complications. You have a girlfriend, a house, a life—I see how I don’t quite fit into that. But I guess my confusion was, and always has been, then why me? Why did you call me? Ever make time? And now, why do we pretend like things are different—

Ne-ways, I always assumed as you said that night, “you’d rather have me in your life, then not at all”---and to be honest That’s all I wanted to know/ needed to hear.  That’s it. The smallest reassurances.

But I know things are different now. I’ve completely been as real and as open with you as I know how. You have my heart. You know this now, and really I wanted you just to “know.” I didn’t expect you to love me back, defend your reasons for not loving me, etc etc…I just wanted you to know. I wanted to know, you knew. Now you do, now I know.

To me this is as clear as it gets.

It was never just you—you make things better, you make me happy, and that’s something I’m really  appreciative of.

But as I’ve finally told you, Friday morning, please don’t use the excuses anymore. I know about “her”, I know about the “complications at the house”, I know you’re “busy with life”—and I’d rather just have the honesty. I know you never meant to hide it, but I think we both never wanted to use each other as friends to actually, say “Yeah, this is my hectic, upside down, turn around , riding in the fast lane kind of life—do you want to hear about my day?”

So, with all that---(you never know how much you have to say until it’s all out there I guess)---I know we’ve had are ups and downs. You know my “ish”, I know yours.  Lol, and I think if we didn’t care about one another it might be one of those things to where we both could walk away and say “you know this really, isn’t worth it”—but maybe it is. Theres no way to find out unless we try. So, if we could—if you still want, I’ll take you off IM excile??? I hear friends visit bored friends during library hours, and I need a proctor anyways??? I won’t sign a contract, but I’ll do my best---and hopefully, by being real and honest might start giving you my best???? Like you, I don’t want to promise anything. In conclusion,

Hi, I think we’ve met before. I know if you don’t really know me, it looks like I have a crazy life, and I kind of do. I’m in a sorority, which takes up a lot of time! I’m a grad student and study too. I’m trying to get a job right now which is good, cuz I like to shop and spend money like I’ve got it. So it’s a crazy life, but I enjoy almost every moment of it. I’m one of the most loyal and dependable friends you might ever have—you can ask C and J-low. They’re a little off too, but, you kind of have to know them. Anyways,  I think I’m kind of fun. I like to drink on occasion, or just stay in and study. I like talking on the phone, but only after nine when I get free minutes. I text message a lot, so if that bugs you, let me know, oh and I love downloading musicso I’m always online. Somehow I really like John Mayer,--I’ve heard you’re slightly obsessed, so I’d love to see what stuff you have that I’m missing.  Yeah--- so, I don’t know what I could bring to your world or what you could bring to mine, but….if  it could work for you, I know you seem kinda crazy too-- maybe we could hang out sometime?  Be friends, see what happens? Anyways, if it could happen, I’d like that.

Stop!

Tonight has been a whirl wind of emotions. I have really been flustered and calmed down by the most random of things. Well not random—it’s my life. From sunrise to Moonset, my job is never done.

Anyways, so I’m driving home tonight, and listening to music, and it seems the universe wanted to throw the crazy “girl in tears” genre at me this evening. Avril Lavigne’s, Happy Ending, Ashley Simpsons’ Tangled, and some others as well, but those were the last two that seemed to come on as I hit my drive home.

So—you would think these songs, would bring out a “I hate boyz” or “that’s SO TRUE” or even a  “my lifes so pathetic” response, but surprisingly it didn’t. Surprisingly, I’m in the oddest mood.

I’ve been thinking. My world has been, well if not complicated, emotional.

And while I’m slightly inclined to apologize for my emotions, and feelings, I’m going to stop myself. Not because I’m not sorry that my emotional involvement within situations can’t possibly be construed as complicated, but rather because my emotions are what make me

----urrr---distracted by J-low making the phone go ring ring- grrrr…yes, Grrrrr-----

Where was I? Grrr---have no idea!!!! And now. Now I’m tired, and slightly upset again—and my IM is going off NOW!!!---and this just isn’t going to get written tonight---*sigh

I’m signing off, there’s only one person that I want to talk to right now, and could make things better, and well, that’s just not going to happen.  Want it too, but, well, yeah….Going to be signing off. At the moment, a little bitter at the world for not letting me have five minutes of an emotion. Grrr, goodnight universe

PS.  The only thing I wanted to say, was, *sigh---I’d rather have someone in my life as a friend, then not have them at all.

And now like a looser, I have two boys IM’ing me, and rather than feel great, I’m turning in the “pimp card”—I’m gonna cry now—held out for I don’t even know how long

And there it is. The tears. I can’t even type…..sorry…

So cold tonight...

for those of you traveling, I seem to bring and leave the rain in my midst. ........

The umbrellas big enough for the both of us, but it's always (me) that ends up getting wet. . . .

 know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Tried so hard to say goodbye
_________
yes, I'm covered in rain

6:23 am---home, safe, in my bed, been to nowhere and back,  all was well with exception to the rain.

You serious?

okay...this was just too funny not to share---
to go along with my status, of "you know you don't suck when..." (People want to talk to you at 2 am)
I now have a new category...
This category I will constitute as--"You know you're cute when..."
now this should be easy "when boys look so hard you actually have time to say "Yes? as he's gawking""
or "when homey in a fly ride is like "Hey?" --thats a geat reassurance
all of which have happened recently, so My confidence is up--
heres the laughter of the day....
you know you're cute when (ready?)
When the Boy at KFC, gives you free chicken????
I mean, WOW. Chicken Boy, Impressive, You've hooked me up with a chicken wrap and a diet pepsi, I know You must be a "balla" now....
LOL, N-E-ways. I thought it was hilarious.
I'm cute enough for free chicken. WOW. My prospects are just lining up. HAHA
Well, it was cute, and to be honest hey 4 bucks is 4 bucks, and it's always nice when boys are like "Nah, you're too cute to be charged"--So, good times. Funny, but good times.
PS. For 3 and 4, I didn't order any "hair infested mash potatoes," nor was my free chicken "bloody."
PPS. Red Rally Tonight. --What is it with this state and the need to burn things??? Anyways, this is a fire I will attend, perhaps alone??? None of my girls are going :-(
Oh. Beleive it or not C booked me for Saturday. --Alcohol.
Tequilla Crawl--oh yes, lets take the mexican girl dowtown for tequilla. LOL--Well, who can blame him.