um...did i say that?

Leo July 23-Aug. 22 As the Moon returns to your sign for a couple of days, it is time for you to lay your hand face up on the table. ____________

Much like this entry, ans my housemates computer, I am finding out that I am constantly having to restart my life.

Sadly there is a great lesson in this…Everytime I use someone elses computer (aka, depend on someone else for my needs), I find myself more frustrated and with less accomplished, then what I had started off with had I just used my own computer (judgement, etc) to begin with.

This is why Ladies should never take shortcuts, right?

Here is what I was thinking, (before Housemates computer froze)--Let's see how much I can remember...

Greetings to my little universe, as the dream filled sleep has suddenly ceased and I have returned to dreamless slumbers.

Since that was boring, I added the remembrance of a dream I had nights ago.

Here, I decided to insert a much needed "excuse" for my ramblings.

Recently I have learned many people are concerned with my entries so as a disclaimer, please read the following:

The entries in this journal do not reflect the attitudes or opinions of any other person or entity other than the individuals posting to it. While all journal entries, stories, bad jokes, etc. are based on the life experiences of its author, they are intended for the sole use of venting and figuring out the eccentric life of it’s owner.

All charectors and semblances within my life, are based on real life people, and for protection from stalkers, judgemental people, and plain out jerks, most names have been altered or abreiviated.

If you know the people portrayed in this journal, good job for being so close to me; I obviously talk to you. For some reason some people portrayed in this journal don’t "appreciate" my including them, so leave them alone. Again if you know me, this one shouldn’t be a hard to figure out.

Again, all stalkers, get lost. This journal is for mature audiences only. If you can’t take a joke, don’t read it.

If you find yourself reflected in this journal, in a poor light in this journal, you have a multitude of options,

1. Change your behavior.

(I myself am a scandal-ass, bitch, angel, comedian, etc—and refer to myself as such. I wear these titles proudly when I’ve earned them and have no problem being regarded as such, when my behaviour has warranted my label.)

Therefore, don’t give me a reason to portray you as a jerk, and you won’t be. Ultimately, I am a very happy person, and I never ever willingly try to portray people in a bad light. 

 2. Call me on it.

Tell me you don’t want something in here, and I’ll do my best. Again, this journal is for venting purposes. I’m not trying to start rumors. What I am trying to do is: unburden my little head of grey fluff from the facts that complicate my life.

3. Don’t read it.

(Many thanks to the people that do read this. You are the most open minded people I know. I consider all of ya’lls advice, side bars, and quotes when I write and I find you a joy to my little universe. You are appreciated.)

Comments are always welcome. Including but not limited to: Calling me out, telling me how stupid I am, 3 a.m. morning ramblings, drunken tangents, mathematical tangents, and of course promiscuous pick up line.  (Okay that last one I’m still waiting for. No really, I’m waiting!  Lol.)

Finally, to all readers: This journal is a few entries of one huge story line. I never knew when it began and don’t know when it will end. I'm just trying to have fun on the ride.

There are many sides to all these ramblings. Be a mature human being and don’t take my writings as an absolute truth. If you are, or have been, check your self into the nearest clinic for the insane, because--you too--have far too much time on your hands.

My writings, again, are my Perceptions. They change from day to day. Like every decent person, each day I try to grow and understand a little bit more of my world. This blog is just my own little sounding board, to hear myself think.

Don’t base opinions or make value judgments on the people you see reflected in these letters. Especially not based on my little "Blah—I can’t stand X" statements! They are real people with real feelings and if you have any spine or even want to be considered my friend, grow up and make judgments for yourself on these people.

That last one is me on a personal tirade against people who talk about people without knowing them. Something, I have experienced recently, which is not appreciated.

So, I think that was it….more to come as I see needed.

With that being said, I was going to relay my little dream without trying to cross the lines of "Between you and me" that we all seem to draw around us. It’s funny how all the lines we draw seem to catch up our true selves like spider webs???

This dream was the last dream I had, two nights ago (?). The night after I had my "It’s so scary I appear that jealous and emotional" dream.

Dream: Small preface. Dreams are only the deep recesses of my subconscious.  I take no responsibility for my 'wak' mind.

Dream in a nutshell: Me and the someone I’m involved with, get caught being involved...

(Now , my sleepy head was not in the gutter-so get yours out)

In the dream --much like what I would imagine my real life response to be-- I panic.

(Remember I am the girl whose main goal in life right now it to avoid drama! Being caught in this "involved" drama should be a nightmare—but heres the turn, ready? Set… turn…)

Now, this is where I should wake up crying right? No left.

In my dream, the man I’m with, rather than panic, goes, confronts the situation head on, and explains to the guy who had seen us together what our relationship consist of.

(Now this is a conversation I wish my subconscious would have ease-dropped in on. To this day I have no idea what I’m doing. So---)

Mr. Someone becomes like Mr. Cool, Calm and Collected, and comesback to the room where (in the dream, mind you) I’m looking through a book, panicking. He comes back, tells me something utterly romantic, (which he knows he has the ability to un-willingly do.)

He says something so cute, I’m keeping it all to myself. 1. Because it’s corny and 2. Because like a birthday wish, you hope if you close your eyes and keep it to yourself it will come true. Lol.

The dream ends with this line "Everything’s going to be okay."

Now, stupid maybe. But  to a girl whose mantra has become "Row away from the rocks"—Waking up from this—one of your biggest fears, being "not that big a deal"—is like waking up in euphoria.

So that was the dream.

Now, there was more in the journal entry. Oh, jess—

(btw, if you don’t know this: "jess" is a pronounciation of the word "yes".

In spanish, the "Y" is usually turned into a "j" and vice-a-versa; just little cultural education…)

~~~~

Job interview today. 4 pm. Light a candle, say a prayer, burn some sage, boil an egg, do whatever you think needs to be done so I get this job. This one is it. The job I want. The job --at this point-- I so desperately need.

What this job means.Being the A.D.D. nutcase I am,  I have decided I need more stimulation in my life. (Yeah, laugh it off—if you’re as perverse as I am. At 8 am I woke up with my mind in the gutter, too. )

Meaning, with a job distracting my little grey head of fluff, I’ll be too busy to think about boys. Boys—I’m sorry. I’ve caught myself saying that, and I think it’s really rude. Hopefully I’ll curb it. Besides not boys—Boy. One. We’ve gone over this. One boy, not boy! man! Hee hee, well yeah... (I just had an innapropriate 2am thought)—NE-ways!!!!

NO MORE THOUGHTS or  OVER ANALYSIS or CRAZY WAK DREAMS about this Guy!

*Sigh. Don’t get me wrong. As per previous entries, this guy is awesome, and as much as I’d love to be completely consumed with him, I’ve been having some thoughts on this subject.

1. He has a girlfriend. As much as I think I try to hide it from myself, and as much as the label might not be there, "she’s It, I’m not."

I have to come to grips with that. Now, lets say the "girlfriend" is non-existent. A cover, a friend. Someone’s someone to talk to. Whatever. Let's scratch that entirely. Because ultimately...I do hear my 16’s voice yelling—"Have some respect for yourself!"—and I’m ignoring it!

 Ultimately, I still don’t care. I should,  but I don’t, and here's why:

(ASIDE FROM TAKING WHAT I CAN....)

2. I’m really busy. If I’m not, I should be. What I have right now,  (screw all the little jiminy crickets in my head) I like and enjoy. I really enjoy. It's, --He is what I have time in my life for. What we have might be the only thing I have time in my life for. (Meaning, that good "girlfriend" role, is kind of time consuming, and I don’t know if I could do it---)

****All right—side bar with myself. –Grr. I could do it. I’d like to do it. I do want a "relationship."  But not a complicated one! Just a "hey lets go to the movies," "lets do dinner"—lol, anything in addition to the five second distraction before or after I’m in his bed, would be nice--Sadly though, it’s not going to happen... So, I rationalize to myself to feel in control. Good job? Not really.

Hence the new coined phrase: Pimps don’t cry.

If I thought this was in check, my subconscious, has and will probably remind me (until it really ends) that I don’t.

"Don’t believe me when I say, I have this down" –JM

I think I’m scared to admit I mean nothing to someone, because I want to mean something.

"Everyone wants a sidecar."-JM

This is one of those moments to where I’ve realized I’ve just poured out a whole lot, without ever meaning to.

"That would be too easy—I have no secrets"

DAMN JM get out of my head too! You’d think I was as obsessed with him as a glitter bunny.

*sigh? What’s left to be said? Lol, what hasn’t been said?

HAHA, music’s playing at the laundry mat: "Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone."

The ex used to like that song. I wonder if he’s playing it now? Now that’s sad—I’m more concerned that I’ve become too "complicated" for my easy going relationship with Someone and that this same Someone is going to recognize this, and leave me wondering "what happened?" --than I am about the random girl the ex was taking on last nights bus.  Thats the way I want it though. Trust me.

I so should have gotten on that bus. But... you know...I had a good time. On my own. You know that’s pretty cool. Which makes me think. It’s not that complicated. Keep doing what you’re doing, and with time…lol, this will all make perfect sense.

Lol. Bye, bye for now my universe. Good luck to me, in interviews.

So final closing convo with C as we sit at a red light:

"You need to get a job"

I respond ---"you need to get laid."

"So do you—(long pause) -unless there’s something you haven’t told me"

Response: "C—the lights green, who plays this song?"

"Fall Out Boy—I want to see them in concert."

"Cool, we should go--- (pause) what were we talking about?"

"I forgot…but you know what?"

"What?"

"Between you and me?"

"Always"

wakness this evening

So tonight didn't quite turn out as planned but good times nonetheless. My gente is M.I.A. on the Buddy List and my guess is that theyre all watching a little wooden man burn.

Handled some biz with the ex. He's chosing to accept my new life as my own, respecting my descisions as far as our individual lives intersecting, and has clarified animosity aimed in my direction lately, has not been triggered by him.

By-the-by, he's moving on? maybe? chick-e-dee convo for five seconds, before I politely (well dirrectly) said "I dont care----No, really, Stop. I Don't Care."

As there are two minutes left to the rest of this day, I'll just throw some odd moments out there:

Famous Quotes of the Day:

At Community Service, packing clear celophane bags with 4oz of White Sugar, I comment: "At least this is a window into my cocaine dealing fantasy"

Pimps Don't Cry: The New Hip-Hop Release of "SAD GIRL" with special MC appearance by "DREAMER"

Hicky Boy as we give him a check to divide four ways says "NO!" followed by him walking away...

"What's Hunching?"

Newest Shirt to my Collection:

Front reads: "If you're an LTA,  Raise your hand!"

Back reads: "If you're not, Raise your Standards!"

HAHA, copywright pending.

ONE LAST THING: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO C!!!!

The girl next door

This is rare.

Let me just preface this, with, I know this is bullshit, but it disturbed me, so I'm writing it down. I know this is the last thing someone would want to hear, but...well, yeah.

It's 6:20 am. I just woke up crying from a stupid dream that the guy I'm into was with another girl.

Now this is insane, because while awake I have no worries. I have no idea why this dream had the emotional impact it did on me while I slept.

Uh, (*agravated) and worse yet the girl in the dream was completely made up. Which makes me feel stupid. I mean if dreams are supposed to be reflections of your subconsious thoughts, can my subconsious at least get the girl right? It so doesn't even matter. I've never been the jealous type. I don't have a right to tell anyone who they can and can't hook up with. I'm not going to either.

I'm almost ready to really apologize for putting this out there, but it freaked me out, to where  it's now 6:24 and I'm wide awake, and I knew I would  be until I wrote this out.  

So, there it is, my subconsious just jacked my head.

Worse yet, I have this stupid Howie Day Song in my head that JM did a cover for, the whole entire first verse keeps playing in my head!  I woke up, and that was the only thing I could think of and I know somehow it's tied to this to the dream. Maybe because of the crying? Can anyone please tell me what the point of the following song is??? See! I don't even know the meaning of the song right now, and it's burning itself into my consiousness....

HOWIE DAY LYRICS

Girl Next Door

Well she fixes up her shirt,
No she wouldn't go for you
And she mixes up her albums
Cause she doesn't like that order you do
And she loves a second way, 
Hey, your first way is permanently through
And she'll never want to go to the movie,
The same one that you do

And if this love is superstitious then everything we did is on call
And if this love is gonna make it then maybe I should turn it up

And the girl next door is cryin'
I dunno what I want to do
Next door she's cryin'
Let me go, let me go for you (let me go for you)

(You...You...You)

Well I watched as she moves from the bedroom to the living room floor
And I'll knock on her door and tell her what i've been waiting for
And she'll smack me upside the head, its a crazy scene
Save your best for your own, thats how I want it to be

And if this love is superstitious then everything we did is on call
And if this love is gonna make it then maybe I should turn it up

Well the girl next door is cryin'
I dunno what I want to do
Next door she's cryin
Let me go, let me go for you

I don't want a new love...

You

I don't want a new love...

You

I don't want a new love...

You

I don't want a new love...

 

Alright, there it's out-- and I'll probably regret this tomorrow.

*sad laughter- how's this for a quote:

Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see her again."  Author: John Mayer 

 

Sorry, for the use of profanity, but that's really the only word that's got it summed up at 6:32 in the morning. fuck.

So...caffeine....hmmm

Random, random, random day. Not going to write much, because ya'll are tired of this girl, right? I am too, so, blah.

So quote of the day that summarizes the day:

They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.

Eeyore, Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne

Why is it when you don't want to be bothered the most important thing comes up, right in the middle of what you were doing?

Why is it, that when you're running late for class, your printer runs out of paper?

Why is it that when you look like crap, a guy compliments you?

That was it...I have some other stuff on my mind but I think I'm gonna keep it right there in my little grey fluff of a head. It fits for now.

--Oh, wait, one more thing???? Lost it...hold on? The 14 year old goddess made Homecoming Princess. HAHA the beauty must run in the family. (Shaaaa-from her to me, right?) YAY PIMPCESS!!!!

UM....one more thing? (still trying to remember...) C came by for Vietnameese. Looser, Only coming by because I have food. Well good for him right? at least he gets one more free meal. lol.

What am I thinking of? Damn it. Grrr...random quotes while I think:

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"  Author: AA Milne

Aww-hah, thats what it is: I've been thinking about money. When I get a job I'm going to buy things. The first is the Book "Tao of Pooh" the second is "Pooh's Little Instruction Book." I think there is a lot to be learned from a Teddy Bear.

As per C's line of the evening (as he hands me my teddy bear): "You know he's the only reliable man you'll sleep with. "

Well, we'll see.

 

I wanted another book too...grr. can't think of it. Oh, the book "Pledged." If I hear about that book one more time without reading it, I think I'll cry.

So, yeah, books, been my thing lately. I know! Between that and hip-hop, ya'll got to be thinking-"girls got way to much time on her hands"

I know! NEED a JOB! Applying tommorrow.

Thats it. um, yup, thats it. One last quote comparison: (Sad this is what my mind does sometime: I've got two more, but I'll keep  you waiting--right like anyone cares. lol.)

  "Never, ever underestimate the power of 'Id Like that."   Author: John Mayer  

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A. A. Milne

My cousin is so good!

 

Your Love Future

PER A FRIENDS ADVICE: PLEASE ONLY USE THIS LINK IF YOU HAVE GOOD ANTI-VIRUS SOFTWARE. :)

I don't want anyone's computer sick, for a cute site.

Alright, 5 second note: I'm better than the library. HAHA!

Well, at least I'm faster or more desperate than the other students in my class to have gotten up at 8 am to get my book. But I got it. HAHA! okay, well let me enjoy the small triumphs in my life.

Speaking of Triumphs. C called last night. Me and him are in this weird place right now with the busy-ness, and the different life path-ness. Sad if I think about it too much, but I guess thats why I don't. N-E-ways, hoping the weirdness mellows out. I'm really not liking the possibility that I could have been wrong all these years. Yeah he has a birthday coming up too. Hopefully, I'll be recouperated by then. ZOZOBRA on Thursday, right?

ZOZOBRA: Like many traditions in this weird state, ya gotta experiance it to know what it's all about. J-low is marking her calender for this one, but will probably be riding with the boys in blue. Me, well, I have no invite, so I don't know what I'm doing. LOL, the bus was an experiance I won't forget though....

Speaking of which, I am having the most random of dreams! Last night (quick I have to add this before I foget-'cause you know how if you don't write it down you forget...well)

Dream: It's summer. We end up going to my parents condo. (yes they have a condo--it's time share people) So we're up there. Me, and the family. Anyways, theres a  chick that works at the lodge. Not a maid, not a hostess, but something inbetween (?). So, she's the chick thats is making our drinks. Well, it's night time...and we're hanging by the lake, the pool, then the jacuzzi on the outskirt of the condo corridor.  Omg, there were the most random of boys in this dream too, (the little one, the nib, p-president, and someone else too)...So you would expect this to be a dream about them or at least someone, i mean c'mon the're is a jacuzzi...but no!

No, instead the dream is about this chick, liquoring me up, and then she kisses me in the hallway. Very weird. (maybe Zozobra is coming). SO---She kisses me in this hallway but then tries to kill me in the dream (I think poison, but other random things) it was like watching CSI, where all the scenes are chopped up, when the murder is discovered. Well anyways, the  craziest dream.

Anyways! I have to read! 184 pages and a 3 page report by 3pm.

You know I got this. But no more talking. LOL

PS. BTW, I checked out more books so this will never happen again!

PPS. Wondering what the dream analysis on that one is...so please feel free to drop a comment.

PPSS: I really just wanted to write PPSS, but really I have to read, and two: J: you know you deserve some grumpiness from me this morning, I only opened this journal to see the funny additions you'd add. Oh, BTW people, lets all be sad with J. Awww, his girls far away from him now, and living it up as a college girl. but J is a good man, and she and him have been through enough, to where 11 weeks is only 11 weeks. Besides, theres something about distance that makes a girl want to her I love you more. (Trust me, I know.) Bye, for reals now!

Thank You

LOL--I love that commercial. It really is true. "It's amazing what a little Thank You can do."

So to everyone I love...Thank You!

_____

So, upon a friends advice, I will be running into the library at opening hours in hopes to retrieve my book! Grrrr....

Today, (instead of reading or shopping) I have cleaned/unpacked my room. While doing this (and I did do a lot of this), I came across so many memories.--Some wanted, some easily discarded, others I still shudder at to this day.

Don't get me wrong, I have no regrets. But well, even some things you just cry yourself to sleep about if you think on them too long. The people that know me, know this story, and if you know this story you know its been written once, and thats the once too many...Theres only one memory that can haunt my dreams...but as J says, they have sleeping pills for that, lol....that and thanks to kick boxing, I find what ever I can't push back to that far corner of my brain, doesn't bug/threaten me anymore...so,  enough of that. Yes, enough of that...

What else did find along with my "pack rat" boxes? Well it was the most hilarious thing--four slim little address books. I thought to myself "Wow, I was a looser--a "Pimp-cess"--but a looser." I mean, granted I was a 16 yr old kid when I came to college, but really. LOL.

So I was wondering, how the hell these damn things had survived amoungst the move, and especially amoungst my "on again"-"off again" relationships, but then I realized why I've never thrown them away. I hadn't been holding on to them for random numbers to validate myself, but rather, inside the pages were birthdates and addresses of friends I haven't seen in at least three years.

I guess thats an amazing thing...sorting through the randomness of your life to remember it's not all that random. My best friend, "the Frosh," 7 years ago stopped comming by to see me 6 years ago. Why because I was in "College" and he was in "High School,"--and he was immature and being a dumb ass to my new "college boyfriend," who eventually ended up being my first fiance, and probably my only "real" love. (Is that shocking to hear?only one true love? All my LS's know this story too. Same guy...the one I'd move to Nowhere Alaska for.  Same one thats happy and content. Same one that can't wait to attend my wedding. LOL. Same one I realized looking through the pictures that I'm over. Yup, him too.)

So- E was wrong for being jealous, but right I guess for being conscerned for me? hmmm....ponderings, well, why bother now, right? I thought about looking E up,just to see where he was...he was working in a gas station last I heard. Sad, I still know his birthday by memory. I surprise myself when I think about the friend I really can be. which reminds me, all the september birthdays are coming up. 2 of three virgos are accounted for. lol.

Well whatever. It is so cool, because with everything going on lately, I think I do have a handle on things this time. Promise J. I know you're thinking my euphoria is alcohol induced, lol, but really it's just some clarity. I think I said what needed to be said and everything will be so much easier from this point on. Besides, J's known me for ten years now. ten years, before the black books, lol. I'm still me, a little jaded, a little more cautious, but a lot happier, a lot more fun now.

Cause ever since I tried...Trying not to find...Every little meaning in my life...It's been fine...I've been cool...With my new golden rule.

Yup, more JM. Sorry.  It's the little things that rub on me from life experiances.

_____

 I really am done with my past. I looked over some old photos, and realized the last picture that was taken of me to where I looked really happy, was three summers ago. One of my friends, stole my mini camera and just snapped off pictures of me waking up, but rather than being mad, I was just happy.

Lol, not to be conceited. I'm really pretty when I'm happy. I can see the pictures that show my happiness and unhappiness...I could be in a beautiful dress, but completely unhappy, compared to a picture of me in my friends t-shirt, baseball cap, and looking better than any picture I think I have.

I think if someone were to take a picture of me, now--waking up, it would have the same effect. No alcohol J! Promise. Again, I know this is usually the moment to be concerned.  Reality should come crash down...but you know, I just don't see it happening. I think I'm good. I really do.

Well, I put the photos away in a box--To be sorted through and reminised over at a later date. Lol. And there goes the little slim books, away till I laugh at them another day.

Part of me thought, hmm. I wonder if anyone keeps a little black book anymore. And no, just if anyone was wondering, I have no intention of ever keeping one again. LOL.

I'm happy doing what ever it is that I'm doing right now. Not sure what it is, lol, but I don't think I have to know either.  Well, goodnight little cyber universe. Be happy if you can be, and sleep if you can't.

P.S. Everything really does seem to gets better with time....lol, especially what's kept on the top shelf.