Another night, another number. This one had the courtesy to invite me to breakfast. Never showed, but coffee was definately a great idea. A forty dollar night I'm not sure I enjoyed. I think I'm coming to grips with the fact that mindless fun can only go so far. Great while it's there, but once it's gone, are you just going to be left trying to remeber something you wanted the moment to be; feel a little dehydrated from the night before, and then be left looking at the same place you were a week before? --Sometimes, like last night, I think so. On the flip side. There are those "One night" nights that change your life. Despite whatever the world is saying to make it appear as insignifigant, for whatever reason, one moment changes your worldview, and it all can start out as mindless fun. Hell, the revelation could be, that you are capable of enjoying mindless fun. Story time? Just a little:
I'm thinking, Spring Break 2002, Puerto Penasco, don't remember a single guys name, was drugged at the bar, but still kept my respect, had a complete blast, and had a friend that once I passed out from above drug, carried me two flights of stairs to make sure no one laid a hand on me. That is a gentleman, and because of him, that was the best mindless fun I ever had, and that experiance wasn't tainted because I had someone to care about me.
Other Story: Just remembered and relayed to a friend. New Years Eve, 1998. One kiss between me and a friend. Probably meant nothing to him. But in one moment, I accomplished kissing the guy I had fallen for all through high school. He's one of my best friends and I'll always love him.
Recent-ness: As I'm shopping with the sis, Screen t-shirts in the store read: "My boyfriend is Out of Town," "Dump Him" and "My boyfriend thinks he's the last;" along with shirts that state "F*ck me? F*ck You!," "Easy" and "Spoiled." This excursion made me self consious of what I put on my chest, all the while noting, I had a 14 year old who would be watching and noting self-affirmations I would be making about myself. I opted for the simple "Latina" shirt. Nothing new, or shocking, but I can sleep better at night when I know sis sports the "SuperGirl" shirt without doubts.
The choices we make as being single. Me, I want to have fun. I'm done allowing other people to dictate to me, when it is--and isn't--okay to fall in love. Fortunately, I think if anyone who knowsthat they have my heart realizes they have it because I want them to have it; not because they want it per se, but because it's mine to give to whomever and when ever I want.
Okay all done there. Woke up this morning to my little sister reciting lines from SLC Punk, "It's a beautiful [fucking] day!---Oh, all right, two more hours--But thats it."
As I wake up, I can hear her blaring her newley mixed CD out of my stereo. Marroon 5, Accidentally in Love following Outkast, followed by what gets me out of bed; John Mayers' Perfect Sense, followed by my mother coming home in a bad mood, and everything gets blurred out.
I'm feeling like a bad friend lately. I haven't given anyone my full attention lately. The only one that's getting true devotion is the sis, but even that is shady once 11p rolls around. I'm not doing it on purpose. I seem to be feeling stretched and for whatever reason I'm unwilling to stretch at the moment. Haven't had a real conversation with my girl since I don't know when; the ex is bothering, and he can choke on it for all I care if he's going to be rude; my playa playa is m.i.a., and I'm thinking in Florida, both the guys are handling their women scenarios with little imput from me, and the cous is opening up to me and I'm not sure how to take that.
Outside of the above stories, I think I'm blocking my own personal life, in an effort not to jinx anything. It seems as if everytime I try to figure it out, a little bit more unravels. All I know is that I finally have things figured out with myself.
No one but I am responsible for my happiness, and/or any other emotion--so if people are going to be pissed that I'm happy they can walk on by. My real friends have shown their colors, and despite all my poor decisions in life have always supported me--not liked what I've done, but supported me. I'm pretty sure I can depend on them again, as always.
Speaking of friends. Been talking to a friend overseas. We've been close since I was 14. It's funny how you end up being away from someone, and then can trace, who you once were, who you still are, who you're trying to be, and how everything in your life is either taking you there or holding you back.
Right now I know theres very little holding me back. My boy overseas mentioned going back to how things were, and I wrote back how I can't do it. Don't wan't to do it. In a letter to him, I write:
Life will be okay, babe. It always is. We just have to look for the constants in our life. You know if you spin and around and around in circles, you get dizy, but if you keep your eyes focussed on one thing thats grounded, you'll never fall.
My eyes are adjusting, and I'm trying to see whats really grounded.
Zuby,
you know who luvs you. you know where you came from and sometimes you know where your going, but even more importantly you know they're the ones who are gonna be there with you when you get there. One night-ers are just crazy but keep us from going crazy. so dont have too many but not too few either. Eat blue m&m's, drink lemonade in the summer and hot cocoa in the winter. I appreciate my friends very much, even when they feel like they've been a bad friend lately, they still call just to ask how the date went. Take care lilzuby, post another later.
science