What a difference a few months makes....

Three to be exact....

I had a come to Jesus moment, and realized for the first time, that I'm engaged after 3 months. Three. Count em. Sept. Oct. Nov. Now we're in December, and I have a ring on my finger.

Thee ring. The one I wanted.
....The princess cut, at an angle...and blue. Because I wanted a blue diamond since the last ring....The ring which was never right.

People that know me, know I had a panic attack the same night I was proposed to the "last time"...by "that other guy"....

Lol...but he was a good guy. A great guy by some standards. A guy that left his job, his family, everything he knew to follow me to the Big City, and let me pursue what I wanted. He even stuck it out that dreaded first year of Law School.

But like the "first love"....I was never really his.
Emotionally I belonged to no one, longed to be with Someone else...
and well, you can't really marry a person you're not in love with, can you?

But TODAY...Today I'm engaged.
and Today I'm considering that age-old feeling...that, "do I want to escape"...Hypothetically, I'm reviewing the "can I do better" question....
The instant answers are no, and I'm right where I want to be.....But as the law student, I'm wondering, Will I ever have those thoughts with America's Air Force?
Will he always be enough? I suppose a few more months will tell...maybe the months that stretch onto forever.

That's his dubbed name by the way: "America's Air Force"...My Air Force man....given to me by my Texas sweetheart....Lol...well, Texas friend, I s'pose.

Yup...It's all gonna change. Anyone I once loved, knows now....I'm committed.
and in the weirdest way, I'm okay with that.

After years of being second best, or someone's secret, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and happy with what I have right in front of me.

No desire to stray, no desire to run...just putting my Air Force man's things in boxes to move him into my apartment.
-Smiling and listening to old songs that remind me of a time once passed, and I think...huh, this is what its like to be happy. Thinking, of the old loves, and hoping and wishing them happiness...

In the end, I guess that's the difference a few months makes.

Love in the Time of Cholera

Dear Universe,

I would like to fall in love now...That's all. I'm happy, I like my life, I just miss cuddling. Maybe that's why I kept banging the square peg in the round hole.

Yeah, I can wait. I've got no complaints, and I am busy...Sigh, but the romantic comedy that is my life is begging fot a new male lead...or female, maybe??? Mmmm, maybe.

Sigh...damn, new realization that just made a prospect go up in smoke.

Conservatives and gays don't get along, huh? Grrr, somehow I'm thinking the universe is plotting...Okay universe, I'm single, let this cup pass, but if you will it, bring it!

XoXo,
DCGG

The intensity of her thoughts is palpable

One of these days I'll be good. Maybe it will be tonight.
Thai was good tonight, headache is not.

Laughing at myself

Lord help the hopeless, Lol.

Sooooo. I handled this so-called break-up with Retail Therapy. Hello, my name is DCGG, and I am a bargain shopper. I infact needed to BUY a whole other suitcase to pack what I have purchased...count them 10 new pairs of heels, 2 pairs of flip flops, a um nude flat-which is what I intended to buy...
A few (maybe 6?) Dress shirts, 1 black number dress (See video)…, a very cute formal dressI have bo idea where I'll wear it...um, 2 pairs of jeans, and um, two belts...the other item I 'meant' to buy.
Hmmmmm. Strange. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hME9RM_aJHk) LMAO!

In addition to the fact that "Shopping makes everything better" and being with Momma and Daddy...who really reinforce Cowgirls Don't Cry, having a best friend and friends in general to lean on is kinda nice. Ya'll really refrained from the I told you sooo's; thank you.

A Certain number of men have made the transition nice as well. The Lexus Dealer aka the Closer, insist he takes me out to dinner when I re-imerge, I'm apparently invited to Poker with The Indian Guy, but lol...yeah, I'm stupid, This One Guy...Mr. Coffee, has my Mom salvating and waiting everymorning to see what's new with the brew...

*sigh. You'd think I'd be jaded, or at least slowed down...but get back on, and ride, girl, ride.

Mr.Coffee...yeah, that one scares me. Everyone else knows their place...a distraction at best. But Mr.Coffee, lol, he's just witty and adorable, and secretely probably married to 7 women in Oregan.

Learning SOMETHING from before...I think I'll savor this time. Momma said, you can't rush love...
Lol. Then again momma is as obsessed with figuring this guy out as I am...but Mr.Cofee later.

This post is my closure chapter on my man with the Yellow Hat...I deleted the pictures, I took off the necklace (and bought myself a new one), erased text, emails, and IMs. Hard yes...but like band-aids, quick stings hurt less than the fear of agony of what I thought Id feel. Again, Strange.

Anyways. If The Man in The Yellow Hat ever reads this, I can thank him for giving me my summer romance fantasy.
I did love you, and that means wishing you well. So, best, and love- from my heart to yours.

That said, careful world, she's no longer grounded or on cloud nine, in an ironic private joke no one will get...I'm Floating.

Xoxo Universe.

So, What Happened...

As I attempt to flee, and recapture any shread of dignity and self-worth, I have decided that perhaps my little universe is curious as to my EMO-like postings and manic mood-swings...

LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN...See, the truth is. I don't know what is going on as I have been told NOTHING by my BOYFRIEND...whom, I can only assume still is my boyfriend as I haven't been told otherwise...but there's a thin line between willful blindness and stupidity.

As I have constructed the situation, a man who promised he loved me, who stated he needed to handle a very serious and grave situation that would take him out of state and out of contact from me, his beloved girlfriend...This I understood. He left, and said he'd be out of touch. I understood. A week passes by, with reassuring text. He loves me, he misses me. I understand. Two weeks goes by. He promises he's okay, just family business, things will be normal soon he says...he promises he loves me and misses me. I understand.

I'm on week 3 of his absence, getting ready to join family in the lone star state, and realize I should be celebrating with friends who just completed The Bar...I go to invite my boyfriends BFF, who is one of my newest Facebook friends...and lo and behold, he has a new posting on his wall from my Boyfriend??? I'm confused. I read the note. A stupid survey that takes too much time...it talks about the last girl he talked to, held hands with, hugged...Erin.
My name is not Erin. And wait, why hasn't he accepted MY Friend request?
I discuss this with friends. I let 24 hours go by...my friends say shady. I defend him.
Next post shows up on the BFF's wall... another lengthy survey...and again this other chick is tagged.
As my girlfriend puts it, "Who the Fuck is Erin?"
I call. Get voicemail,
I text. No response.
I get drunk. I get emotional. I email...I in essence "T-out" I.e. go pyscho...

But it was a very well written emotional email. Asking for closure, the courtesy of a response, apologizing if I had jumpedto conclusions...and perhaps this would have been all fine...IF my phone didn't decide to send said emotional letter eight times. Yes, eight. I'm sure I have a restraining order on me when I wake up.

Yes, only I could have managed to fall in love in 5 days and within 5 hours make a man think, what the Hell was I thinking...but I do think I was deemed an explanation.
I mean what guy tells you he loves you, then vanishes?


I suppose the men I love. Tragic. I made one last attempt to email him today since pycho letter.

If I don't hear from him, I'll delete the emails, the text messages, and take off the necklace at midnight. I'll go on that date Mr.Coffee keeps hinting at. I'll be okay, because I have to. Even if I go back to being jaded and keeping my heart locked up where no one can hurt me....But, no, I don't understand--and I want to.

Xoxo universe...

Last Try

Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You?

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind?
Well I didn't change mine

Now here I am tryin' to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you?
Didn't you know how much I loved you baby?
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you?
Didn't I rock you when I loved you baby?
Baby tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you?

I can't get you outta my head
I still feel you in this bed
Left me all alone, couldn't be more gone
From fallin' apart to fightin' mad
Wanting you back to not givin' a damn
I felt it all
I've been to the wall

Didn't you know how much I loved you?


Didn't you know how much I loved you baby?
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you?
Didn't I rock you when I loved you baby?
Baby tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you?

One day justice will come and find you
And I'll be right there in your memory
to remind you

Didn't you know how much I loved you?
Didn't you know how much I loved you baby?
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you?
Didn't I rock you when I loved you baby?
Baby tell me

Didn't you know how much I loved you?
Didn't you know how much I loved you baby?
Gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you?
Didn't I rock you when I loved you baby?
Baby tell me
Gave you everything, every part of me

i broke my back, you broke my heart

Happy Endings by: All American Rejects


Time does tell
That even if they say so
She'd be the one that would know
That I did do what I've done
And I, wouldn't call it cheating
I'd just say I was leading her on
Why walk while I run a-way

You- you ask me what went wrong
Me- i'll write you this last song
Please- just tell me one way we can win
One- more thing before I go
Two- the one who loves me so
Three- don't make me count to three again

Happy endings
Just what did you do, If you're a dream then come true
Stop pretending
That what you mean isn't what you say
Hopeful dreaming,
Of times before the pain, wishing it was still the same
Loving, leaving
Round and round and round we go again

Walks a-lone, have often lead to thinking
My love for you is sinking to what seems an all time low
or high, the limits' never ending,
And don't you know I'm sending
There's no venture I won't go
For you

You- you ask me what went wrong
Me- i'll write you this last song
Please- just tell me one way we can win
One- more thing before I go
Two- the one who loves me so
Three- don't make me count to three again

Happy endings
Just what did you do, If you're a dream then come true
Stop pretending
That what you mean isn't what you say
Hopeful dreaming,
Of times before the pain, wishing it was still the same
Loving, leaving
Round and round and round we go again

She walks away, she talks away
She walks away
She walks away, she talks away
Away, away...

Happy endings
Just what did you do, If you're a dream then come true
Stop pretending
That what you mean isn't what you say
Hopeful dreaming,
Of times before the pain, wishing it was still the same
Loving, leaving
Round and round and round we go again

Happy endings
Just what did you do, If you're a dream then come true
Stop pretending
That what you mean isn't what you say
Hopeful dreaming,
Loving, leaving...