No One Lied, It really is that hard...

This is the letter I wrote to my Family, and it seems to sum it up:

Dear Family,

A quick personal note. I know [my fiance] has reached out to most of you to let you know that I have begun Bar Study. This means, while I have my phone, I'm asking that you use it for emergencies only, and please understand my unwillingness to communicate until July 31st (Day after Bar).

Thus, if you call, I will think it is an emergency, and will get to you asap. However,please know that my classes are M-F 9am to 2pm and is usually on Silent. Then I study, with my phone on silent...SO, yeah, I'm unreliable, but as usual [my fiance] can be reached. He's been really great. You all have, and I appreciate all the support.

As to "how I'm holding up" : I'm in my second week now. In short, I feel like a first year law student with Finals everyday. It's really, really, hard. (Sadly the wedding is the last thing on my mind, but please tell everyone how much I appreciate everything!!! and let [my fiance] know if I've let anything slip.)

Sigh. Well, I need to get back to it. I love and miss you all so much.

Yours,

DCGG

Sigh...

I've had a few friends experiance heavier things lately, and I can only pray for their well being.

Otherwise, I'm tired and miss my friends tonight.

I've been missing them more and more lately. Last night I actually dreampt of seeing my Ex and removing my pictures out of his frames....frame by frame, I removed myself from his life.

I wonder if that's how I'm disappearing. Slowly and surely from the panes of my friends lives? Is that a necessity? Do we hold on to anyone absolutely? I would hope so.

I keep holding on to the pictures in my head...reaching out... perhaps trying to put my picture and words in the frames of anothers mind.

I don't know why...maybe it's the stress of the moment. Maybe its insecurity. Maybe I'm just looking for reciprocity.

Sigh...wishing you Light, and Lightness Universe

xoxo,
DCGG

And the thunder rolls...

The bad thing about not waking up till 11am, is being wide awake until 2am..

Almost helpful for Bar review, but not really.

Soooo what tick tocs in my brain as I lay restlass looking at the lightning in a 3 glass door pain?

How the Heart became the organ associated with love...how did that happen?

Why not the mind? The skin? The soul even?

The thudding heart...

I remember only one time where I naively placed my hand on Someones heart and thought, if -I- did something right, how his heart could belong to me...

Maybe part of it does...but that's what's wrong with the heart...

It doesn't expand enough. Figuritively the Mind, not the brain but the mind, has no boundaries.

In my mind my love for everyone from my first High School fling to my nights asa a Soldiers call home are wrapped in their own compartments...love, lust, desire, taste, smell, touch, and back again. No one is forgotten...

And my mind ia only left with making all the boxes fit nicely...to be pulled out like the elements of my own private torts against women, and wives, and the sanctity of Romance...

Oh but how I do keep each thought treasured...and simultaneously find an unobscured, and pure and private corner for my love now.

I keep one little corner protected from any harm any other memory may suggest.
Heart? Seems so inappropriate foe this function. If someone out there can clue me in...
Otherwise I'll keep cataloging while the lightning strikes.

U Black, Maybe

I have synced my iPod after 3 months of procrastinating the task...
namely because I'm back to the couch...
Imogen Heap to Panamore, Mos Def to Santanna....

Update; after vibrating all day and learning Someones every coordinate, I'm selectively checking in on twitter again...way to draining on the cell phone...

But now to the solitude of sound.

I heard the White Man's yes, is a Black maybe

I'm once again amazed anyone could consistently be interested in my ramblings...but surprise surprise...the audience holds fast...

Now the question is why?
Would you trust me in your life the way I trust you in mine?
Could you ever know me, more than the lines you read? Know you, more than the charector I see in my play?

I do wonder about you. Your happiness?

Deep down I think you'd smile and sigh to know you're in every post since I've known you...some far more painfully obvious than others.

Stay in my life, you'll stay in my heart...and somewhere, sometimes, Someone in my rant.

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...

Well, its a good song...

As I cling to the couch that I will inevitably fall asleep on (to the dismay of the man in the bed three feet away)
...I thought Id post an answer to a question Someone had asked.

Most concisely, why after all this time did I send Someone a gift?

I have a tendancy to give gifts. I buy gifts because a person is on my mind. Sometimes, a lot of people are on my mind...but most of the time my mind seeks its constants.

I care too much. Feel too much. Love to easy. Hence the gifts. Why? Just because. Because I thought of you, or something reminded me of you. Because its the First Tuesday afterLast Monday, and ultimately, Why not?

I wonder if one day I will stop. Stop loving the men who never loved me?
I don't think I will. I think a little part of me will always love them. I'll always try to be the friend, the ear, the confort and solace.

But as I do have a man three feet away, that would give his dying breath for me, its easier to love the memories and nothing more. What could be, is now looked at as what once was...my dreams notwhithstanding.

Fortunately, no matter where I sleep...and for busy bodies who must know, I'm sleeping on the couch because he's studying for a final and I'm trying not to disturb him...

Nonetheless, I'm always happy to wake up.

Goodnight little universe...besos siempre.

What a difference a few months makes....

Three to be exact....

I had a come to Jesus moment, and realized for the first time, that I'm engaged after 3 months. Three. Count em. Sept. Oct. Nov. Now we're in December, and I have a ring on my finger.

Thee ring. The one I wanted.
....The princess cut, at an angle...and blue. Because I wanted a blue diamond since the last ring....The ring which was never right.

People that know me, know I had a panic attack the same night I was proposed to the "last time"...by "that other guy"....

Lol...but he was a good guy. A great guy by some standards. A guy that left his job, his family, everything he knew to follow me to the Big City, and let me pursue what I wanted. He even stuck it out that dreaded first year of Law School.

But like the "first love"....I was never really his.
Emotionally I belonged to no one, longed to be with Someone else...
and well, you can't really marry a person you're not in love with, can you?

But TODAY...Today I'm engaged.
and Today I'm considering that age-old feeling...that, "do I want to escape"...Hypothetically, I'm reviewing the "can I do better" question....
The instant answers are no, and I'm right where I want to be.....But as the law student, I'm wondering, Will I ever have those thoughts with America's Air Force?
Will he always be enough? I suppose a few more months will tell...maybe the months that stretch onto forever.

That's his dubbed name by the way: "America's Air Force"...My Air Force man....given to me by my Texas sweetheart....Lol...well, Texas friend, I s'pose.

Yup...It's all gonna change. Anyone I once loved, knows now....I'm committed.
and in the weirdest way, I'm okay with that.

After years of being second best, or someone's secret, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin and happy with what I have right in front of me.

No desire to stray, no desire to run...just putting my Air Force man's things in boxes to move him into my apartment.
-Smiling and listening to old songs that remind me of a time once passed, and I think...huh, this is what its like to be happy. Thinking, of the old loves, and hoping and wishing them happiness...

In the end, I guess that's the difference a few months makes.