ahhhh!!!!
OMG! SO YES MY MARINE IS IN TOWN! yAY!!!
 i SHOULD GET A GRIP BECAUSE IF HE READS THIS HE'S GOING TO THINK I'M AN IDIOT, BUT OH WELL, KINDA AM.
hAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT WILL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, LOL. EXCEPT, I'M CUTER AND HE'S A MARINE, AND YEAH, OKAY---ahh!!!! I AM SUCH A GIRL RIGHT NOW.
sTARBUCKS ADVENTURES, MONTGOMERY NIGHTS,  RANDOM FLIRTATION THAT NEVER GOES ANYWHERE, LOL. IT'LL BE HOT.
*SIGH. OKAY, CALMING DOWN.
I SO HAVE THIS STUPID DATE THING I HAVE TO GET READY FOR, AND THEN THERES A PAJAMA PARTY! yAY PJ-NESS. i WONDER WHICH OF MY GIRLS WILL BE IN ATTENDANCE? PLOTTING TO TAKE A BOY THERE. AND NO NOT THE BOY I'M ON THE DATE WITH. i'LL BE FORCING MYSELF TO DRINK WITH HIM, AT THIS RATE.
i WONDER WHY i AM SO ADVERSE TO DOING THIS THING TONIGHT? HMMMM. i DON'T KNOW, HE IS CUTE?
mY MARINE SAID HE'D SO "PLAY PRETEND WITH ME" AND BE MY BOYFRIEND. hEEHEE
*aMANDA PEREZ LYRICS JUMP TO MY HEAD---" wOULD YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND---FOR THE NIGHT?"
WOW, I USED TO SAY I'D DO ANYTHING TO HAVE THIS BOY WITH ME FOR A NIGHT! AND NOW I HAVE HIM FOR LIKE WOW, MAYBE A MONTH!
DAMN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
--WELL, WERE NOT GOING TO FALL IN LOVE OR GET ATTATCHED, OR DO ANYTHING ELSE STUPID LIKE THAT, BUT WOW, I'M SINGLE AND MARINE BOY IS REALLY HERE.
AND YEAH, OMG!!!! I'M SO NOT OVER MY BOY BEING HOME!!!!
*SIGH, i THINK HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND MIGHT WANT TO KICK MY ASS THOUGH? HMMM....RANDOMNESS WITH THE BLONDES NOT LIKING ME. HMMM. ALWAYS OVER BOYS TOO. HMMM.
OKAY CALMING DOWN. wHEW---
GOT TO SHOWER AND GET READY!
HEY LOSERS OUT THERE READING THIS! YES, YOU! (NO JUST KIDDING, i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!) sOMEONE WRITE SO I KNOW i'M LOVED, HUH? i NEVER SEE ANYONE ONLINE, OR AT SCHOOL, OR ANYTHING, JUST WHEN I'M AT HOME, AKA, THE lAMBDAHOTEL--NOW SERVING CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST :) K---LOVE YA'S, Y BESITOS PARA UNO,
WOW--JUST A SIDE BAR? WHERE OH WHERE DID I PUT MY HEART? HMMMM....DID YOU EVER STOP TO REMEMBER SOMETHING, AND THEN JUST FORGET?
PSSSST. JAKE GETS A KISS FROM ME, I MISS HIM.

She comes and goes...

"There may be something in what you say, Rabbit," he said at last.  " I have been neglecting you.  I must move about more.  I must come and go." 
"That's right, Eeyore.  Drop in on any of us at any time, when you feel like it." 
"Thank you, Rabbit.  And if anyone says in a Loud Voice 'Bother, it's Eeyore,' I can drop out again."

LOL--
_____________

Hello little blog universe of mine. I'm really wondering what my readership looks like lately? Haven't talked to anyone or done anything. I have 194 email, and a big 'ol national meeting on Sunday with paperwork i need to finish to night. (yes, this is why I am procrastinating and writing in the journal.)
I have a date with Laundrymat boy manana, yeah, o-kay. I guess he's not a "boy" per se, being 38 and all. oh well.
went out with the girls last night, margarittaville came early for me, and I was in a rather "good" mood. hee hee
Met a guy named James, or Jake, or Jason, or something??? He was a'ight. nice game, definately brought the ego up to cocky and a half by the time I left the club.
Gotta admit the universe is being pretty good to me, and I thank you universe for that, so if we can keep this cool non-flow of expectations, with pleasant surprises going, I would certainly appreciate it.
lol.
I'm kicking ass at work, but am getting sick :(
Yeah, all DZ's Fault!!!!! Grrrrr....JK.
What else? hmmm...I don't know? I'm totally in this good place right now...
I've got boys calling me, which is nice.
LOL--I really want to go off right now on the goodness of coming home at 4 in the morning right now, lol,  But suffice it to say, good times.....
The Streets known as a "Row" have been kinder to me, and harder on some, and that's a shame. I miss the fun, but none of the drama.  To be honest, I really wonder about some people sometimes. Seems I have an odd schedule to where I see or hear from no one anymore.
Oh well, the life of ---
Anyways, Had a great time last night.
Surprisingly, don't feel like I'm drowning in the shallow pool anymore, and *smile* kinda know I have a friend that can teach me to swim if need be. :)
yeah--*happy sigh* date tommorow, lol, we'll see.
my dad's birthday is today! Yay happy birthday him.
hmmmm....what else,---yeah i'm procrastinating. school, is okay, work is okay, boys are okay, lambda ness--i'm avoiding. what else is in my life? family, yeah, talked to and about them already? J-still misses his girl, J-low--well, lets respect her right now, C-well,lol,  he's happy, i think? um....who else? haven't heard from the ex. mr. someone is living the homelife, which seems cool i guess. who else? my house is still the lambda hotel, lol. but i'm adjusting. dooo-doo-dooo, okay. I should work---booo on work.. I'll write more, when I have a life. bye peeps.

more later

More later but this was just a funny blog note I saw today: I'm obviously not the only one who feels the world is weird at times. lol. so props to John for making me laugh.
http://journals.aol.com/johnmscalzi/bytheway/entries/100

I have tons to say but not much time to say it. hoping that all the people i ignored yesterday will not be mad and hopefully will call tonight.

do you ever get the feeling--no i was not going to bust out into song--but--do you ever think that you just saw something? but then think it's all in your head? I mean wishful thinking? but then you're like "No! I know what I saw" but then you're like, "Thats just not possible?" anyways, had one of those moments.

Oh, memorable quote of the "whatever" while speaking of moments:
new phrase for having a blonde moment: "I'm having a glitter and clear moment" --tee hee. that one was for you DZ.

hmmmm.....i really want to talk to people right now!!!!! no one that i want to talk to is online right now. grrrrrr. hur-rumph.

well, V killed a happy moment today, the above refrence to wishful thinking: (me thinking I saw something, which I probably didn't so this is all unimportant anyways)--anyways she killed it with a healthy dose of reality. yeah, thats why you love house-mates.---to kill your dreams and to let ya slide on rent....ah yes.(...aint that fresh)---okay j-lows looking at me and should be studying so i'm gonna see what's up now...talk more later.

october is here

Daily Overview for October 04, 2004 Provided by Astrology.com
Quickie:
You sat on the fence until it broke. At least now you know which side you're on.

True, true.

I'm so tired. Hip hop started to suck. to much pressure.
grrr....analogy for my life? maybe.
j-low misses me  
been hanging out with I2 who has now been renamed DZ per her request. A most excellent request as she asserts she has no intentions of remaining an interest for long, i.e. she is determinged to be a sister. which makes me proud. yup yup.

so as i type this a tim mc graw song comes on reminding me of her ambition and some personal feelings.

When I'm here on this highway
Breathing diesel smoke
Driving hard for hours
Trying to make that Memphis show
People always ask me
"Son what does it take
To reach out and touch your dreams?"
To them I always say

Are you hungry?
Are you thirsty?
Is it a fire that burns you up inside?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line

I get to make my living
Doing what I love
Every night I give my heart and soul
Sometimes that ain't enough
But brother, if you're like me
Looking down that road
Be careful of that wild wind, son
Sometimes it don't let go

Can you feel it?
Can you taste it?
Can you hear it knocking at your door?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line

There's always a price you pay no matter what you do
If you're gonna climb that mountain to the top
It always comes down to

How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming
With that one thing on your mind?
How bad do you want it?
How bad do you need it?
Cause if you want it all
You've got to lay it all out on the line

k, speaking of lyrics...
yesterdays lyrics apply to the fact that some boy asked me out yesterday.  doing my laundry all depressed,  sitting minding my own buisness being eyore, and feeling like it's all gonna rain, and per previous journal request the universe providing a new boy to be all nice to me. it was cool. he's 38. yeah....i don't know about that. but he said he wanted to take me out "before I got a boyfriend"--yeah, cute, laughable but cute.
so we'll see, no harm in having dinner right?
yeah, it's weird i get so attatched to my boys and i looked at this guy and I was like "hmm, yeah---no. " but think "what the hell, better than being depressed,, right?"
*sigh
talked to the ex again last night, yeah i think i'm killing that scenario, i don't think theres a way to be friends with that one. sad really.
talked to C last night, in person, on IM and then on the phone, lol,.
yeah, i have detatchment issues. lol

j-low is coming over tonight, a talk needs to happen

my house is the lambda hotel. i always have people over!
well, damn, i  need to shower than sleep. should be like fuck it, but i really feel like fuck me.  anyways,  schools slippiong and i'm not liking it. need to prioritize, really, this work thing is totally messing with my schedule 'o' things.

dZ is yelling, lol, well i thought i was pissed, hmmm....

If you feelin like a pimp nigga, go and brush your shoulders off. Ladies is pimps too, go and brush your shoulders off
Niggaz is crazy baby, don't forget that boy told you. Get, that, dirt off your shoulder
I probably owe it to y'all, proud to be locked by the force
Tryin to hustle some things, that go with the Porsche
Feelin no remorse, feelin like my hand was forced
Middle finger to the Lord, nigga grip I'm a boss
Stab the ladies they love me, from the bleachers they screamin
All the ballers is bouncin they like the way I be leanin
All the rappers be hatin, off the track that I'm makin
But all the hustlers they love it just to see one of us make it

um...okay....

*sigh, okay world, i don't even know what to say.

work is killing me!!!  lol, not really, it's the easiest job in the world. i just don't like waking up at 8 am.

guys, i'm starting to hate this place. Theres nothing and no one here for me, I think. I love c, and thats great, but he's stupid and well yeah.

then theres Mr. cool calm and collected, and as predicted by my dreams I guess, there was a third girl, eventually everyone would  see as the "winner"???

Do you ever win in these games in love?
I don't think so. I'mn sitting here, all heart broken but not really surprised.
I think people know when other people are through with them, and I think I was done three weeks ago.
Here's an analogy: I think I'm like a carton of milk??? the expiration date was coming up, and eventually it passed, and yup, now everything has just gone bad.
well, not bad, I just feel thrown away. tossed aside and disregarded for tommorows trash.
(reminds me, trash day is tommorow? hmmm...)
I don't even know what to feel. I mean part of me knew it, saw it coming, and to be honest I'm not even sad. I mean you can't be sad over something that was truly never formed right?
I can't be mad that someone doesn't love me back? I mean, c'mon, did I ever expect it to work???

maybe I didn't, but yeah, i did hope for something, I don't know why. *sigh. I do feel hurt. I know that. it hurts when the guy you love is able to just disregard you after a week and be like, oh yeah, I'm dating someone new.
How do you respond to something like that?:
"Oh someone else? Cool."
"Hmmm....someone new, great,---good job?"

I don't even know. --Thats the truth of it, I just don't even know how to feel anymore. I have this feeling like I want to mix between a laugh and a cry.
I really think that is my way of coping.
Laugh till you cry, cry till you sleep?
But I'm not sleepy. *sigh
People--he found someone new!
I'm not really talking to anyone, just the voices in my head. I think if I tell myself over and over again, it might sink in.
---
you know what hurts the most? let me tell you, (my journal, I can do that)
amoungst my list this is whats hurts:
1. the fact that he said he cared and then in less than  24 hours he was with someone new.
2. the fact that he was able to leave his girlfriend for this new girl, which makes me think I really must have screwed up
3. I hate the fact that I have this complex like I'm not good enough!?!?!?
--Sidebar: do you know what J-low has made me recite as a mantra to get through this? (Again let me tell you-- my journal, my perogitive.)
the mantra is as follows:
"I am a strong, beautiful, and independent woman. Though it may be hard--and it may take all my strength--I will get through this-- and I deserve better."
Yeah, O-kay!
*sigh! I hate this! Seriously, how come your heart can't listen to 1. the boy saying, "Im dating someone new" 2. Your brain saying, you will not die. this is okay?
and 3. everyone that Does know, saying "Let go already" it's driving us nuts!!!

Grrrr...wow, I hate this like 5 people know that My life is upside down over this stupid heart hic-cup, and sadly, this guy is dating someone else!!! I mean c'mon, Why can't I get this!
I guess my other personality's response would be: 1. he's dated someone before, and that never stopped you. 2. the body says, hmmm I vaguely remember that, and Mr. someone was good times, you should defn. not let someone like him go, and the hearts saying hmmm, yes brain you're stupid, I'm breaking so, shut up and let me love him. 3. everyone is really only no one, because they all think i've moved on, to what or whom I don't know because as far as I can tell they all think I'm happy working.
*sigh yeah, okay. trying to calm down.

talked to the "other ex" today, you remember the "real ex" the one whom I was engaged to, did love me, made a big mistake, and as I still recall tried to run me and J-low over, yeah that one. yeah, talked to him today. randomness. Weird talking to him. feel like telling him, yeah so you moved on huh? yeah, me too, and now I'm miserable, so rejoice!
lol. you know me and j-low have talked recently about the reprucussions of my summer, what it would mean, what it would do, if anyone, who really gave a damn might ever find out. we predicted death (again another dream, in which someone is thrown off a roof)--ww3, to where allies and enemies of bloodslaughter would be picked and, a possible burning at the stake or stoning. ---yeah, all pleasant things to be reminded of everytime I feel like "sharing"
---never gonna happen. I should just move away now. change my name, my number, move to Novascotia and forget the life I had. (lol)
wow, i really do love this guy. I really do and it absolutely sucks, I almost cried, but I'm not. Like a moron, I'm rationalizing this in my head about how "I have no right to be upset" and "It's okay" and "one day..." wishful thinking. *ugh! disgusting.
I make myself want to throw up.
This is what Alcibides meant in the symposium about erotic love, this right here!!!!
this disgusting, hold people undeserving onto a pedastal, hold yourself below the earth, and pray that just a glance will be given to you and all will be well.
Errrr.....well , when I'm done being an idiot world, I'll let you know.
Until then I guess the lights still on, the doors still unlocked, and my phone is always on.
Maybe the universe will be nice and give me newness to love? okay--here comes my "grape side" (lol) i don't want anything new, I just want things back to better? *yeah, k, shutting up now.

friends don't let you drink (alone)

SEVEN DAYS WITHOUT YOU
-Avion

Sitting here counting the hours
Waiting for the sun to kiss the sea
Paralyzed by the fragrance of the flowers
They remind me of you and me

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you

Making plans just to stop the aching
Chasing thoughts from a million miles away
Hypnotized as another dawn is breaking
I rehearse the words I want to say

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For when five and six are through
It's seven days without you

And I will find a way until you're home
To let the giant sleep this fire we know is

This one love in a lifetime
Our two hearts of a kind
These three reasons you'll be mine
For there's five or six ways through
Seven days without you

Seven days without you
Seven days without you
Seven days without you