Still dilusioned?

I have decided labor day is for crazy shoppers and those who really do labor. --As a currently unemployed student, I'm realizing today is just like every other day, while all my girlfriends are enjoying their first day off in months. Makes me feel like I REALLY need a job!!!!

So on this fine labor day... ever realize how life just catches up with you?

I need to read a book, and my usual library that always has everything, does not have the book I need. Leaving me with two alternatives, hope like crazy I get to the UNM library before anyone else does early morning tommorow, or---go on a hunt to find and buy the book today.

Now, this wasn't procrastination--I just didn't honestly have the time this week to get the first copy. Grrr...i know it's so petty, but it's amazing how something like that can frustrate you so early in the morning,

I've been up since eight this morning, and have managed to successfully, push a box around and go stupid looking for this book online.

Other things: I need a job. LOL, God I need a job. School: I need a book, Stupid, stupid book! Life: Yup, I need one of those too! LOL.

Waking up still feeling good, or rather today-- it's just okay. The reality of situations usually hit their gravity as to when you're alone in the day with nothing better to do then think...so rather than do that, shopping for a book????

write more later, refuse to worry bout anything...rather I'm going after what I want. Starting with that book...lol, the rest, well, I'll just stay optomistic about, and as always, take what I can, if thats all that can be given. Somedays, I do like settling for fantasy.

PS. Ah-ha-ha. like this color choice? Can you believe I own a shirt this color, let alone am wearing it? crazy crazy changes in the universe of this boring college girl since she's been away.

I wonder if this is Closure?

This is where I should probably write about how my weekend has been "non-eventful" and how my boring college life will continue to be "uneventful," life is "okay" and the mundane world of no-news is good news should remain my creedo for the remainder of this entry. yup...should.

I'm happy. I'm so completely happy.--Not because of one random event, but maybe because finally the random inconsistencies were cleared for a breif 24 hours...my little universe, so accustumed to rainy days, saw a break of daylight and actually remebered how the rain provides for all living things to grow.

I love the smell of rain. It seems to warn you that the showers are coming, and just as it rains...you have that moment of choice: you're allowed to think of the sky darkening around you, or how this will be excellent for buisness, as everyone will want their car washed tomorrow...lol.

Well, the ex has verbalized very clearly and without use of a motor vehicle that he would like me back in his life. In the gentlest ways, I tried to let tell him I couldn't ever be a part of his life again. Trust was lost, my life choices reclaimed,and ultimately how I had a responsibility to myself and to my happiness.

What I didn't say was that "I've moved on." --Not because I haven't, but it's clear that he has not. What I tried not to do: as always, I tried desperately not to cause any signifigant "drama."--Somehow, magically--this time I succeeded.

Last night was incredible. This morning even better.

I think everyone I know and care about, is right where they want to be in this wheel...(hello again?) I hope so anyways...

So now I've been looking at this screen, letting myself be happy. The little IM box of friends is popping up...and lol, this entry must be done, because there goes J-low making the phone go ring-ring. LOL. Well, I like this. I think I'll let my little universe be happy and not worry about tommorow...lol. Yeah...no worries.

On 2 hours sleep

Okay I'm on two hours sleep and I have just brushed teeth so i don't want to drink coffee...

I just gotta say, I had the craziest dream!!!! Putting a lot out there,  but wow, what a dream...so crazy and yet so possible. I wonder if someone ever dreams of me? hmmm

Didn't get tickets to AZ yet, and now am afraid we won't be able too, but, Both me and J-low had nights past midnight, and I think we just both forgot.

Also, craziest thing happened last night, my phone finally died from loss  of battery. LOL! crazy because that means enough girls called me last night....which makes me feel important and hated all at the same time :( but...

sad also, because if someone wanted to call or TM me, I never got it :(

well heres hoping for a great night tonight. Let's pray I don't pass out from sheer exhaustion!!!

PS. Finally figured out where the famous line "I refuse to beleive my life's going to be a string of inconsistancies" is from....interesting huh?  Yeah well JM was easiest to listen to at 6:45 in the morning...Crazy Day ahead, miss me, I'll miss you.

Game Night

You ever get the feeling like you're getting your hopes way too high. Like  any second they might come crashing down on you, because, in the end you're a dreamer and reality is truly about those little details?

Two examples:

Didn't buy  the plane tickets last night, only because we decided to move the trip from thurday to friday night  to friday to saturday night, meaning, more and better use of our time and far more opportunity to have the fun night experiance. 

Of course, thingas can't be perfect and sisters in AZ are leaving our asses without lodging,meaning,details--no lace to stay, why go at all? My resolution, buy tickets now, worry about lodging later--new deadline midnight tonight.

Example two: I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I want to have fun, and I think I'm not alone in this goal. ...it would be really cool ;)

What are YOU doing September 23?

HAHA! Another reason I love Sisters! Trying to convince J-low to stop caring about the tiny insignifigant details of life, hop on a plane with me and just go to Arizona for a weekend adventure. I'm thinking I'm going to buy two tickets on SWA, and if J-low is absolutely not convinced to go with me, I'm bound to take someone.

hmmm...that was odd. What I meant to say is that I'm bound to take a Sister.. or even maybe C, cause he's always good times on the road trips, but what an idea...just to kidnap someone??? Quick escape? I've talked about it before. hmmmm.... wow, on top of being a bad stalker, I'm a bad kidnapper...how many people who intend to kidnap a person, give them three weeks notice? well maybe I'm a considerate criminal,--highly ineffective, to say the least, but considerate?

Anyways! So, I'm so thinking Arizona!!!!! I think I might do it. I really do....I think Five would say I'm so being a LEO right now. Forgetting that their are details to life...bags to pack,  places to stay, food to buy, etc, etc, ...awww, details. This is what other people love about me too though...I am always fun at least. I do love adventure....

hmmm...okay deadline is midnight tonight to buy the tickets? Do I do it???? hmmmm....

http://www.digitalupload.com/datapath/ac55b967f3e3b0edccf5be563e4a6016/23301_p213361.jpg

Equivalent

So here's my opening quetion:

Do guys have an equivalent to ladies "Victoria Secret nights?"

Now, every woman I know can admit to having a Vicky night. One of those nights, that started off as a long day at the office, a tiring day of school, or just whatever, that made the day end with you feeling, blah.

So, the sweetest remedy, a nice long hot shower, or a long bath drawn to wash the cares and worries away,  something that will leave your body feeling fresh, soft and ultimately tochable. Usually this is followed or accompanied by something sensous or soft playing on the radio, my preferance this evening is John Mayor.

but what makes this a Victoria Secret night, is the slipping into that great slip or nightie each one of us girls have. Usually reserved for special nights, but ya just feel like you deserve to be beautiful? And we do. We deserve to be beautiful.

So there it is, slipping into something silky and sensous, with no outside judgement to be passed. All done with the mindset of this is who I am, and this is what I deserve each night, a long endless pampering and flattery of self, by the self. 

I think it's healthy. So...back to the question--

hee hee as I sit in my $140 dollar silk robe. aww yes, sometimes it does take money to feel this pampered, but---

Do men ever experiance this bliss? This self affirmation of sexual cunning, potency?

I wonder how many guys own a pair of silk boxers? How many of them feel they look damn good in them? How many of them would wear them, not for a partner, but just to be like "Oh Yeah, baby, silk?"--

Okay this might be strereo-typical, how many aren't gay?

Hmmmm...just thoughts that run through my head before I go to bed. Scandally clad, a candlelit, alone, but affirmed that when I look in the mirror, I'm a damn sexy person to be alone with? lol. Good night...JM's gonna sing me lullabyes, and yes, I'm going to let myself feel whatever the melody brings...release, sadness, loneliness, fear of togetherness, happiness, releif, numb, what-ev. Whatever comes on next, whatever lays ahead or whomever lays besides me, tonight in pink silk seems all okay.

 

And slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end

Blah....I've done it again...I write this entire entry out, only to press a button carelessly and have the entire entry erased. You know what that tells me?

That it wasn't meant to be out there. HAHA! No I lie, I have to much of self-will to beleive that. I actually just beleive it means that I'm a clutz, and should watch what buttons I push on the damn computer.

So, WHAT I WAS WRITING WAS...

Last night was incredible. Had a beautiful experiance with one of our "self-proclaimed" Interest. Now this is a big deal, because we can say a hundred and one times oh, this is so and so, she's an interest. But to hear a girl say, (*proudly***YaY***)

"Hi my name is So-and-So-and I'm an Interest"

It's the most beautiful thing. I'm a sucker for new girls. This girl could ask me for  anything, and I'd probably do it. It's awful. Some Sorors that know me have nicknamed me "Pixies and FairyDust" because they say I'm constantly making our organization sound like this beautiful thing filled with "Rainbows" instead of headaches. but I can't help it. I love my organization, and when I speak with interest, I just feel that until these girls become Ladies I have to try everything in my power to convey to them what a beautiful experiance it is to know "the only way" in a "sea of burgundy and Grey." Well...I could go on...

Anyways, so my refrigerator finally has food in it--Food other than carots and broccoli. --A girl needs meat! Besides, Hip-hop is going to kick my butt, and I swear by the end of this semester, I'll be smaller than J-low, if my instructor keeps us dancing the way she does....I love the comment one girl made after class...

"There's parts of my booty I shook, I didn't even know I had!"

Jobs are not playing out as nicely as I wanted and this is upsetting. Given, I haven't really tried all too hard, but I guess I have to now. Grrr.

 So hmmm....Food, Sorority-ness, Money-stuff. hmmm....the house is coming together, I still really need to unpack!!!! Moving sucks. School? Hard, but manageable. I'm going to be making many visits to the library. Um...J-low is so in love it's sad. I mean, she's loopy, but she appears to have a good man, so she's happy which makes me very happy. Because when J-lows happy, everythings a little easier in my world. Hmmmm....C, well, I haven't talked to see in a while. School-ness, work-ness, the ex, GAG, but anyways, he's busy....J? J-s cool, we didn't really talk about his girl much, but no news is good news, because when it's big, it's usually bad, so quiet and cool is the way we like it. Playa playa's nose is healing, lol...what else?

Well, yeah there is the "personal life."  The song "Why Don't You and I get together?" by Nickle back kinda sums up where I seem to be one moment...I highly recomend the whole song but the hook this morning rang in my head...Everytime I try to talk to you, I get tongue-tied, It turns out that everything I say to you, Comes out wrong and never comes out right. ....

I'm trying to just crawl under my sheets for awhile. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get company, but I'm more scared than ever of screwing up....kinda know I will no matter what I do :(

J and I talked last night and he kinda summed up my life in the present....

"I know you, so this is kinda intriguing to read your stuff miles away...but if someone just randomly came upon your journal, just by accident, or by a search engine, they might leave, lost, confused, and a little more stupid then before."

Funny that's how I feel once I'm done writing usually. N-E-ways, J-lows gonna make the phone go ring ring, so I better allow myself to get distracted before I fall into a fit of solitude....

PS. other comments J-made that were quite notable:

When speaking of the ex: "You know, there's doctors for what he has."

(Okay that was mean, so pardon my repeating it, and J-for letting it slip, but it was said in the least harmful way, and *really* it was so hilarious! Okay, Sorry.)

When Speaking of my life: "You seem like a girl who's just trying to figure out why everything seems to be going wrong in your world"

--Ain't it the truth?