Game Night

You ever get the feeling like you're getting your hopes way too high. Like  any second they might come crashing down on you, because, in the end you're a dreamer and reality is truly about those little details?

Two examples:

Didn't buy  the plane tickets last night, only because we decided to move the trip from thurday to friday night  to friday to saturday night, meaning, more and better use of our time and far more opportunity to have the fun night experiance. 

Of course, thingas can't be perfect and sisters in AZ are leaving our asses without lodging,meaning,details--no lace to stay, why go at all? My resolution, buy tickets now, worry about lodging later--new deadline midnight tonight.

Example two: I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I want to have fun, and I think I'm not alone in this goal. ...it would be really cool ;)

What are YOU doing September 23?

HAHA! Another reason I love Sisters! Trying to convince J-low to stop caring about the tiny insignifigant details of life, hop on a plane with me and just go to Arizona for a weekend adventure. I'm thinking I'm going to buy two tickets on SWA, and if J-low is absolutely not convinced to go with me, I'm bound to take someone.

hmmm...that was odd. What I meant to say is that I'm bound to take a Sister.. or even maybe C, cause he's always good times on the road trips, but what an idea...just to kidnap someone??? Quick escape? I've talked about it before. hmmmm.... wow, on top of being a bad stalker, I'm a bad kidnapper...how many people who intend to kidnap a person, give them three weeks notice? well maybe I'm a considerate criminal,--highly ineffective, to say the least, but considerate?

Anyways! So, I'm so thinking Arizona!!!!! I think I might do it. I really do....I think Five would say I'm so being a LEO right now. Forgetting that their are details to life...bags to pack,  places to stay, food to buy, etc, etc, ...awww, details. This is what other people love about me too though...I am always fun at least. I do love adventure....

hmmm...okay deadline is midnight tonight to buy the tickets? Do I do it???? hmmmm....

http://www.digitalupload.com/datapath/ac55b967f3e3b0edccf5be563e4a6016/23301_p213361.jpg

Equivalent

So here's my opening quetion:

Do guys have an equivalent to ladies "Victoria Secret nights?"

Now, every woman I know can admit to having a Vicky night. One of those nights, that started off as a long day at the office, a tiring day of school, or just whatever, that made the day end with you feeling, blah.

So, the sweetest remedy, a nice long hot shower, or a long bath drawn to wash the cares and worries away,  something that will leave your body feeling fresh, soft and ultimately tochable. Usually this is followed or accompanied by something sensous or soft playing on the radio, my preferance this evening is John Mayor.

but what makes this a Victoria Secret night, is the slipping into that great slip or nightie each one of us girls have. Usually reserved for special nights, but ya just feel like you deserve to be beautiful? And we do. We deserve to be beautiful.

So there it is, slipping into something silky and sensous, with no outside judgement to be passed. All done with the mindset of this is who I am, and this is what I deserve each night, a long endless pampering and flattery of self, by the self. 

I think it's healthy. So...back to the question--

hee hee as I sit in my $140 dollar silk robe. aww yes, sometimes it does take money to feel this pampered, but---

Do men ever experiance this bliss? This self affirmation of sexual cunning, potency?

I wonder how many guys own a pair of silk boxers? How many of them feel they look damn good in them? How many of them would wear them, not for a partner, but just to be like "Oh Yeah, baby, silk?"--

Okay this might be strereo-typical, how many aren't gay?

Hmmmm...just thoughts that run through my head before I go to bed. Scandally clad, a candlelit, alone, but affirmed that when I look in the mirror, I'm a damn sexy person to be alone with? lol. Good night...JM's gonna sing me lullabyes, and yes, I'm going to let myself feel whatever the melody brings...release, sadness, loneliness, fear of togetherness, happiness, releif, numb, what-ev. Whatever comes on next, whatever lays ahead or whomever lays besides me, tonight in pink silk seems all okay.

 

And slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end

Blah....I've done it again...I write this entire entry out, only to press a button carelessly and have the entire entry erased. You know what that tells me?

That it wasn't meant to be out there. HAHA! No I lie, I have to much of self-will to beleive that. I actually just beleive it means that I'm a clutz, and should watch what buttons I push on the damn computer.

So, WHAT I WAS WRITING WAS...

Last night was incredible. Had a beautiful experiance with one of our "self-proclaimed" Interest. Now this is a big deal, because we can say a hundred and one times oh, this is so and so, she's an interest. But to hear a girl say, (*proudly***YaY***)

"Hi my name is So-and-So-and I'm an Interest"

It's the most beautiful thing. I'm a sucker for new girls. This girl could ask me for  anything, and I'd probably do it. It's awful. Some Sorors that know me have nicknamed me "Pixies and FairyDust" because they say I'm constantly making our organization sound like this beautiful thing filled with "Rainbows" instead of headaches. but I can't help it. I love my organization, and when I speak with interest, I just feel that until these girls become Ladies I have to try everything in my power to convey to them what a beautiful experiance it is to know "the only way" in a "sea of burgundy and Grey." Well...I could go on...

Anyways, so my refrigerator finally has food in it--Food other than carots and broccoli. --A girl needs meat! Besides, Hip-hop is going to kick my butt, and I swear by the end of this semester, I'll be smaller than J-low, if my instructor keeps us dancing the way she does....I love the comment one girl made after class...

"There's parts of my booty I shook, I didn't even know I had!"

Jobs are not playing out as nicely as I wanted and this is upsetting. Given, I haven't really tried all too hard, but I guess I have to now. Grrr.

 So hmmm....Food, Sorority-ness, Money-stuff. hmmm....the house is coming together, I still really need to unpack!!!! Moving sucks. School? Hard, but manageable. I'm going to be making many visits to the library. Um...J-low is so in love it's sad. I mean, she's loopy, but she appears to have a good man, so she's happy which makes me very happy. Because when J-lows happy, everythings a little easier in my world. Hmmmm....C, well, I haven't talked to see in a while. School-ness, work-ness, the ex, GAG, but anyways, he's busy....J? J-s cool, we didn't really talk about his girl much, but no news is good news, because when it's big, it's usually bad, so quiet and cool is the way we like it. Playa playa's nose is healing, lol...what else?

Well, yeah there is the "personal life."  The song "Why Don't You and I get together?" by Nickle back kinda sums up where I seem to be one moment...I highly recomend the whole song but the hook this morning rang in my head...Everytime I try to talk to you, I get tongue-tied, It turns out that everything I say to you, Comes out wrong and never comes out right. ....

I'm trying to just crawl under my sheets for awhile. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get company, but I'm more scared than ever of screwing up....kinda know I will no matter what I do :(

J and I talked last night and he kinda summed up my life in the present....

"I know you, so this is kinda intriguing to read your stuff miles away...but if someone just randomly came upon your journal, just by accident, or by a search engine, they might leave, lost, confused, and a little more stupid then before."

Funny that's how I feel once I'm done writing usually. N-E-ways, J-lows gonna make the phone go ring ring, so I better allow myself to get distracted before I fall into a fit of solitude....

PS. other comments J-made that were quite notable:

When speaking of the ex: "You know, there's doctors for what he has."

(Okay that was mean, so pardon my repeating it, and J-for letting it slip, but it was said in the least harmful way, and *really* it was so hilarious! Okay, Sorry.)

When Speaking of my life: "You seem like a girl who's just trying to figure out why everything seems to be going wrong in your world"

--Ain't it the truth?

Quick Response

LOL!!! In case this was overlooked:

Hey!  Zuby, you like reeses peanut butter cups?  I can put some in your eggs if you want.  Dont know your story completely but there is an American with hair under you that might have a 21st century communication devise soon.  try it.
Comment from minerscience - 8/31/04 1:47 AM

Yeah, just when I was like, hmmm, emotional day lays ahead, leave it to the universe to spring some randomness. So, before I begin my day, a quick hello and response:

I love reeses peanut butter cups, but never had them with eggs. I'd try them if you made them for me, but don't guarantee I wouldn't gag. My story is one of unrequited and always unanswered love, but you've always known that, and as usual it's the story of my life. What American do you speak of? and I'd hope you know I  have higher standards then hair. I have a feeling Goldshlagger called you again last night, and besides answering you two might have become friends. (I hope you and your girl are okay on that note.) Last time I checked I have no-one under me, and actually just want someone to lay beside me. I own all kinds of 21st century communication devices; hopefully one of these days I'll put them to use as I'll have more friends that use them.

Miss you friend, despite your complete randomness. Well, maybe that's a true friend? Taking your mind off of everything at present, simply reminding you nothing really does and can make sense sometimes. Oh well, you can sit around and mope trying to let go or remember what you do have, and hold on tight.

Hold on to whatever you find baby, hold on to whatever will get you thru, hold on to whatever you can baby, because I dont trust myself when loving you.

What should be done: what probably never needed to be said.

I should be doing homework, but it felt like I was re-reading the same sentance over and over again. You know when you get really tired all of a sudden, the words just blur on the page.

So, I lay in bed and try to make sense of my emotions. There is no need to try, I know exactly how I'm feeling.

I'm feeling misunderstood, but yet understand clearly how my behavior has earned me the reprucussions I'm feeling now. It really doesn't matter what you're doing when the perception of what you're doing can have a real impact on those around you.  

The "I should have...", "I could have" statements swarm through my head. I tell myself that these are all irrelevant, and the only thing left to do is what I've been asking someone else to do this whole time. I need to give myself a chance, as well.   

I know if someone knows me, they know I am loyal...and there really probably is nothing more to say on that. Had circumstances been better, life might have been easier, but they weren't and it isn't.

I do realize life is far more complicated than I want it to be, and I realize now how childish it might have been to try to simplify emotions into a series of statements and questions. I know I do this, so that I can try to understand. I simplify so that I might find sleep never realizing that someone else really might be loosing it weighing the pros and cons. I realize furthermore, how childish I can become because I allow myself to become reactionary. I cry because someone does what's in their best interest, but forget it was their happiness I had wanted this whole time.

I reflect on how I wanted to make things simple because I didn't want to make things complicated or confusing for someone else.  I allowed myself to believe late night calls and breif hellos were better than the obvious affection and support I could have been showing him (and the men I claim to be loyal to) all week, even as a friend.

Friend. That word seems to haunt me, but now I see with good reason. I say it time and again. I want my man to be a friend, but then realize I haven't really been a friend to any of the men in my lives. If I wanted something more to happen between me and someone else, I should have been prepared as a friend to help them get through whatever it is that they needed to get through before pursing or pushing my feelings of attatchment onto them.

Sadly, what's done is done, and they're is no taking back what I've done or failed to do. I guess, I'm just writing to let someone know, if I don't get it, I'm trying to.

I do want someone in my life. sure, as always, I'll take whatever he has to give. I think I just realized though, I might be getting -exactly-what I've been asking for, for a very long time. One, hopefully still a very good friend. Two, a much needed dose of honesty. and Three, maybe a chance to show that I am and can be more than the perceptions I've allowed to follow me. I do want to be more.

*sad laughter. maybe if I get this whole "showing" guys I can be a true friend, guys won't ask me to be their friends anymore. Maybe they'll realize they've always had one. I just hope I can make that realization easier to see though.

This all being said, I'm going to erase my own slate of past faults and issues away. I'm going to try to be a friend, but I'll probably always leave a door unlocked. I'll try to be the woman I expect any man to see, and not allow the inconsistancies of perception and reality remain. My phone will remain on. My away message if present can usually always be ignored. and the line between friendship and love, is there always to be crossed, blurred as it should be, and me patiently waiting on the other end.

~~~~Patience is always being asked of me, and I know I have little of this virtue, but please try to bear with me universe. Let those who know patience guide me by being patient with me. Let someone know, if I don't get it, I'm trying. I know there are always lessons and I want to learn but some lessons are hard and hurtful. All I can do is try. I know that is all any of us can do sometimes, right? *more sad laughter. I wish learning didn't have to feel so lonely though. who knows maybe one of these days I'll get a study partner.

Just keep me contemplating

So J-lo is determined not to let me sit around the house moping...instead I'm tempted into breakfast, shopping and eventually dragged to a 100 level Anthropology class. At the class I'm not enrolled in, I have one ear listening to lecture while I'm attempting to read my 600 level graduate articles on imigration in the 19th century, and I'm thinking, lol, "This teacher is so stupid, this class is so stupid...OMG, I'm a stuck up graduate student!" I disturbed myself.

So we come back home, my Dell's got my 'sappy' music on, and J-low , creepy little person,she throws me off the bed when I tell her I just want to mope. Now thrown onto my floor by a person half my size, in a mini-skirt no less, I'm convinced to change the playlist, and put Stroll music on. We dance, I laugh.

She leaves, I feel slightly better. Hip-hop class in less than an hour and I need to get ready. I miss him. Still confused. Change the playlist back, each track hits me...I wonder if it has or ever will hit someone? Why must I love someone that doesn't love me?  Hoping the beat of hip hop will replace the emptiness left in my bed, the sadness on the screen.

I want to tell someone: Come tommorrow. I want to say: Give me one chance, one chance to be good to you. But how many times can you ask? How many text messages can I send, asking him to share my bed? How many letters should I write not knowing if they're understood, cared about, or even read ? How many times as J-low says am I going to set my heart up, to be let down? Why should I let myself fall in love? I want to just show up, ask him point blank, love me, or at least let me love you. I want him to know that there is an open, unlocked door waiting for him. That he can cross the line whenever he wants to.

I have a feeling Hip-Hop might finally have competition, might not be able to fix this.