The storyline is just a private story...

Dear Universe,

Ever so often I review the entries in this blog and analyze how the storyline must read to a stranger in my life. I review the cast of characters, and see who has remained, and who I have been true to in portraying. Some days, I'll admit, I get it all wrong.

To point: a couple of weeks ago, a new reader asked me in a non-nonchalant fashion if one of the post were about him. I was honest and shyly admitted it was not. He wasn't hurt, but then proceeded to ask if the post was about another friend I had casually mentioned as being the cause of a serious bridal dilemma... The dilemma being: Do you invite the ex-boyfriend to the wedding? I again truthfully responded, that the specific blog entry he was citing had nothing to do with the guy he was citing either. He seemed confused, and confronted me point blank.

In all honesty, I responded to him, as I think I should reiterate now: My blog entries are meant to be an open evaluation of something I was part of, affected by, and witness to, but ultimately not actively in control of. This is how I view some parts of my life. For better or worse. I am just part of the cast of characters

Meaning,I feel people will be put in a moment that will usually effect them as it does me. NONETHELESS, it is My experience, that I write. --Sometimes, to a fictional third party, only contemplating. What should I do? Do I sway another person's choice, and tell him, she's not right for you...knowing he's happy?
Do I respond to the ex that has just told me he loves me? Do I admit that seeing a lost loves new girlfriend makes my heart quiver just a bit? Do I rationalize that when their partners not available a stripper, girl at the end of the bar, or friend in a chat-box suffice all the same?

Ultimately, I think my writings are my sounding boards of true wants, and yes, of true grown emotion. But ultimately its just my way of coping.

I want to tell the best friend, I can't believe he married his wife, and I want to tell an ex, he was the most amazing lover I've ever had to date (even though, well, I've been lucky)....I want to tell Someone I'm happy for him, as I always am, but perhaps emotionally give myself a sympathy party that reads, even though I'm entitled to no such emotion, in my fantasy land of me, he will always be mine. Most of all, in my fantasy world, I pretend that all such musings are acceptable. That no reader, my past and present loves alike, would ever take harm by my rationalizing my heart.

Allowing myself to love, lust, and play in a mental labyrinth with an emotional rubix... This is what I do...It is part of who I am and who I am becoming.

With that said, I'm going to try to solidify the cast of characters again soon, and possibly re-write my own...stay tuned universe.

xoxo,
DCGG