The Breakdown

I have a shirt, that has a cute little owl holding a bitten lolly-pop saying "Uno...., dos....."

Should you translate it from Spanish to English, it would read:  "One, Two....."

The shirt is based on the commercial "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop" 

This day has sadly become the analogy to my shirt.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of this 1L.

I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but given I pulled it together...Let me just put it out there.

I cried. From 8:30 am to 8:45 am I couldn't stop crying. The simple idea that I was not on schedule, that I couldn't get some "rationale" down for my "rule of law" for the upcoming assignment, and the fact that I simply just want to sleep or  get some damn Starbucks coffee to make it through my day, made me cry. And I couldn't stop.
Its week 2, day 9 or 10, because I've lost all sense of time, and I'm already crying! What does that say? Does that say I'm week, that I can't hack? Absolutely not. And I know this. So Why can't I stop crying?
I start thinking of my scholarship. $10,000 dollars. Not even a fourth of my tuition. But as per our GLORIOUS administrative seminar yesterday, we were all reminded how our "class rank" determines whether or not we have our scholarships renewed.  And I'm on week 2!  Week 2 and I'm tripping over 1 damn assignment not even worth 1/10 of my final grade and I'm crying. And you know why??? Because it matters, people may say it doesn't but it does.  10 points from may grade may be the defining difference between being in the top 8 students in my section versus being student nine. Student 9 looses everything. No matter how great your rationale, no matter how air tight your essays to come may be, there's only room for 8 people, i that top 3% and and in law school, yeah, everyone is determined to be one of those 8. Everyone is working just as hard.

I pull it together by 8:45. not because I'm done crying or not because I've centered and pulled my cool Taoist mentality into focus. No I stop crying because I have a god damn case to  re-read for the 18th  thousandth  time, and  deadlines come faster than you know, and Civ.Pro already put out the next assignment....

I stop crying and just in time, because another person from my section hops on the metro with me. I'm smiles and sunshine, because everyone lies in law school.

We talk blase, and completely avoid the cases at hand.  Which makes me think we're friends.

Here's my decoder ring for any one interested:
Those who talk about "getting it," are lying.
Those who talk about "not getting it, " are lying.

Everyone says "do what works for you." --Liars

This is me not lying. I cried. I'm not even through freaking week 2 and I'm crying. 

Oh well, maybe I'm just more honest with myself. Maybe I'll scare myself into perfection.

 A quote from someone else's blog that rang true. "All I can say about the old days, is that I think about them every single minute."-JM