Ibiza

Tired and tortured by insomnia. Tomorrow I work out in an attempt to cure this.
Rsvp count. Who knows. 8 rooms booked. Dress arrives in a week??? Hopefully.

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How does it feel to be getting married, he asks.

I was going to ask you, I say..."Ever have cold feet?"

1:35 AM The Ex: I don't know, when I was going to get married, I didn't get cold feet, I knew, balls to bones. But what you are feeling, aprehension, little this little that, look you love this man and he loves you right, you know him and likewise, you have lived together for a good period of time, haven't cheated on one another, your a brilliant woman and like all women you don't know what you want--but you my friend, I know do not make rash decisions about serious life changing events.

Look at how far you have taken yourself already, your ready for this too. I have faith in you honey, just wish/ hope I can land a woman like you some day.

1:44 AM me: you always had this unshakable belief in me

1:47 AM The Ex: Well I know something everyone else doesn't.

1:51 AM me: Not sure even I know what you see in me...but I wish I was all you do see.

I really do wish I was everything he saw and sees in me still. Unshakable faith... I know Sometimes, I probably didn't and don't deserve it.

--------So, repeating a tweet that probably wasn't about me... #twothingsthatdontmix ex girlfriends & wedding invitations.

I wonder who that was about? 

xoxo, 
DCGG

Dear Pooh Bear,

Because you are entertaining, I find it increasingly harder not to disturb you. Isn't that always the way? When a person is readily available, you never seem to treasure the opportunity... Speaking of which, I've become amazing at selective reading of social network updates. Even better at avoiding troubling remindings. Ex's birthday was apparently two days ago. Selective facebook. One day I may just disappear altogether. Change my name. Email. Address. Only a few short days and months away.

Bridgette Jones style: rsvp.count, 3 yes, 9 no, 138 unaccounted for.

What I meant to write:
Dear Pooh Bear,
War and Peace, Chapter VIII. You remind me of Pierre. That is all.

Xoxo, DCGG

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Happy birthday

Today is my husband's birthday. 26. That makes him three years my younger.
He's at work now. Not quite the midnight shift, but the up before the sun and home for lunch shift. Its one of the shifts I should love because he comes home sooner, but in reality its awful. I feel useless because I've accomplished nothing in the time span he's been gone.
Then his coming home hinders all I would want to do. Work out, clean, etc. Oddly, his tired-ness just seems to permeate through all my ambition. Of course the most recent sinus infection hasn't helped matters either.

Sigh this was nothing I meant to discuss. Perhaps when my mind is clearer and the breathing isn't quite so labored.

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mind over body

2:08 am. Sleep is failing me yet again. but tonight im forcing myself to stay in bed. With a double dose of benadryll sleep should come. Should.
God I fear permanent insomnia. In other news, no news. nothing im ready to report anyway. Health issues are affecting me and my loved ones, and all I can ask for is that our ills be temporary.

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Blogger droid

Just a mobile test...hmmm. Lets see.

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The storyline is just a private story...

Dear Universe,

Ever so often I review the entries in this blog and analyze how the storyline must read to a stranger in my life. I review the cast of characters, and see who has remained, and who I have been true to in portraying. Some days, I'll admit, I get it all wrong.

To point: a couple of weeks ago, a new reader asked me in a non-nonchalant fashion if one of the post were about him. I was honest and shyly admitted it was not. He wasn't hurt, but then proceeded to ask if the post was about another friend I had casually mentioned as being the cause of a serious bridal dilemma... The dilemma being: Do you invite the ex-boyfriend to the wedding? I again truthfully responded, that the specific blog entry he was citing had nothing to do with the guy he was citing either. He seemed confused, and confronted me point blank.

In all honesty, I responded to him, as I think I should reiterate now: My blog entries are meant to be an open evaluation of something I was part of, affected by, and witness to, but ultimately not actively in control of. This is how I view some parts of my life. For better or worse. I am just part of the cast of characters

Meaning,I feel people will be put in a moment that will usually effect them as it does me. NONETHELESS, it is My experience, that I write. --Sometimes, to a fictional third party, only contemplating. What should I do? Do I sway another person's choice, and tell him, she's not right for you...knowing he's happy?
Do I respond to the ex that has just told me he loves me? Do I admit that seeing a lost loves new girlfriend makes my heart quiver just a bit? Do I rationalize that when their partners not available a stripper, girl at the end of the bar, or friend in a chat-box suffice all the same?

Ultimately, I think my writings are my sounding boards of true wants, and yes, of true grown emotion. But ultimately its just my way of coping.

I want to tell the best friend, I can't believe he married his wife, and I want to tell an ex, he was the most amazing lover I've ever had to date (even though, well, I've been lucky)....I want to tell Someone I'm happy for him, as I always am, but perhaps emotionally give myself a sympathy party that reads, even though I'm entitled to no such emotion, in my fantasy land of me, he will always be mine. Most of all, in my fantasy world, I pretend that all such musings are acceptable. That no reader, my past and present loves alike, would ever take harm by my rationalizing my heart.

Allowing myself to love, lust, and play in a mental labyrinth with an emotional rubix... This is what I do...It is part of who I am and who I am becoming.

With that said, I'm going to try to solidify the cast of characters again soon, and possibly re-write my own...stay tuned universe.

xoxo,
DCGG