writing here, instead of writing the ex. don't know what i'm doing or what i'm thinking. don't want to hurt him anymore, and yet, i wonder why i hurt myself. i mean, honestly, why am i relapsing? is it because i know the dentist is a fantasy, because i know Marine will be leaving, because i am now making things up about C falling for D, which i still think is fairly true, but still unimportant???? really now. ugh, i'm so aggravated with myself. and this nervouse scratching began again. fuck, my whole left forearm is all red. grrr....
and then--and then, *deep breath*--i pissed him off, geese. i had no right, and you know, my bat. seriously, ugh, i hate finals, and stress, and i want to just go to law school already and be done with it.
i', going to join a nunnery
working on pancho villa ness, lovely, freak'n lovely--and why am i doing this i can hear my mom saying: (and I recite) "Because mom, I was so damn scared that he was truly going to hurt me, that I packed up my bags, quit my $17 dollar and hour job+ benefits, took incompletes for the semester, and ran back home to mommy."
right, sobering, but sad.
C is pissed. OMG. and i so deserve it. ugh, i hate it when i do this. take things out on him that the world caused, and i couldn't deal with. grrr
texting him now--shall we see?
lol. yeah and like a true best friend, he doesn't text me back, he calls, and now, i'm not only getting c's arms, but moms cookies, and beer, wow, and they ask me why i love him?