Still here. Still me.

"You are still you."

Back to Best Friend Basics...

I'm changing my life. Again.
Why? What? Who?

Why Because I needed a change: The following blog should answer this.
What? Goal list. Challenges. Motivation in small accomplish-able task.
Who: My ex and me. (Yeah, its weird, I know)

Huh? Okay here's the deal:  It's taking a break-up, and an age old adage: "Be the change you wish to see." What?!?!?!?  Did I break up? Am I no longer, happily ever after? NO...quite the opposite. I'm HAPPY and TOO CONTENT.

Ever get into a rut? A comfortable place where you add on pounds and forget to do your make up, and wear sweats to your mans for softball games? Okay, well, that's where I'm at. Thanks for asking.

But, the Challenge: Seeing a friend in a cycle of destruction, and finding myself in a similar life funk...I realized it is time for a change...or Rather, a return to the basics. My proposal? A challenge to charting and accomplishing small life long changes. Create some goals. Create a deadline. Chart out the Little Things to make the Big Goal Happen.

Step One: Create Some Goals. Here are mine (so far):.
GOAL LIST BY SEPTEMBER 1.

Vanity
Good hair-Wen
Good smile-Whitening Products
Good Skin-ProActiv
Good makeup-Bare Minerals

Health
Vitamin Regime
30 day fitness-continuing with 30 day abs
Loose and Track Weight
Set up weights/boxing unit

Financial
Remain Debt free
Pay Obligations-
Pay Org Fees
Savings account-Hawaii
Savings account-Me (personal goal? $500?) -I'll figure that out, I guess?

Spiritual
BE a BEtter Friend. Send Cards
Learn Language
Start blogging again. (See, I'm serious!)

House
Clean it all-
Follow Clean House in 30 days?
Restore Baby Room
Sell CRAP in Garage (SALE)
create a fitting closet.

Partnership
Thank your partner for what he DOES do..work, school, cooking, hard labor
Appreciate your partner for what he DOESNT do. Eg. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't walk away when things get hard...
Don't nag-Assign mutual chores

Okay that's it. This is the plan. Hopefully this is step one to getting it back...AGAIN. :)

xoxox,
your (not so lost) Gossip Girl

"Breathe, eat, sleep. Wake up and do it all over again, until one day it's not so hard anymore."

I am just a Wife

Today is a bad day. One in which I feel has been postponed for quite some time, but is ever lingering. --It is a rare day that I allow the worst of what Mr. Boots says about me to resurface and resonate within me. But today is that day. And today, I realize, I am not an attorney, I am not any one special, I do nothing extraordinary for anyone, including myself. I am just a wife.

I have wrapped up my entire existence into holding this one title- "Wife."  My pride is no longer in myself, but in what I can help my husband achieve in his career. Not in how I look, but in  the appearance of who people see on his arm. I have become an ambassador of my husbands household and goodwill, and at the very least must maintain appearances. If I can not be a good wife, I should at least appear like one. 

This is no ones fault but my own. My husband never asked me to give up my entire life, my self worth, or my security to follow him....but I have, and so it is....My friends are his co-workers wives. My family is our unborn child. My financial security, dependent on his kindness. And, my self esteem dependent on his and others approval....When I fail at "my job" I feel absolutely worthless. I do not cook, I hate cleaning, and I can't get a job to contribute to our income...So, in sum, I am just a wife...a title granted to me, and held by so many others that do it so much better than I.

It could be worse. He could leave me. Then I'd be nothing. So today, I am just a wife...but at least I am that.

Thus, today will be a recoup day of picking my face up off the floor and going on. I will not cry. I will tell myself I am happy. I will clean the house I am trying so desperately to make a home. I will attempt to repair the plumbing that is consistently failing. I will discipline the unruly dog. I will do the laundry. I will get the bills paid. I will volunteer as a good wife is expected to do.  And, I will go assist the supervisor's wife install her deck because our husbands are away on duty.

I will attempt to do all this while trying to keep from crumbling inside.
I will do this without complaining to, or about, my husband.
I will remind myself, that it will not get better, it will only get worse.

He will always be gone, and even when he returns, he returns to duty.
It will only get worse.  I will always be alone.
If I can accept it, I can work with it.

This is the life I chose, so be it.

Another Trip Planned and Canceled...

Well, for those of you lucky enough to follow my life...a blog is not needed to share that I have been without running water for the past four days. While this is not the end of the world as "crying wife" would have someone believe....It is certainly not an experience I had cared to repeat (yet again) in my lifetime.

Fortunately for me I have very good friends, and one in fact that is out of town (Loud wife), who is allowing me to utilize her shower and water resources to my delight...."Crying wife" --who I shall rename momentarily--is also an angel, and has supplied me with bottled water from her own water delivery schedule. Aww, thank goodness for friends...

Speaking of friends...Lets re-organize the deck shall we...Pregnant wife is still pregnant, and emotional as all hell. Like Bi-polar emotional. She calls me at 11pm wanting me to come over. And, I in fact am over it...I now no longer pick up my phone after 10pm because I refuse to be sucked in. I shall be VERY thankful when her husband comes back from deployment.

Loud wife...has left down to the lower 48 for the furation of her husbands deployment. But even from a far she is low maintnence, and checks on me periodically. Albeit that she is to herself, she is never a direct bitch to me...So, I am still in her good graces and she is in mine.

Crying Wife--well, she is a dramatic 180...Once her husband left, she geared up, and became the "veteran wife" of a man in for a careers time. So tears are gone, and she is one of my best sources of companionship, in the sense that her children are grown, she treats me as an equal, though her husbands rank could denote me as below her, and she is constant in her social attitude towards me...We can hang out, or not, she's an adult, I'm an adult, we can have other friends, and she's not emotionally draining on me..as the pregnant wife is. Thus, I really like her. and we bowl often and visit our neighborhood stores together when bored.

Finally, two men are re-emerging...others floating silently. The "best friend" --has decided to re-emerge. He is okay with me calling him, and texting, and emailing him once more...and we even discussed the possibility of me visiting him. So, all in all, I'm super happy to have him back in my life.

The other is Mr. Boots...never gone for long, and on business now, he offered to fly me to his hotel in the middle of the mountains...I was very very tempted. While I didn't pack a bag, I certainly flirted with the idea of how much a rental car would cost...But due to cost, he opted to save his pennies for a down payment on a house...Wise choice...and one that I wonder was arrived at due to the fact that I told him my boundaries and I were impenetrable....despite the wife's okay. Now, that....that was intriguing to say the least...But alas, like most trips with Mr. Boots....they end in a reality check, that leaves fantasies and awkward silence...until we fall into our routine of intellectual sparring. I'm wondering now how long it will endure...this friendship based on fantasy but survived by our deep need for an intellectual other...we shall see...

Me...now I am exhausted. xoxoxo water filled world. Tomorrow I hope I shall see you for myself.

Letter to husband on Mom's visit...

 Hey Honey,

With only 3 more days to spend with her, here is the scoop on my mother... she is a bad cleaner, and a worse cook....I would not hire her as a servant any time soon. Fortunately she is my mother, so I am disregarding it all together. 

She wakes up late, watches a movie, and takes a nap. she then wakes up, does a load of dishes and watches something else then goes to bed by nine. It is slightly funny that she thinks she's doing me the favor by being here. I suppose for moral support it is nice, but as far as "helping" she is kinda useless. Not one box has been emptied or moved for that matter. We did get the entertainment center together though, so thats a plus...On the other hand, I think she broke the guest bed all together. (weight) She is everything I fear I may become. But again, she is my mother. 

For the most part, i guess I had hoped she'd come and be my support and be right beside me organizing the office, or preparing a nursery, but like you said she just wants quiet bonding time. I'm not used to it, so to me it seems like a waste of time, but I'm trying hard to appease her. 

I guess I need friends to help in the house aspect. I'd ask [Preganat Friend], but she comes with Kids, and shes useless, Bitchy Friend is gone, and Crying Friend only has so many days off that she spends them tanning and shopping. So back to doing it alone. At that, I won't be doing it much longer I'm determined to find a job. Anything. 

Kinda depressing, and I hope its done by the time you get back. I don't want to be one of "those wives" where you wonder what the hell I did for 6 months. 

Anyways, just bitching. Contrary to popular belief, sitting on my ass is not at all my style. 

Okaay, so hows your day?. 

I love you. Your Wifey

Ever Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart?

Truth be told I didn't...couldn't even sleep in "my"/"our" bed tonight.

So, I'm laying on the couch, thinking about drinking, knowing I probably won't...because it wouldn't make me feel any better. --I'd cry, but I'm so used to this, there aren't even any tears.

In regards to the video: well, the video sucks in my opinion, I just liked the title and  Alicia Keys has a phenomenal voice in it...and I like her hair....but I'm not sure it expresses any emotion I can pin down.

Tonight that is all I have, commentary on poorly made music video's and utter emotional refrain. Yup. if I drank, tonight would be a good night to indulge.