Dear Reader,
If you're completely confused, I understand and apologize, yet again. Hopefully the post below sorts out the time line and the newly emerged (previously unpublished) posts...that apparently have and have not posted on this blog.
But let's talk about today....or at least this past month.
If you haven't figured it out, I got married a while ago. Assuming you knew that, my husband moved me to the Arctic Tundra known as Alaska--It's a big state, so I doubt the stalkers will find me.
Still with me? Okay, so my husband got deployed...This is kinda recent. Happened at the beginning of the year. In the middle of winter, and right before buying a brand new 3story, 5 bedroom house. (For Valentines) Which I got to move into, by myself!
--Why did we buy a house in a place I hate??? As I explained it to one friend today, because my husband fell in love with it, and I was crazy enough to allow it.
So, yes, I have a deployed husband, a new house, and a dog and a cat in the frozen tundra...Do I hate it? Honestly, most days, yes. Why wouldn't I? I can't get to family in a life or death emergency. Really. I have heard of one birth and one death, and I was here, frozen in Alaska-- without any means to congratulate or console.
BUT!!! As Luck, God, Karma, the Creator, the Universe, etc would have it....I had an epiphany. A come to Jesus moment, a let me fly down the highway, on ice, and OFF the highway into a ditch full of snow moment....Thankfully, I, my dog (riding shot gun), and the truck, were not injured in this drama I call my life. But, like any good made-for-TV-drama, I had a new insight on life: I was in Alaska, I could die at any moment, and well, shit, do I want to die miserable or happy. --I chose happy.
So, ever since, yes, I put on my snow boots and smile at the world as I dig my truck out of the driveway.
And things have gotten better. Really. I got a "story book" Alaskan home...complete with cedar siding to make it look like a freaking log cabin. (My husband loves this look). My dog, who pretty much terrorized me, has his own backyard to run in. Additionally, while my husband is deployed, no joke, the dog has become the guard dog of me. Where I go, he goes. If a leaf blows to close to our yard, I know about it, because my dog is growling. Soooo yeah, he's a mutt, a terror, and a complete pain in the ass...but he loves me, and I promise someone will get hurt if they try to come in this house and hurt me.
As an aside, the house is huge! There's plenty of room to breathe, and with unpacking everything (that managed to land in the garage as opposed to their designated bedrooms) I stay fairly busy.
I joined the "spouses club," and have met my neighbors. I've been here in the "new house" for almost three weeks, and I am managing, albeit alone.
Day in and day out, being a spouse of a deployed soldier SUCKS. No two ways about it, it sucks. BUT, "positive me" takes it as a learning experience. For instance, today I learned I can shovel a driveway full of a foot and a half of snow all by myself....and then 4 hours later, I learned, if I look really pathetic trying to do it again, the nice neighbor men are very willing to help little 'ole me with their big machines....
--Ala Scarlet, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." (Bats eyes)
But lets talk about my favorite topic, My Men....from November to NOW there has been a big change in that department, yet again.
FOR instance. Mr. Boots scared the hell out of me, by calling my phone---While my Husband was home--What's the big deal? -- Well, I gave myself the "light of day test"...If you don't feel comfortable doing what you're doing out in the light of day where your mama, or in this case my husband, can see you doing it, you probably shouldn't be doing it....SO, I kinda put the breaks on that....Now mind you I have ALWAYS been faithful, but maybe my flirting got out of hand. I did the faithful wife thing, I ended it before it went anywhere it could have, shouldn't have gone. But did I end it? I didn't mean to end it, I just freaked, and we are yet again in a silence? Loose end....
On the other hand, in the past MONTH...(which please don't read into this, as this is the month my husband has been deployed) I have caught up with A LOT of friends...many of them being men...The first encounter (you see in the below blog) with My Mr. Someone. But as you see, the conversation was cordial-- as we are both in goood good places in life, and in very committed relationships. But the rest of the month, well, here's how it started...with a girl...or girls???
So, my good college girl friend, from another part of Alaska, came to visit me about a week ago. We talked, reminisced, etc. It reminded me, "Huh, I should check on our friend Niles"....and I did, and that was swell. Well, not a night goes by, but then my ex fiance--The Dentist-- who was in the SAME crowd of friends as Niles and my aforementioned girl friend, updates his Facebook with the status,"I can't sleep."....Well, guess what? This deployed spouse couldn't sleep either, so we chatted. But yay, friends!
The next day, as I unpack my many boxes in my new home, I unearth some of the CD's that "HE" burnt for me..."HIM" the ex boyfriend, who I had my innocent "buttons" relationship with. The one who was referred to as "HIM" was my recovery, my fall back guy, and in essence my best friend. Many, many a friend swore he was gay, and at times I myself questioned, but yeah, I loved HIM. I found his CD's, and being sentimental, I emailed him at last known e-address, and to my surprise he responded. One line, that he was okay, and that we'd talk soon, but it was a lot after 3 years of silence. I was happy.
Yay. All this good college fun....In addition, a sorority event brought back more nostalgia this weekend, and an emergence of photos on Facebook brought a good Kappa Sig to put his Hello into my world via Facebook comment. SO of course I write back. We were oh so close....
Finally, today, of all days, I remember it is the "other fiance's" birthday. Mind you. We don't talk. Haven't talked for 3+ years either, because well, as his girlfriend, I got a girlfriend, and well, yeah, I bailed. --Admittedly, I was the heel the second time around, but when its over its over, and it was over...and besides he's married now and happy....So, I thought the hell with it, and messaged him, happy birthday and a belated congratualtions on the marriage. Hell, karma makes the world go round, so forgive and forget....
Now cyber universe, I put this question out to you....There's a lot of men in this short time span...My Someone, Niles, The Dentist, HIM, Kappa Sig, and the "other fiance"....Plus the Mr. Boots loose end, that I'm not sure how to tie up.... Seven. Basically...all of my Loves in my college life.. My highschool loves for the record are --my Marine, and My First Boyfriend, The Freshman, and his best Friend...yeah, classy, I know. But its a story, Like them all...
OKAY...and of only three other men -in my entire life--I "heart" that could possibly read this...is the Football player, who was a fling, but we remain friends via his sister--awkward because He's married too...My BFF's in texas, J and My Texas Boyfriend (married and about to be married, accordingly), and Pooh Bear from law school? Who keeps changing faster than a chameleon. So he's a catch up...but yeah. Friend boxes completely. Right? LOL
TRUTH...I say...Not bad since I'm 30, and in essence I am honest to goodness "friends" with 12 out of the 14. And this was all friendships established as "friends" before my husband. And for the record, I did not sleep with all of them...SO...is that okay? I'm pulling the light of day test on myself and saying as long as they are "just friends" okay....
Am I just open to keeping relationships friendships? Am I clinging on to a past, because my future isn't sitting beside me? Was it just weird timing?
If anything, it was worth a blog post. I'll try to be more frequent and current on the updates, as maybe the reflection would do me good. *Shrug* at least I'll look back on the years and smile.
xoxoxo,
DCGG
Another from there to here...
Dear Reader,
I apologize. This blog has turned into a timeline mess. --Below are three post that I didn't know published to "this" blog...as I now have a second blog that I use to track my current "my husbands deployed," scenario. --Below them are are three post that were in "draft form" that apparently never got published.
I have time lined them as closely as possible to how they may have occurred...So, if you want to see the previously "short" rants, of a miserable chick, by all means, see below...
But bear with me, the letter below should give some rhyme and reason to how I got from there..."Miserable married chick hating everything," to here..."Still Miserable, but FAKING IT and being grateful for all I have." (Smiley Face)
After this, I swear I'll give an, "In real time" update....
Notice: Mr. SOMEONE...Please excuse my printing of my letter to you, but I think you'll agree its pertinent...
Mr. Someone Asks: How are things these days?
(I respond via Facebook)
January 23
"....As to things now a days, it's a slightly complicated response.
I still am not in Love w.Alaska...Haven't been since August primarily because I was supposed to be working, and then couldn't (hiring freeze at DOD)...Plus, I can't even get TV where we are renting right now, which is a small uncomfortable environment with no yard, that makes owning a dog extremely stressful......And you might have read that frustration...but it is only frustration and boredom.
...BUT we are buying a home, which is beautiful, and in a good neighborhood, and has a yard, LOL --which as a spouse of a deployed soldier means, I no longer have to Freak out when the dog runs away in -50.
But, (((HUSBAND)) JUST deployed. -Like two days ago deployed, and well, that sucks. I'm not at all used to it, but Since December I did a check on my attitude that basically is, "I could Hate it here, or I could make the best of it, and bottom line is, I'm married, so I'm here regardless so I am going to do my damnedest to support my husband." And that's where I am now, a positive frame of mind. My mom and husband noticed the change. Even my husband's supervisor, is like, Your wife is always so positive
...So I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness regardless of circumstance... The Moving Helps immensely. It keeps me busy and gives me a light at the end of a bad renters tunnel. I just keep telling myself, I only need to make it until Feb 16th. Also, as of THIS morning, I finally got the paperwork cleared so that I could be hired/working. Which will also keep me busy...
Finally, I plowed the truck into snow last month-- off the highway-- which will give anyone a quick "come to Jesus" moment...I realized very quickly, all I had to loose, and make it a point to be very grateful. I try to tell everyone I love how important they are...because yeah, I could have lost so much...
Anywhoo, thats me.1 yr summed up. How are you?"
I apologize. This blog has turned into a timeline mess. --Below are three post that I didn't know published to "this" blog...as I now have a second blog that I use to track my current "my husbands deployed," scenario. --Below them are are three post that were in "draft form" that apparently never got published.
I have time lined them as closely as possible to how they may have occurred...So, if you want to see the previously "short" rants, of a miserable chick, by all means, see below...
But bear with me, the letter below should give some rhyme and reason to how I got from there..."Miserable married chick hating everything," to here..."Still Miserable, but FAKING IT and being grateful for all I have." (Smiley Face)
After this, I swear I'll give an, "In real time" update....
Notice: Mr. SOMEONE...Please excuse my printing of my letter to you, but I think you'll agree its pertinent...
Mr. Someone Asks: How are things these days?
(I respond via Facebook)
January 23
"....As to things now a days, it's a slightly complicated response.
I still am not in Love w.Alaska...Haven't been since August primarily because I was supposed to be working, and then couldn't (hiring freeze at DOD)...Plus, I can't even get TV where we are renting right now, which is a small uncomfortable environment with no yard, that makes owning a dog extremely stressful......And you might have read that frustration...but it is only frustration and boredom.
...BUT we are buying a home, which is beautiful, and in a good neighborhood, and has a yard, LOL --which as a spouse of a deployed soldier means, I no longer have to Freak out when the dog runs away in -50.
But, (((HUSBAND)) JUST deployed. -Like two days ago deployed, and well, that sucks. I'm not at all used to it, but Since December I did a check on my attitude that basically is, "I could Hate it here, or I could make the best of it, and bottom line is, I'm married, so I'm here regardless so I am going to do my damnedest to support my husband." And that's where I am now, a positive frame of mind. My mom and husband noticed the change. Even my husband's supervisor, is like, Your wife is always so positive
...So I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness regardless of circumstance... The Moving Helps immensely. It keeps me busy and gives me a light at the end of a bad renters tunnel. I just keep telling myself, I only need to make it until Feb 16th. Also, as of THIS morning, I finally got the paperwork cleared so that I could be hired/working. Which will also keep me busy...
Finally, I plowed the truck into snow last month-- off the highway-- which will give anyone a quick "come to Jesus" moment...I realized very quickly, all I had to loose, and make it a point to be very grateful. I try to tell everyone I love how important they are...because yeah, I could have lost so much...
Anywhoo, thats me.1 yr summed up. How are you?"
Dear friend who's call I didn't pick up,
Its 1: 42 and I'm barely going to bed. Rough night of just missing my husband. I want so much to make things easier on him, but I know its just part of it. Putting on a brave face and smiling is just the hardest...le sigh. just another night as just another deployed soldier's wife.
Just when I thought my Husband couldn't make me any happier...he does.
until winter dust blows over..
Two ambien and glass of white, equals sleeping until this winter dust blows over..