Silly Friends, Blue Flowers, and the Zen Professor

So...a lot, in a very little time as I need to get in a cab to get on a Plane to CHI-Town... in oh 4 hours....So....try to stick with me, I'm speed typing: I.e. writing what I think...

Chicago: -The Windy City, home of some decent pizza, and place I'm resenting packing for at the current moment...(Why?...you'll see...)
3 questions:
1) Do only 'Greeks' get pissed that Chi is pronounced "Shy?"--bugs...
2) Why am I paying for this trip?
3) Why am I bugged I'm going on a trip 3 weeks before finals?
--Oh wait, it's because I'm PAYING FOR THIS TRIP 3 WEEKS BEFORE FINALS!
I need to study, which I WON'T DO. I need to save MONEY, which I don't have. AND, I really, really, REALLY love traveling, but this is gonna be one of "those" trips where the plan is fun, but the result is me coming back on Monday at 1am and then trying to go to Agency jet lag (and lets face it, probably hung-over).

So that's that. And an hour ago I was bitter because my girlie friends came over to wish me well, and by that I mean drink my liquor, eat my food I had delivered, and then leave to the bar I can't go to, because, that's right I'm packing....

Now the food and drink thing, I don't mind: At ALL. My house is the guest house. The hotel, the 'here are the keys to my place, come home trashed, have a boy over....just DONT Have sex on my bed' (That's just courtesy, right???) place kinda place...
&&&&&&&
I love my friends, they could take or break anything, and I'd be cool. What was sad, and got me bitter was seeing them leave. Not because they invited me out, and I can't go, but because I had to be all grown up. I had to be responsible and say: "Wish I could, but I can't"
Growing up? Hmmmm. *crosses arms, sticks out tounge, and makes a noise like a toddler: "I doh-n wanna!"

Anyways, aside from the madness of packing, which I finally completed, I bought my self blue flowers today. Why? because of the Zen Professor, who after an amazingly 2.5 hour long conversation (WHY>!>!>!>) made me actually feel good about some insecurities.

His messages simple:
1. "Don't fight it"
2. "Listen to yourself"
3. "Get Centered" and
4. "Don't let anyone do for you, what you can do for yourself."

I left, amazingly, for once, not confused but actually with it "together." It was weird; and, if you knew this guy, and my feelings about him(i.e. I've told him to his face he's nuts), you'd think this quest impossible. But there it is, the Martian reminded me that I didn't just land on Earth, and I've known how to handle myself for quite some time....

Sorry the base breakdown: Professor said in the simplest terms: "take care of You, first."

So, I bought myself blue flowers.
Why? Because they made me happy.
Two, because when I saw them, my first thought was, "Awww, I wish someone would buy me flowers."
and then it hit...Why do I need to wait for someone to buy me flowers?
I can buy my own damn self flowers.
and I did. And they sit on the center of my table, blue and bright.

Ne-who. Last Comments then its to bed.
1) I like numbering things lately. Like really. LOL!
2) I thought this blog was all secret and hiddeny- (yes, "hiddeny") and guess, what, ITS not! all I had to do was punch in an old screen name into Google, then "poof!" (Google, what would cyber stalkers do without you?)
which,
3) I am SOOOO glad no one knows me by my old screen name!
Except
4) If my 3L (who, lets just admit now if you haven't figured it out, I have a 12 yr old crush on) is reading this, HAHAHA, stalker.
but
5) I'm gonna invite him to, cause, well, I like him, and this is the "it" place of my thoughts.
The no holds bar, sorry if you get hurt, read the disclaimer, 'cause its only truth, because I need to vent and get honest with me, where I run the risk of hurting myself dramatically, because this is the raw nerve of emotion I choose to expose kinda space I invented.

Ooh, speaking of new readers. Hi 'Dirk.' I've missed you. Thanks for coming back into my life. Open a book.

yeah....and with that. Wha-la, I am tapped. To bed with the Storm.


"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for" Epicurus (341 BC-270 BC).

A moment of perfect...

After a slightly embarrassing morning, which I would do a thousand times over (--um, that story maybe later), I had a hard time (as my friend E would say) "getting back to center."

Meaning, I couldn't focus, and replayed the scenario in my head a thousand times, with the thought: "You couldn't let a good thing 'just be', could you?"

Anyways, back to recovery...so after said morning moment, I was a little jolted, and I conversed with two great friends- kAT and KITTEN. The consensus was "just let things happen."

Side Track: The Way of the Tao, always comes back to haunt me it seems.... "let it be" they say.

Why is the tao so valuable?
Because it is everywhere,
and everyone can use it.
(Lao Tzu)

Letting it be, tomorrow perhaps will turn my awkward 12 year old moment into not a moment at all, but instead as a quirk of vulnerability that is undoubtedly present. :) Maybe.

Sentences without context, make for bad storytelling I know, but alas, you'll have to deal....

The moment I do want to discuss is the moment I had 30 minutes ago. The moment I had after I had resolved to be some nonpracticing version of a Taoist, and was practicing being an uncommitted student. The moment I decided to go to a school organizations showing of Slumdog Millionaire. Which was amazing.

I had Indian food for $3. I started reading for Copyright, I loved the movie, and I got a study partner for finals...

All was swimming, and I was walking out of my school, with a 1L, not remembering this morning, but entrenched with learning about "him" and "his schedule" and I must have obviously been in deep, because as I stood outside, I told him,

"Shhhh...."
and he did. "Wait. Stop. Just look...."
"It's pretty" he said.
"No," I responded "look,"
"At the Cherry Blossoms?"
"At everything...Look.... I'm having a moment..."

and I was. He let me, too.

I took it in, and for a few seconds, everything was perfect.

The mist was just barely in the air, the fog was catching the moonlight, the moonlight was lighting up this gorgeous law school that I take for granted that I go to....
and there it was,

Perfection.

The 1L left me with smiles and goodbyes, but the feeling stayed as I walked home.

I walked to my beautiful apartment, down a beautifully lit street, and I felt like everything was perfect.

I glanced over to the exact spot that my morning had been confused by, and instead of reliving a moment, I just smiled and had one instead.

I felt then and I feel now, as I always have in "these moments;" that I am so lucky.
-I could have just sat in the middle of my parking lot, pulled my umbrella to the side, and let the misty rain fall on me.

Rain? Rain, what people pray for. Rain, what people curse. Making the cherry blossoms grow, making the commute impossible, rain?

No, tonight it wasn't that complicated. It was just mist. A beautiful moonlight mist. Tonight was just a moment of perfect.

chasing pavements- the story behind the status

Like an idiot, I got wrapped up before finals.
In a fruitless campaign, fruitless obligations, and my hopeful mind's notion that I could ever be more than a summer romance, spring break affair, or (admittedly) that girl you just couldn't quite say 'no' to.

But alas, reality takes work. The admittedly lazy: well I suppose we would have problems with all the bloody details that go into sustaining an interest.

I once asked a 3L, if I tried to kiss him if he would run away. His response. I don't know how to run away.

Well, my guess is track season has already begun. Lets see if we go for a run tomorrow; shall we?
So, do I give up or do I just keep chasing pavements?

love,
me

Say So, Uh huh her

Say So

mobile blog test one

its that time again...

Ohhhh-9

In a very interesting change of events, the new year has come, along with my favorite sister, and yet another semester. In truth, I'm ecstatic. Life in short is Wow.
In the feed: My ex is apparently dating, which thrills me, as I haven't missed him since the day he left.
In the news: My favorite Someone, is also seemingly happy-and I must say, I am very happy for Him-- although I am saddened at the prospect that the soonest visit I may have is delayed until April. Alas, the 'politics' of a MR. Busybody who is always pencilled into my schedule.

Otherwise, I have found myself alone and yet perhaps Finally liked?
-the break down- think base; not neurotic-
Daily messages from "Michigan" and my "gay" ex-bf. keep my confidences up.
Invites from my colleagues keep me feeling popular.
My favorite sister keeps me guessing.
My mom keeps me grounded.
My dad keeps my phone on.
My J keeps me thinking I really may be everything everyone says.

New charectors to as my world turns.
Well there's S. who for all purposes has become my "BFF" or butt buddy - yeah kill me now if that gets started.
shes well- too busy for me- but equalibrium will catch us.

Next is above mentioned "Michigan" who is dying to sleep with me and every other female, sadly making it impossible.

Hmmm. there's my new found "5th grade crush" who i met over winter, and will never see again.

Finally, there's SA... who since summer ive missed and since November not spoken to. Still has my heart that one,

All in all, everyone is perfect, and as alone as I am, I'm not at all lonely. Semester is charted...It's going to be a great year!

I'm SAVED!!!! Maybe?

Dreams are supposedly an interpretation of our current stresses,... right?

Thus, when I wake up from being "saved" from death, by none other than the invisible presence of Jesus Christ, I should just shake it off as, --"you really drank too much Riesling lat night hon, hon."

But I didn't. Well, I did. But who in their right mind DREAMS of JESUS?

Me, apparently.
Now this is beyond wild.

A car I am somehow "driving" but not in control of begins to fall off of a major highway. In my seconds of peril, I am smiling not concerned, and look out the window, as if angels are carrying me, and recite some mantra that I can not remember verbatim, but is the equivalent of
"Praise be to Jesus, I believe. I will be saved."

--Now, I was raised Catholic....So the mind I'm sure reached back for that one....BUT C'MON!

JESUS! Jesus the Man, Jesus? Are you kidding me.

Well, in the dream --like some car racing game -where if you totally wreck or fly off the highway, you're transported back to where you were right before the wreck.... this is what occurs.
"Praise be to Jesus, I believe. I will be saved."

I haven't gone to a service in (HAHA) God knows how long? but maybe just maybe I should start?

I don't EVEN drive!!!! I'm long ago gave up the Catholic Church. I have often considered my copy of the Tao of Pooh my soul source to religion. But there it is....dreaming of the Man. They say God works in mysterious ways....I think so does excessive drinking. Nonetheless, Jesus.

My epiphany: it's like having a superstar shake your hand.