"My anger has meant pain to me but it has also meant survival, and before I give it up I'm going to be sure that there is
something at least as powerful to replace it on the road to clarity." -Audre Lorde, "The Uses of Anger"
Gotta admit I began to ponder my road to Clarity.

Okay. so boredom from work...but let me share my latest dream. ~dreams which i'm not used to having! ~ Here it is:
I wake up panicked. Very Dorothy Style I feel like " you were there and you were there..."
So the weird scenario: I'm with my Ex, weird- but almost understandable. He popped up on my Buddy List
- so i'm with him going to a music class being taught by Mr. Someone!
It gets weirder. In the class is my other Ex Fiance, the Dentist.
Yeah ToTo he's not in Kansas or Cali anymore.
So we walk into the class, and all these men in my life are playing guitar. None of these guys play Guitar!!!
Well, Mr. Someone is running class and is trying to get everyone to play The star Spangled Banner. (Seriously don't ask me
what I was smoking.) So "The Class" doesnt take this seriously-Who would?- and this upsets Mr. Someone.
Now here comes the climax. Mr Someone demands pop quiz style for everyone to start performing individually
So...individual performances. A girl goes up to Mr. Someone and says she doesnt want to perform or rather can't.
So Mr. Someone turns on her and says he's going to fail her. Somehow he also makes an causation that because she's an Educatio
Major of not being able to perform. At this remark, this poor female begins sobbing and runs out to the hallway.
Realising his error Teacher goes to console her. I,however- being so upset, push homeboy out of the way and tell him "Don't
even. You've done enough." Apparently very tough in this dream. (Right) so I go and console this girl.
Girl is just so sad. I tell her he can't treat her like that... and I wake up mortified at how awful Mr. Someone appeared.
I wake up hot, sweaty, and confused. I am so alarmed, I lay back in bed, close my eyes shut and wish a small wish that even
my subconsious thought up such meanness.
So, the question is being begged. What does it all mean? Why am I dreaming suddenly? Am I just overworked? Thinking too much?
Defense mechanism against Catching Feelings? How do I feel.
Here's what happened. i got up. i showered.
I went to work. got bored off my mind.
So what does it all mean? it means i dream now. it means i'm normal. overall, it means nothing.

Ah ha. cali boy has a journal. Yay. lets delve into his so called life :-)

Return of the ex. wow. way to jack up my world
Also first day back to work. co-Worker mess. but handled with grace
Okay so adventures on greek row.
To reiterate: nothing happened

okay. so this is probably highly inappropriate to share but oh well. so i have this dream that me and my Marine sleep together
Not only highly unlikely but just weird. Weirdest part: blows my freaking world. Lol. okay. that was it. Suffice it to say I
woke up with a smile. ~~Just so its known, I don't dream like that so it was like Wow.
In other news: being alone on Spring Break Sucks. I hate away messages. Worse-> I hate seeing C online, knowing he's at work,
Meaning, i can't IM him anyways. grr. as he would say, "sucks and blows."
Okay. got a call from my Spring Break fast cash employer, todays my last day to be a bum
9am manana. joy. plus co-worker boy. ewe. well, i did want money.
I'm thinking 150 gross. 3 Days. not bad. Pays my credit card down to zero :)
Okay. enough chill'n. i've been waiting on the dentist to "Brb" - yeah, no.
Time to do, and make things happen :)

Honey I blew up the modem. Literally. This whole time, my internet was slow. just a warning. Blew up. Literally. In Smoke.
So yeah, facebook or IM me on my phone. *Shrug* Those who want, know the cell. :)
Anywho revisiting my summer music collecting. Amazingly I'm shocked at the self composed compilations, and those created by
others. Suffice it to say, I grew up a lot that summer. Still growing.
Trying still to remain content alone, not "Catch Feelings," and do. After all, I'm good. Nothings missing, right.

Not So Sentimental

The Facebook...Aw the joys.
Recently I stumbled across one of my sorrors pages, and for all the groups I regret not being able to join this one might be tops:  the "I'll cut you bitch" group.
I mean I'm not an angry person, and I prob would get my a$$ handed to me if i ever got into a fight, but-- LOL, doesn't it just sound cool?
anyways, was having a wonderful dia-- still kinda am, sleep has an amazing effect when you've been deprived for hmmm 38 hours?
Well over-rated,  but now, IM ON SPRING BREAK!!!!!!
yes, punks across my campus are slumping through the hallways but throughout the education department, you see everyone wearing a smile. APS free for one entire week.
I slept in til 9am! 9 am, sounds insane, but omg i felt over rested, life was grand
....
speaking of grandness--had a convo with HIM the other night, in oh so many words I let him know how I felt and he let me know how he felt, and long story short
He'll be dating--and I've been dating--neither have plans on stopping, "we" won't exist, and we're both okay with that. At the highlight of sentimental-ness, He told me he loved me (awwww)....and I told him I missed him (awwww some more) and then we concluded that with the perfect will and grace convo: should I still not have anyone in 7 yrs, he'll still be "my baby's daddy."
(and to answer my sorrors questions: Will it be in a clinic? or old school method? the answer i come to find out will be the latter--? So I guess when I'm 30, not only do I not need to be worried about being without child, I'm at least guaranteed one booty call?  )

Speaking of booty calls---
Employee boy--here's the novela update---drum roll please?  alright alright, I have ethics, not many but I've got em. I saw him today. I told him no.  Grrrr--worse thing is, ethics alone didn't contribute: in my head bounced: ethics, his non-cute factor, and me having to work with him in two days, can you say Weird?

So there it is, my pseudo- Spring Break-ness complete all by the first day of School:
HE is HIStory
Employee Boy got fired
Clovis boy, is in some other zip code, and he can stay there (although--he, was cute)

Yay.
Now my permanents:
C is dating someone, go him
J finally called, yay, he's not dead, (HOMIE CALL AGAIN)
Prophet rang up and left a voicemail that i still havent checked,
My Marine is hating life, but is getting paid Bens, so he'll deal and call me
Dentist is still utterly sweet and sends me kisses ever so often to remind me that there are good guys

Not so permanents:
The EX, who knows? C told me theres a brunette? according to the facebook he's with someone else though? hmmm. I'd be confused but don't care enough
NY Lambda: haha no love for me! after a interesting convo, I find out his chapter doesn't like my org. Can we say, ooops.
Cali "boyfriend": aw yes the precious 19 yr old, who knows maybe his other 30 yr old girlfriend kidnapped him. HAHA Surferboy, if you're reading drop me a line: home-skillet-biscuit.

Okay all BS aside:  Let's talk about the juice being worth the squeeze:
Due to recent events, I'm not gonna lie, there's something else going on. I don't know quite what it is, but I like it.  Whatever it is or isn't, I'm just gonna "go with it."
I know no one has the slightest idea what I'm talking about right now, but thats okay....my journal, my perogitive to be abstract. 
I'm just not trying to kill it this time.  But....to ease everyone--->
I'm happy. I still hold to being good alone is better than being not good with a lover.
I am responsible for my happiness and I'm doing pretty damn good.
But, if someone wanted to share that occasionally, --> yeah, I'd like that.