Day 1: productive. woke up sad realizing my spring break would begin and i could spend it alone. ten minutes pass and then I
remember today is one day closer to friday. one day closer to clovis. It's a band-aid, I know. In the end I choose to be happy

"the talk"

In brevity--
I talked, He listened.
I cried, He left.

Everything else is just details isn't it?
 
Perhaps not. Perhaps I should mention I cried but then stopped.
As in, as much as I wanted to make Him comprehend what it means to feel used, disrespected, etc...I realized He didn't get it. and He wasn't going to, and He probably never will. and after realizing this. It almost seemed okay.
So here I am. Not crying. Gonna do my homework. Going to go out tommorrow night as rebound therapy asigned by house mate. Hoping to get some studying done before hand. Zim my home away from home :)

as i cried-or didn't cry- on Thursday of last week. I realize I couldn't have put it any better than when i told my line sister, "It's like Pledging all over again. My whole world has been turned upside down. Feeling bad about it won't help. Nothing will.
I still have task after task to complete. All I can do is Do."

Bitter vengence acted out upon. wrong yes. feeling guilty not yet

100Th entry of the day. how is it i'm the one broken hearted, and HE's signing off?

The Tao of T

The discussion between ex's resumes....
Should I treat relationships like commodities: You put in the time/effort/ caring and I will do the same or should I treat it as the ideal we all hope to acheive: unconditional caring. Meaning, I will put in with no expectation of recieving anything in return. The hopes being like the Christmas Spirit, one should be happier in Giving than in recieving

In abreviated fashion:
dentist: here is a quote that relates...
dentist: Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same ~Francesca Reigler
Lil zuby: I agree completely
dentist: there the people who look at the world as half empty and those who see it as half full. then there are the people who see it as 75% or 90% or.....full.
Lil zuby: But......Being an independent woman that I claim to be, I feel it is the same anmount of work to make myself happy with or without HIM or any relationship in my life.
dentist: so what?
Lil zuby: i don't feel i need any one in my life to be happy
Lil zuby: i shouldn't be looking for that in him or anyone else
dentist: k 
Lil zuby: hence the exchange ratio
dentist: there are no shoulds
dentist: the only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders. ~foster's law
Lil zuby: if i can be happy alone, or with him, --being with him and the effort time etc to be with him shouldn't dimiish how i feel about him
dentist: here what it comes down to..
dentist: straight out of Ken Keyes
Lil zuby: do tell
dentist: to be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have
Lil zuby: fair enough, but what happens when your perception of what you have is changed based on the loss
Lil zuby: i mean lets take this glass being full example
Lil zuby: i felt i had an entirely full glass
Lil zuby: complete with straw
dentist: you never lose...that is just made up in your mind ...not your knowing
dentist: your mind said you have one
Lil zuby: exactly this is all mind perveption
dentist: listen to your knowing telling that you do
Lil zuby: one more time?
Lil zuby: knowing telling?
dentist: instead of listening to your mind....listen to what you know yourself to have(be)
Lil zuby: i know I'm fine alone
Lil zuby: i know I'm fine with him in my life
Lil zuby: I know I control my happiness
Lil zuby: i can make myself miserable by granting this situation the power to control my emotions, etc, and allowing the situation to take away my happiness, when in fact--I know The situation, or He does not take away my ability to love him, cherish him, value him, etc
Lil zuby: i know this
Lil zuby: but
Lil zuby: i'm just saying I'm not good at it yet
dentist: no buts
dentist: that's a cop out
Lil zuby: i'm saying he went out on a date tonight and I'm still used to allowing the situation to control my feelings
Lil zuby: damn right it's a cop out
dentist: then give it up
Lil zuby: i'm telling you I can't do it "right not"
dentist: give up that addiction'
Lil zuby: maybe later
Lil zuby: okay.
Lil zuby: I'm just saying I can't give up that addiction right now
Lil zuby: I want to
Lil zuby: believe me I do
dentist: when you are tired of being unhappy.....then you'll give up the addiction and just be
Lil zuby: I know I can
dentist: that is incorrect
dentist: you can give it up
dentist: you just aren't willing to
Lil zuby: yes
Lil zuby: that's right
dentist: you prefer not to
Lil zuby: i know thats right
Lil zuby: you're right
Lil zuby: I prefer my orderly world of reciprocity
Lil zuby: it doesn't work that way and being unconditional takes a lot of work
Lil zuby: because it means i have to give up the addiction
dentist: you prefer the world of missery
dentist: because you are too scared to live in peace
Lil zuby: no, i prefer the world of "he's an idiot, he'll realize it later," and in the meantime, I'll be happy without him
Lil zuby: perhaps
dentist: and you're not
Lil zuby: i've never had peace alone
Lil zuby: now thats an addiction
Lil zuby: i know that
dentist: you've had it...you just never looked at it
Lil zuby: maybe
dentist: hold on
Lil zuby: k
dentist: "I always remember I have everything I need to enjoy my here and now~unless I am letting my consciousness be dominated by demands and expectations based on the dead past or imagined future"~key keyes
Lil zuby: wow
Lil zuby: that's awesome
Lil zuby: I try very hard to consider something very similiar
Lil zuby: in short version "Iam responsible for my own happiness"
dentist: look up Pathways into higher consciousness Ken Keyes
Lil zuby: I get it, I do. Anything else after this would be an excuse or copout, for why I feel I can't be happy, and I call myself out on them, but (copout again) I am addicted to holding on to past pstterns
Lil zuby: i will
dentist: there are 12 pathways...read them
Lil zuby: lol. great a pathway for every credit hour :-)
Lil zuby: lol--anyways
Lil zuby: are you happy?
Lil zuby: school, work, etc
dentist: yes i am
Lil zuby: thats good honey. I love catching up with you
Lil zuby: you always seem to be a step ahead of me when it comes to the personal growth portions in our lives
dentist: not ahead...just in a different spot
Lil zuby: true
Lil zuby: i'm in my own little corner, but I'm getting it lately
Lil zuby: i told him last night,
Lil zuby: I've been unhappy before, and as a person who wants your happiness, I hope you enjoy tommorrow night and are able to find what ever it is that you think might be keeping you back fom being unhappy.
Lil zuby: i didn't cry.
Lil zuby: not then
dentist: do you mean that?
Lil zuby: i do
Lil zuby: i really want his happiness
Lil zuby: just like I wanted...continue to want yours
Lil zuby: i want to be able to see the people in my life happy--
Lil zuby: but i know i'm not responsible for it
Lil zuby: like i said,
Lil zuby: "
"I'm responsible for my own happiness
Lil zuby: wow, it's late
Lil zuby: I should get going...shower, sleep, what-not
Lil zuby: but thank you
dentist: night night
Lil zuby: good night
Lil zuby: :-)
Lil zuby: consider me going up--if that would be fun for you, xxx

At risk of another sad sob blog....hey it's been 9 months, I was "due"

My people would say i hold a power over the skies. As the tears flow the sky cries along.
__________
"King Of Sorrow"

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do

I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
_________
You're So Real

Yes I am
I hope you think you beat me
Hope I start talking crazy
Before you understand me
Are we through
You think that I'm beneath you
But you like the things that I do
Wrap em up and take em with you

I'm alright
Hope I can sleep for one night
If not to cool my insides
Maybe to calm my backside
Rain on me
I got a weakness in me
I think that weakness feeds me
I don't think you think you need me
Sunshine, you're the best time
I ever, ever had
But I think I made you feel bad
A black fly on your necktie
Time after time

[Chorus]

But when the sun starts sinking
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

Run this round in your head
Like you don't know what's on the inside
You don't know me too well
You ain't seen my bad side
Shame on me, shame on the things that I be
If you could complicate me
If you could get inside me
Sometimes, you're the best time
I've ever, ever known
A pretty girl with a wicked smile on
But I've cried for the last time
Something just don't feel right

[Chorus]

But when the sun starts sinking
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

You always know just who you are
You never needed someone else
To realize yourself

[Chorus]

How when the sun starts sinking
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

Yeah baby, you're so real
Yeah baby, you're so real
So real, so real
Oh god, yeah
Yeah, yeah