Golden Girls

Golden Girls Day is July 30th. It will also be cheesecake day. 

12:30pm I feel like I've heard this song though

We were still talking when she played this song for me. That was about a year ago.  

She had a sweet desperation in her eyes when she sang along. 

The desire to feel this way. To have a boy-- to have someone-- feel this way for you. 

Medical personnel declared her dead on arrival at the hospital. That was 3 months ago. 

I was still on her emergency contact list. I was still her person. For a time, she was mine.

Beyond space and time

In the afterlife...

 

***

Still a great song. 

Greater still when it's reintroduced to you with fresh hope and by a soul far more patient then my own.  

***

Beyond

https://youtu.be/pkFtl50kqYE

Still here. Still me.

"You are still you."

Back to Best Friend Basics...

I'm changing my life. Again.
Why? What? Who?

Why Because I needed a change: The following blog should answer this.
What? Goal list. Challenges. Motivation in small accomplish-able task.
Who: My ex and me. (Yeah, its weird, I know)

Huh? Okay here's the deal:  It's taking a break-up, and an age old adage: "Be the change you wish to see." What?!?!?!?  Did I break up? Am I no longer, happily ever after? NO...quite the opposite. I'm HAPPY and TOO CONTENT.

Ever get into a rut? A comfortable place where you add on pounds and forget to do your make up, and wear sweats to your mans for softball games? Okay, well, that's where I'm at. Thanks for asking.

But, the Challenge: Seeing a friend in a cycle of destruction, and finding myself in a similar life funk...I realized it is time for a change...or Rather, a return to the basics. My proposal? A challenge to charting and accomplishing small life long changes. Create some goals. Create a deadline. Chart out the Little Things to make the Big Goal Happen.

Step One: Create Some Goals. Here are mine (so far):.
GOAL LIST BY SEPTEMBER 1.

Vanity
Good hair-Wen
Good smile-Whitening Products
Good Skin-ProActiv
Good makeup-Bare Minerals

Health
Vitamin Regime
30 day fitness-continuing with 30 day abs
Loose and Track Weight
Set up weights/boxing unit

Financial
Remain Debt free
Pay Obligations-
Pay Org Fees
Savings account-Hawaii
Savings account-Me (personal goal? $500?) -I'll figure that out, I guess?

Spiritual
BE a BEtter Friend. Send Cards
Learn Language
Start blogging again. (See, I'm serious!)

House
Clean it all-
Follow Clean House in 30 days?
Restore Baby Room
Sell CRAP in Garage (SALE)
create a fitting closet.

Partnership
Thank your partner for what he DOES do..work, school, cooking, hard labor
Appreciate your partner for what he DOESNT do. Eg. He doesn't cheat. He doesn't smoke. He doesn't walk away when things get hard...
Don't nag-Assign mutual chores

Okay that's it. This is the plan. Hopefully this is step one to getting it back...AGAIN. :)

xoxox,
your (not so lost) Gossip Girl

"Breathe, eat, sleep. Wake up and do it all over again, until one day it's not so hard anymore."

I am just a Wife

Today is a bad day. One in which I feel has been postponed for quite some time, but is ever lingering. --It is a rare day that I allow the worst of what Mr. Boots says about me to resurface and resonate within me. But today is that day. And today, I realize, I am not an attorney, I am not any one special, I do nothing extraordinary for anyone, including myself. I am just a wife.

I have wrapped up my entire existence into holding this one title- "Wife."  My pride is no longer in myself, but in what I can help my husband achieve in his career. Not in how I look, but in  the appearance of who people see on his arm. I have become an ambassador of my husbands household and goodwill, and at the very least must maintain appearances. If I can not be a good wife, I should at least appear like one. 

This is no ones fault but my own. My husband never asked me to give up my entire life, my self worth, or my security to follow him....but I have, and so it is....My friends are his co-workers wives. My family is our unborn child. My financial security, dependent on his kindness. And, my self esteem dependent on his and others approval....When I fail at "my job" I feel absolutely worthless. I do not cook, I hate cleaning, and I can't get a job to contribute to our income...So, in sum, I am just a wife...a title granted to me, and held by so many others that do it so much better than I.

It could be worse. He could leave me. Then I'd be nothing. So today, I am just a wife...but at least I am that.

Thus, today will be a recoup day of picking my face up off the floor and going on. I will not cry. I will tell myself I am happy. I will clean the house I am trying so desperately to make a home. I will attempt to repair the plumbing that is consistently failing. I will discipline the unruly dog. I will do the laundry. I will get the bills paid. I will volunteer as a good wife is expected to do.  And, I will go assist the supervisor's wife install her deck because our husbands are away on duty.

I will attempt to do all this while trying to keep from crumbling inside.
I will do this without complaining to, or about, my husband.
I will remind myself, that it will not get better, it will only get worse.

He will always be gone, and even when he returns, he returns to duty.
It will only get worse.  I will always be alone.
If I can accept it, I can work with it.

This is the life I chose, so be it.