"Breathe, eat, sleep. Wake up and do it all over again, until one day it's not so hard anymore."

I am just a Wife

Today is a bad day. One in which I feel has been postponed for quite some time, but is ever lingering. --It is a rare day that I allow the worst of what Mr. Boots says about me to resurface and resonate within me. But today is that day. And today, I realize, I am not an attorney, I am not any one special, I do nothing extraordinary for anyone, including myself. I am just a wife.

I have wrapped up my entire existence into holding this one title- "Wife."  My pride is no longer in myself, but in what I can help my husband achieve in his career. Not in how I look, but in  the appearance of who people see on his arm. I have become an ambassador of my husbands household and goodwill, and at the very least must maintain appearances. If I can not be a good wife, I should at least appear like one. 

This is no ones fault but my own. My husband never asked me to give up my entire life, my self worth, or my security to follow him....but I have, and so it is....My friends are his co-workers wives. My family is our unborn child. My financial security, dependent on his kindness. And, my self esteem dependent on his and others approval....When I fail at "my job" I feel absolutely worthless. I do not cook, I hate cleaning, and I can't get a job to contribute to our income...So, in sum, I am just a wife...a title granted to me, and held by so many others that do it so much better than I.

It could be worse. He could leave me. Then I'd be nothing. So today, I am just a wife...but at least I am that.

Thus, today will be a recoup day of picking my face up off the floor and going on. I will not cry. I will tell myself I am happy. I will clean the house I am trying so desperately to make a home. I will attempt to repair the plumbing that is consistently failing. I will discipline the unruly dog. I will do the laundry. I will get the bills paid. I will volunteer as a good wife is expected to do.  And, I will go assist the supervisor's wife install her deck because our husbands are away on duty.

I will attempt to do all this while trying to keep from crumbling inside.
I will do this without complaining to, or about, my husband.
I will remind myself, that it will not get better, it will only get worse.

He will always be gone, and even when he returns, he returns to duty.
It will only get worse.  I will always be alone.
If I can accept it, I can work with it.

This is the life I chose, so be it.