Dear Universe, aka All,
Lately, my immediate inclination is to add media, a witty comment, or vague lyrics and let the readers interpret them as they may; but, alas, my antics have caused worry.
So to reassure all, I am "okay." Temporary insanity. But no worries, they make pills and elixirs for my ails...Thus, let me fill in my little universe.
A new boy will be joining the Hustlers, and being a friend of a friend, I have decided to take him under my wing. As he stated, he is now part of my "Entourage." Said Entourage has now taken me to movies, out to happy hours, and been the recipient of my home made cooking goodness...No. We are NOT together. He is cool, and as long as he heeds the warning not to fall for anyone at school, he might be okay. Lol. --But then again, I couldn't pull that when I had two years of knowing better, could I??? Hopefully, Entourage is smarter than me.
Speaking of happy hours, and not one to stick to the script of being the DC GossipGirl, but I will say I am interested in seeing who will be the Queen Bee-yonce next term. "A diva is the female version of the Hustler..." --It is clear that S still seeks the limelight, and on that topic we finally spoke. Short, and via text, but friendly. I'm good.
As to the 3L, who I can only now assume is graduated (?), he has been renamed, by the ladies who I spent my Barristers, and graduation celebrations with. A la, the movie Harvard. The girls have named graduating 3L "homeless"--No, nott because he isn't attractive, or intellegient, etc, etc, I don't want anyone misinterpretting. Against all my brain matter, I still find that man "cha cha cha"*, -remember, I very much was caught up, so we know he had to be good...-Or very very bad...but...point, he is "Homeless," because the girls swear they never saw this man in their lives, and asked me continually if he was even enrolled in the school. Literally, our Editors insight, "he's homeless, and just sneaks into class. I've never seen him in my life"
--Mind you, this was week 2 of celebrations. But yet, it's not shocking.
Btw, if he happens to be reading, which I doubt....I should address his frequent appearances:
Dear Homeless, please realize people think my heart is crushed because of you....and truth be told it was. Yes, I'm not dense, I realize we never actually dated. But girls are stupid and sometimes we get caught up. It was my fault for breaking all the rules, and thinking I could like a boy at school without reprucussions. But people talk, and people did ask, and yes, while you think no one notices you....they did. And when you left, they noticed that too.
Nonetheless, perhaps as my Ipod blares "Fighter" by Christina Aguillera, and I strap on gloves to hit at air, I'll actually thank my Homeless for making me that much stronger. If had to fall, and I'm glad it was him, he remained a gentleman. A disappearing magician of a gentleman, but I guess he always knew how to pull a Superman.
(BTW, if you've remembered a previous post.... I picked the wrong toy for that song....(hint, hint: I can't punch the new shiny toy...) Also, BTW, gym time has become an everyday occurence. Lets see if it works. doing more crunches than cookie monster should get me smewhere.
Okay, well that's all.
Oh wait...PSA...I am still single, btw. (despite J kicking me out of the club) ---It seems to be rumored that my "friends" are "relationships"--um, lets end that cycle shall we.
It is summer, and everyone is giving into their hedonistic ways. Myself of course included.
Sleep tight universe.
"The world believes it, and I'm going crazy"
Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world, where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me? I'm reaching out for you
Well you say I’m crazy cause I can’t make up my mind
But I wont let it faze me instead I'll leave all these thoughts behind
Cause they say that you got some one who’s wasting your time
Well that’s alright cause I got someone who’s wasting mine
It’s in the way you move
Baby what you’re doing to me?
I can’t stand it I can’t hold back
... see the guys tryna’ holla?
... I don’t want to bother you,
Cuz I'm independent but you got my attention
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you.
Everybody has a private world, where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me? I'm reaching out for you
Well you say I’m crazy cause I can’t make up my mind
But I wont let it faze me instead I'll leave all these thoughts behind
Cause they say that you got some one who’s wasting your time
Well that’s alright cause I got someone who’s wasting mine
It’s in the way you move
Baby what you’re doing to me?
I can’t stand it I can’t hold back
... see the guys tryna’ holla?
... I don’t want to bother you,
Cuz I'm independent but you got my attention
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you.
Sometimes you get the honey, sometimes you get the sting...
My Warrior friend told me in the worst way:
"I've forgotten where I come from...."
Nothing could have hurt more. And I was pissed. Where did he get off....Then this morning I realized, I miss speaking Zulu! Why? When did I stop speaking Lakota, or better my own tounge? Another identity realization. Maybe.
This morning I spent $30 to pay for two memberships, in organizations I felt I deeply needed.
My new goal this summer: To have myself together by August 10th.
Body, Mind...and now, a neglected Spirit.
****
In other news...all my favorite men messaged sine someone special. But alas, darlin' I could never be distraught, if only you would keep me in your thoughts.
Have you and my universe in mine.
: I blurted it out; it was like word vomit.
: Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.
: Then you slipped in that word vomit and you fell on your ass now you're covered in word vomit.
Sorry, so Sorry
And that's why I'm wondering why
You had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time when you
Don't have to run
And when she says she
wants somebody else
I hope you know that
she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down
and makes a sound
You'll never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she
wants someone to love
I hope you know that she
doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down
and lets you down
I hope you know that she
doesn't mean to
You had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time when you
Don't have to run
And when she says she
wants somebody else
I hope you know that
she doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down
and makes a sound
You'll never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she
wants someone to love
I hope you know that she
doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down
and lets you down
I hope you know that she
doesn't mean to
The Transition
So, once more it's happening.
The reluctant letting go of the hopeful in exchange for the possibility of happiness.
From pleading, to warning, to making myself happy-by force if necessary.
The reluctant letting go of the hopeful in exchange for the possibility of happiness.
From pleading, to warning, to making myself happy-by force if necessary.
Stepmom and the Tounge-Tied
Yesterday was Mother's Day. My real mother did not pick up the phone...So I Facebooked her. Go figure.
Then there's the obligatory phone call to my step mom.
No lies. It was definitely a Cinderella and Stepmom relationship for the longest time. But I'm getting used to her, and she's realizing that I'm only my Father's world when we make the time to see each other. So, yeah she's safe for the other 362 days of the year. (IF I stay that long.)
After what 18 years, The exchange was slightly uplifting. (To sumarize the 6 months we hadn't spoken, here it was...)
:Hey Mom.
:???
: Yeah, its me. How are you?
: Good. How are you?
: Good. Happy Mother's Day.
: Um, Thank you. How is school? [Trying to sound sincere though confused.]
: It's good. I just finished exams. [I notes she doesn't care, and I've been done for two weeks.]
:Oh really? How did you do?
: I don't care.
: Dad wants to know what your GPA is. [Dad is in background, "Ask her what her grades are."]
: I don't know yet. [Relays] I did great, tell him I did great. [Relays]
: Well, thank you for calling. You partying? Sleeping in late? [I note she wants me partying in law school. Perfect parenting skills at work.]
: Yeah, I've been out for a bit. Trying to stay in tomorrow and read a new book. [I want to go into the Starbucks I've arrived at.]
: Good. (Sounds dissapointed)
: (laughs) No worries mom, I've had a good time the past few nights celebrating. [I smile at the fact that I'm dissapointed in my morals and she's proud.]
: Oh! Good! New boy? New girl? [She loves to think I sleep around. I think its vicarious slutty-ness]
: Um, not yet. But I'll work on it. [I notes she still has no idea who I date, and think on last summer.... I wonder if I could call her?]
: Hey, you mind if we crash at your place this summer while we drive up to New York.
: [I note the non-invitation to New York] Sure Mom. Whatever.
: Cool. We'll go get you drunk when we come up. [Looking to hang up]
: Cool. [lol] Well have a good day.
: (Relief) You too....Um, thanks again for calling. [This time it is sincere.]
: No problem Mom. Tell Dad and everyone I love them.
***
-Since last posting, I was offered another job that doesn't pay.
-I was also emailed by a man who offered me another job helping in Uganda...Same man who I emailed at 2am two nights ago to ask if I could come over for eggs. The email said nothing about the job, but asked why I haven't been over for eggs. *SMH*
-I am listening to a song that may answer that question.
-A friends asked if I want to go drink...At 8am today.
--It's 2:06 pm now, I'm going to go get that drink.
Then there's the obligatory phone call to my step mom.
No lies. It was definitely a Cinderella and Stepmom relationship for the longest time. But I'm getting used to her, and she's realizing that I'm only my Father's world when we make the time to see each other. So, yeah she's safe for the other 362 days of the year. (IF I stay that long.)
After what 18 years, The exchange was slightly uplifting. (To sumarize the 6 months we hadn't spoken, here it was...)
:Hey Mom.
:???
: Yeah, its me. How are you?
: Good. How are you?
: Good. Happy Mother's Day.
: Um, Thank you. How is school? [Trying to sound sincere though confused.]
: It's good. I just finished exams. [I notes she doesn't care, and I've been done for two weeks.]
:Oh really? How did you do?
: I don't care.
: Dad wants to know what your GPA is. [Dad is in background, "Ask her what her grades are."]
: I don't know yet. [Relays] I did great, tell him I did great. [Relays]
: Well, thank you for calling. You partying? Sleeping in late? [I note she wants me partying in law school. Perfect parenting skills at work.]
: Yeah, I've been out for a bit. Trying to stay in tomorrow and read a new book. [I want to go into the Starbucks I've arrived at.]
: Good. (Sounds dissapointed)
: (laughs) No worries mom, I've had a good time the past few nights celebrating. [I smile at the fact that I'm dissapointed in my morals and she's proud.]
: Oh! Good! New boy? New girl? [She loves to think I sleep around. I think its vicarious slutty-ness]
: Um, not yet. But I'll work on it. [I notes she still has no idea who I date, and think on last summer.... I wonder if I could call her?]
: Hey, you mind if we crash at your place this summer while we drive up to New York.
: [I note the non-invitation to New York] Sure Mom. Whatever.
: Cool. We'll go get you drunk when we come up. [Looking to hang up]
: Cool. [lol] Well have a good day.
: (Relief) You too....Um, thanks again for calling. [This time it is sincere.]
: No problem Mom. Tell Dad and everyone I love them.
***
-Since last posting, I was offered another job that doesn't pay.
-I was also emailed by a man who offered me another job helping in Uganda...Same man who I emailed at 2am two nights ago to ask if I could come over for eggs. The email said nothing about the job, but asked why I haven't been over for eggs. *SMH*
-I am listening to a song that may answer that question.
-A friends asked if I want to go drink...At 8am today.
--It's 2:06 pm now, I'm going to go get that drink.
Everybody Lies...
"...if you pussyfoot around it, she’s not going to read your mind"
"Okay."
"When you look in her face, you’re going to feel the instinct to temporize. Crush it."
*
I sent a boy home at 4:30 am this morning. He wanted to stay and make last night the 11th night I didn't sleep alone. *sigh. Silly freshman. --But the drinks, and the cab, and breakfast pizza were nice. In exchange, he received good council: namely, "Don't fall for anyone at school. No good can come of it."
No worries ya'll, I'm a "good girl." Despite the 'hype" the girls sleeping in my bed certainly out numbered any boys. I think ever? hmmmm.
Now, back to boys at school, "if only I had stuck to my rules." I'm getting better...?
Distraction or as deemed "time away" has been good... I've been partying like a rockstar, and while it's been brutal, I've looked amazing for the past two weeks. At least that's what boys tell me.
Alas, today was my cut off....no more clubs, no more parties, no more boys, just me, my book, and some self control.
Who knows. Maybe I've mastered this alone thing.
Lol...oR maybe I'll take up a friends offer and jump on a plane somewhere. anywhere.
I wonder if I can expense Uganda?
"Okay."
"When you look in her face, you’re going to feel the instinct to temporize. Crush it."
*
I sent a boy home at 4:30 am this morning. He wanted to stay and make last night the 11th night I didn't sleep alone. *sigh. Silly freshman. --But the drinks, and the cab, and breakfast pizza were nice. In exchange, he received good council: namely, "Don't fall for anyone at school. No good can come of it."
No worries ya'll, I'm a "good girl." Despite the 'hype" the girls sleeping in my bed certainly out numbered any boys. I think ever? hmmmm.
Now, back to boys at school, "if only I had stuck to my rules." I'm getting better...?
Distraction or as deemed "time away" has been good... I've been partying like a rockstar, and while it's been brutal, I've looked amazing for the past two weeks. At least that's what boys tell me.
Alas, today was my cut off....no more clubs, no more parties, no more boys, just me, my book, and some self control.
Who knows. Maybe I've mastered this alone thing.
Lol...oR maybe I'll take up a friends offer and jump on a plane somewhere. anywhere.
I wonder if I can expense Uganda?
A week in...
Its officially been a week of good hard "relaxing."
-Cookouts have gone indoors due to rain, but the sugar refuses to melt.
-My House has become the Hustlers Hotel with hardly ever a vacancy.
- I have simultaneously discovered the one beer I can drink enjoyably -to excess- is also now the one beer that I fear.
-Party busses live up to their name, especially when you know the bus driver -WELL- and ride for free.
- And yes, despite my insecurities, I am re-assured that both men and women enjoy My company. I have been asked out, sexually harrassed, and in fact, I may have a job due to My said enjoyable persona.
BUT ALAS; I suppose rejection still lingers. I still hold on.
Let me expand just a little. Girl likes guy. Guy knows girl likes him. Guy disappears.
Not what I expected.
I wasn't asking for a relationship. Nor was I trying to minimize his worth and look to him as a boy-toy....I didn't want his money, connections, or hell even a second date. I just wanted to see if their was more than a spark.
According to Michigan, this is My problem. I'm learning rejection for the first time. I want closure and understanding as to "why doesn't he like me?"
Michigan, who admittedly I have turned down, quotes the reasons he's received. -youre to short, -youre to young, youre too old, -we go to school together...blah blah blah. He points out, and I agree, these are all made up excuses masking the only real reason: "Im just not into you." - No reason. Just a feeling that isn't there.
So, we summize. I could continue to ask the question, "Why doesn't he like me?" But truthfully I know I need to come to grips with the idea that no matter the reason, it doesn't change the outcome: He's just not that into me.
Logically, I do get it, but the addage of Why doesn't your heart listen to your head kicks in. I still like this boy.
-Cookouts have gone indoors due to rain, but the sugar refuses to melt.
-My House has become the Hustlers Hotel with hardly ever a vacancy.
- I have simultaneously discovered the one beer I can drink enjoyably -to excess- is also now the one beer that I fear.
-Party busses live up to their name, especially when you know the bus driver -WELL- and ride for free.
- And yes, despite my insecurities, I am re-assured that both men and women enjoy My company. I have been asked out, sexually harrassed, and in fact, I may have a job due to My said enjoyable persona.
BUT ALAS; I suppose rejection still lingers. I still hold on.
Let me expand just a little. Girl likes guy. Guy knows girl likes him. Guy disappears.
Not what I expected.
I wasn't asking for a relationship. Nor was I trying to minimize his worth and look to him as a boy-toy....I didn't want his money, connections, or hell even a second date. I just wanted to see if their was more than a spark.
According to Michigan, this is My problem. I'm learning rejection for the first time. I want closure and understanding as to "why doesn't he like me?"
Michigan, who admittedly I have turned down, quotes the reasons he's received. -youre to short, -youre to young, youre too old, -we go to school together...blah blah blah. He points out, and I agree, these are all made up excuses masking the only real reason: "Im just not into you." - No reason. Just a feeling that isn't there.
So, we summize. I could continue to ask the question, "Why doesn't he like me?" But truthfully I know I need to come to grips with the idea that no matter the reason, it doesn't change the outcome: He's just not that into me.
Logically, I do get it, but the addage of Why doesn't your heart listen to your head kicks in. I still like this boy.
The Poem
The poem's meaning is on my mind, and now I have ever so little to lose. Thus, here it is to be viewed, dissected, misinterpreted, and perhaps finally out of my mind. [The capsulized legal explanation, and bold lines that follow, perhaps give the true meaning of why this is posted now.]
...I composed the following poem “Out of Sorts” as such a derivative work taking and refining an already existing copyrighted work (copyright established upon fixation/publishing) of an original French poem, “A une Damoyselle Malade” by Clément Marot and the English or Literal translation, “My Sweet/Cute [One] (Feminine)” by Clément Marot/D. Hofstadter.
.... as the poet, I did place my name directly into the poem, however I utilized (per technology of today a part of a “screen name,” utilizing “Lil” to encompass not only my name but the meaning of little. (Line14).
.... The idea of “unrequited love” [is] not copyrightable. The rhyming couplet scheme is not copyrightable. No words are matched whatsoever from either the original or the translation, and thus are not “copied.” Hence, though attribution is clearly given, the work “Out of Sorts” remains an original fixed thought, suitable for separate copyright in its arrangement of words alone.
The Zen Professor warned me. The Copyright professor laughed at me.
Yet, I said I wouldn't let go.
Out of Sorts
Exuded heat
You I meet
Embrace alone
On way home
You Detained
I refrained
To let go
Yours to know
Ailing heart
Past apart
Your mind caught
Mine sweet thought
Where to go
Lil' you know
Dear perhaps
Fear entraps
Escape sought
Feelings fought
Own Malaise
Void clichés
Care thrown
You alone
No one knows
Recovered pose
Embrace ends
Part as friends
You retreat
Exuded heat
Exuded heat
You I meet
Embrace alone
On way home
You Detained
I refrained
To let go
Yours to know
Ailing heart
Past apart
Your mind caught
Mine sweet thought
Where to go
Lil' you know
Dear perhaps
Fear entraps
Escape sought
Feelings fought
Own Malaise
Void clichés
Care thrown
You alone
No one knows
Recovered pose
Embrace ends
Part as friends
You retreat
Exuded heat
Project: Derivative Work
A “derivative work,” is a work that is based upon an already existing copyrighted work
.... as the poet, I did place my name directly into the poem, however I utilized (per technology of today a part of a “screen name,” utilizing “Lil” to encompass not only my name but the meaning of little. (Line14).
Like Hofstadter suggest, I minimized the use of gender in this poem, instead substituting “heat” which, arguable is a rhymed derivative of “sweet.” (Line 1, 28)
The Zen Professor warned me. The Copyright professor laughed at me.
Yet, I said I wouldn't let go.
with great power comes great responsibility
Many random thoughts on this Sunday morning.
I want to see X-men. I was supposed to see X-men. I have not seen X-men. It makes me sad.
I could make someone take me. Jazz has offered now to keep me from getting rejected. My fake dad-who I finally met yesterday would take me, but instead I have told him he can take me to lunch. yum. Sadly he tries too hard. But at least he'll be gone soon, and I will be done owing my mom a favor.
I want to see X-men. I was supposed to see X-men. I have not seen X-men. It makes me sad.
I could make someone take me. Jazz has offered now to keep me from getting rejected. My fake dad-who I finally met yesterday would take me, but instead I have told him he can take me to lunch. yum. Sadly he tries too hard. But at least he'll be gone soon, and I will be done owing my mom a favor.