I've got soul... But i'm not a soldier.
After revealing i had not died after three days of packing and not returning messages, I am yet again mystified at my naive ability to believe in the best in people. With all evidence pointing to the contrary, I still choose to believe it will balance out.

A series of count downs and deadlines begin to replace my checklist. 3 days to move my boxes into the moving trucks. 4 until all cleaning needs to be completed and the painting finished so the carpet cleaners can come. Day following turning in of keys. 7 days til I drive my car for the last time.
Go 4 hours to nowhere only to return right where i wasn't 7 days later. The day following, i am off to Atlanta
Somehow between now and then I am hoping to see the land of entrapment's capital before I see our nations.

"You're our adopted Mom until ten tonight," they say.

As I wait for the parents of my soon to be UN-adopted children to arrive from their 4th delayed flight, I wonder if it is all a ploy, and if they have left their children with me for one more night of bliss and tranquility???

Perhaps not.

I do contemplate my return to the place called "home." --To label it so seems foreign.

Sometime in the "a.m." after receiving just compensation for services, I shall return to my bed, my cat, a dozen or so boxes, and half a dozen unpacked wine bottles.

While I'm slightly tempted--knowing the necessity to either finish said wine, pass it off on friends, or discard it all together to avoid the hazards of traveling wine--I think I will pass.

It seems unreal to be leaving one place to go to another, only to leave there yet again.

Tickets have been bought. Moving trucks arranged, and now, all it seems is to begin the process of leaving....Oddly enough, I have to go back to begin it all????

 

 

Its 3:30 EST. I remain "hopefully defiant."

"You're more Taoist than Catholic"

In a recent turn of events, I am suddenly "happy."

--Mind you, this is not euphoric, "Oh, I'm sooo in love happy:"

This is not, "Wow, I've got it ALL figured out, happy;"

Strangely it's an "after two antacids," and a running a brush through my hair--"Hmmm, even months after the way too expensive haircut, I still like how it looks" and is growing out, kinda happy.

Its the fact that I woke up this morning --like most mornings-- feeling the dread of "needing" to "do something."....Those things left undone. Those things I've forgotten. Those letters I haven't written, the bills I'm sure I've paid, but maybe I should check next month, just to make sure.....

It's the checklist in my mind, with all the boxes left unchecked.

If you have been following little universe; two things are going on. One (1) I'm not at my "home"; I'm in "the village" taking care of kids and a house that's not my own. --This is done for many reasons. (i) The extra cash flow is oh so nice and oh so needed at this time, and (ii) this usually provides me with a much needed "break" from the "real world" or at least the world that undoubtedly stresses me.

--Which brings us to the Second thing going on (2) The world I once knew, as secure and finite, is now slowly becoming the transparent blah that I should have always considered it.

For starters, I am no longer employed. Which has its ups and downs...the sole down being that I really like money.

(Oh if this unemployment thing is a surprise; well, sorry, you never asked.  Like I said I'm busy with three kids, a pool, and this notion of packing,.....which brings us to what I should be talking about.)

My world is changing and the causes are simple. To begin, I was accepted to one of my top five picks of law school--Located in our nations wonderful capitol of D.C. (UNM Law eat your heart out....).

This CHANGE reflects a need to move. Which reflects a need to quit job, pack boxes, find a new place, close bank accounts, return library cards, clean carpets, turn in keys, say good-byes, suck it up, get on the road, and start a new life.

And such has been the checklist of my days. Including but not limited to a weekly checklist that I have written in excel format, giving me a day to day goal. Yesterday's goals remain largely unchecked. (Yes slightly AR, I know, but if I don't write it down it stays in my head, and turns into this acid that I am sure is eating my stomach which doctors have diagnosed as an ulcer do to this so called thing known as  "stress"--in the words of Colert---Bleh, Stress? "You're dead to me")

Which leads to the lengthy writing I feel compelled to spew now. (In the words "he" might have used: verbal vomit.)

I write because I awoke this morning, like most mornings, at the ungodly hour of 7 am prior to the kids. Now I justify this Saturday morning blasphemy of a college student and their right to sleep, as preparation for Eastern Standard time. I say its 9 am on the east coast, so I should be up. But again if you're following, and can check by reading below.....I don't quite get to sleep until midnight anymore....which again I justify as 2 am EST, and perfectly acceptable as something I should get used to as a future law student.....

NONETHELESS....I am awake at 7 am with one thing on my mind. The locks on my gate needing replacing. This in short is a long story, but suffice it to say, keys are missing, and in order to have apartment deposit monies returned to me they must be replaced; ergo new locks, ergo the expense of new locks, ergo waking up at 7 am, getting on google, and price comparing locks. Once done, I am absolutely shocked that for about 15 dollars, I can stop thinking about stupid locks. I take two antacids, and begin to surf the wondrously blah thing we call the web. I check my myspace, return the one message sent to me, and contemplate yet again, the deletion of the entire thing....I let it go and check on some friends blogs.

This I find amazing. As a person that does blog, I seem engrossed this morning with complete stranger's blogs. It starts simple enough. I check a friends blog, who has a link to their friends blog, who has an interesting entry and a comment by their friends. Sure enough, one said friend, has his own blog, where he writes on companionship and the elusive quest for it. This of course makes me sigh, but makes me feel fabulous, as I realize I have what this one person wants. Not the "partner" or "companion" that we attribute to the significant other, but the person you confide in. The person you're able to bare heart and soul to, even when said person may care less. Amazingly, all the confusion I had felt was now clear to me.

A strangers blog made complete sense to me. In a Taoist way, it all made sense. All the concepts of trust, intimacy, love, all combined in this easily expressed notion of having someone I felt compelled to give my all to.

Now if this is all fuzzy and grey to you, don't try to figure it out, you'll get there in your own time.

But....for me there it was. Bamn. figured out. the "why" was answered in "Why can't I let go?"

My "Achilles heel" (as its been dubbed by a sprite of a friend) was just part of who I was and for once I didn't feel bad about it. In fact, I read the strangers blog, and hoped just a little that he would or had found what I had--in his words  an emotional "nakedness" and the person he could share it with.....

 Then, of course, below his blog, was a comment. a girls comments; and not just any girl, but the girl that was in love with him--and I know this because of course she had a blog. Like the others, I followed to read her poetry and saw a reflection of me.

In her words of unrequited love, were the emotions. The emotions girls seem to need to post and spew, right then and there, because, damn the consequences they needed to be said.....? Yeah.....Her blog was over a year old, and so was his for that matter, but I thought to myself. I've had those moments....and I just related.

I closed the blogs and brushed my teeth to start my morning. After brushing my hair, I caught my reflection, and without vanity, just liked what I saw. It's a good hair day.

So with the cosmo-and cosmetic world in szsygy,  I gotta say, I feel happy little universe.

With a lease signed and monies sent off, I no longer feel the dread of not knowing where i may be within a month. Instead I look about my apartment and can only think of what i could be missing.
The checklist begin. Suitcases and boxes are slowly replacing my living room, and only a white bed reminds me that this same place is what I once called home and laid my head down.
But as it goes...I never really found a place that I call home.

Trying  to catch a breath underwater it seems.

 

After an afternoon of perhaps wishful thinking, I'm brought down to an atmosphere where my summer heart hasn't caught up to reality.  Some how it all gets summed up by (of course) the same someone's JM:

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you....

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to....

Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if I didn't see you there.

Amazing how we find things to mark the passing of time. For some, the beginning and end of a term marks the passage. Still other the seasons or holidays. As I awoke this morning I realized one of my measures of time, was the visits I make to "the Village", visiting and caring for the homes and children that are not my own.

This morning marks another year, and another summer.